Cheatin’ heart

I saw on the Twitter the other day someone post a link to their blog where they talked about whether masturbation could be considered cheating on one’s partner. I didn’t click the link so can’t give them credit or even see what they said because at the time the topic didn’t seem that interesting. But here I am still thinking about it.

First off, for me, yes, masturbation would be considered cheating. I’m not allowed to do it. I consider it something I used to do back when I had control over the penis. That’s gone and along with it went my right to jack it whenever I want and the resulting orgasms. So I do personally consider at least masturbating with the penis to be a form of cheating. But that’s just me.

But that’s not the only kind of masturbation one can do. This morning, I took advantage of the last school day (and concomitant child-free time we’ll see in our house for a while) to scratch an itch only a big fat dildo can get to for me. I had a grand time and would probably still be doing it even now if not for the demands of work, life, etc. Is that cheating? At one point, Belle told me I had to have permission to do even that but I don’t bother asking her anymore. She’s made it clear that she’s not interested in working with me on my need to be someone’s hole so, when the craving gets to be too much, I’m my own. I do not consider that cheating since the activity involves my deeply-seated need to seat something deeply inside my ass. It’s a thing she’s not interested in so I’m not withholding anything from her. And, since I don’t come at the end, I’m not depleting my reserves of sexual energy in the slightest. Quite the opposite.

But what about you, oh dear amorphous blob of the average sex blog viewing masses? Is masturbation cheating when you do it? That all depends. If you’re the lower-case consonant in a power exchange dynamic like I am, yep, without explicit permission, I’d say it probably is. If you’re the upper-case consonant, nope, you can do whatever you want since the rules are yours. (I generalize and assume, of course.) But if you’re not playing the D/s game, I would say that I’m inclined to think excessive masturbation is a form of cheating.

Back in the Bad Old Days of our relationship, when we never had sex (OK, not never, but like maybe once every couple of months at best), I would jack-off regularly. I’d leave the bed, go into the den and edge myself for as long as possible looking at and reading porn until I spewed all over. Masturbation wasn’t the thing that caused our problems but it exacerbated them. The more I jerked-off the less interested I was in Belle and working on our issues and the greater the gap between us grew. I became angry and resentful and that led to all kinds of nasty stuff which, in turn, led to where we are now which is glorious so I’m not bemoaning that it had to happen. But we were lucky.

So yeah, in the specific case I laid out above, I think masturbation is cheating the relationship. It may be the case that people with extraordinarily high sex drives or the young can pull one out in the morning and still have enough left at the end of the day to make their partner feel special. Obviously, there are no absolutes. But you know what kind of person you are and where your relationship is. So you tell me. Are you cheating yourself and your partner when you take care of yourself? Are you using easy access to your wiggly bits as a way to ignore other issues and/or obligations?

I guess, at the end of it all, I can’t say if it’s cheating for you. Context is everything. Personally, I think people in relationships would be better served by pleasuring themselves absent their partners as infrequently as possible. But I’ve said things like that before and gotten in trouble. Oh well. I still think it…

24 thoughts on “Cheatin’ heart

  1. Yes, darling thumper, masturbating of ANY kind without permission here is cheating. His cock is mine, his ass is mine anything sexual about him, is mine! 🙂

    We were just talking this morning and since he’s locked completely until August his directed &/or forced masturbation has become something else. It’s when I allow him to rub his balls or even pinch his nipples for me… those are his only forms of “masturbation” anymore.

  2. Thumper,

    I agree, it is absolutely cheating in the context of the sub in a WLM like I am in. I am specifically denied permission to achieve orgasm, ruin an orgasm, edge myself to near orgasm or even handle my penis for reasons other than urinating and cleaning it. It is therefore cheating.

    As far as scrat5ching that itch that only your favorite dildo can scratch, for me it would also be cheating. Unlike you, Mistress will scratch that very for me on occasion but certainly no where near as much as I wish she would. In fact, my man hole, like my penis, is completely off limits for anything than what nature intends it for and for cleaning. Moreover, anything sexual use of any part of my body is only allowed under the strict supervision of and with the permission of Mistress.

    I guess it all depends on one’s perspective and each of us submissives need to find comfort in whatever level of integrity we should to be comfortable with.

    Excellent post Thunmber. Thanks for sharing

  3. It really is a matter of situation. Chastity or not, it depends on the parties involved. However, I think doing it in secret would be considered being unfaithful. Much like sleeping with another partner would be cheating… unless both parties agreed to an open relationship. As I said, a matter of situation.

    As far as my situation goes: as My Lady has already described, she controls all of my sexual pleasures. I’m not allowed any type of self-stimulation without permission like you are.

  4. I am motivated to focus on the primary reason for being locked. As you commented before, the fact that you were getting your jollies through porn rather than your partner was leading to a dissatisfaction in your relationship. I would think that the ‘test’ of cheating would revolve around whether your commitment to your partner continued to be strong or was getting stronger. Without trying to sound too corporate, I would look to the outcome measures (meaningful and solid relationship) rather than the input measures (your success at avoiding going solo).

