Moody

I admit up front I’m not a fan of the type of blog posts I’m about to write. It’s not that I have a problem with them per se, nor do I think they shouldn’t be written by others, but it must be my mother’s stoic Nebraskan upbringing that makes me wince at the thought of writing one myself. I come from the kind of people who don’t talk about their problems and just suck whatever it is bothering them up.

Even now, having just coughed up that first paragraph, I can feel a weight come down on me and an overriding urge to click into another tab to find a distraction so I can stop doing this. I can say (and show) a lot about myself, but some things are more of a challenge than others.

I’ve mentioned before my issues with anxiety. I think I have problems of a larger significance than just that. I think I’m also depressed. But it doesn’t feel like what I think depression is. My image of depression is sad but I don’t always feel sad. When it’s bad, I don’t feel much at all. Or the anxiety shows up and I feel freaked the fuck out. Freaked out about what? Anything. Everything. Usually it’s something I have to do which, when looked at from outside, would appear to be a minor thing. A thing that will take me three minutes to accomplish. But it looms over me and I avoid it and the longer that goes on the more freaked out about it I am.

I found a comic online. It perfectly illustrates (literally) what I feel except it ends on a positive note and I don’t feel positive at all. If anything, this is getting worse. And I can’t keep going on without making some kind of change.

I searched the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website (AASECT for short) for someone to talk to. Not because I think this is a sexual issue. Not because I have any issues whatsoever with my sexuality or how it manifests in my life. If anything, I’m more comfortable about who I am and what I do now than I’ve ever been. But I recall when Belle and I were seeing a therapist during our troubles and the issue of my kinky predilections was raised (not in a bad way or in much specificity, just in passing) and I didn’t get a good vibe from the therapist about it. Not that she was too negative, just that the first thing she thought of when the word “kink” was used was erotic asphyxiation and she seemed otherwise pretty clueless to my kind of sexuality. When I meet this new person, and assuming who I am sexually comes up, I don’t want to have to spend a lot of time fighting a headwind of sex negativity or ignorance. I don’t necessarily expect this guy to have a deep understanding of my specific proclivities, but I also don’t want to have to deal with any sex negative bullshit.

In my previous writing about this, I speculated that the denial might play a part. I don’t think that now. Belle let me come several times in a week recently and nothing changed. Some days are good, some days OK, some really bad. Even though I was, for that short time, on a normal kind of release pattern, I still woke up one night in a near panic about nothing in particular.

Belle’s on a trip at the moment and I can’t even say how long it’s been since she let me stay unlocked while away like this, but I’m out now. I asked to be because I didn’t want to go in. Not for the typical reasons. Not because I want to play with myself or whatever. I have little interest in that. I little interest in being out or locked up but being locked up when I feel like this is way more demoralizing than being unlocked.

So, it’s taken me like a week to write as much as this. Then I ignored it. It’s like sludging uphill in heavy boots through knee-deep mud to push these words out. I’m not quite as morose as I was when I started but I’m not in the clear, either.

Another reason this is hard to write is because I’m preconditioned to think I’m just being whiny and not trying hard enough. Somehow. It’s the development of the weird panicky anxiety issues that have driven me to finally see a professional. They don’t feel normal. I can’t easily rationalize them away.

I am back in the Steelheart, for those who are interested. I didn’t put it back on because I really wanted to but I thought Belle would want me to and I was starting to feel little urges to play with myself. It’s a testament to how ingrained this denial and chastity dynamic is in our relationship that even in the face of these issues I’m having, it remains. Perhaps we won’t put it aside because to do so would mean something was seriously wrong so we keep doing it. But I don’t think so. It’s not superficial. It’s not a thing we’re just doing. It’s more how we are.

I’ve mentioned before about my dent. My current mood has left me feeling bad about that. Like I’m broken or ruined or…I dunno. I am not broken. Everything is still functional. But I’m not the same. And my anxiousness is very happy to attach itself to that. In a different state, I’d have no issue with it at all. I might even embrace it as I did when I wrote the post I linked to at the start of this paragraph. But now it’s all about worry and fear. It’s far worse in my mind than it really is and I know this but I still think it until I feel it again. But I won’t allow myself to be rational about it.

