The choice

RougueBambi said, regarding comments left by other readers of my previous post:

I really don’t understand, how someone can “not understand the bisexual thing” after what Thumper just wrote. It’s not a thing you choose. It’s a fucking sexuality.

I think what they were saying when they wrote they couldn’t understand bisexuality was the same thing I said in my post, “It’s hard for me to relate today to someone who doesn’t find something appealing about both male and female forms.” The word “relate” is probably better than “understand” because I can understand how someone would not find those of their gender sexually attractive the same way I can understand how people find all kinds of bodies and acts attractive I don’t. We all have our types. We all have our kinks. But, as someone who is firmly attracted to both genders, it is difficult for me to relate to those who aren’t (especially those with an equal yet opposite determination).

I don’t want to dwell on that so much as I want to talk about her other point. “It’s not a thing you choose. It’s a fucking sexuality.” I agree entirely that I did not choose to be attracted to both genders. I’m not sure, all things being equal, I would have chosen it and that is, ironically, the giant hole in the argument for all those who claim homosexuality is a choice. Like anyone would choose to be ostracized by their friends and family, discriminated against by their employer and the government, and basically treated like a social waste product for fucking centuries upon centuries of Western culture. Or, more personally, that I would choose to lose some of the most productive sexual years of my life because I couldn’t find a way out of my own crossed signals to a place where I could enjoy myself with willing partners of either gender. No, what you want to fuck is not a damned choice. It’s hard-wired. Like handedness and Tea Party psychosis.

But.

I did make a choice. I chose the heterosexual path. I chose it because I felt more emotional satisfaction with women but also because it was, of course, the far easier choice to make. I chose it over having to come out to my family and friends and over uncertainly in how I’d live and what I knew was a very real prospect of never being able to form a lasting relationship with a man. I chose having my own kids with my own partner and I chose not to be treated like a moral deviant. I made this choice fifteen years ago and times have certainly changed, but I’m sure the core of the choice would remain the same if I had it to do all over again. One could argue that my inclination was already towards heterosexuality, but I am far more than just a little homosexual. I am very definitely a “rounded up” heterosexual. I eventually rounded myself up and essentially locked 45% of my sexuality in a box for the rest of my life in order to have a “normal” relationship with a woman.

I cannot be alone. I know I’m not. I remember all those guys I sucked off who are now in the same place I am with a wife and kids and everything. I don’t think many of them were as close to the middle of the Kinsey scale as I am and most were experiencing “situational” homosexuality driven by their teenage hormones, an inability to score with the chicks, and a more than willing slut of a boy readily at hand. I’m sure that many of them, when pondering the whole “is homosexuality a choice” thing, think it may be based on their life experience. They experimented with the gay thing and decided not to explore it further. Therefore, it’s a choice. They might even look at me, the willing and eager participant in their experimentation, and see someone else who made their “choice”.

So no, you can’t choose what turns you on. But you can choose how to live your life. If that choice goes against your nature, you will be miserable and probably pretty unsuccessful at it. I made my choice and that choice allowed me to get on with my life. Because of it, there are things I want and will never get that sometimes eat at me from the inside out. Simultaneously, there are other things that fill my life with joy and contentment and a sense of purpose. In the end, I made the only choice that made sense for me.

19 thoughts on “The choice

  1. I hate those tea-baggers, and M. Bachman make me ashamed to be a Minnesotan. Did you know her husband run a clinic that re-orient gays to be straight? It is discusting!

    1. I hesitate to get overly political here (I have a whole other blog for that), but I couldn’t resist the cheap shot. And yeah, her husband is a piece of work all right.

    1. I did not see that, but I’ll check it out. Thanks!

      I try not to judge since my personal experience says the question of sexuality isn’t binary, but I totally reject the idea that someone can be “cured” of homosexuality. I think you can be convinced to live another way regardless of what you feel, and that might even work for you at some level, but you can’t rewrite such low-level code. At least not IMO.

  2. A cogent comment from a Franciscan I once met:
    “we aren’t all celibate from the same things.” That you can choose to not act on your desires is one thing. To claim that those desires don’t exist is something else altogether.

  3. Hi Thumper,

    I don’t know, if you’re too hard on yourself or just honest. I too chose to marry a man. This does not change my sexual identity, desires or fantasies. It was easier and I couldn’t have married if I was with a woman, but I didn’t do it because it was easy. I did it, because I found Wonderboy and fell in love. It’s a lot more difficult to find women, compatible bi, trans or lesbian, who would love me and I them than it was to find men. (I tried!) Out of all the people I slept with Wonderboy stuck. I didn’t choose that, either. Love is a fickle thing. Sexuality is not. It’s fluid, I believe, and wherever I fall on the Kinsey scale, it’s just another theory, another paradigm that can only try to categorise life in all it’s variety.

