Month: June 2013

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Lido-can

Thumper's sex kitI’ve experimented with Lidocaine before with some success (that is, if you define “success” as having an erection you can’t feel and won’t come), but never with Belle. It was fun to play with it while masturbating, but I’m not allowed to do that anymore so it was just basically sitting around in the bathroom drawer. Since I haven’t been able to satisfy Belle with the penis in the way she wants lately (and have been feeling guilt commensurate with that failure), I thought it was time to try it with her.

This post contains an NSFW image, so keep clicking if you want to hear the rest of the story…

Continue reading “Lido-can”

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Ruleset

I’ve talked about rules before. I love them, Belle’s not crazy about them. I need them for structure and boundaries and reasonable expectations whereas Belle would rather just not have to worry about them.

We used to have a very complicated set of rules. They were all about me and not both of us and that whole thing was kinda thrown out, though some of it wasn’t and we weren’t always clear on which parts were in and which were out, and to know what I thought of that just see the part above about structure and boundaries and expectations, etc.

Anyway, recently, she expressed an interest in seeing the old set of rules again. We didn’t drag them out, but that led to some conversations about amending her rules for me. Her requirement was that they not be too numerous or complicated. She said only five rules. I countered that we already have, like, three basic rules so if she only sets five, we’re only really formalizing two. In the end, she compromised with me. We have the original three plus we added a few more and then she went and made up another. These rules are all-encompassing and replace any others we’ve used in the past.

Basic Three Rules:

1. Thumper can’t come unless Belle says he can.

2. Thumper can’t play with himself without Belle’s permission.

3. Only Belle can decide when she and Thumper have sex.

If you’ve read the blog for more than five minutes, these should seem pretty obvious.

“New” Rules:

4. Thumper must ask permission to watch TV in her bedroom. We had a version of this before where I was required to turn the TV off when she asked, but now I need to ask before turning it on. She hates having a TV in the bedroom while I love it (and watching it with her). Also note, her bedroom.

5. Thumper is not allowed to lose his temper with Belle, be short with her, or argue. We can still discuss and debate things, I assume, but I’m not to let her see me get mad at her.

6. Thumper can’t use furniture without Belle’s permission unless other people are around, in which case, Thumper can’t sit before Belle without her permission. We’ll see if this one sticks. Belle’s not super enthused about it (guess who’s idea it was) and I’ve forgotten it already about a dozen times. The idea is really hot, but maybe only for me.

7. Thumper must do whatever Belle tells him to. If there’s a reason he can’t do what she asks, he’s not allowed to use the word “no” but must instead explain his issue with what she wants. This is a pretty big rule and is the one that makes it possible for her to make new rules (which she already has).

8. Thumper cannot spend any money without Belle Fille’s permission. This is the one she added after the others were made. I don’t like this one at all, but I guess that’s what I signed up for.

If there are rules, then there must also be punishments. There are a lot of ideas out there (the one that made her laugh for a really long time was the “hold a penny against the wall with my nose for as long as she says” one). Others she has used in the past (though not recently) are withholding my participation in her orgasms and Icy Hot on the balls. We have a cane she could also use on me, though she hasn’t yet. Making me wait for orgasm or keeping me locked up aren’t really good punishments for me because I’m a freak and would actually like that. If there are no punishments and if they’re not punishments I really and truly don’t like, then the rules are a lot less meaningful.

Of course, Belle’s the judge and jury on all rule interpretation and adjudication.

I have a hard time explaining how having to live under her rules makes me feel. Good is the best I can come up with. It makes my insides warm and happy. Even the embarrassment or annoyance of doing what I’m told feeds back on my subbie circuits in a way that generates power rather than tapping it. I hope we can both make this new ruleset work for us.

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Torture

My Belle is getting very good at torturing me. Not in the tied up with rope and dripping hot wax kind of torture, the making me so horny my vision clouds and the device feels like it’s chewing the penis off kind of torture.

The other night started innocently enough. She wanted to sit on my face and come and I really wanted her to. Along the way, though, she got sidetracked by my usual nipple sucking and clit fingering. Her hand wandered over and mixed with mine so we were both flicking and caressing her pussy but then she told me to stop and go sit between her legs and watch.

