Priorities

Reader Mysticlez218 left a comment to my last post and when I started to think of a reply it became clear it was going to need a bit more room.

I love how you don’t let your pride or self-esteem play a role when it comes to wanting her to be completely pleased. That is rare with some people. Some people get so caught up with self-esteem and pride they forget their submission altogether.

Mysticlez218

I don’t want to give the impression I don’t have pride. I do. Just not…there. I have pride in being as good a sub as I can be and Joe is a new and important part of that.

The road to where I am today regarding the disconnection between the penis and my self-esteem has been a long one. It’s not where I was at the beginning of my locked existence and it didn’t come naturally before then.

Since I was having sexcapades with others from a relatively young age, I knew that the penis on me developed more quickly than it did with the other boys. Therefore, I had the opinion as I entered my teenage and young adult years that it was bigger than usual. I held on to this misperception for some time.

Then, when I met Belle, she related to me that her previous husband had been really big. Like, porn star dildo sized big. And that…caused a pang, I will admit. Perhaps she picked up on that because after telling me a few times, she never brought it up again. But he was so big she had a hard time enjoying sex when he was on top. He was, I’d guess, bigger than Joe.

Not only did she stop bringing it up, but she also seemed to go out of her way to tell me how enjoyable the penis was. And that felt good, tbh, back when it played a more significant role in our relationship. But over the past decade or so while experimenting with various toys and such it’s become obvious that while the ex-husband might have been too big, the current husband was not big enough. Which is not to say she was lying when she said she enjoyed the penis. But it wasn’t the preferred size.

Luckily, by the time that news broke, I had changed in a few ways. First, I have more or less disassociated my own sexual pleasure from the penis. Which is not to say I don’t enjoy when it’s out and getting stimulated. All the nerve endings still work. But my idea of a super-satisfying sexual encounter and all my fantasies have nothing at all to do with it. It’s all external to me. It’s all wrapped up in whatever person I’m having sex with, and in the case of Belle, it’s all about her body and her pleasure. Exclusively.

Point being, if you’re like me and don’t think at all about sex with your penis and are so totally focused on the pleasure of your partner, it seems like an easy jump to say finding a dildo sized to her preference and being able to use it for as long as she wants it used is one-hundred-and-fifty-fucking-percent the ideal situation.

But that’s not all of it. I also get off on being denied a me-centric sexual experience and release. Keeping the penis in the Steelheart while she’s fucked cross-eyed is a massive turn on for me (and that, in turn, is basically cuckolding’s next door neighbor). Feeling the penis strain while fucking a dildo in and out of her while she squirms in pleasure is absolute perfection.

Also related, I somehow and additionally get off on knowing the penis isn’t enough. Not just that it’s denied. But that if it was out, it still wouldn’t be enough. That knowledge is like pouring jet fuel on all of the above. I need to know that. I want to know that. It’s important to me.

And so, all together, no, the penis has nothing at all to do with my confidence in how I can pleasure and satisfy Belle. And Joe’s presence, assuming she likes it and it gets her off, actually enhances my confidence. It increases my satisfaction since my satisfaction is entirely invested in hers. The happier she is with sex, the happier I am.

When she lets me fuck her with the penis, I know it’s not as big as she’d like. I also know it doesn’t last as long as she’d like. Not remotely close. That puts a lot of pressure and guilt on me because I simply can’t do what I want to do for her. In this construct — and after everything written above is considered — I’d rather always stay locked up and never fuck her with anything but Joe for the rest of our lives.

Because, in all the ways that are meaningful, the contents of the Steelheart simply don’t matter.

She calls him Joe

Belle has been keeping me locked up more lately. Used to be, she’d let the contents out once a week or so so she could enjoy a hard penis but then that started to go to every other week. And now recently it’s been weeks, maybe once a month. Longer, even.