In any event, I know I may be moderating because I don’t feel as negatively about it as often as I have. I can nearly accept my logical arguments and kind of feel the tendrils of what I used to feel about it. But I’m still not there 100%. Not even 50%. I’m even getting things done at work all by myself. It’s a challenge and much harder than it should be and I’m still nervous more than seems healthy, but it’s progress.

So I’m back in the Steelheart. Not because I crave it. More because it’s a kind of security blanket. A reminder of better feelings and thoughts. And because Belle prefers me in it.

39 thoughts on “Moody

  1. I don’t know if this helps but I see your dent in the same way that a wedding ring dents a finger. It shows a long lasting commitment.

  2. Thanks for your brave honesty. But if you think about it rationally, how could you not feel depressed, powerless, without energy and thus anxious considering what you allow yourself to endure? Did you really think you could possibly feel focused, co-creative, powerful, significant, and with a sense of personal worth as you sit around all day with a false sense of importance over your emasculation while your sadistic wife goes out earning your living while you spend your time thinking about your next blog post? Really? And you’re surprised to realize that you’re depressed? Get a grip buddy

    1. Really, Greg? Thumper writes an honest, heartfelt post, one he admitted was hard to write and post for us to read and this is the shit you respond with? You need to get some fucking manners and a whole lot of empathy. Fuck you and your patronizing attitude. Go away.

    2. I was getting ready to respond to this post and then I saw this reply. Greg, I can’t even imagine what a sad and horrible human being you are for responding this way. There are no words for how insensitive and ignorant you are. Just stop. Go find another blog to grace with your opinions.

      Thumper–this is an amazing post. These are real issues that people deal with and your openness is amazing. I know that it was difficult to write and share. Please know that your friends are here for you. Hugs to you, my friend.

      1. This is seriously funny, particularly the sadistic wife spending your income. There’s ‘tell’ if ever there was one.

    3. I’ll just add ..greg, you obviously have not read or can not comprehend previous Thumper posts… You get a grip greg..better still bugger off..

  3. You’ve seen a professional… there’s been progress. Good. Listen to what he/she says. Meds? Take them without fail.

    For years, I was in a holding pattern of on-again-off-again depression (though I didn’t know it). Then it got worse… Way worse. Thank God for modern medicine.

    All the best to you, my friend. Get in touch if you need help.

  4. What a raw post! Thank you for sharing what had to be extremely hard to share! I have GAD and PTSD. Had a panic attack yesterday after arriving home from grocery store of all damn things! They never make sense unfortunately!!

    Oh and Greg – really?! If you don’t have anything nice to say, please just don’t day it! And well don’t follow his blog if you have this big of issue with his lifestyle!

  5. What a raw post! Thank you for sharing what had to be extremely hard to share! I have GAD and PTSD. Had a panic attack yesterday after arriving home from grocery store of all damn things! They never make sense unfortunately!!

    Oh and Greg – really?! If you don’t have anything nice to say, please just don’t say it! And well don’t follow his blog if you have this big of issue with his lifestyle!

  6. I’m glad you chose to share your feelings. We disagree about the appropriateness of posts like this. I think they offer insights that truly help others. In my case, I have been depressed for months now. The cause for me is the combination of financial pressure from being out of work and more significantly the loss of self-confidence that endless rejections for positions has caused. I too would wake up in a panic, generally without understanding why. I’ve had days when all felt loss and at one point I researched painless suicide. Now that I am working again, the sun still hasn’t come out. I have lingering doubts about my ability to stay employed and my general worth.

    Like you, none of this has anything to do with enforced chastity or my relationship with my wife/keyholder. I fully support your idea to find someone to talk with. There is an association of sex-positive therapists out there. I remember in NY using that group to find someone.
    Over the last seven months I spent a lot of time, since I had so much free time, thinking about whether enforced chastity was making things worse. I concluded that it was actually making things better for me. I found comfort in wearing the Jail Bird and in the surrender of my sexuality.