Ungh. OK.

I had my face right in there. The room was dark, but there was enough light leaking in the window for me to make out her finger dipping and diving and rubbing. I could hear her wetness while I tried to absorb her feminine bouquet through my very pores. The penis was as hard as it could be. It felt even harder than it does during the morning wood sessions and that’s pretty fucking hard. I moaned, both in agony of what I was sensing (but not being allowed to participate in) and the hard metal bite of the German steel.

I moved closer and tried to nuzzle my nose against her soft, wet folds.

“Get back,” she said, softly but sharply.

Torture.

Again, like a doomed moth, I was drawn in and again I was put back. Pain or no pain, the months of denial and days since the last time I was allowed to enjoy her body were causing me to grind the device into the bed. It was killing me, but my head was full of buzzing and the only thing in the entire world was her pussy. I was losing my mind from it all. Then she pulled her finger out and let me suck it off before taking it away again.

“Please!”

“No.”

More fingering. More hips gyrating. More finger sucking. More abject suffering. I may have been moaning freely. Whining. My inner emotional narrative turned to physical sound. Her hips were picking up speed. I could sense her orgasm coming and I wasn’t going to be part of it. Then…

“Go ahead,” she said as she removed her hand.

I devoured her. I wrapped my arms around her hips and pulled her snatch into full contact with as much of my face as possible. The trapped penis meat screamed at being pressed against the bed, but I knew nothing but her pussy.

Then she told me it was time for the face-sitting. I leapt up, panting and probably a little wild-eyed. My hand shot instinctively to her wetness, not wanting for a moment it to go unattended  She was so wet. So slick with her own fluids and my spit. The penis ached for that feeling. Hot, wet and home. More moaning.

She liked how it felt. She wouldn’t let me stop. She came, clutching my wrist in her hand and pressing her legs together. I reached for her G-spot and could feel her muscles clamping down with each wave of orgasm. Then she was done. And I was dizzy with sensations of her proximity.

After a few moments, I slowly climbed on top of her.

“Please,” I croaked, “Please, can I fuck you?”

Pause. Hopefulness.

“No.”

Crushing disappointment. Then, a building of…of…what? Some kind of emotion. Not anger. Nothing directed at her. Just pure frustration. Hot and sweet desperation. I could feel my soul inflate with it.

“PLEASE,” I said, pushing. I knew I was. But I couldn’t stop myself. I could not keep myself from saying what I was thinking.

“NO,” firmly. Then, more gently, “Not yet.”

I clutched her. Held her firmly. I could feel my muscles knotting with the building tension I was feeling. Building…building…then, release. I was broken. The tension ebbed away with every heartbeat. My body relaxed, accepting my position. The sweat on my body turned chill.

Then I babbled. All kinds of declarations of love and commitment and gratitude. I was desperately, desperately frustrated. The penis throbbed in its prison. And I accepted it. All of it.

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My special day

Woke up yesterday thinking, “Hey, it’s Father’s Day! I’m a father! I’m an definitely getting laid today!” Wherein getting laid means some kind of naked play, perhaps leaning a bit more in my direction than usual, and not the mainstream definition of the term. But, who knows. Maybe she’d let me out.

In fact, she almost did the other night. Even though she was on her period, she let me finger her before bed and she got so worked up that she brought up the idea of fucking me. I told her I was up for it (or would be once the steel came off) but that I might fuck it up again so she told me to instead go down on her. Until she gives me another shot at it, I can’t know if I can get her off with the penis and not have an orgasm myself. Kind of a chicken and egg thing. But, if it was more about treating me on my special day, then it wouldn’t really matter. Would it. You’d think.

So anyway, we’re laying there on that bright and sunny Father’s Day morning and I’m raring to go. She even asked me something like “what are you thinking” and I said something like “I’d really like to be out of this thing so I could fuck you” and she did something like totally ignore that I said it. And I’m thinking, OK, I’m just as happy getting her off or doing something else. It’s been a while since she hurt me. Maybe something with the nipples or the nuts or Icy Hot or I don’t know. But, the next thing I knew, she was out of bed and I was left clutching the hard steel and my fat nut sack and whimpering quietly to myself.

