Brain droppings continued

So, picking up where I left off…

No, I didn’t sleep. Not a wink. I think this was due to five things.

  • The stuff I was writing about in the last post
  • Being involved in a car accident last night (not my fault, nobody but my beautiful little car was injured)
  • Belle leaving the country for ten days starting early tomorrow
  • I’m getting over a cold
  • Being horny

Yes, I am horny again. Kind of a lot. That’s a positive development. I promise my next post will focus on sexier topics considering it says right there on the label that this is a sex blog.

Anyway, I left that last post on a rather despondent note. I do know a reason to come out about being bisexual. If bisexuals don’t come out, we continue to be invisible. I get that, even as I take advantage of that invisibility. As long as we’re invisible and people think they don’t know any, we’ll continue to be weird outliers nobody understands. Seems as though nearly everybody knows someones who’s gay nowadays. How many people know someone who’s an out bisexual?

Thing is, my theory is most people are bisexualish if you define it (as I do) as anyone on the Kinsey Scale between one and five (of course, I’m not telling anyone how to identify). And if most people are bisexual in that way (in that they can minimally have occasional stirrings for someone of their gender even if they never act on them), then you have the continuation of the myth of choice in one’s sexuality. Because, of course, if every once in a while your twitchy bits twitch at the sight of someone of your gender at the gym but you don’t do anything other than let them twitch (and maybe guiltily think of it while jacking off later) then naturally the gays are simply allowing themselves to succumb to such urges.

So, yeah, all bisexuals should come out. 100% agree. Except I don’t know how.

The most provocative thing Obi-wan said to me in the few sessions we’ve had is he’s not sure I’m an introvert. I have nearly always tested that way and have seen in myself many of the indicators, but Obi-wan’s theory is my highly compartmentalized state of being leaves me feeling wary of opening up to people and that, presumably, mimics introversion. He doesn’t think I sound or act like a real introvert.

He also says I must feel incredibly lonely. Since I don’t allow hardly anyone to know all about me, and since real intimacy requires that, most of my friends are superficial. One of my biggest fears is being alone, so this resonates. There are very few people who have insight into more than a few of my little closets. I can probably count them on my fingers with a few left over.

A big strike against me being an introvert, apparently, is how open and honest I want to be. I would rather spill my guts to someone and have no secrets, but I’m held back by the fear of breaching my dratted compartments. This entire blog, he thinks, is a kind of outlet for my extroverted nature in that I can come here and say (and show) almost anything to thousands of people on a regular basis. A point of friction might have developed if you think about that in conjunction with what I said yesterday about being in conflict with the interpretations of some of my readers.

As I said in my previous post, I do feel like I’ve been improving lately. My sex drive is back, I’m more engaged in things other than my sexual relationship with Drew. Last night not withstanding, my sleeping has been much better. I have many fewer panicky moments and generally feel less anxious and depressed. I’m thinking more about the future than I have in a while, and not with a cloud of dread hanging over it. All in the right direction, unless you’re Drew and you’re looking for some bunny tail.

I don’t know where this is all going. I don’t know yet if things will go back to how they were. I feel bad about that for Drew because if they don’t it won’t be because of anything he did. At least not something he should have known about. He’s been a prince through all this and for that I’m grateful.

I’m also grateful for Belle because she’s been incredibly supportive through everything. She gave me some space around our dynamic when I needed it and took that space away when she thought I could handle it. My desire to submit to her and the resultant increase in my general feelings of horniness wrap me up like a warm fuzzy blanket. I couldn’t have a better partner.

9 thoughts on “Brain droppings continued

  1. Nice posts. Really. Regardless of what happens in the future with Drew, I think it’s clear you have brought him into that “full realm of Thumper” so, sex or not, I think that’s wonderful to hear and I think you know that two.

    You two bring out the best of each other writing wise. I really really bloody wish you’d show what he wrote about what he didn’t see when he saw Belle. I adored that and it said it all.

    Sorry about your car. Glad you are okay.

    Blessings.

  2. The right partner means everything. Makes it all easier to to handle. Doesn’t make it go away but we at least have that one person to be completely open with. That too has been a journey. But it feels good to have that person.

  3. I read this and part one this morning and I’ve been thinking about it all day. I’m feeling a similar way. I found myself drawing away from my extended family and some friends. At first I classed that as my being an introvert but lately I’ve been thinking that I may be withdrawing because I can’t be my whole self with them and keeping things separate is fucking exhausting!
    Thanks for sharing it!

  4. OMG. Put my name in, and your feelings match me. Except having a supportive spouse – mine makes sure I know every day how stupid I am.

  5. Thumper, I’m a 52 year old guy in NYC whose been locked by his husband for 10 plus years. I’m currently in a Steelwerks like the one you took a picture in but I have referenced you thousands of times during the years. So, I’d like to ask you something from a different perspective and hope you will not be offended (because I think you may or have realized it) but, are you unintentionally holding resentment about having all these feelings, or having to deal with these feelings, against Drew? I only ask because aside from an occasional “he’s been a champ” phrase here or there, he’s only brought up when he’s the butt of a problem. I suspect you feel nothing but great admiration for him and I hope you don’t ban me from your blog for sending this, but, as you’ve done this more, his tone has gotten much darker. It’s probably a huge coincidence, but I’d love to hear, from you, some of the positive things he’s brought to your world too.

    Please don’t ban me.

    1. YOURESOBANNED.

      I kid.

      “…are you unintentionally holding resentment about having all these feelings, or having to deal with these feelings, against Drew?”

      No. Really.

      “I only ask because aside from an occasional “he’s been a champ” phrase here or there, he’s only brought up when he’s the butt of a problem.”

      I don’t think that’s true, but remember this is a blog about me and Belle, not me and Drew. He has a supporting role here, not a starring role. That’s how it’s been from the start out of respect for Belle.

      “…as you’ve done this more, his tone has gotten much darker.”

      Yes, I know. I also know he’s been going through some separate stuff in his life at the same time. There’s a bit of coincidence going on, though I don’t suggest it’s entirely unrelated to what I’m putting him through.

    2. Michael, I have spent a really long time thinking about this comment (much longer than I should have I know) and I have to admit I appreciated your point of view enough that it sparked a conversation with Thumper last night which was not so much about this specifically, but the complexities of our relationship and how the mental far outweighs the physical most of the time.

      I want to echo Thumper on his blog to once again say that Denying Thumper is about he and Belle and that, while I have been a member of the supporting cast for a year, neither of us are interested in me having a full time role and frankly, he can’t afford me because my contractual demands are severe. I kid of course, but please don’t forget this is not about me.

      That said, I did talk to him about the use of “except Drew” (or similar) when talking about his great horniness and the like and that was just an awareness thing because I know how it’s meant, but certainly can see how it can be perceived. Again, this is about he and Belle, though I am sure she would not mind if he occasionally complemented me on my great big personality or something, but all is okay one this side of the little square thing we have. I promise.

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