Sitrep

A month ago today, I took off the chastity device I was wearing. I haven’t put one back on since. I haven’t felt like it and Belle hasn’t asked me to.

It’s been incredibly hard for some time now between Belle and I. We went weeks and weeks without seeing one another. If she wasn’t gone, I was. And when we do happen to be home at the same time, there have been distractions. And she’s been consumed by her work.

We haven’t had sex since April. I haven’t initiated and neither has she.

Someone asked me if during this difficult time I didn’t find “comfort” in the chastity. No. I didn’t. Because even though I’m the only one who wears it, it’s a team sport. At least the way we do it. And it just became too hard. Too sad. Like sitting by yourself on a seesaw. So I told Belle I wanted to go on a break. From chastity and denial. Just like I’m a normal guy.

Being out and doing whatever I want with the penis has left me feeling…different. Unmoored. Like the center has gone. The bottom has fallen out of a part of my identity. It’s kinda like no longer wearing your wedding ring anymore. But the lack of its presence has become the center for something else. It’s bundled up a bunch of anxiety about how we’re not taking care of ourselves or each other or our relationship. We’re just…drifting. And not talking. And not doing anything about anything.

And it’s not going to get any better any time soon. I’m going to be in the woods for the next week. When I get back, she’s leaving for a week. Just like it’s been all year. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m unhappy.

April metrics

IMG_2426A full third of the year is done and it’s yet another “weird” month where Belle and I have been apart far too often. May will be more of the same and it’s really starting to take a toll on me, but that’s for another post. This is just about numbers.

I was out of a device for just over an hour and a half which is the lowest amount since Locktober. That’s two-tenths of one percent of freedom, twice for Belle but there was also a day where I was out for cleaning and maintenance that was a long enough period (nine minutes) that I felt it needed to be counted. The Steelheart once again was the preferred deterrent, though I did dally with a few others towards the end of the month (Looker 02 and Micro). My own travel had me in the Holy Trainer v3 (I keep going back and forth between the v2 and the v3).

Belle let me fuck her twice and both times I leaked into her. No orgasms for me.

Belle only had six orgasms this month which is the lowest number this year and the fewest since June of last year. She gave herself two of them, I fingered her for the rest.

IMG_2429In the first 120 days of the year, I was not locked into a device for a skosh over eight hours. That’s just nearly three-tenths of one percent. Conversely, 99.72% of 2018 I’ve been locked. I have an appointment with my doctor later this week so the YTD unlock number will go up quite a bit, as a percentage, but I’m going to do my best to minimize the impact. Last time I saw him, I took the device off in the parking lot and put it back on in the car when I was done. I have been known to visit the doctor while locked, but only when I’m there for a specific reason unrelated to anything happening between my legs. This is more a general visit so I can’t be sure what he’ll want to fondle, fiddle with, or poke. I’m at that age where everything is game.

Belle gets home from Europe where she’s been since last week and will be going to the east coast tomorrow. Later in the month, after I’m back in LA, she goes to Asia. That all profoundly sucks. Maybe June will be whatever normal was…

Rabbit v. Lizard

Yesterday I said…

I’m not allowed to ask for or refuse orgasm. But it’s how I’m feeling. I wish they didn’t need to happen. I feel like enough “plumbing” issues are taken care of with the occasional expression of fluid when I’m allowed to penetrate Belle. I just really, really, really don’t want to come.

…and based on a few comments, I think that was misconstrued. Totally understandable since it deals with the most difficult to understand and explain paradoxes of enforced chastity and orgasm denial.

There are two aspects to what drives us to orgasm (and I’m talking about men since while I’m very familiar with how to make a woman orgasm, I’m not an expert in how they work internally, and this is entirely my take since I’m also not a doctor, sex expert, Holiday Inn Express patron, etc). The first is biological. Hormones and brain wiring and stuff that’s buried very deeply into our evolutionary source code. It’s an animal force and in my previous writing I characterize it as the Lizard. It’s less something we consider and more something we feel. It’s the thing that in most people works together with the second aspect that leads to orgasm. The higher brain is where imagination and emotion and logic and fantasy and all that stuff live. I’ve called that part of me the Rabbit. It’s the part that has allowed me to enter into this dynamic with Belle, to consider what it means to be a sub, a bottom, and to act upon those things. And while I think of this lower brain Lizard and higher brain Rabbit separately, actually they’re fused into what constitutes my sexuality. Within me, they wrestle and the Rabbit stays in control (most of the time), but they’re like two halves of a single thing.

