It’s funny because I was thinking about writing something more or less on the topic of change. Specifically, change in how one expresses their sexuality or identity because, you know, that’s the kind of shit I talk about here. Then this shiny turd appeared over at Drew’s blog (emphasis mine):
Drew, you will always be the one who changed Thumper and forced your sissy feelings on him. This is all garbage that further justifies why the concept of gay marriage is bad. You can’t keep it in your pants and want us to accept that?
The comment was left after Drew composed (the second part) what must have been a difficult post on the subject of actually being in an open relationship when it’s the other guy who’s about to get lucky (Axel, not me). He bared his soul to a certain extent and wrote what must have felt like pretty raw and exposing stuff. But this post isn’t about that, specifically. And it’s not even about the comment, really, but it popped into being in the midst of me pondering this topic so it kind of has to be part of it.
I mean, after I point out the vile and disgusting prejudice on display. What a fucking asshole. Truly. I’ll say again, if you feel as this person does regarding marriage equity, know that I can’t stop you from reading my words and gaining value from them, but also know I begrudge that benefit and think you’re amongst the most terrible and reprehensible people on the planet. I hope you choke on it. Have a nice day.
Anyone who’s read this blog for a while (like, earlier than about a year ago) knows that I haven’t really changed at all since Drew appeared on the scene. I was always very open about my bisexuality and the sundry kinks I enjoy. Drew has only provided an outlet for some of my kinks and, to a certain extent, impacted the kinds of things I write about here (like these very words — oh, so meta!). If that’s the change the commenter takes issue with, I’d refer them to this post.
In fact, the fetish core to this site’s raison d’être — enforced male chastity — has probably been with me for as long as I’ve been alive. My sexual attraction to members of my gender goes as far back as my attraction to those of the opposite gender. But, I was not always aware of my interest in things like bondage and masochism and I never thought of the concept of an open marriage as being anything like something I could do.
It seems to me that we’re overly invested in wanting to be “normal” when it comes to sexuality and sex. We’re saturated with images of what that looks like from our earliest exposure to media. Boy, girl, happily ever after. It’s only recently that it seems as though our culture is starting to be OK with recognition of the other dynamics that make up healthy human sexuality. That there is no one definition that fits all. I think the younger generations are going to be significantly healthier than mine was.
Personally, I think we’re born with all our various kinks and preferences fixed in our heads at an early state (maybe before we even emerge). We don’t develop kinks as much as we unearth them. We don’t “turn gay” as much as we allow ourselves to accept that part of ourselves. Why do I say this? Not because I have science on my side (not that I’ve looked), but because it seems perfectly apparent to me. Before I knew what chastity was, I liked the feeling of penis constriction. Before I knew what gay was, I was drawn to some males more strongly than others. Before I looked into BDSM, I knew I responded strongly to images and scenarios involving capture, containment, loss of control, and domination. I also know that I psyched myself out over many of these things or simply disallowed myself to think about them outside of masturbation. But no, I didn’t become kinky at some point in my forties. I finally let myself be kinky.
But I do think we evolve from a relationship standpoint. I think what we want from a partner changes over time. I never thought about openness with Belle because early on my feelings for her were such that I didn’t want anyone else. Saw no point in anyone else. There was no room inside me for anyone else. Now that’s changed. Luckily, we still have a connection and I still want her and need her in my life, but we’re both fundamentally different. We know more about ourselves and each other. We are much more confident in our bond. We have already made all the extra people we’re going to make and they’re well on their way to being self-sufficient. So now, the intensity and perhaps the motivations of how we once felt have changed.
I think we need to allow ourselves as people to change more than we do. To see that in some ways our sexualities are fixed but the way we express them is more fluid. We need to not feel guilt for feeling the way we do if it’s different than “normal” or how we’ve been identifying for years. We will always be left- or right-handed, but we will not always draw with a crayon or write with a fountain pen or paint with a brush.
We are so much more complicated than we allow ourselves to believe and capable of so much more variety and experience than we’re aware. We should embrace that, not bury it. We should revel in it, not feel shame. We should especially not let others make us want to bury who we are or feel shame because of their internalized self-hatred.
15 thoughts on “Turn and face the strange”
“I also know that I psyched myself out over many of these things or simply disallowed myself to think about them outside of masturbation. But no, I didn’t become kinky at some point in my forties. I finally let myself be kinky.”
