Mailbag (again)

One more from reader K:

I’m a 21 years old college student, who grew some interest in chastity. I would like to ask about your Steelheart device (mostly) as I’m planning on getting one in the future. I had a device before (only one): it was the spiral stainless steel device from uberkinky.com. I wore it for daily 3-4 hours with no real discomfort however my left testicle got varicocele (enlarged veins), so it might got pressured (a big problem was that the tube pressed against the testicles and they got trapped between the tube and the ring). In the end I got an inflammation of the Epididymis (which was, or was not because of the device, I can’t really tell). Got antibiotics and now I’m fine (it was 2 months ago).

Now, I have made a decision with my girlfriend that we retry the whole concept again, but now with some quality cages. I have been thinking about the HTv2 or Steelheart.

My first question is, since I take care of that enlarged vein, which of the two device got bigger gap between the tube and the ring (especially in the lower part, where the testicles supposed to hang). I know that the SH is 15 mm, but I couldn’t find any information about the HTv2.

Another concern is my anatomy. I know that everyone is different, and that I need to try things out, but still: you are one of the most experienced people that I could ask about whether this device suits me or not. I’m a grower, from 8-9cm flaccid to 18cm. I have tight and high balls. I have a really bulky girth (mostly in erected form). I’m uncut, with really long foreskin.

So my second question, should I try this device or better to go with the HTv2, in your opinion?

(PS.: I’m not planning to use it 24/7, more likely to go with daily unlocks)

First off…7″ and “really bulky girth.”

lingering sigh

OK…

You don’t say anything about orgasm denial or the length of it you’ve experienced, but I found that being denied for longer periods also led to a swelling of my epididymis (I wrote about it but I’ll be damned if I can find the old post). Even to the extent that one might diagnose varicocele, I suppose, or inflammation of the epididymis. Along with soreness and tenderness, I always attributed it to severe blue balls and, for some time now, haven’t had a relapse of symptoms (though my epididymis is still more pronounced than that found in most men – something I’ve noticed some other men in chastity also exhibit, but not all). That being said, I’m not suggesting your symptoms were anything other than what you were told by your doctor. Regardless of the size of your eventual device, though, denial and the build-up of seminal fluids could also be contributory to your issues.

It’s also possible the UberKinky device was just too small for you. The fact that your cock has “really bulky girth” (sigh) and your balls are tight would combine to a create a very uncomfortable situation for a big dick (and 7″ by lots of girth is big). For that fact alone, I don’t think you should try the Holy Trainer. It’s made for the average-dicked and you, my friend, are not that.

So, fat cock and tight balls means bigger ring. I don’t know how big around your cock is when hard (and have only my fertile imagination to go by), but I suspect you’d have to wear something north of 45mm. Maybe even 50mm. You should measure the circumference of your cock and balls when very aroused and go with that. As you wear it over time, you’ll probably adjust and be able to wear a smaller ring. That can be ordered at the same time as the larger ring or you can get it later (though you’ll need to send the tube back to be fitted).

The tube should not be too long. If you’re 8-9cm long when flaccid, then probably no longer than 80mm. Maybe 75mm. With regard to the gap, no matter what the Steelworxx site says, you can order anything you want (type it in the notes if you have to). It’s hard to know what you need precisely, but perhaps you should measure the device you used to wear and add to that (but don’t go nuts).

You say you’ll be unlocked daily. If you’ll be left unlocked at night, you won’t need a device so precisely fitted since it’s the early morning erections that bite the hardest of all. If you’re locked at night, then you need to be more careful since that nocturnal erection will make a poorly-fitted device lock on you like a vice.

I hope that’s helpful.

Mailbag

A reader named Andrew left this comment to my last post…

I would be interested in hearing how many locked men have found that their locked status helped them achieve some sort of spiritual awaking or satisfaction of wearing a device, and for longer term wearers, do they miss the device when they are not wearing it. Also, I would be curious about a rather existential question if they view their device as something they own selves or something that someone else owns.

I don’t know about spiritual awakening, but I do feel that being locked and denied has put me in something like a new plane of existence, mentally. It’s as if being denied orgasm for so long has led me though a tunnel most men simply never even know exists. And once through it, while the craving and gnawing need to come is never far away, it’s more like a reactor powering this different sense of being than a negative. As if living without orgasm but in need of one is how I was meant to be. And had I not been denied, I’d have never known.