An attempt at an example: sometimes guys jerk off in the morning right after they wake up. Their cock is hard and they’re groggy and they feel a tickle in their balls and the next thing they know they’re squirting on their stomach. It’s almost mechanical. That’s the Lizard. Other times a guy will be in a situation that’s hot and get hard. He’ll think about that later when he’s jacking off. Thinking about the person or the situation and fantasizing and playing with his cock until he explosively shoots his load. That’s the Rabbit. He stokes the flames the Lizard provides. Except in me, the thing that makes the Rabbit super hot is to not let the Lizard get what it wants. The concept of not coming is hotter than coming. Of wanting to feel like I want to come, but not doing it. In me, the Lizard and Rabbit are not friends. They’re in constant tension.

So when I say I “really, really don’t want to come,” that’s the Rabbit talking. Because it’s the Rabbit where all the emotional, psychological stuff resides. I think being in long-term “lifestyle” denial invariably creates a lot of conflict between the Rabbit and the Lizard. The Lizard wants to stick the penis into things and squirt seed all over and fulfill evolutionary destiny. My Rabbit couldn’t care less about that stuff and wants to be the best Rabbit it can be. But they need each other. The Lizard rages against its imprisonment and the Rabbit is constantly trying to do the right thing. To not let the Lizard influence it too much. To be a fucking rabbit.

As an aside, it’s kind of funny since my Thumper nickname was given to me by Belle when we started our relationship because she thought I wanted sex as much as a rabbit supposedly wants to fuck. And that morphed into Thumper because I also have this weird tic where my feet tap and wiggle when I’m really turned on. And it’s true rabbits have a promiscuous reputation and I truly do want to have sex quite a bit, but rabbits are also the bottom of the food chain. So even though they’re apparently ravenously sexual, they’re also constantly the prey and they need to balance that out. Without really knowing it, the nickname works for me on many levels. 

Anyway. The biggest thing that’s changed in the past couple of years and that’s perhaps accelerated in the last several months is that the Rabbit/Lizard power ratio has shifted dramatically towards the Rabbit. The Lizard has gotten quite lazy and doesn’t fight as much as he once did. The Rabbit has him pretty well locked down. He still stirs and pulls on the chains like the old days, but not as often. When I’m feeling Belle squirm and moan under my fingers, he’s there. Then the penis gets as hard as it can and the craving of feeling it slip into her is the greatest. And yes, at those times, I want to come. At least, the Lizard does. In the past, the Rabbit might be swayed by the power of the Lizard’s insistence, but not anymore. He knows orgasms are like cupcakes on the counter. They look good and will be fun to eat in the moment, but after won’t feel that great. After, there will be regret.

Long way to get around to saying “really, really don’t want to come” means the Rabbit doesn’t want me to come. I actually do have the craving to come that ebbs and flows and is impacted by life like everything else. And that’s the paradox of denial. The chemical Lizard craving for orgasm lives on while the Rabbit higher brain’s desire not to keeps it all under control.

Then I said…

I reject the old trope that being locked up and denied for longer and longer periods makes one hornier and hornier forever. That’s simply not how it works.

…which was not to mean being denied doesn’t massively increase one’s level of horniness. Of course it does. But there’s an element to some hawt chastity porn that it’s an ever-increasing line that stretches off into eternity. In reality, it builds up well past normal in the course of a week or so and continues to grow more slowly over a two to three week period but then it kind of plateaus. I find it can actually drop after that and slowly go up and down like long, rolling waves (while still remaining well above normal for a guy who comes whenever he wants). It can even drop way, way down. That’s the funk I was in last week and before. Where the desire to come and have sex is actually really low to zero. That’s the worst part of denial. It’s not common, but it happens.