And then we had a day. Jogged with her, had brunch at the in-law’s house, took the family to the zoo, looked at some monkeys, grilled some burgers. An all-American good time.

Going to bed, I was thinking, OK, now. Now something will surely happen. I had been thinking about it all day and knew, if she asked, what I had hoped would be my treat. She didn’t ask, but I told her I had it all figured out anyway, but she didn’t want the details. So I never got a chance to tell her what I thought would be awesome would be her using one of my belts to tie my hands to the headboard, clamp my nipples, take off the Steelheart tube, edge me mercilessly up to the point of ruined orgasm, feed me my own spunk, ice the penis, put the tube back on, then untie me. Never told her that. She didn’t ask.

So we’re in bed and she’s really tired and she went to sleep. Boom. So I watched the rest of the second season of Game of Thrones (yeah, I’m a little behind). And then I laid there. Awake. Just me, the penis, and the Steelheart.

And I’ll tell you, I honestly suffered. Not in the sexyfun way where I was pushing the suffering so that I could suffer more. In the way where the suffering was pulling me along whether I liked it or not because I had no choice but to wallow in it. I honestly wanted to jack off and I wanted to come. That happens more now that it’s not an option at all. And I felt it again last night. I remembered what it felt like and dreamed about how fucking intense it would be now, after five months, and how especially grand I could make it if I edged myself for about an hour first. I wanted to feel the penis pump gobs of goo from my body and onto my stomach and feel the pin pricks of chemical release run over my scalp and down my spine. Oh FUUUUCK I wanted out.

Took a long time to find sleep. But I did.

This morning, Belle asked me if I was feeling neglected. I didn’t say, but I put my head on her chest and inhaled her freshly showered and ready-for-the-day scent and moaned a little inside. She made no commitments. I didn’t ask her to.

A couple of years ago, last night could have sent me into a nasty tailspin. And I’m not saying I liked it or thought it was fun. But I understand how it’s supposed to work. I understand that’s how I’m supposed to feel from time to time. If I’m really denied and she’s really in charge, then I’m really not going to be happy every once in a while. There was a time when the lizard part of me would have risen up and slapped the rabbit down, bitched and stunk up the place, and made me crabby and nasty. And the lizard was trying last night. But he’s so far deeper down now. It takes a lot more than one night to give him the step up he needs to break the surface of the deep submissive pool he’s at the bottom of, wrapped in chains. In fact, the kind of seemingly capricious neglect by Belle is exactly what I’ve told her I want in our D/s relationship.

So I’m not upset. I may have felt neglected when she asked, but that didn’t convert to anything related to anger and I didn’t feel remotely perturbed at her. When she asked, I felt warm. Cared for. She knew. Acknowledged my feelings. That’s what I find I really crave as a submissive: Acknowledgement from my Dominent that I am sacrificing. Suffering. For her. And now, as I write about it, I feel that deep pool of submissiveness welling up and overflowing into my chest. A current of affection and love and pain and sexual frustration is resonating between my heart, brain, and struggling penis in its cage. This is what I asked for. This is what I wanted.

I never want Belle to feel sorry for me when I’m like this. I never want her to apologize. I never want her to feel guilty. All I want is for her to tell me she knows what I’m going through and that I’ll keep going through it until such time that she decides she needs it to end. For her to tell me that I’m utterly powerless in this. How my needs are utterly beneath hers. And then I can tell her back how utterly in love I am with her and thank her and let it all burn away at me from inside.

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No go

Justplaying said…

I think I mentioned this before, but I think the real difference in truly being gay has more to do with how you feel about loving a man, not having sex with one. I get turned on by submission. I get turned on by thinking about a hard muscled guy pushing me to my knees and having me suck him off or bending me over and taking me hard in the ass. But I’m happily married to a woman and unlike Thumper have never had the experiences that he has (just the fantasy). But I have never felt like I desperately needed or wanted the love of another man.

Recently, as an alternative to finding my fantasy guy, my wife bought a strap-on to train me to suck cock (since I seem to crave it). AND here’s something I never knew…When I gag on that thick dildo, the gag reflex makes my nipples really sensitive and causes a spasm in my ass! Who knew? I don’t know if that’s what everyone experiences or not, but I find it really hot. Thoughts?