    I don’t feel like I’ve lost something, when I’m with a cis hetero male now. I don’t need every gender all the time to fulfill my desires, I just had a larger pool to find the love in.

    I don’t relate to the supposed complete unattraction that heterosexual stereotype has on the same sex. I don’t even understand it. Yes, I have physical preferences dealing with weight, height, looks and age, but I can still find people not on “my list” plenty sexy, if I focus on them. I don’t readily understand how you can draw (Not you Thumper) a line on the water and disengage all that’s left on the other side. You can choose not to look, but not to desire, appreciate or fantasise even? I’ll put it like this, there are few people if none that I would not consider sex with, if there was no one else alive.

    I’m not saying everyone is bi/pan sexual at heart. But I just can’t relate to the supposed innate repulsion against same sex.

    And yeah. Right on with your point on choosing to be in the marginal. Why would anyone choose it, if they could help it?

      1. *Smile*

        You just seem to describe yourself as overly selfish sometimes. It stuck with me when Belle said she just didn’t want you to feel you’re not good already. Sometimes you write like you don’t. You seem like a good guy from where I’m sitting.

        Most of the time I feel like I could’ve said the things you say about myself, but I try to be a little more forgiving. Do you feel guilt, then, for letting the minority to it’s own devices? Because you could choose? I do sometimes, but as I said above, the choice wasn’t entirely mine. I can’t make my life decisions only based on gender and sexuality politics, and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

        You made the decision, though, in a totally different time. I wonder what that was like.

        I try to raise awareness whenever I can. Sounds a bit preechy, don’t it? I just mean that I don’t stand for racist jokes or the sort and I try to remember to include all kinds of possibilities in my writing and teaching examples.

  4. I think this is what you are saying but I’d like it clearer. Your choice was made much easier by the fact the you are middle of the scale. I can scarcely imagine a 10% straight gay guy living successfully and happily with a woman in anything other than a ‘friends’ type marriage.

    If i tried living with man as gay it just wouldn’t work. Sex would be ok now and then, but mostly I’d imagine a woman. Emotionally I’d want a woman. I could choose to live that way but my choice would be an impoverished one, a half life lived in emotional and sexual scarcity.

    God knows enough married couples live that way already. It’s not a pretty sight.

  5. Hi Thumper I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago and after juming aroud the archive I started at the begining and having reached the end I have to say WOW. I’m speechless with so many thoughts running through my head I don’t know where to begin. I found we share many similiar “interests” (kinks). Femdom has push my buttons for as long as I can remember and found D/s, OD, BDSM etc. I’m happily married for 27 years and your descriptions of Belle and her personality (at least in the begining) mirrored my wife in many ways. I introduced her to my kinky side and she attempted to indulge me and while I have many fond memories of our playing at the end of the day her heart wasn’t in it. I have a CB-???? which we tried but it was never really comfortable for me wear and she as much admitted that “playing” over an extended period was hard for her to keep up. She didn’t mind getting her feet wet but from the begining the “burden” of being my keyholder was more than she wanted. This all happened over years introducing new things as time went on but at this time she indulges my kinks in verbal inferences and occasional playful teasing but never really jumping in. I not complaining and could survive quite well with porn to feed my kink. Then I found your blog and holy shit these are real people living out my fantasies and your documenting them in such an engaging fashion. Your blog as well as your readers responses provide amazing insight and I found myself so excited and enthralled I couldn’t stop. Your blogs describing your ahem thumpercentric attention from Belle with were so fucking HOT more so because they were real. I told my wife about your blog and shared some of posts. We’re going out to get a laptop so we can share your story as well as explore other blogs and links you provide togeather in the privacy of our bedroom. (Desktop with nice big screen is in the den but the kids are always popping in.) All that being said I find myself unsettled as I finished reading the last few months. The progession of “your cock” to “Belle’s cock” to “the penis” as a useless appendage disturbed me as you related how it can no longer provide Belle with any pleasure because you can’t hold out long enough for Belle to cum with it anymore. In one of your posts you relate how Belle said you had evolved nicely. It would seem that Belle has evolved quite a bit too if she is truly happy. In the begining I got the impression that Belle truly enjoyed her cock. I understand that she is comfortable denying you and has no problem with satisfying her needs all on her own (Women masturbating is HOT) but from your earlier posts she enjoyed and wanted you to fuck her to climax. Now it seems that in meeting your needs she has had to give up something tht brought her so much pleasure. I don’t know why this bothers me so but I guess that I feel that Belle has done so much in accepting and embracing your kink and she loses out. I don’t know if I making any sense and if Belle is truly happy with your status quo then all is good. I think you have a great blog and I admire you for sharing your life with the world. Wishing you and Belle all the best.

