Brought to you by the letter Q

I decided recently to change the word I use to identify my sexuality. Up until now, I called myself bisexual. I’ve never been happy with that term and using it has always felt like wearing an ill-fitting cardigan. I guess it’s all the negative connotation that goes along with it. Lots of gays stop in bisexualville on their way to their final destination and lots of wannabes who play around with people of the same gender in college do the same. It sounds flighty, shallow, and insincere. At least to me. If you call yourself bisexual, more power to you.

Gay doesn’t work either since it suggests exclusivity to (or, at least, priority for) the same gender. I don’t have that either. I can honestly say that I average out to a Kinsey 3. Some days, I find myself more drawn sexually to women, some days to men, but never even close to anything like a preference for one over the other. As I’ve mentioned before, I find emotional comfort with women, but I’ll fuck (or be fucked by) anything. Which, of course, is why straight doesn’t work either. I may be in a heterosexual relationship, but that doesn’t make me straight. I feel just as far from being straight as I do the opposite of that.

And so I’ve settled on queer. Of course, I’ve been aware of the word for a long time, but it’s always turned me off because I associate it (right or wrong) with a certain militant sociopolitical stance which I’m not comfortable with. Now, though, I don’t see it that way. This change in perception started by listing to Dan Savage talk about it in a recent podcast. He wasn’t talking to me, of course, but the way he described it resonated in a way bisexual never has. I like that it suggests difference from the norm rather than anything specific. I like that is sounds permanent. I like that it encompasses the kink side of my sexuality, too – this entire other axis I’ve only recently embraced. I am not like the other kids, obviously. Not straight, not gay, not vanilla (whatever that is). I am queer.

Of course, none of this is either here or there. I’m not going to have to change my census answers nor will this be reflected on my tax forms. I’m still exactly the same, except now the cardigan fits better.

14 thoughts on “Brought to you by the letter Q

  1. The queer Zen master addressed his students. “If you call me gay, you ignore my reality. If you call me straight, you ignore the fact. Now, what do you call me?”

    The bisexuals are the red-headed step-children of the sex world. My gay friends call them “wanna-bes” and “weekend warriors.” My straight friends call them “gay.”

    Like those who label them selves “switch” in the BDSM world, Bi folk are distrusted by gays, who think they’re just playing, and by straights, who have this idea that you have to be one or the other, not both.

  2. PtF wrote many years ago in alt.bondage-bsdm.misc:

    I’m a poly bi switch. No I’m not undecided, just greedy.

  3. I kinda like the term “K3” which stands for the middle of the Kinsey scale, but if I’m the only guy sporting it, then it’s not really doing much as an identity…

  4. You could always use hetroflexable. It works for me sometimes. Although I’m usually a Flaming Hetrosexual. Although i do love Being taken with a strap-on I don’t thing i would ever like the real thing in there or anywhere else for that matter.

    1. Enjoying it up the ass isn’t, IMO, enough to impugn one’s hetero bonafides. It’s not the straight man’s fault his prostate feels good when it’s stimulated.

      Based on your comment, you’re pretty darn straight, backdoor action and all.

  5. I kind of like bisexual, as a word. Just bi. it’s cute. It suits me.

    But I don’t like what it represents in language – the binary system. The symbols for two, and not more. Why do we have to choose a side?

    Funny though, I just learned more about the word queer the other week, and had been meaning to blog about it. Now I had to, since you had been thinking on the same theme too. I guess it really should be enough to just say “I’m queer” if someone wants a definition for what I’m into.

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