    My decision to enter a locked status was to reinforce my commitment to my partner. I wish I could say that it has been a complete success. I am self locked at the moment, and while I have learned to sleep in my device, I find that I can only really go about 36 hours at a time before I start climbing the walls–and when these episodes occur my partner is not always available. Therefore, I then choose to self unlock and ‘remedy’.

    Our relationship has improved but honestly could go further and longer locking periods might make that success. I am just reluctant to make that step. I struggle with my own analysis, in that I am measuring my own inputs, even through intellectually I should focus on the larger outcome.

  5. I happen to be single, but certainly would not consider masturbation cheating, were I in a relationship! For me, masturbation is simple, healthy, and normal. Personally, I think it is a mistake to confuse ‘not making one other person the be-all and end-all of one’s sexuality’ with ‘cheating’.

    Obviously since I read this blog I think chastity can be hot and awesome I get why people might want to give someone else control over their sexual pleasure. But the idea that having sexual fantasies or experiencing sexual pleasure without the immediate involvement of one’s partner somehow takes away from the relationship – I don’t get it. What is the logic that dictates that stroking your penis is cheating, but pouring over vast archives of porn is not? Isn’t admiring naked men a form of pleasuring yourself that is completely divorced from Belle? (Mind you, I in NO way think this is bad – my point is that it’s healthy and desirable for people to explore their sexuality, and that doing so does NOT endanger their relationships.)

    My favorite general definition of cheating is “non-consensual non-monogamy”. But as you say, what constitutes cheating for a specific couple or group will depend on the boundaries they have set up around their specific situation.

    1. > What is the logic that dictates that stroking your penis is cheating, but pouring over vast archives of porn is not?

      Pretty much this. Really, the only gripe I could have with your piece here, Thumper, is that you are tempted to apply your situation to that of others. To your credit, you do say “it depends” a lot. And then you go “people would be better served” …. you know, that really, really depends. I know of some relationships that function well because of, not in spite of, masturbation. What’s true and hot in your relationship does not necessarily translate to others.
      And I get, really I do, the drive to say “this worked for me, ya’ll should try this immediately!” I am guilty of it myself.

      1. Were I Dan Savage, you’d have a valid point (and I liberally sprinkled the “that depends” around for a reason). But this is the personal sex and relationship blog of one dude (and his wife) so by definition I’m relating my perspective and observations.

      2. Fear not, Thumper, I am not going to go maymay on your ass. You’re allowed to get normative at times – and to your credit, you do sprinkle “it depends” liberally around. And then you get normative anyway. It’s only human. I’m no better.

  6. Wow, this is so interesting.

    I define ‘cheating’ in a relationship context as an emotional or physical betrayal *with another person*. To me, it’s not something you can do on your own.

    My submissive’s cock, his orgasms, his pleasure, ALL OF THAT BELONGS TO ME. But then so does everything else. If he fails at following one of my rules for some reason, it’s disappointing, there will be ‘a talk’, there will be consequences, but *cheating*? No way no how.

    The feeling I would have if he broke one of my rules (*what* rule is largely irrelevant) would be so completely and vastly different from the feeling I would have if he cheated with someone that I can’t even put them in the same ball park, not in the same city, not in the same country or even on the same planet.

    If cheating can be a solo activity, then what do you call physical or emotional betrayal that involves another person? “*Really* cheating, for realz”?


    1. Yeah. Keeping it real, and kudos for that. Very true. I break a rule, Bear gets disappointed and there’s a talk. If I ever cheated, I’d break his heart. Our relationship may not, likely would not, survive. Those are not even on the same planet, you are right.

  7. When you have sex do you often leave your PA on? How does your partner feel with it in?
    My partner wants me to have a chain attached to my PA similar to a leach so I could be tied up. She wants me to also pierce my nipples with a chain attached, belly button piercing and wear a collar leach as well.

    She’s quite kinky we usually have sex at least every day, some times twice once before work and in the evening.

    What are the long term side effects of having a PA? Does your doctor say anything at your physical?

    1. I have something in my PA all the time. Belle can usually feel the jewelry, but some is more noticeable than others. Same goes for me. Some of the larger, heavier jewelry very noticeably enhances the sensations of sex and masturbation (when that’s allowed).

      The only long-term side-effect of the PA is that I have to be more mindful about urination. That’s it. I haven’t had the opportunity to wear it in front of a doctor yet, but I assume I’d take it out beforehand in any case.

  8. In my relationship, cheating would have to be infidelity with another person, so masturbation wouldn’t count, unless I was off masturbating with someone else. There are times my spouse might think that masturbation is lazy, or annoying, and I suppose I have other habits like that wouldn’t count as cheating either (is drinking with the carton open cheating? leaving the toilette seat up? getting fat? having an extra beer with a buddy when I should be home?). I suppose there are likely people who might even find MB gross, or immoral, or something of the like, who wouldn’t consider it cheating. Here’s my question—would Belle put MB on the same plain as cheating with another person, or would it be a lesser transgression?