WRT “being truly gay,” yes, that’s true. If you can’t love a man and find emotional satisfaction in a relationship with one or even want that, you’re clearly not gay. I can’t/don’t and that’s the metric I ultimately used to decide for myself who I was. However, how many men who also really get off on pussy identify as gay? Not many, I think. Human sexuality is like a Rubic’s Cube that way, I suppose. Anyone can identify any way they like and the sexualistas out there are free say what they want about the whateverthefuck-ist perspective they want to pin on me, but I think they’re both tests of different things.

And yeah, I totally get that being dominated by a guy thing. Totally. Used. Abused. Being his object. Works for me (and while I have had sex with guys in the past, none of it was D/s, so we’re even on that score). Since I’ve been letting myself think about it, I see that it’s the only kind of submission I’d be able to do that wouldn’t cause damaging feedback on the relationship Belle and I have. She would always be primary (and hold the keys to the kingdom, literally) and he’d always be secondary to her, and I’d always be as low as low can be. In my fantasy world, it would be one guy (or maybe an established couple) and not a cavalcade of faces and dicks. I think I’d need that to establish trust and a true connection to the person(s). Also, in a perfect world, everyone would know each other and get along. He wouldn’t be over some black wall in another room in my head where I retreated from Belle. Everything would need to be out in the open so everyone would know the rules and feel comfortable with the arrangement. Yeah, call me an idealist, but that was the fantasy.

However, Belle flat out told me last night she wasn’t going to share me with anyone. Even someone who, by their very being, would occupy places in my body and spirit she cannot. I’m told I’ll have to live with my fantasies only. She admits this is entirely selfish on her part. That she wants even those parts of me she cannot access. I am hers. I admit that, while I never really thought she’d let me, I am a little let down. As a person with sexual desires for both genders, I knew going into my straight, vanilla marriage I was attempting to wall-off a part of me forever, but we’re not that same couple anymore and I though maybe there was a tiny bit of a crack there now, but there isn’t. I don’t begrudge Belle her POV on this and while it leaves me a little wistful for what might have been, it is no different than where I was before this whole thing came up.

The strap-on thing is interesting. Belle said way back at the beginning of our relationship that she’d never do the whole “bend over boyfriend” thing either, but I can see the appeal of being roughly used like that. I don’t recall anything special happening in my nipples or nether regions when gagging on cock, but it’s been a long time. So, have you gone the full Monty yet?

I could have said most of this as a simple reply to justplaying’s comment, but I thought it would be more useful to use it as a way to close the loop on the whole “sharing” thing.

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Sorry for the confusion

My recent missive “How I know I’m not gay” seems to have caused some head scratching. Reader Ms Mahler said…

Hm…not to send you back to your 20s angst, but you do realize liking pussy doesn’t stop you from being bi? And there is nothing wrong with being into pussy AND curious about what it would be like to be dominated by a man?

And EsotericNonesense replied…

I’m a bit confused. I didn’t know there was ever any question as to whether or not Thumper was gay. You would think all the pussy licking and fucking (when Bella allows it) would be evidence to the contrary.

And patrick opined…

when to know if you are 100% gay, I’m sure absolutement not; but 100% straight, I doubt it. Just look at your porfolio. But is it really a problem?

I guess I have this idea that everyone who reads me has either always read me or has gone back to read me from the start or can somehow just absorb this whole blog via some kind of alien tentacle osmosis process or something. No, I am not gay, but I’m hardly straight, either. I’ve gone on about it here, here, over here, and most recently there (among other places). I like to think of myself as queer (as in, not amongst how the masses identify). Not gay. Not straight. Just me. Willing to fuck (or, more likely nowadays, be fucked) by anyone of any gender.

I came up with the title and concept for the post “How I know I’m not gay” while listening to Dan Savage during recent long hours driving. He’s said several times that gay guys don’t like pussy. It’s kinda what makes them gay. And I thought, huh, if only someone had spelled it out so plainly for me back in my “o god, what the hell am I?!” phase. I do love the cock. Truly. But I also love pussy. As I said. So, ipso facto, not gay. But also not straight. Commonly referred to as bi (though I hate that term).

