Be your damned self

Reader Andrew commented on my last post:

This may be a personal question, but during any of this have you wanted to hide your bisexuality or end the Drew relationship out of a way to feel “normal” before realizing that those are just part of the new normal? I ask, well, because I tend to shun my bi side and I am trying to stop that.

I’ll take those in reverse order.

You cannot “shun” your bisexuality. You shouldn’t even try. If you don’t want or can’t act out on your desires, at least accept them. Trying to shove them down deep and ignoring them is a recipe for disaster.

I’ve not wanted to do that myself at all, not for a long time and certainly not recently. My attraction to each end of the gender spectrum waxes and wanes over time and when I’m feeling especially anxious or depressed, I find I’m drawn even closer to Belle since she’s the stabilizing force in my life. Her and my family. That means I’m less attracted to men, but it doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual. I know how I work by now.

Regarding Drew, as I’ve said, he’s gotten the short end of the stick. I withdraw from those all around me and he’s in that group. My waning attraction to men also impacts my relationship with him. It can be a challenge to give him the attention he wants or perhaps should expect, but again, that’s my problem with everyone when I’m feeling bad.

I try not to focus on “normal” even though I ended my last post talking about it. I am who I am, physically and emotionally and mentally, and that’s all good. I actually like who I am with regard to my sexuality. I find my bisexuality to be a bit of a superpower. I’d never want to give it up or see it go away forever. I am grateful I have the opportunity from Belle to engage others outside my marriage. I feel that’s a benefit and in no way a bad thing. To be clear, my issues with anxiety and depression are not based on any angst or guilt regarding my love and sex life. Anxiety attaches to them, but that’s not where it’s coming from.

So anyway, be your damned self. I am and I like it.

5 thoughts on “Be your damned self

  1. Since I am the one you said should “be my damn self”, I thought I could comment to say that I understand you point and “shun” was likely the wrong word, but it was the only one I could think about whilst reading that last post. For me, like you, I don’t shun myself or change who I am, but I push those people away. As you say, you have mentioned several times that Drew is getting the short end of the stick (but does he ever get the stick really – steelheart pun intended) and that it’s not his fault, but what do you do to give him more stick and keep him? His posts make it clear he’s not going anywhere, but does that scare you as much as it seems it does? I’m asking in the same vein as I did the other because I’m seeking advice to keep myself and my relationship with my other when I get weird.

    Squeeze some life lemonade, Thumper

  2. It took me a minute to realize that Andrew wasn’t not Drew but now this makes sense. You have mentioned continuously that you have been bad to Drew (paraphrasing) Can I ask if you are in a better place since its been a fortnight?

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