Libéré en étant enfermé
A while back, the folks at Holy Trainer sent me an email offering me the fourth version of their popular male chastity device to wear and, presumably, review. Click on to read my thoughts…
Continue reading “Holy Trainer v4 Nano review”Someone on Twitter asked me a simple question with a complicated answer. I answered them there (via DM) but wanted to expand (as I am wont to do). If only I had a blog or something…
They asked, “How do you commit to chastity so well? I want to but it’s so hard.”
YES it is hard. It really is. But while I do try and maintain a certain sense of modesty, comparing yourself as someone who “wants” to commit to chastity to someone who has for more than a decade seems unfair.
So, yes, it’s hard. But let’s break down the things that I think have been critical to whatever success I’ve had adapting to living the kept life.
First off, I don’t do it for myself. I do it for Belle. I do it with Belle. When I become blindingly horny or claw at the device locked on me in frustrated anguish, I always have the backstop of my commitment to Belle to support me. That commitment keeps me accountable. It keeps me centered and focused. I have zero experience self-locking and don’t really have any advice as to how that can work. And while I do totally consider being kept as central to who and what I am as a person, I don’t think I could do it alone. I don’t have nearly enough self-control for that.
So, right off the bat, if you’re on your own your expectations should probably not be that you’ll be locked 24/7/365 for infinity and beyond. I guess you could epoxy the key into the lock and break it off, but that seems…extreme. In the extreme.
Second, I have (numerous) well-fitting devices that can be locked onto me. I am fortunate to have the size and shape of penis that plays well with the off-the-shelf options one can find on the internet. I’m not exceptionally well-endowed (lmao) or very thick or even too much smaller than average. Also, the device I’m in most of the time was made to my specifications and works really well with and on me. Those guys with bigger dicks especially can find being locked up a challenge without a custom device.
So I don’t know you, random Twitter follower, and haven’t seen your penis outside a device. But one that fits well is critical to being able to stay locked for long periods. As someone who suffered through the CB6K and a handful of poorly made devices from China, believe me. Fit matters.
Third, as I mentioned above, I’ve been at this for kind of a really long time. Coming up on a dozen years. It wasn’t always easy. It hasn’t been a straight line to where I am now. There have been starts and stops. But the long arch of my submission has been toward a more defined and committed life in chastity. Eventually, it stopped being a thing I was doing and become what I am. Who I am. It’s changed almost every aspect of my sexuality. But, over time. Not in a year. Not in three. Longer.
Which, I suppose, is advocating for consistency. For keeping at it. For not giving up because you can’t achieve some arbitrary goal based on someone else’s experience. If you really want to be kept as opposed to just doing it, you have to do it for a long time. Those pathways in your brain circuitry are stubborn things.
Fourth, I do not believe chastity is for all men. Not even all submissively inclined men. I believe I was born for it. And others may be born close enough. But not everyone is. No matter how long you keep your junk in a trunk, it may never feel how you want or expect it to. And that’s OK. Maybe you’re one of those guys who only plays with it during a scene. There is no One True Way and my way doesn’t need to be yours.
Fifth, I’m fifty-fucking-two. (Man, really!?) Which I mention for two reasons. One, as I said, this has been a part of my life for more than a decade, yes, but also that’s just just over 20% of my life. Way, way more of my sexual life was with a normal, unkept penis (I even thought it was a cock). I do wish we had found chastity before we did, but I honestly can’t tell you it would have worked for me when I was in my 20s. The libido of a guy more than twice that age is different. It’s a slower burn. So, for a younger guy, being kept might look very different than for a 30, 40, or 50-year-old. Or even older. I’ve spoken to guys in their 70s who are locked up. And yeah, I expect that will be me, too.
Lastly, don’t be mean to yourself. Don’t fret that you can’t be like me. Or the next guy. Be like yourself. Push your boundaries, if that’s what gets you off, but don’t set unrealistic expectations of who or what you are. Let it develop naturally. Life’s a journey, man, and being kept is the epitome of that mentality. We don’t celebrate the destination. We celebrate the path that gets us there. We aren’t about destinations, after all. We’re not about culmination.
Don’t let your perceived failures get you down. Just be you. Enjoy the ride. Learn who you are.
I had this idea to track my relative horniness from day to day. It’s a myth that being in chastity long term and disallowed orgasm for weeks and months (honestly, not sure when I had a real orgasm last) causes one to be ever more horny every day. If that were true, eventually the kept among us would combust in sudden flares of superheated hormonal energy brighter and hotter than the surface of the sun.