    1. My wife was showing me about a nude resort where all the males must be locked up in PAs and CB6000. It seems interesting and we may check it out. Although I don’t have a PA I’m trying to look into it as well as how to reverse it if we change our minds.

      Just like the other guy, my wife and I have sex every day – only excuse is an illness. She insists on locking me up after sex – not that don’t even have a reason even think of cheating.

      Does anyone else go through a daily lockup after their sex for the day?

      After having our kids we both decided that it would be fair and equitable if we both “get fixed”. My wife is into this equal rights thing :-). That insures we can have sex without any worry.

      I read about that soccer player in England who didn’t remove his PA before activity and did some serious damage.

  9. 3days ago I ran across your blog and read from the beginning to present. We have a few different kinks(I’m not into ball pain) but over all I feel a kindred spirit with your journey. One thing I never figured out is your inability to work around your yucky unsubby feeling after you cum until after you get are locked up for awhile. It looks like you and the wife are fine with your plan but have you ever tried getting into stubby mode before the lock was on for a week or so before putting it on again? It seems you need (as I do) some affirmation and good old fashioned subby stimulation right after cumming. That yucky feeling for me is taken away by immediate stubby vocabulary.

  10. While I don’t keep Elliot locked up he is certainly not allowed to touch himself without my express permission. As for his bottom, I save that for special occasions and milking. Pegging him is not something which I particularly enjoy though he seems to.

    If we ever get another maid I suspect I will pass the pegging off to her.

    The question of whether masturbation is cheating does not arise in our house. Elliot is supposed to do what he is told. If I have not told him to pull his little cockette into his cup and he does he is being disobedient and will be whipped. I have expressly forbidden him to act on any of his sexual desires. At my house there is only one sexually active partner, me. He has no sex and never will again. He has embraced this as part of his submission. Elliot knows that even asking violates his sexual submission and will earn him a quick and serious correction.

    His natural erections are controlled most of the month by a good, stiff, panti-girdle. He may get them but I never have to see them. On the rare occasions I want penetrative sex I will give him a little tablet to ensure he can perform as I require.

    I have to say it is wonderful fun to see his eyes light up when I leave his tablet beside his wine at dinner. But even that is no guarantee. Sometimes I will simply have him lick me to orgasm and have him put his girdle right back on over his pretty, hard, little cock. He never knows. He just does what he is told.

  11. I would have to say, if you’re married or in a relationship … masturbating is cheating. It’s cheating the relationship from a normal sexual life, because it’s almost impossible to masturbate daily or more than daily, and still satisfy your partner. In my case, I masturbated 2 or more time per day. I still wanted to have sex with my wife, but I was unable to complete the task. I either couldn’t stay hard, or I couldn’t cum. It made my wife feel inadequate and wonder if she was the cause of my problems. I knew it wasn’t, but I couldn’t tell her. When she finally found out (she found all my stuff), she was badly hurt. She still is. When I told her that I didn’t have an affair (as if this should be better), she told me that I did … that I had it with my hand instead of her.

    Chastity, invoked by her, saved our marriage. She became aware of chastity because it was in my “stuff” that I used for my fantasies. I’ve got to say it’s better now than ever, but she is still hurt by what I did, and I guess it will just take time.

    It’s better now because I can openly, albeit ashamedly at times, about what my fantasy’s are.

  12. Blanket statements about other people’s lives tend to be wrong. If one partner has a higher desire for sex, and the other doesn’t mind, masturbation could save that marriage. Thumper came up with an imaginative way to get his level of desire in line with Belle’s. Imagine a life where Thumper just kept beating off, but didn’t have sex with another person-we likely wouldn’t be reading this blog.
    If you focus your sexual energy on someone who rejects it, how you deal with that may well include masturbation. Or maybe it’s what you do when you need the release, but your partner in away. You might want to consider why you masturbated so often in the first place, and why having your wife impose chastity on you works for you.

    1. Pastrychef, I wasn’t intending to make a blanket statement … but I guess I did. I think masturbation would be fine if it didn’t get in the way of a relationship … that the sex life remained good and strong. In my case, I know why I masturbated so much. I did because I was adicted to porn, and couldn’t talk about my fantasy’s with my wife (my problem, not hers … I just didn’t think she would undersand and think I was a freak). My wife imposing chastity on me works in two ways … it was a fantasy and it takes away my ability to masturbate (easily). Chastity, obviously, is more than just a plastic cage on my cock … it’s a lifestyle, a committment … that I take very seriously. I don’t want to me a bad husband and I don’t want to be addicted to porn. So far, so good. My wife is still very hurt … she has agreed to excuse my behavior (not forgive me) and I know she will never forget. I can’t expect that, and I will do anything to make her happy. I went too far, I knew what I was doing was bad for us, but I really couldn’t control it, or at least, wasn’t willing to … because I thought I couldn’t.

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