My invisible closet

Yesterday, I posted about the issues I had with assuming men who say they’re interested in women looking at “gay porn” are closeted gays. There’s just not a straight (ahem) line from one to the other. But that’s yesterday’s topic.

In the post, I said…

If I’m closeted, it’s as…whatever it is I am. I don’t tell people about my sexual stimulants. It’s just not something that comes up and I’m not the kind of guy to wear such a thing on my sleeve (multi-year explicit sex blog to the contrary). Plus, as I’ve said before, I hate the term “bisexual” and abhor using it as a descriptor for who I am.

Then I said…

Some of us don’t want anything more than the same basic rights and privileges enjoyed by everyone else. Some of us think there is no better way to advocate for that than to show through the living of our lives that we’re no different.

And then I said in a comment…

[T]he way to get full acceptance isn’t through names and labels and words that divide us. It’s through living a free and open life and demonstrating through actions that all people are fundamentally the same.

Which is kinda the same thing I said before, but whatever.

In thinking on this, it occurs to me that there’s a fairly gaping and obvious flaw in my approach. I’m not “out” as someone with non-straight proclivities. Therefore, how can I show anything at all about other people similar to me through the living of my life? It’s kind of a Catch-22. I won’t accept the label “bisexual” (though I have used it about myself here in the past as it is convenient shorthand) and I’m already married so how, exactly, can I “come out?” Out as what? Which, of course, is why people invent labels. Yeah, I know.

I don’t care if people know I’m flexible but I’m also not going to drop it on them without context because that’s just weird. I guess the same goes for the kink and submission attributes. I’m not ashamed, but I’m also not interested in being flamboyant about it. If you think about, there are remarkably few opportunities to tell someone about the guy-on-guy action you’ve indulged in where that information would be relevant to the conversation.

I don’t really have an answer for this. I’m just identifying the issue.

4 Replies to “My invisible closet”

  1. “I don’t care if people know I’m flexible but I’m also not going to drop it on them without context because that’s just weird.”


    I’m having ‘out’ issues right now, and basically ~ within my own personal context and relationship structure(s) ~ that whole ‘just weird’ thing is a major conundrum.

    My family is filled with freaks and geeks, and ‘traditional’ relationships are a major fail with the people who share my genetic code. When my brother introduces his third husband, for instance, nobody bats an eye. When my nephew goes to live in a nudist commune, we all just nod and say, “Can you pass the rolls please?” But I have yet to figure out a way to break it to my parents that I’m a monogamish polyfuckerist, and how to explain the concept that I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, despite the fact that I am married to a man I (and they) love and adore.

    And also…

    Why should I?


    Issues, Thumper. I am having issues.

  2. You know, I read the blog you wrote yesterday and it gave me an eye-brow raising moment (and even inspired me to write a blog on parts of yours). Here’s the thing I’ve been telling newbie bisexuals for a long time now: Stop making such a big deal about being out. If you are, you are; if not, why do something you’re very likely to wind up regretting when your friends and families take you to task for being gay… and more so if you’re really in a bisexual frame of mind?

    As long as you’re comfortable with your situation, if you don’t or can’t come out, why lose any sleep over it? So you’re closeted – you’re not the only one who is so you’re in there with some good company because plenty of people can find good reasons not to advertise their sexuality

    So, yeah, I’m bisexual, I LOVE women to death and, uh-huh, I might watch a little gay porn from time to time and I damned well know that I’m not gay and wouldn’t ever want to be… but I do like dick, if I may be so bold to say, and I don’t make any bones about that and that’s mostly because I don’t care what anyone else thinks or has to say about it.

    Mrs. Fever, I know exactly how you’re feeling and it bugged me for as long as it took me to think about it and decide that if my family didn’t like the poly life I was leading, I’m sorry to hear that but this is about me and not you so live with it or don’t.

    Pass the rolls, willya?

  3. For years I used the term “Ambisexual” for myself, because I really did not know. So any “deciding” was a matter of social convenience, not an meaningful answer. As a regular tranny in a relationship with a kinky woman THEN, my lines were already blurred; as an occasional tranny, in a relationship with a post-op TS today – my reaction is: “Who are these lines for exactly?”.

    I was with two friends on holiday three years ago. They could not decide how to introduce me to a vanilla local; as Susan – or – Paul. It came out as “SUP”. They always called me Susan and still do; unless I‘m dressed male and being introduced to a vanilla stranger. Defined identity is sometimes just a matter of social simplification, it is not contractual, so just Chill.

    A property development company I worked for, once sent out seasonal cards with the words “Happy Christmas – subject to contract.” Those words were on everything sent from that office. It was an IN HOUSE joke. Perhaps our Social Gender and Sexuality “labels” should be seen the same way. Nobody wears heels all the time; its a day by day decision.

    Happy Christmas – Chill


    1. *checking*

      Yep, not not chill. Nothing quite as off-putting as someone telling you to settle down when you’re not riled up.

      Also also…

      “Defined identity is sometimes just a matter of social simplification, it is not contractual, so just Chill.”

      You didn’t read what I wrote yesterday. Whatever. Chill.

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