So, picking up where I left off…
No, I didn’t sleep. Not a wink. I think this was due to five things.
- The stuff I was writing about in the last post
- Being involved in a car accident last night (not my fault, nobody but my beautiful little car was injured)
- Belle leaving the country for ten days starting early tomorrow
- I’m getting over a cold
- Being horny
Yes, I am horny again. Kind of a lot. That’s a positive development. I promise my next post will focus on sexier topics considering it says right there on the label that this is a sex blog.
Anyway, I left that last post on a rather despondent note. I do know a reason to come out about being bisexual. If bisexuals don’t come out, we continue to be invisible. I get that, even as I take advantage of that invisibility. As long as we’re invisible and people think they don’t know any, we’ll continue to be weird outliers nobody understands. Seems as though nearly everybody knows someones who’s gay nowadays. How many people know someone who’s an out bisexual?
Thing is, my theory is most people are bisexualish if you define it (as I do) as anyone on the Kinsey Scale between one and five (of course, I’m not telling anyone how to identify). And if most people are bisexual in that way (in that they can minimally have occasional stirrings for someone of their gender even if they never act on them), then you have the continuation of the myth of choice in one’s sexuality. Because, of course, if every once in a while your twitchy bits twitch at the sight of someone of your gender at the gym but you don’t do anything other than let them twitch (and maybe guiltily think of it while jacking off later) then naturally the gays are simply allowing themselves to succumb to such urges.
So, yeah, all bisexuals should come out. 100% agree. Except I don’t know how.
The most provocative thing Obi-wan said to me in the few sessions we’ve had is he’s not sure I’m an introvert. I have nearly always tested that way and have seen in myself many of the indicators, but Obi-wan’s theory is my highly compartmentalized state of being leaves me feeling wary of opening up to people and that, presumably, mimics introversion. He doesn’t think I sound or act like a real introvert.
He also says I must feel incredibly lonely. Since I don’t allow hardly anyone to know all about me, and since real intimacy requires that, most of my friends are superficial. One of my biggest fears is being alone, so this resonates. There are very few people who have insight into more than a few of my little closets. I can probably count them on my fingers with a few left over.
A big strike against me being an introvert, apparently, is how open and honest I want to be. I would rather spill my guts to someone and have no secrets, but I’m held back by the fear of breaching my dratted compartments. This entire blog, he thinks, is a kind of outlet for my extroverted nature in that I can come here and say (and show) almost anything to thousands of people on a regular basis. A point of friction might have developed if you think about that in conjunction with what I said yesterday about being in conflict with the interpretations of some of my readers.
As I said in my previous post, I do feel like I’ve been improving lately. My sex drive is back, I’m more engaged in things other than my sexual relationship with Drew. Last night not withstanding, my sleeping has been much better. I have many fewer panicky moments and generally feel less anxious and depressed. I’m thinking more about the future than I have in a while, and not with a cloud of dread hanging over it. All in the right direction, unless you’re Drew and you’re looking for some bunny tail.
I don’t know where this is all going. I don’t know yet if things will go back to how they were. I feel bad about that for Drew because if they don’t it won’t be because of anything he did. At least not something he should have known about. He’s been a prince through all this and for that I’m grateful.
I’m also grateful for Belle because she’s been incredibly supportive through everything. She gave me some space around our dynamic when I needed it and took that space away when she thought I could handle it. My desire to submit to her and the resultant increase in my general feelings of horniness wrap me up like a warm fuzzy blanket. I couldn’t have a better partner.