Last weekend, she let it out for her enjoyment. Of course, I lasted barely any time at all. I tried so hard but I have next to no ability to resist at this point. Not so much premature ejaculation as much as near instantaneous. And then, after the feeling passes, the penis loses all firmness. It’s been beaten down and just gives up. Which makes me feel bad. Not only do I think she’s leaving me in longer than her pleasure would dictate (that is, she may want to get fucked but she’s not letting me out because it’s what I want rather than what she wants), but then when she does let it out, it barely works. She can’t get a good fuck and I get a majority of the pleasurable feelings from the brief encounter (because it feels amazing), even without orgasm.

I’m just not wired to think that’s OK. I want her to have maximal pleasure. I want her to have everything she wants from sex. Always and every time. And I know, because we’ve been having sex for a long time now, that she really, really likes getting fucked. I mean, I totally get that. So obviously, being unable to give her that is a challenge for my sub nature.

In the past, we had experimented with strap-ons. She wasn’t happy with how the dildos felt since they didn’t feel real. Also, she generally likes our sex to be as low effort as possible and waiting for me to get the harness on and such wasn’t of interest to her. But it was apparent to me that she was not getting what she wanted with the current arrangement so I suggested we try again. To my surprise, she was open to the idea.

Continue reading “She calls him Joe”

There is no spoon

An interesting little exchange on Twitter about Tom’s chastity/denial matrix. I was trying to formulate a response but found the Twitter construct limiting so I’m doing it here. The exchange was this, in response to a tweet of mine about the matrix and asking people where they’d put themselves on it:

While I don’t think of chastity and denial as a punishment, I also don’t strictly speaking think of it as a life choice. I mean, yes, of course it’s a choice. I have a choice as to whether I’m locked up and denied. I entered into this arrangement with Belle and, theoretically, could get out of it if I needed or wanted to.

That said, I feel that accepting chastity and denial is more than a simple choice. I feel, deeply, that I am meant to be locked up and denied. That it is my natural state. It’s how I am supposed to be. Some of us are meant to have orgasms and some of us are meant to cause them.

So, no, I’m not being punished. Because I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with me. But access to the contents of the device and the pleasure of orgasm are being enforced and subjected upon me. Left to my own devices, I would eventually succumb to desire and give myself an orgasm. My nature and my evolutionary programming are at odds that way.

Tom left a comment on my reblog of his post saying that too often chastity and denial are conflated as the same thing. Some men are denied but not locked up. Some are locked up but are allowed to come fairly regularly. And that’s totally true. Tom suggests it all falls under the umbrella of “erotic orgasm denial,” and that works, but I do find myself wishing we had a word that was exclusively for the part of the Venn diagram where one is both locked and denied. I have no idea what that word might be. Some people use “chaste” but that’s not at all right since it’s a synonym with celibate and chastity and denial lead to more and better sex, not less. Certainly not none.

In reality, being denied but not locked would make me a non-functional adult. I would not be able to concentrate on anything at all after a few weeks. The device makes the denial not just possible, but also doable. I’ve read some blogs where the sub or the Dom consider devices a crutch or not “real” denial. Because the sub isn’t in control of it, their keyholder is. Of course, there is no One True Way. But for me, deviceless denial is a non-starter.

Also, I like the gear. I’m a nerd. I like stuff. I like to think about stuff. I like to compare them and consider their plusses and minuses and how they might be made better. I’d miss if the device was absent because I like it as an object. And, as I’ve written about a lot lately, I’ve grown to think of the device as part of me. It’s not separate from my sexual existence. It is my sexual existence. Like I said above, I was meant for this.

Also also, I’m into the compression. I’m into bondage. I’m a masochist. I like the feeling of having a locked penis and especially when it’s locked and trying to get hard.

So anyway, to circle back, it’s not about punishment. But it is about discipline. And it is about control and order and security. And I crave all those things down deep in my core.

The reason for the season

Belle and I found ourselves alone in the house Saturday night which, as the parents of two, is not the usual situation. We watched some random TV for a while then it occurred to her that she could make noise. Which means, she could scream her head off while coming which is her favorite way to come.