The thing that’s not usually mentioned is how carrying a load of unreleased hormones around can cause super quick swings in desire. I can go from zero to packed tube in seconds in the right conditions. And then it can go back down again just as quickly. I also have pretty extreme swings in emotion, though I’ve gotten better at controlling those. I can be quick to anger or on the verge of tears very suddenly. I don’t think men are accustomed to or designed to have so many hormones in their system.

But like anything else, the body adjusts. The hormone load becomes the new normal and their absence the oddity. Not coming for three or four months at a time for years dramatically changes how your body works.

Right now, I am super horny. Which is my preferred state, though it can be massively distracting. I bet it’ll stay this way for a week or so more before leveling out and moderating some. What I do not want to feel is something below what’s normal for most people. For the Lizard to go to sleep entirely. Because for me, that’s death warmed over. When that happens, it’s like a light goes out somewhere. But right now today, the light is a roaring flame and the lizard is back to plotting his escape.

March metrics

IMG_1958I keep saying these months are weird and they are but if this keeps up I’m going to have to find a new adjective. Belle often has a bunch of travel in the first quarter and this year I do too plus Spring Break and shared hotel rooms, etc. I find it hard remembering what normal was like.

Anyway, Belle only had seven orgasms in March and I only gave her two of those. The rest were self-administered. Part of that was due to a trip of hers over a weekend and two more weekends in hotel rooms with the kids, but she did take care of herself one morning after the kids and I left her alone. That was both slightly painful since I would have liked to give it to her but also cool that he took matters into her own hands. Regardless, her number was a bit below average.

I was allowed out of chastity three times to fuck her. The last time, about mid-month, she told me to come and I did. Well, as well as I can now. It wasn’t especially great for me. As I’ve said, my orgasms are kind of broken. I honestly can’t remember one that felt really good. They don’t feel a ton different from the leakages that happen when I fuck Belle except for the post-orgamsic feelings (and even those are less intense than they used to be).

The more observant among you might be saying, Wait a minute. He fucked her three times but only got her off twice? Yes. She got herself off one of those times since she had me come before she did. I laid there and gave her moral support, though.

In reflecting upon that orgasm and my recent funk, it seems they must be linked. My sub drop was too extreme to be from anything else. But it couldn’t have been just the hormonal release that made it happen. I haven’t dropped that much from an orgasm in a long time. I think it was less hormonal and more emotional. My orgasms are so pathetic now and really give me so little pleasure and I feel sort of resentful about that. Not that they’re that way. Not that they’re not the events they used to be. But that they happen at all.

This gets dangerously close to topping from bottom. I’m not allowed to ask for or refuse orgasm. But it’s how I’m feeling. I wish they didn’t need to happen. I feel like enough “plumbing” issues are taken care of with the occasional expression of fluid when I’m allowed to penetrate Belle. I just really, really, really don’t want to come. Really. Clearly, this is something we need to talk about.

Last night, perhaps as a preface to this line of thought, I asked Belle to leave me locked up longer. I’ve already been in for three weeks without release (since the day I came) and I feel a powerful need to stay locked up longer. It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to see the penis. I don’t want to feel pleasure through it. I only want to feel it strain and crave and be denied. I want it out of sight and out of mind as a thing separate from its containment. I feel as though this is part of the evolution I talked about a few months ago. That I feel my predominant sexual identity is “bottom,” not bisexual. And I define “bottom” as someone who only provides sexual pleasure to another. I love getting Belle off. I love feeling her orgasm course through her body. It’s a potent thing for me to experience through her. I know in my subbie heart I need to be there for her when she wants to feel a hard penis inside her. I know it’s my duty. But…it’s hard. And getting harder.

I reject the old trope that being locked up and denied for longer and longer periods makes one hornier and hornier forever. That’s simply not how it works. But I do subscribe to the idea it makes one more of what they are. It makes one more submissive or more whatever. The hormonal load one carries around is like sexual MSG enhancing all the preexisting predilections. I surmise it would be possible to back me out of this frame of mind regarding orgasm and penis use if I wasn’t locked up all the time. If I was able to pleasure myself with it and even have regular orgasms. I think that would eventually reset everything. But that’s not where we are so that’s not how I am. And in the meantime, my predilections are becoming more and more prominent. I do not have an opinion as to whether or not this is mentally healthy. I think someone from the outside would read all this and think I was in a bad place. I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like it’s all perfectly natural and in a lot of ways it just feels right. But I am left with the internal conflict of not wanting to do for Belle something she wants and needs from me. At least not right now. That’s causing me angst.