    I think that even in the enlightened millennium, it is still very hard for guys to admit and discuss depression. If more of us share what we are going through, perhaps we can help others. It has been very helpful for me to share my feelings on my blog. It has also helped my wife to understand that my feelings are not related to her at all. She tends to believe any unhappiness I have is her fault. Writing about my feelings has been a big help to let her know that’s just not true.

    1. “We disagree about the appropriateness of posts like this.”

      No, I think they’re appropriate, but I’m constitutionally disinclined to write things like this. It’s the Midwestern stoicism Fever mentioned, perhaps encoded in my DNA. It’s hard for me, but it’s not that I think these kinds of posts have no place. Not at all.

      “I think that even in the enlightened millennium, it is still very hard for guys to admit and discuss depression.”

      Truth. I have a close friend I probably should say something to but can’t get the nerve to bring it up. It’s hard even to talk to Belle about it.

  7. Thumper, thank you for the writing above. It seems you and Drew have both been in a raw mood of late and I hate this for both of you. Please don’t let the assinine post from Greg bother you. That was one of the worst things he could have done in some respects, but it was so bad that maybe it made you laugh.

    As you know, I guess, I am very similar to you in my situation (locked, bisexual, wife in charge) and I have gone through this on the deep end myself. I am lucky that I have a therapist who does get it and, after mentioning you and Drew and referencing that as to what I’d hope to find, I think he’s reading both blogs as an education on chastity and open relationships. I know this because he’s gay and has laughed about the idea of Drew turning you. While we are on the subject, I hope you have both been able to use your relationship as a support mechanism for each other as you have both been so raw. (He hasn’t posted in awhile and the interwebs are worried).

    I digressed but do not beat yourself up. We all have a needy side and a side that sometimes causes anxiety and depression. I all honesty, meds helped me and I take them faithfully, so options exist.

    I say all this to tell you that you likely have no idea how ,any people reading you are pulling for you. Consider this a huge virtual pat on the shoulder.

    Your virtual friend in London,

    Andrew

    (Btw, how is drew?)

    1. It’s probably been hardest on Drew because as my issues got worse it was harder for me to talk to him or stay open to that part of my life. It was not helped that he had his own life drama nearly simultaneously and I wasn’t as available as he probably would have liked. For whatever reason, I tend to run towards Belle as a source of strength excluding all others, including Drew.

      1. “For whatever reason, I tend to run towards Belle as a source of strength excluding all others, including Drew.” – that’s prolly why you married her, you know? All that love and junk. She’s an incredible lady so you’d be foolish not to run that way. Plus, that’s how it’s supposed to work (according to the therapist I live with too).

        Andrew, all good here as well. A crazy few weeks but everyone is emerging relatively unscathed and definitely a bit more wise. Posting on said topic will resume soon on that other blog.

      2. I also don’t wonder if there’s an introvert vs. extrovert thing going on. I don’t tend to spread my feelings out as much as an extrovert might. Dunno.

      3. Nah, I am 100 percent introvert (personally, I am paid to be an extrovert professionally) and I will tell anyone who looks at me everything that’s wrong in my life at that time 🙂

      4. These comments are why I love the two of you, btw.

        Thanks for the response and I think it’s very healthy for you to know you are each there for each other regardless of the spouse being there too. Drew seems tough and able to handle a moody you as do you with a moody Drew.

        Best wishes and goodnight,

  8. As someone going through therapy at the moment for anxiety and depression, please just know you aren’t alone and your feelings are legitimate and valid. Mental illness can be such a bitch in how it strikes, break a bone and there’s no denying you’ve got a broken bone, suffer crippling depression and you’re just being moody.