So the TV went off and to the bedroom we went. We started with some light making out then heavy petting then she told me to strip. She took my balls in her hands and roughly massaged them before moving to straight up squeezing and abuse. Of course, she knows I’m a masochist, but she also seemed to be enjoying this. I don’t think it was just for me.

“How can I make you come?” There are many options, even with no available penis between us. I could use my fingers. I could use a vibrator. She could use a vibrator. There’s her glass dildo. But what I really wanted, what I hoped she wanted, was for me to eat her out.


This whole interaction between us is, I think, indicative of what Locktober is all about. We’re about halfway through at this point and what I see a lot on Twitter from guys in similar predicaments is stuff about how long we’ve been locked up and how horny we all are and pictures to prove both (and, of course, I am totally guilty of all these things), but really, that’s not what we should be focusing on. Our denial is not what denial is about.

I think the purpose of enforced chastity and orgasm denial is to teach us that…

  1. The point of sex is pleasure and satisfaction for our partners, not us.
  2. The pent up energy of denial frustration should be redirected to maximizing their pleasure and satisfaction.
  3. We need to recognize and accept that the frustration and craving is our version of pleasure. Their orgasm is our satisfaction.

Every cell in my body tells me these things are true. But every cell in my body has been trained by a decade of being locked up and I am 100% submissive. There are probably a lot of guys (and their keyholders) out there who are just starting out who may not yet get that chastity and denial aren’t about being as horny as possible prior to eventual release and explosive orgasm. Of course, everyone gets to do this their own way and ultimately our keyholders are the ones who decide, but penis-centric thinking is the antithesis of what chastity and denial represent.

As the Ancient One told Doctor Strange, “It’s not about you.” It’s about them, our keyholders. If you think of chastity and denial as a thing you endure until they let you come again, you’re still thinking with your penis. If you talk to your keyholder about how long you will be locked up — either asking for that time to be extended or reduced — you’re thinking with your penis. Worse, you’re making them think about your penis.

Guess what? Once you hand over the key, it’s not your penis anymore. It’s theirs. And what happens or doesn’t happen to it is up to them, not you. Which is why your best bet is to only think about their pleasure. Their orgasm. Their satisfaction.

Locktober isn’t about you being locked. It’s about why they lock you.


Belle did want me to go down on her. I could barely contain myself as I moved down her body, kissing her nipples and her stomach and her pelvis before placing my face before the heat of her sex. Humid and potent, I pushed my tongue into her wetness and lapped at her clit. Hands on her hips, I could feel her gyrate against my mouth. Pressing her pussy into my face to make sure I hit all the right spots.

The Evotion 8 locked on my body became painfully tight and I was unable to lay flat on my stomach. I had to angle my hip up to relieve the pressure on the throbbing, desperate contents of the device.

The volume of her ecstasy grew as her hands moved from her breasts to the hair on my head. As she got closer to orgasm, she grabbed fistfuls of it, almost using it to steer my attention. Her pussy juice was flowing freely down my chin and coated my nose and face. The discomfort between my legs distracted from focusing all my senses on the tip of my tongue and how it was flicking over her and the reactions that elicited in her movements and exclamations.

Her orgasm exploded in a great, deep bellowing of pleasure. She was screaming her satisfaction and her pussy was spasming under my mouth. Her whole body tensed then released, one thing after another. First her hips, then her fistfuls of hair, then her back, then her legs.

I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to stop tasting her. To leave the center of the power she has over me. I was in the throne room and couldn’t bring myself to back out. So while she basked I lingered, breathing deeply her pheromones. Letting her pussy saturate my senses. The black plastic locked on my body refused to relent in its grasp.

I stayed as long as I dared. She’d be wanting me to snuggle and embrace her. She’d want the covers back up over her body. I wanted…what I wanted wasn’t the point. Of course, I wanted out. To fuck her. To slip into her fantastically wet pussy and pound it until I came. But that was fantasy.