More truthfully, being kept in an unreleased state doesn’t make one infinitely horny. I have found it does make one instantly ready. Always willing. My 0-60 time can be as close to the least amount of time that can be measured by modern instrumentation. But no, I’m not always distractingly, cravingly, achingly horny.
But I sure have been the last several days. It goes like that. Bumping along being more or less what passes for normal when you never orgasm then BOOM, horny as all fucking get out. Like, I am going to make bad choices kind of horny. It’s like and I guess literally is being under the influence. But not of a drug or man-made chemical. All hormonal. And it’s been like that pretty much all this week, culminating yesterday.
And the thing is, I have no idea why it’s like that. Why aren’t I always super horny? Or why aren’t I just always super ready? What causes the fluctuation? And if there is a cycle (as there is with so many natural things), what is it? Is this like some weird kept male version of a period?
So yeah, I was thinking maybe a tracker or something. Because if there’s one thing kinky people seem to love more than the Muggles, it’s tracking and quantification. And rules. And categorization. And process. Geeze, we’re like a bunch of management consultants.
Anyway, had I been tracking yesterday, I would have been at 11. The effects of which I wrote about on the other blog (for some reason, could/should have been here). But the tale of yesterday didn’t end with what I wrote there. Oh, no. Not even close.
The thing about the type of horny I was yesterday (ooo, sub-categories! hot!!) was that I was horny for everything. And since Belle was working and we’re all trapped at home and we still have a kid here with us, that meant whatever actions I took as a result of being in that state had to be on my own.
So, as the previous post relates, that meant some dildo and plug play. But it wasn’t enough. One thing led to craving the next. I had five different things in my ass by the end of the day and it left me with a fat and juicy prostate. The kind of swollen I can feel. Had I been the kind of person to have orgasms when he wanted them, I would have had a massive one. Explosive. But I’m not. So it was just in there burning and bugging me. Quite distracting.
Then I remembered. I have a thing specifically designed to deal with situations like this. I even wrote a review about it! The njoy Pure wand.
So I secreted myself away with it in the bathroom. I popped the big end (naturally) inside and let the natural curve of the wand find my nagging bits. Once it found them…uuuuunnnnfff.
The round metal bulb at the end of the wand ran up and down over my prostate and, through it, I could feel how swollen it was. I found I could angle the wand like a handle to control the level of intensity of the stimulation. For a while, I was worried I was only making things worse. It felt so fucking good, but was ultimately just more more. I didn’t need more. I needed less.
Then…things started to evolve. The sensations grew even more intense. I got on all fours like a dog in heat and grasped the wand like a joystick (which, literally, it was) and worked that fucking prostate hard. I started to feel like I was going come.
OH. Oh, god, Oh, fuck. I’m going to come. I’m…unf, I’m going to come…URGH…I’m…I’m coming…I’m…I’m…coming…I’m…ARGH…
I didn’t come. But I was right there. So goddamned close. Two things occurred to me. One, getting a person into the condition I was in and then strapping them down and using the njoy Pure wand on them the way I was using it on myself for hours would be an excellent way to torture some poor son of a bitch. And two, all that being the same but also having access to the penis and jacking off to completion while feeling that could, actually and literally, cause my head to explode at orgasm.
I can’t tell you how long I was on the edge like that. Edging myself from inside. Could have been 30 seconds, could have been an hour. Hard to tell time when your brain is liquified. But eventually the sensation began to change. I had an odd feeling of pressure and something like needing to pee. Instinctively, I felt that if I flexed as if I was coming, I would…express the built-up ejaculate. So I did.
Oh my god, there was so much. It just kept coming. Over and over. A little push, a little flex, and GOOSH. I was well and truly milked.
And after, I could feel the relief. I felt empty in a way I didn’t before I started with the wand. And, yes, relief, but not satisfaction. Not like I had come. Nothing like that. 100% as turned on and horny as I had been, but without the physical component of having an overly-juiced prostate. Frustration without the discomfort.
If yesterday was an 11 on the Horn-O-Meter, today is about an 8. I feel like I’m past the peak. Took about three or four days to get there and, I expect, it’ll take about the same to come back down. Part of feeling less horny today is thanks to Belle letting me get her off this morning before she started work. Feeling her come releases pressure for me, emotionally and psychologically. Pressing my body into hers while she writhes and convulses with orgasm, with my legs clenched around hers and my finger pressed against her clit and both our heavy breathing mixing. That time when her pleasure and desire flow out of her. A little bit of mine flows out, too. The reflected satisfaction of sexual service. Of her pleasure always being paramount.
Fuck, now I’m back up to 9.