    It’s hard but don’t let yourself think that way, negative self-talk is a big problem with mental illness and can lead to a downward spiral. It’s so easy to invalidate your own problems, but when you do you just feed those problems, you make them worse by treating them like they don’t exist, by beating yourself up for feeling bad over things your cynical mind would describe as trivial. In reality, you aren’t feeling bad over those trivial things, your illness is being projected onto those trivial problems and situations and making them a big deal.

    The anxiety at being separate from Belle, in hindsight that’s likely anxiety of being separated from your supports, from your rock. People who are anxious or depressed withdraw and isolate (especially with depression) and don’t want to venture forth and meet new people and do new things.

    Definitely talk to someone, therapy can do a ton of good. So can psychiatry, there are a number of anti-depressant medications out there that can help not just with depression but with the feelings of anxiety. Fair warning, therapy isn’t always easy. From personal experience, sometimes it can be a bit of a fight, you dig into issues that you suppress or push down and that can hurt. But it’s worth it to get back to where you want to be, to get control of your life.

    And for what it’s worth, even if you currently hate the “dent”, even if currently you hate having steel locked round your penis, keep it right where it is. If you can, implore Belle to keep her dominant nature over you. Depression tries to rob you of what you love in life, of what you enjoy. From your blogs, chastity and submission and pleasing Belle are huge pluses in your life. Keep doing those things, even if they aren’t enjoyable right now they will be again and hanging onto them can be a valuable asset in pulling yourself out of this and getting back to a healthier state of mind.

  9. Midwestern stoicism. I know it well.

    The biggest obstacle, for me, when writing/talking about my feelings (said with an inwardly cringing groan) is continually overcoming the “suck it up” mentality I’ve been ingrained with since birth. “Never let ’em see you cry” should be my family’s motto. That, or: “Death before emotions!”

    Same thing really. 😉

    Kudos to you for writing this post. Double-dipped chunky chocolate kudos for actually publishing it. I could say something philosophically profound about courage in vulnerability, but the bottom line is, you put something out there other people can relate to – myself included – and, in my experience, Good Things will come of it.

    On a personal note: I have a partner who deals with depression, and it helps me tremendously to gain an understanding of other people’s experiences. The insight is greatly appreciated. Thank you. 🙂

    1. “Double-dipped chunky chocolate kudos for actually publishing it.”

      Ah, another blogger. Because who among us hasn’t written the post, saved it as a draft, and promptly left it there to rot?

  10. Can’t add anything that the commenters above haven’t put better. Particularly that Greg fella, he’s got a smart head in his shoulders.

    You’ve nailed that feeling of inertia that can just pull you to a complete stop.

    Talking is the lube job that will get your gears shifting again.

    Keep strong br’er rabbit.

  11. All I can say is, try to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. You deserve it. I’d tell you to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in the same boat, but I think you’re not very cuddly/warm towards men, maybe, so that might not work 🙂 But do it anyway!

  12. Anxiety sucks. I can attest to this first hand. It feels like you’re going crazy because it screws with you when there doesn’t seem to be reasons for it to be there. Then when the stuff hits the fan and all attention is on some problem that deserves being anxious, there’s nothing. Which all makes me feel like I’m losing it. It also forces me into a “suck it up” mode like others have mentioned.

    What I’ve come to learn is that Anxiety is, in a large part, rewiring our brain’s fight/flight response. It all sounds really great and easy to fix and all that. It’s not, but finding out how to get through it has been really important for me. I’m far, far from perfect. But it’s really important to talk to someone that gets it, and figure out what you can use to get through those waves of intensity. It’s not something to be trifled with. My first big anxiety attack was a day I was pulling into work. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. I didn’t have any idea what was going on, didn’t know what anxiety was. I had no reason to be “stressed” and things collapsed around me mentally.

    For me, it’s come down to understanding of options – things that help – medicines are possible, working through sensations, re-training my brain. Patterns of getting a grip on it started emerging and I slowly started getting the upper hand on dealing with it. It takes some work and understanding it, but it’s not something to ignore. It’s something to deal with, for sure. There is lots of help – a good, strong psychologist helps, a good Dr. that is paying attention. But it’s NEVER about not having help getting through things. It’s important to find some people to talk to about it. People that get it, that can offer ideas rather than just “oh, stop being stressed,” or “you’ll get over it, things are just busy.” I hate that “stressed” thing if you didn’t catch that. It’s not anything to do with that.