Whew, that got really serious and deep. More than I expected. Let’s talk about chastity devices and lighten the mood a bit, shall we? I primarily wore the Steelheart in March. I traveled earlier in the month wearing the Holy Trainer v2 and over Spring Break wearing the Holy Trainer v3 nano. The gap on the bottom of the HTv3 tube really pisses me off because without it that device would be spectacular. However, it’s so bad I found one of my testicles behind the ring three times over ten days. I was even able to take the device totally off and put it back on again in the shower, all the while leaving it locked. That’s simply unacceptable for a male chastity device, in my opinion.

I went back into the Steelheart as soon as we got home and it feels enormous. The HTv3 nano is a perfect size and much smaller than the Steelheart. I feel like it’s time to size down again. I’ve been chatting with a guy on Tumblr who has a new custom device from Steelworxx that’s kind of part Steelheart and part Looker with a locking PA fixing underneath. I’m going to ask Belle if I can start working with Deitmar on a new design that’s basically a Steelheart with that locking PA part, a slightly larger base ring, and a shorter and narrower tube. It would need to maintain the Steelheart look Belle prefers but I’ve definitely…er…”outgrown” is the wrong word. Undergrown? Whatever. It needs to be smaller.

Note, I am not saying the penis is shrinking due to chastity. That’s not a thing no matter how hot the idea sounds to you. It’s still the same size it was the nine plus years ago we started all this. But my preferences and tolerances definitely have changed.

Anyway, due to all the traveling, my locked up time was 99.7% of the month. I was out only 2 hours and 13 minutes, mostly to fuck but also for some cleaning. That’s one minute less than last month and 8 minutes more than January. The one-third of one percent free time average has extended for three months now and is about half the time out I was allowed out in November and December and is much lower than 2018’s year end total of 2%.

So now it’s April and it’s snowing outside. Great. More weirdness.

Cratered

It’s been a very strange month for me. It’s not quite time for my monthly numbers update, but here we are. I’m writing anyway.

For the first time in a really long time, I didn’t want anything at all to do with being locked up. I was already feeling this way while getting ready for Spring Break and asked Belle if she wanted me to be locked up while we were away. “Of course,” was the reply, though I had hoped she’d say, “Nah.” But she didn’t. And even though I didn’t want to wear it and was feeling pretty anti as opposed to just meh, I wasn’t so far gone that I forgot the rules: I have to wear a chastity device unless she says otherwise. But being in it left me feeling resentful and I should have said something, but I didn’t. That’s my bad.

Anyway, it’s been bugging me for days. It annoyed me on the plane, in the car driving around, everywhere. Had it been the Steelheart, I would have especially resented it in the mornings, but I’m in the Holy Trainer V3 nano and it leaves me feeling quite nicely compressed in the wee hours. Barely wakes me up.

But then something really unexpected happened. We were at Dodger Stadium and I had to pee. In the old days of the stadium, when I was a kid, the men’s room urinals were just long metal troughs. Quite intimidating to a locked pee-er. I hadn’t been in one since then, that I recall, and I’ve read they’ve been updated. They have, except now the individual urinals are all situated in neat rows on long walls, rather close, and with no separators between then. They’re the low bowl kind and offer zero privacy. But I had to go, so out came the HT and, luckily enough, everything was lined up well enough that I could pee in a straight line. The HTv3 nano is a pretty low profile device, but it was still out there definitely not a penis and could have been seen. Maybe it was, I dunno. But I realized afterward that I wasn’t feeling bad about it anymore. Like, being in that uncomfortable situation over which I had no control acted as a hard reboot to my attitude. It’s weird.

Early this morning, I woke up a bit and felt the tube pressing in on me and…I really liked it. I flexed into it and made it squeeze as hard as it could. I rolled over and pushed it into the mattress. I was really digging the feeling. And now, it’s just different. It’s not locked on me anymore. It’s me again. I have no way of explaining it. It has to be a hormonal thing, I guess. I haven’t even opened Tumblr for days, but did today. I’m actually feeling a tad bit horny and I was very not feeling that 36 hours ago.