With regard to missing the device, it’s more than that. I resent not being able to wear it for whatever reason. The feeling of not being secured is foreign to me and unsettling and I only truly feel myself when there’s something covering the penis. I feel as though the Steelheart in particular is more me than what it secures and in those increasingly rare moments I see the unprotected penis in the mirror, it’s off-putting. Not all penises, of course. Just that one. It’s natural state is to be shiny and heavy between my legs, not squishy and flopping free.

It’s a thorny question as to who I feel owns the device. Of course, Belle controls my state but, as I said, it looks and feels more like me than what it contains so it’s hard to think of it as someone else’s at the same time. I refer to the devices as Belle’s but she doesn’t seem invested in which I wear at any given moment at this point. The key is almost always in a place I’m aware of, so even that isn’t so mysterious. I think the thing I feel isn’t mine isn’t so much the device or the penis but the sensation I get from the penis when it’s exposed. That’s not mine and it’s not something I should be able to feel without permission. That’s definitely across the line.

Brian said…

Those of us who have experienced durations of chastity, or even just denial, tend to experience a ‘plateau’ of the emotions generated. For me, it’s still an up and down experience, waxing and waning, if you prefer, but waxing and waning at a higher level than when I’m freely orgasming at my leisure. I’m pretty sure you’ve expressed this experience in your blog.

My question is this … You’ve been experiencing this state for longer than I can even imagine. Does that plateau gradually wane overall the further you go, or are your escalated emotions retaining their average elevation. (Lots of height synonyms there; I hope I’ve conveyed this adequately.)

What I’ve been feeling lately is a lengthening of the up and down waves. I don’t feel the dramatic increases like I used to. But also I don’t feel like I’m nearly as constantly horny as I once was. I can’t tell how much of this is simply getting older versus how much of this is being denied orgasm. Has my body adjusted to the hormonal load of not coming or is it just not as loaded as it once was? I don’t really know. I guess the only way to know for sure would be to start coming a lot and then stopping again. But that’s not a thing I have anything to do with.

I can say that the denial stops being so distracting and simply is, but I can’t say how long that takes. A long time. Years, for me. I do still go through periods of being pretty horny, but like I said, they’re not as severe as they once were and don’t seem to last as long.

Allen asked…

I recently came across your blog after someone told me about it on Reddit. In a recent post, you wrote something that captured my attention:

“I mean, I literally can’t fuck for more than two minutes before I’m squirting and then, once I do, the penis starts to shrivel. It may have been a fuck tool once, but it’s not now. It’s barely passable as such.”

I am a member of an odd web community of men who complain about an odd problem that I was wondering if perhaps you share with us. All my life, I have suffered from these “meh” orgasms coupled with premature ejaculation. Your words sound like they may describe a similar problem. Basically, the ejaculation comes too fast, and when it does, I don’t feel much of anything.

I recently took an interest in kink, and chastity play fascinates me. Since chastity play emphasises the part of sex that happens *before* orgasm, I thought that perhaps it might be a way to learn new ways to experience pleasure and express my sexuality. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t up for it right now, so I’m simply doing some cage-less chastity play with her. I think it may be a long time before I can make her comfortable with the idea of a chastity cage on me, but I am very patient.

The thought of making it impossible to masturbate and ejaculate and then be teased by her (or even by pornhub) sounds like it may be delightful.

I was wondering if you might relate to my words. I’m wondering if my experience tells me that I am like you.

When you sent this, I didn’t really, but just this past weekend Belle told me as I was fucking her that she wanted me to come and what happened sounds a lot like what you described. It should have been a kick-in-the-back-of-the-head kind of thing since it’s been months, but it wasn’t. There was no crest. Not crash. Just an increase of sensation and pumping of seed and that’s all. I kept stroking throughout – basically doing everything I’d normally do to come – but no post-orgasmic feelings. In fact, it pretty much felt like it always does after I ejaculate without orgasm.

I wasn’t given a chance to try again later that day or the next nor was I allowed to try and jack one out, so I don’t know if it’s a one time kind of deal or what. But once it happened, I recalled this note.

So normally, I’d say denial should enhance your sensations during orgasm because that’s what I’m used to, but now I don’t know. If that’s where you are now, perhaps not. That said, I do think it’s a great way to change the paradigm in bed away from male orgasm and towards other things. You don’t need a device to do that, just a recognition that successful sex isn’t defined by the guy shooting his load. Nor does it even require a hard penis. There’s so many other ways to enjoy sex but we’re all so focused on this one act. Literally, the money shot. Without it, it’s without value. Bullshit. Maybe your wife is freaked out by the kink aspect. I’d recommend being more circumspect towards that word. Just say you’d like to have sex in ways that focus on her and her orgasm and would like to, at least every other time or so, takes the penis out of the picture. That sounds way less scary that “male chastity” or what have you.