I like how Harry said it…

The very best thing about [pussy]… It’s an integral part of this woman, this very loving woman, who shares your/my life…

At first I was like, whoa! We share the same woman!? Then I got it. And I think he’s right.

Patrick went on to say in response to my suggestion Belle may not have been serious about the pro domme thing…

when the sugestion your “Belle”, I do not think it was just a joke. the image that I made about ​​your “Belle” through your blog is that she is a very sensitive, intelligent woman, open-minded and listen to your needs. I think she read you from the beginning of your meeting, and it is you she has chosed. I think she planted a seed in you to enable you to flourish…

That’s possible. She hasn’t brought it up again. Maybe it was serious, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was one of those not serious serious things. I dunno because I haven’t mentioned it to her because I still don’t even know what to make of it. She will be reading this, though…

I told Belle a while back that one of my best friends from childhood (and the best man at our wedding) had opened up his relationship with his husband. Their sex life had petered out (pardon the pun) so they did what a lot of gay couples end up doing (probably more than straight couples do in general, though that might be changing). She didn’t react well to that idea as a concept and thought it was more a symptom of their problems than a possible solution to them as I did. In any event, I don’t know if the whole “sharing” thing is something my Belle could ever wrap her head around completely. I know from experience that my love for her and sex outside our relationship don’t cancel each other out. That is, when I cheated on her (yes, I did that, too, newbies) I ended up feeling more passionate about my relationship with her than before. What I did and how I went about it was all wrong, but that experience and what I’ve learned about relationships and sexuality since both inform how I feel about it today.

In any event, to those who were confused by my odd admission of non-gayness, I apologize.

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Fetishist

Got the following text from Belle yesterday morning:

Put yourself in the Steelheart

And I did, using the lock and key from the recently removed Looker 02, and left the key in the standard place for her to retrieve later in the day. Not a moment too soon, really. I was getting kind of bitchy-whiny about being unlocked. No, not in that dreaded top from the bottom way. I just don’t react well to uncertainty. She had said after letting me out that I’d be back in on Sunday, but she didn’t do it. Then Monday came and went with no word at all. As if she forgot my state. So, by the time she left for work on Tuesday with still no word, I was feeling anxious in that way only an annoying sub can. Pulling the ring around the penis and balls and settling the shaft down inside the tube as the two halves of the lock fitted into place zinged a warm and comforting thrill through my chest. Nice that after more than four years, it still works for me.

I expected to have a hard time (ahem) with the nocturnal hydraulics, but I slept mostly through them. The L02 doesn’t wake me as often (the ring’s a little bigger) and it usually takes me a week or so in the Steelheart to get used to the early morning squeeze. I fell asleep on my stomach with the device pushing firmly up into my pelvis and a not inconsequential horny buzz going. Today in the shower, I was doing my tube cleaning routine and found even the sensation of the water rushing by head of the penis was enough to make my knees weak and tummy tingle.

Cleaner, goddamn you! CLEANER!!

Honestly, I don’t even like seeing the penis anymore. Not without something on or around it. When it’s freely flopping, I feel…less. Somehow. When I approach a urinal and whip it out, there’s a moment of disorientation where I forget it’s free. It’s like peeing with someone else’s dick. Getting out of bed Tuesday morning, I watched it flop over to one side lightly and wiggle around with my balls laying there like a deflated ballon and the whole thing looked altogether wrong as opposed to this morning when instead I watched and felt the steel shift and pull and keep the nuts orderly positioned side by side. As it should be. As I should be.

Harry asked (and answered) why chastity? I know he was speaking in the larger sense (and I don’t disagree with his answer, though in my usual way, I’d have said a lot more), but why do I need this thing on me? Why does the physicality of the steel mean so much? As it is with so many kinks, I just don’t know. How can we know where these things come from? I can tell you when I’m wearing it because she told me to, I feel better. Special. Looked-after. Maintained. Even sexier. I recall near the beginning of this blog’s life a commenter suggested I had a fetish for chastity devices. I took exception with that at the time, but I can’t really deny it anymore. I do have a fetish. I am a fetishist. Either I had it all along or my feelings of emotional and relationship well-being have been fused with the device between my legs and what it does in such a way that I feel incomplete without it.