And thinking too hard on that was unproductive. So I moved up and covered her and held her and kissed her and thanked her for everything she does for me. Including keeping me locked for all of Locktober and every other month.

Avoiding temptation

Recently, due to travel, I’ve been in and out of the Steelheart and the Holy Trainer Nub. Since I was most recently traveling either with coworkers or family, the experience of my recent TSA run-in has caused me to go through security unsecured which has led to putting devices on in bathrooms immediately after.

I traveled for work a few weeks ago and took the Steelheart through in my carry-on. Same when I went to visit Frodo. It’s never caused any TSA agent to want to inspect it though I assume it shows as a very metal object on the X-ray, just not in a shape that they find interesting. There’s no telling if it ever will get flagged for inspection, but so far it hasn’t. Since on the work trip I knew where I was going to be the whole time, I felt comfortable being in steel, but this trip we were on last weekend was in touristy areas and occasionally steel becomes an issue so I was in plastic.

Someone messaged me to ask how I avoid temptation when locking and unlocking, especially when I’m alone, and does the penis ever get ideas of its own and make putting the device on difficult.

Starting with that last point, yes, it can get difficult. Though that’s the exception. I’m usually moving too fast and with too much purpose for the thing to get to a difficult state. It’s not uncommon for it to be plumped from the act of being contained, but if I keep my wits about me and don’t think too hard about it, it stays in a workable state. I’d guess more than 90% of the time there’s not much more than a little plumping that occurs. Barely amounts to a chubby.

With regard to the avoiding temptation, I think the thing about that is I don’t want to be unlocked. Not ever. I resent having to be that way. And because I want to be locked up, I can generally be trusted with the key. Belle lets me have it when I need to take it with me and we don’t get hung up on where it is or what I’m doing with it (though when I went to see Frodo she asked for proof I was locked which is just sweet and hot).

While with Frodo, I did have to unlock a few times due to concerns about possible metal detectors (which were unfounded, it turns out), but again, I am never thinking of ways to cheat and/or get out of chastity. There is simply no way I could be with Frodo like that. I’d hate it. It’s impossible to consider. The Rules are the rules and I’m so invested in them the idea of not following them is totally alien to me. Luckily, Frodo gets that and has never even joked about me not being true to Belle’s expectations. To the contrary, when I was unlocked while we were out and about he made a point of telling me I didn’t need to be that way.

No, it’s not unusual for me to crave the contents, but it never goes beyond that. Just this morning on the way to work, I was distractingly horny and intensely aware of the Steelheart and what it was keeping me from and the desire to have access was achingly palpable, but that’s as far as it goes. I crave the crave. That is the point of what I am: always yearning, always struggling, never satisfied. Controlled. Obeying. Denied.

Unf.

Popping the lock and letting it out would destroy everything. Temptation only works when the prospective object is something one desires. I do not desire the penis as a penis. I desire what not having access to it creates.

The Rules (updated)

The rules under which our dynamic operates have evolved over time, but the last time they were updated was almost three years ago. My previous post discussed a rule I put in place for myself about not touching the penis, but rules I put on myself are easily waived or bent. Rules Belle puts in place carry much more weight. So this morning…

Therefore, here is the updated list of Rules that I follow.

  • I can only come when Belle tells me to and, if she tells me to, I have to.
  • I must be wearing a chastity device at all times, unless she says otherwise.
  • When unlocked, I cannot touch the penis except for maintenance purposes or to swap devices. Never for pleasure, unless she has released it for sex.
  • I am not to volunteer how I feel about having an orgasm and must never ask for one.
  • If I have sex with someone else, the penis must always be locked. No exceptions.

The revised “no touching” rule replaces one that said I wasn’t allowed to play with it. Touching leads to playing so, in reality, this is better. The definition of “playing” isn’t as definite as “touching.”

These are the rules she expects me to follow. I vow to do so. Of course, it’s hard. If submission were easy, it wouldn’t be worth much.