G asked…

I need your help. I am married bi man, have one kid. The problem I face is how to tell my wife I am bi and submissive. The moment I discovered our blog you became a role model, so please help me out.

I think you just build up the nerve and say it. You tell her and be ready to answer questions (like, no, bi isn’t gay) and be willing to make whatever compromises you think you can, but you should not feel as though there’s anything wrong with you for being this way. Ultimately, whether you can be happy in a vanilla straight relationship for the rest of your life (and people are all the time) is a question only you can answer, but my fear is a lot of guys in your position end up being guilted into buying that you’re broken in some way. You aren’t. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

The one where I ask Twitter questions

The other day, Andy of Ruffled Sheets asked a question on Twitter. He wanted to know the fit preference of chastity device wearers.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 10.40.18Devices of the trapped-ball variety have two fit components, the ring and tube. I recommend tighter tubes but rings not too tight or too loose. Anyway, it got me thinking about other questions I had for guys in devices and even a few for those holding their keys. I used to do surveys on the site here, but haven’t in a while. Anyway, here are my questions and the answers I got.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 10.46.36I wanted to know about the first device these guys ever wore and how it fit. As I suspected, most men say their first chastity device was too big. That was my experience, too. You think they should be more like the size of your erection or can’t imagine squeezing it into such a small space or get hung up on a device described as the “small” one. In any event, only 14% say they nailed the size on the first try. That’s a remarkable number if you think about. (Note that this question had a longer duration than the rest and, of this writing, is still technically open but is seems as though all the responses are in now.)

Screenshot 2017-08-25 10.51.00Also unsurprisingly, most men say their first device was made of plastic. No only do I think that’s the smart thing to do when you’re not yet sure of your size or even if enforced chastity is right for you, plastic is of course cheaper than custom metal. Glad to see guys avoiding silicone since I think it’s a bogus device material. Curious to know what “something else” could be. Like…wood? Energy field? No clue.

If you take these two questions together, you have 22% of men who presumably mostly wore plastic as their first device and found it too small. I suspect these guys have really big dicks. If you’re way above the curve (over 6.5″ or so) in length or significantly girthy, you may have no choice but to go custom right out of the gate.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 10.55.29The next questions are about expectations on both sides of the lock. For the men, how did they find enforced chastity once they tried it? Was it what they expected or better or worse? I suppose it’s good to see that so many say it was better since a lot of guys are led into the idea by unrealistic porn on the subject. Nearly two-thirds found reality to beat their fantasy and another 19% found it to be what they were expecting. I wonder if the those who answered it was worse than expected are due to issues with fit. Maybe those big-dicked guys again. Or maybe they bought CB-6000s and tore their scrotums up.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 10.56.19No keyholders said they felt worse about locking their men up after they did it and over 90% said they felt better about it. That’s really a stunning number and may be skewed by the audience of kinksters on Twitter. Still, it blew me away. Keyholders like locking their men up, more than they thought they would.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.02.50Combine that response with this one asking how they’d feel if their man wanted to stop wearing a device. A full two-thirds would rather he keep it on. Twenty-four percent would be OK with it coming off (perhaps recognizing that consent is required to do it) and only 10% would rather he not wear it. I wonder if the 9% who said male chastity was about what they expected were the same 10% who said they’d be relieved? Can’t really tell.

Bottom line, keyholders end up more satisfied with locked men than they though they would be and most would rather not let them out, even if they wanted it. That’s a BFD and something guys wondering how to break their desire to their partners might want to use while selling the idea.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.07.28Unsurprisingly, most men got locked up for the first time because they wanted to. It seems rare for a partner to suggest it, especially since many of those who are doing it are in male-female relationships. Woman in our culture are not conditioned to suggest such things nor does society reward those who are that assertive, alas.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.45.21However, when asked who holds their key, only 38% say it’s their partner so a lot of guys are doing this solo or leveraging friends and keyholding services. That also explains why so many guys are the initiator of enforced chastity.