A thousand times this.
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Snake and I have been kinky for years. But we had the same issues because we thought we were the only ones. We psyched ourselves out and limited our actions because we were convinced that we weren’t “normal.” What a waste of time and energy.
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Amazing post as always… The uncovering kinks..perfecting said!
Still happening for me.
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Thank you for your brilliant words. I am been trying for years to say this “our sexualities are fixed but the way we express them is more fluid” but have never found the words. I am so grateful for your posts. I love reading about your relationships and how they change over time. Thank you also for connecting with Drew. I think it is great how it all meshes so well.
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So elegantly worded.
Classic Thumper brilliance.
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I’ve spent hours this afternoon reading your posts, Drew’s posts, and, well, looking at Tumbler, but these comments have just been the best and the worst. I rarely take issue with anything you say especially in response to a wanker like the guy on Drew’s blog, but while you say he hasn’t changed you, that’s where I think you are wrong. No, he didn’t make you gay or bisexual, but he changed you mentally vi as vi your confidence in your bisexuality, your ability to sustain an open marriage, and likely more. These are all great things, but to the reader we have seen them and I just wanted to make sure you do too. It’s like a colour movie to us at times 🙂
Specifically, and I will cross so comment here, I am in an open relationship too and what Drew writes about this week is something that moved me to tears from memories because this shit is so real and painful, even when you are so okay with that. I’d ask you how you’d feel if Belle was getting action and you’ll likely say you welcomed it, because I did and Drew did, but when it happens, fuck it hurts. I hope those in Drew’s life who are aware of these things realize this and reach out because that part about him asking you and Axel to boost his ego was not like him at all. But, when my wife took her first lover, who I met and sent to her, I had never felt so low, even when I had been with men for years and set this up.
It’s a bloody hell, as we Brits, say, but I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you both address these realisations.
“…he changed you mentally vi as vi your confidence in your bisexuality…”
I really don’t think I’m more or less confident in my sexuality now than I have been in years.
“…your ability to sustain an open marriage…”
I suppose, but until he came along, my marriage was open in theory only.
“I’d ask you how you’d feel if Belle was getting action and you’ll likely say you welcomed it, because I did and Drew did, but when it happens, fuck it hurts.”
I would welcome it, but I honestly don’t think it would hurt me. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be unexpected and perhaps complicated emotions, but I know what I am to Belle and she knows what she is to me. Perhaps I’m being naive, but I don’t think so.
I know for a fact that it wouldn’t make me feel “low.” Her getting a little action on the side would in no way be a reflection on me or my ability to make her happy just as me being with Drew or Frodo or whoever isn’t a result of any shortcomings on Belle’s part.
I have to agree with Thumper on most of this and especially the “hurt”. I can’t tell you I ever hurt, like a loss, or a pain, or even a depression, but the “unexpected and perhaps complicated emotions” are/were what troubled me most because I didn’t understand where the fuck they suddenly came from and I don’t like unknown things, so I likely exacerbated any emotions by trying to understand 100 percent of them with five minutes.
Thanks for the replies, fellows. Thumper I first read it as defensive then just as information, so thank you. I wasn’t saying Drew made you more bisexual, I just meant by being with him you got to see that you could be a practicing bisexual and still have a happy life with Belle. I guess that is all I meant. I always knew I was bi, but until I met my lover, I didn’t know if I could function whilst in both worlds.
If Belle did take a lover, I can guarantee that will spark some emotions you did not know we’re inside you. Who knows, it may be crazy submissive excitement beyond belief or it could be a lonely feeling. I’ve had it happen both ways and I guess that is why I’m feeling for Drew right now because it’s very tough and he seemed to draw the lonely card which was worse as he was confronted/slammed by both his relationships at the same time, so I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong because I’ve been there with one, but never with two.
Drew, I was happy to rea when you said it wasn’t a hurt feeling. You are a good man and this will feel normal soon.
“Thumper I first read it as defensive then just as information, so thank you.”
Nope, not defensive.
I didn’t mean to offend. The Dodgers should have been able to easily sweep the lowly Rockies, as Pittsburgh just did, but they seemed determined to pull defeat from the jaws of victory. Better luck to you and them next week!
No offense. Your other comment was on a different post…