    1. Wow, that’s a hell of a comment, Charlie!

      First, I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the blog and got so much out of it. That’s of its purposes, after all. Thanks for the kind words.

      Second, regarding the “penis issue”, the thing you need to realize is that part of my feelings about it are also very particular kinks I have that are manifesting themselves in a certain way at this point in time. I never would have thought that the idea of being inadequately endowed or without the ability to pleasure my wife would, somehow, be a turn-on for me, but it is. The good news is I *know* that I’m not inadequate. The penis is perfectly average and all we need to do to make it into a cock again is let me use it for that which it was designed. Things would sort themselves out in time and Belle would be riding it to orgasm again. It’s not like I’ve been castrated. Everything is reversible.

      Regarding Belle’s loss, I too have struggled with that from time to time, but there’s really not much that can be done about it. She *prefers* to leave the penis behind steel all of the time and has adapted so that all the other ways I have to pleasure her have become as enjoyable for her when combined with the other aspects of my denial and chastity. And that’s the thing. None of this happens in isolation. No, she’s not getting off on her cock, but she is getting off on my mouth or my fingers or a vibrator PLUS the fact that she knows I’m not coming after her and it’s all because she controls that part of me know. It’s kind of a package deal. So yeah, she has to give up that particular thing she likes, but she’s picked up more things she also likes. Does that makes sense? It’s early yet and the caffeine hasn’t really worked its magic…

  6. thank you for defending my comment.

    Relate might be a better word than understand. I sometimes type before I think. I don’t put much faith in the Kinsey scale as I’ve found with that or other personality scales that I can end up anywhere i want to on it just by answering the questions differently yes that’s not honest but with my personality I rate as I feel at the moment and that can swing widely. However I have never really been attracted to any man, I don’t even look in the locker room it’s not in my nature to care what someone else’s equipment is like. but I know that others do because I’ve had them ask about my PA (it’s kinda hard to miss since at the time I was wearing a 0 Gage circular Barbell)

    As to Bambi if she can not understand my feelings and attitude that’s because she is not inside my head, half the time I don’t even understand whats going on in there.

    1. I don’t put much faith in the Kinsey scale as I’ve found with that or other personality scales that I can end up anywhere i want to on it just by answering the questions differently

      The scale doesn’t work that way. *You* place yourself on it based on your feelings and experiences. It’s also worth noting that it doesn’t irrevocably identify you as being one way forever. People tend to move around on it over time.

      In any event, there are a certain number of people who are far out on both ends. You’re one of them.

    2. Hey, didn’t mean to disrespect your experience, Chreublaws! I just took offense to the wording “Bisexual Thing”. It sounded to me like it was just a fad or something, and a thing you could readily just choose or then not, if you don’t understand it. Also Thumper’s clarification about relating versus understanding.

      Surely enough, it’s harder to understand something, if the words aren’t so thought out, because we can’t see what the other one is thinking.

      1. I’m sorry that you got that impression it was not my intent (darn the internet for eliminating inflection and tome of voice). I know quite a few people who are bi and a large number that are gay, I even know a few who call themselves Hetroflexable. Just because I don’t understand it myself doesn’t mean I don’t accept it in others. I had a Mistress at one time who said she accepted monosexuals but did not understand them. Probably where My wording came from.

  7. I am going to commit an Internet sin and necro this comment section. This post resonates with me because I was just discussing the same thing with Bear yesterday evening. I held that how you relate to gender is not a choice, but how to express that is: People may think of themselves as male or female or in between or something else or here this day and over there the next, and all of that is fine. He held that talking about choice was a mistake, that judging from the hateful comments on Chelsea Manning, we had a long way to go before ‘who you are sexually is not a choice’ was accepted, and that bringing the nuance of ‘how you express that is’ into it was harmful at this point.
    I don’t know. I can see his point tactically, but I for one want to live in a word where all sexual and gender expression is accepted – as long as it does not harm people, so within the usual confines of ‘no children, no rape, no animals’ etc.

    Personally, I made a choice to live as a monogamous gay man. Could I have had a deep emotional relationship with a woman? No idea, I never tried, and my sexual experience with women is minimal. Men were easier to get, and I was more interested in them, too. So, a choice was made, and I might have been just as happy with the opposite choice. I’ll never know, and that’s perfectly fine: The choice I made worked out great.

    Schnoff

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