I never even knew it was a thing when I was single so have a hard time relating. Not sure if I’d have the ability to stay locked if I was doing it on my own. I’d have to have an accomplice or service to help out.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.49.36I asked keyholders about their interest in the concept of enforced chastity prior to their partner getting locked up. Only 25% said they had never considered it. Back when I started blogging about it, that number was way higher. Now, either because the practice has gained more publicity or because my Twitter audience is way kinkier than normal people or a combination of both, three-quarters were either curious or really into the idea beforehand.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.49.43The kinkster bias is most noticeable in the question I asked about how kinky they were prior to being locked up or holding a key. Tom Allen has called male chastity a “gateway drug” into kink and that was my experience, but most of those who replied to my question already identified as kinky.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.49.16Regarding duration of lock up, the biggest response was “sometimes” with the lowest being “rarely.” I intentionally left these kind of vague because a lot to one guy is not so much for another. “Almost all the time” was supposed to be people like me (>95% of the time) and “most” would be how I was a year ago (maybe 75% of the time). In any event, this also matches what I’ve seen in previous surveys with a dip between a lot and occasionally. Seems this is either a thing that becomes a lifestyle or it’s a thing you dabble in.

Screenshot 2017-08-25 11.57.39Finally, I asked how many devices these people owned. Twitter only allows four options, but I wonder how many of the 1-3 guys only have one? And I wonder how many of those they have besides the one they usually wear are first attempts that either don’t fit or are uncomfortable. I think guys like me who have a small stable of devices they may find themselves in at any give moment are in the minority.

So what about you? Any of these responses surprise you? What would you have asked? I’m curious to know. Leave a comment!

July metrics

In the months of June and July, I’ve been on fourteen airline flights. Belle will have been on over twenty. We will have also been on different continents for half of the month. Hopefully, things will start to return to normal in August as she gets home and life starts to look like normal again.

FullSizeRenderAll that to explain, for the second month in a row, that things are weird. Not as much of anything as you might expect except for the time the penis has been locked up and out of sight.

In July, there was a device secured to me 98.8% of the time. I was without device for a whole nine and one-quarter hours, almost entirely due to two massages we had in the month. One was near the beginning of the month and happened on a cruise ship in Halong Bay, performed by a small Vietnamese woman with small, weak hands (alas). As usual, I took the device off because massages are traditionally done naked, but not, it turns out, on this ship. I had to leave my swimsuit on which was fucking weird. Had I known, I would have stayed in, but such is life. That accounted for just over 90 minutes of free time.

The second massage was for two whole hours and was done by an equally small Thai woman but she was terrifically strong and/or knew how to leverage her weight. I again assumed nakedness, but instead wore a ridiculous sheer square-cut pair of briefs she supplied. The only thing they ensured was that the penis wouldn’t flop around, but everything was clearly visible though the material and she even pulled them down over my ass to massage my glutes. I assume they were there as more of a deterrence to Westerners looking for enhanced services than modesty. That day I was unlocked for more than four hours. So, for the month, nearly two-thirds of the time I was out was for massages.

The remaining free time was either for Belle’s use or cleaning. I never flew on this trip without a device, either the Schandmaske or Holy Trainer. Neither made for even a blip in any security situation, even the TSA’s scanners.

While we’re on the subject, pour one out for the Schandmaske. I believe I lost it somewhere along the way since it wasn’t amongst my things when packing, wasn’t where I was keeping the devices, and hasn’t been found in my suitcase upon return. I’m holding out a small amount of hope it will turn up when Belle packs and leaves, but not much. Poor Schandmaske. I hardly knew ye.

The Steelheart has been on for the nearly two weeks I’ve been back as well as now and then before coming home so it ruled the month with 52% of the total time. The Holy Trainer and Halfshell more or less split the other half. The Schandmaske’s last hour happened somewhere in there.

Looking back over the year, 9.25 hours is the third longest I’ve been out over a month and bucks the trend of three consecutive months of ever-decreasing free time. I expect August to be back to around normal, so in the 4 hour range.

On the sex side, Belle only came six times. Four times with me and twice by herself. Well, at least twice. She sometimes forgets to keep me updated. By herself was via her vibrator and one of the times with me was on the penis. The remaining were from my fingers.

The one time on my penis I was about as close as I could get to coming without actually coming. I’ve struggled to define it, it was so close, but it didn’t feel like a whole orgasm. Perhaps because she wasn’t done with her pleasure and kept riding it after which is one way to ruin an orgasm. In any event, I’ve landed on not calling it one since I didn’t feel especially post-orgasmic after and my level of sexual frustration didn’t seem to falter. All tolled, I was inside her four times and ejaculated each time.

As I said, Belle gets home Saturday and then has to reset her clock, but it’ll be nice for us all to be home and things to return to as normal as possible.