So…anyway. That’s that. Everything passes, apparently, and I think it’s a good thing now that I didn’t say anything to Belle. I’d probably be feeling worse now if I had. Hopefully, I’ll stay on this trajectory for a while.

February Metrics

 

IMG_1359February continued the weirdness of January. Trips, illnesses, etc., conspired to keep us apart and/or make our time together non-optimal.

I was outside a chastity device three times for a total of just over two hours in February, or about three tenths of one percent of the month. I was in the Steelheart mostly (nearly 60%), but when I travelled, I used the Holy Trainer v2 rather than the v3 because I like it better. The remaining time, I was in the Halfshell.

Belle came eight times which is bang-on her average and a bit higher than January. I gave her half of those via prestidigitation and she gave herself the other half. She allowed me to come zero times in the month leaving me at zero for the year so far.

I was allowed inside her three times but issues with a reluctant erection meant only two were successful. I leaked both times I was inside her. The morning I couldn’t get it up she let me jack off for a short while which was nice. It’s been well over a year since I was allowed to do that just for the sake of doing it. I leaked a bit.

In my last post, I said, “It’s a fact that she just doesn’t think about me being locked all the time,” and Belle wanted me to know (so I’m telling you) that that’s not the case. She says she thinks about me being locked up all the time. It’s nice to hear that, of course. I think the second half of that sentence, “And there’s really nothing in her mind that should keep me from being that way,” is still accurate.

Belle’s out of town this morning, but I think this is the last time we’ll be apart over a weekend for a little while. I have more trips planned in the month, but they’re during the week. At the end of the month, we have Spring Break to California. So…still not a normal month. What were those like, again?

Sick makes six

Belle left this morning for Mexico where she’ll be with a friend until late next week. No, not that kind of friend. A female friend.

We had one whole weekend together between the three weeks we didn’t see each other and this trip and she’s still getting over the lingering remnants of her bout with the flu while I was more or less in the midst of mine. Regardless, she let me get her off twice but made no move towards nor comment on the key or my locked state. Especially the second time, that led to incredibly tight and painful erections.

At some point during the previous few weeks or so, I pointed out that in the past she’d let me out of chasity when I was feeling really sick. She just sort of laughed and commented on how that was true but also how much stronger I was now than then. It’s a fact that she just doesn’t think about me being locked all the time and there’s really nothing in her mind that should keep me from being that way, short of the TSA or a doctor visit (and even then, only one that might involve the penis).

Those who think it’s a form of cheating when Belle lets me out to fuck and subsequently leak ejaculate into her (without orgasm) should be pleased to hear I’ve been locked up without any kind of relief for five weeks. Based on schedules, the next opportunity to get out will make it six weeks. I have been in and out of different devices during that time since I have been and will be traveling, but it’s been the Steelheart for the bulk of that period and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of the penis in weeks.

She was gone pretty early for her flight so I woke up alone clutching at and stroking a very full tube. I rarely suffer from blue balls anymore, even when I haven’t been out for a while, but six weeks is going to be some kind of record. I can’t recall being locked up without access to her pussy for that long since I started tracking such things. In any event, I’m really starting to feel it. There’s the regular old enforced chastity and orgasm denial she practices and then there’s this. My balls feel especially swollen and I can tell there’s a built up load inside me craving to get out. A short trip on a big dildo would undoubtedly work a lot of that out.

It’s at times like this that knowing where the key is starts to gnaw at me.

As hard as this is, there’s a part of me that appreciates it. The part that knows this is exactly what I need and want. That this is what’s best for the kind of man I am. That part does get into debates with the part of me that feels guilt about her not getting fucked when I know she likes to feel that, but the trump card the first part plays in those situations is she decides what we do and I go along with it so shut up.

So…I’m going along. Either she didn’t think I was well enough to fuck (not true) or didn’t want to fuck me when I was sick or simply didn’t want to be fucked or not as much as she wanted me to stay locked up while she got off, I can’t say. And it’s not my job to figure it out. I’ll stay locked up for exactly as long as she wants me to be and will be grateful for both being locked up and being let out.