I feel like I need Belle to keep pushing and shoving me into tighter and tighter spots. More restriction. More constriction. Less access. Less pleasurable sensation. What’s the limit? Where does it end? Are we, those who long to be controlled, all like this? Or do I have a reciprocally recursive feedback system that builds on itself in such a way that eventually all my feelings of submission and denial will be compressed into a diamond-hard lump?

Yeah, I don’t know. As long as she keeps me locked up along the way, I guess it’ll be OK.

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How I know I’m not gay

I love pussy. That’s it, really. How I know I am totally not gay. I’d save my 20-year-old self so much angst if I could only travel back to point out to him (along with a firm smack on the side of the head) that someone who loves pussy as much as me could not ever be gay. Gay guys might have, at one point in their lives, put up with pussy or might still, from time to time, dip their pen in that colored ink for variety, but a truly gay guy, as Dan Savage points out, is just not into pussy. Period.

I say this because while I was gone, I got this text message from Belle:

Want to sit on your face

And I’m like, WOOF. Yes. Sit on my face! Oh, wait. I’m like a thousand miles away. Fuck.

So I got home Saturday and, even though she let me out of the Looker 02 (which I kept on the entire time I was gone, BTW), she did, in fact, sit on my motherfucking face. And it was awesome. Because, as I said, I fucking love pussy. Especially Belle’s. And you can’t experience more pussy than when it’s grinding into your face.

Funny thing is, Belle seems kind of tentative about doing it. She asked me if I really liked it. Yes, I really do. Maybe you didn’t notice, Belle, but whilst you were astride my face the penis was boned out like a little flagpole. Plus, you know, I’ve only posted about a hundred face-sitting images on the porn farm (such as). I love the whole dynamic. Feeling her hips gyrating over my mouth, her fluids running down my chin, the sensation that I’ve turned into a masturbatory device. The fact that she’s on top. No need to feel weird about it, sweetie. Sit on my fucking face twice a day if you want.

After the face-sitting (which I loved…have I mentioned?), she let me fuck her and it was glorious. The next day, I got to get her off again and, while warming her up, I said something about how I wanted to jack off since it’s been, like, forever since she let me.

“Why don’t you put that energy into me,” she suggested. And I did. But when she was done (using Pink this time), she didn’t let me go for a ride. No reason. Told me I had already had a good time the day before and, don’t forget, I’m not the one who decides when I fuck her. Not by a long shot. And of course, jacking off was not in the cards, either. Inside, the subbie bunny part of me was totally buzzing but the reptile in me was seething. A real man would just take her, it suggested. Just fuck her. But I’m not that man. So the bobbing boner was left to deflate all on its own. Not sure it completely has yet, come to think of it.

Before I left, Belle said something about sending me to a pro domme. I can’t remember the context in which she said it, but she was suggesting there were things I wanted she wasn’t all that into giving me. I assume she’s talking about bondage and hitty stuff. In fact, I’m not that into the idea of a pro domme if for no other reason than I can’t imagine submitting to a woman who’s not Belle. Trying to split my submission like that with another female just doesn’t seem to compute to me.

But. Not being gay and totally digging pussy aside, it occurred to me while driving for hours on end that I’d really be into seeing a dom. Being tied up and beat by a dude? Used and abused by someone with a cock? Oh, hell yeah. I’d really like that. But there’s no such thing, as far as I can tell, as pro doms. I mean, maybe there’s a few. Here and there. Or in NYC where all kinky shit originates. But in the Midwest? Doubtful. So it’d probably look more like a “play partner” kind of deal. And who’d want one whose penis is permanently padlocked? And that’s not what she said anyway. And she was probably only joking. So I should probably stop thinking about it.

In other news, I’m still unlocked nearly 48 hours after getting home. She didn’t feel like dealing with putting me in last night and must have forgotten this morning. I was in the L02 for three weeks and, for those curious about devices with urethral inserts, I can tell you it only got more comfortable over time. By the third week, I could barely tell it was in there. Only little issue I had was after I took it off and tried getting my 4ga ring back in the PA that had been empty all those weeks. Things had started to close up, but I was able to get them stretched back out easily enough.

I expect she’ll use the Steelheart now since it’s her favorite, but she might toss me a curve and pull out the Jail Bird. Who knows? Not me.