    One of the hardest things for me is that I want to do just what someone else mentioned, suck it up. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to write about it, I don’t want to post comments about it. It’s very secluding in nature. It pushes others away so you can try to get a handle on it and deal with it and move on. But that’s really tough. It doesn’t help. I wish I realized then that there are a lot of people that can and want to help share what works for them. Find them.

    Always happy to lend an ear (or ear slit, as the case may be for, you know, a snake).

  13. I have not had the misfortune to have depression for more than a day (the bummed out sad verity) but I tottaly get the suck it up pretend it’s not a problem thing. All of the suggestions offered here are valid and should be explored. You have already taken the most important step, you wrote about it here seeking affirmation and advice. I am not a therapist and it is not related but I am an amateur astrologist. I have found many answers in studying charts in dealing with issues( my own and my kids, friends as well). If you would like me to run your chart email me date, time and city and state that you were born. Sounds silly to you I’m sure but then most of the stuff posted here seams silly to the uninformed or close minded. Hope you find peace.

  14. I think this period of what you might be thinking is depression is actually a part of life in which we constantly go through where we evaluate if we are satisfied or happy, why or why not we think we are; where do we want to go next as an individual, or with our spouses/partners; or with the larger network of friends and our sense of community. With that said, I would not discount the real feelings and anxieties you are experiencing. They are real, but how you might interpret them is key.

    Self examination is always sobering and can be threatening — but I would argue that it can also be exhilarating. We ask ourselves why we do not have the same stamina we once had, or we reflect if there is enough money in the bank for the future; or will some very old mistake or mishap come back to bite.

    Candidly, you may be assessing in some certain way the meaning of your experience in chastity; what have you gained from it and what satisfactions you have experienced. You may be struggling with finding a new paradigm but are reluctant to let go what you have already built up and solidified.

    I personally think that some of the hardest lines in life I had to cross came when I realized for the first time that it was obvious that there were more people younger than myself. Another line I crossed came in a quiet reflection when I accepted that that there were fewer days ahead compared to the number of days behind. I think as we go through life, which I think is different from ageing; we grapple with our sense of self value and purpose. I also think we grapple with a sense that the rules that we were taught to live be and expect to be adhered to; have actually changed in the broader sense and we feel cheated or confused. (For example, I was at the bank today and the young teller called me by my first name, rather than Mr X; when it is clear that I am 30 years older than she is. I admit it irks me, because these are not the manners I was taught, but the world has changed and I have to accept the new paradigm rather than trying to force the old one.)

    I am loathe or discount your concerns, but I would ask that you perhaps look at them as a process of growth and affirming transformation.

    1. There’s nothing affirmingly transformative about waking up in the middle of the night in a panic with a racing heart. Or being unable to do anything productive for fear of having to do it combined with the fear of not doing it. Or spending your time obsessing over all the ways your business could go under requiring you fire all your employees and you having to find yourself a job but who the hell would hire you anyway rather than fall asleep at night. This is not a process of growth. It’s the opposite. It’s diminishment.

      If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll seek out professional help and guidance. But don’t worry. I’ll keep an open mind.

  15. You have a chaste/denial relationship with your wife, a gay lover, and a Nebraskan mother. Not to mention that you live in America where the overwhelming majority of men wouldn’t lock their penis into a steel tube or suck a cock and won’t approve of another man who does. I’m sorry but sexuality is front and center in whatever mental health issues you may be having. Rest assured I’m not judging in any way but let’s keep our eye on the ball. Or balls.

    You need a therapist that has a deep understanding of your proclivities, not just one that’s accepting of them.

  16. I hope you find some path through the crap. It can take more effort than you imagine possible, but the alternatives are worse. Your whole self is under stress, so be good to all of you.

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