Let’s get small

Belle let me out on Christmas Eve morning. I had absolutely no idea it was going to happen. She hadn’t dropped any kind of hint whatsoever. Even more surprising was the orgasm she let me have right after the tube came off. Note, I said tube, not device, because the ring was still on. By the time the cock popped out, it was too fat to get the ring off.

“That’s OK,” she said, “We’ll fix that soon enough.”

The ring is very tight when the tube’s not there to restrict the erections and it made my ball sack plump out like a punching bag. Ironic since she did give it a few whacks, but nothing extensive (alas). She mounted me and slid the overly engorged cock inside the warm wetness. We came shortly afterward at essentially the same moment (which she always likes), though the tight ring made the ejaculation feel restricted and weird. For those playing along at home, that was just about seven weeks since my previous orgasm.

She let me go again this morning, but it was for the sole purpose of making me come. She didn’t even remove her top. I fucked her for maybe 1.3 minutes before spewing so fast that I almost missed it. We had discussed the possibility of putting me through a “hard reset” with regard to orgasm. Perhaps making me come 5-7 times over a week to “flood the zone”, as it were. Then go back to denial. This morning’s quickie might have been step two in the zone flooding procedure. She’s not sure yet.

Anyway, as to why I came so fast. I told Belle today about my last post (which she has not yet read). I told her that the cock felt smaller to me, even though it wasn’t. She immediately got it.

“Well, it is smaller than that hunk of steel you were carrying around down there. Also, I’m sure the feeling of smallness reenforces your submissive tendencies.”

She’s right, on both counts. No, neither of us are saying that guys with smaller dicks are naturally submissive or anything like that. Nor that guys with non-small dicks can’t be submissive. But, I admit, the idea that I have a small dick does put me more in the proper subbie state of mind. Of course, it’s not small. It’s perfectly average. Also, we both know it gives Belle a great deal of pleasure. But the idea. That’s the thing.

So, back to the uber-quick orgasm from earlier. The entire act seemed perfunctory. She essentially said something to the effect of, “Come on, let’s go.” This wasn’t about making love, it was about getting me off as efficiently as possible. In my head, I had a flash of a trusty chastity porn story: This was the one day of the year the lovely wife let her normally chastity-bound husband put his little dick where her boyfriend’s much more substantial member frequently goes. I mean, seriously, I don’t even think it was that well formed in my head, but as soon as the outlines of the concept of the fantasy appeared, it was like a direct circuit snapped into being from the cock to my brain and BAM!, I was coming.

It was later that day when she correctly deduced two of the three reasons I’m feeling small. One, the device feels bigger than what it contains. Two, it plays into my submissive tendencies and I’m projecting smallness onto it. But three was that the guys I’m seeing stream by in the never-ending current of pornographic images I peruse for the Portfolio are all bigger than me. Even the softies are big and plump and heavy-looking. I know, duh, right? It’s porn. They’re going to use the better-than-average-sized guys more often. But, when I’m locked and have been for a while, their cocks become my only frame of reference. I don’t have a proper one (just a big steel tube), so when it makes an infrequent appearance, it seems smaller than normal.

So I say to her, “You know, you could use this to your advantage.” Meaning, she could reenforce my feelings of penile inadequacy to drive me deeper into my subspace. I know she doesn’t think the cock is small. I know it isn’t. I know she loves it and gets off on it and all that. But if we pretended otherwise – if she were to comment on how small it was or how she wished it were bigger – that would have an impact on our dynamic.

It sounds cruel, but it’s just make-believe. Not unlike the other make-believe we use in our relationship all the time. I don’t know if I’ll always get off on the small penis thing. Like I said last time, I’m as surprised as anyone that I’m feeling this way. Now we’ll see if Belle’s willing to use it against me.

You may have noticed a link at the top of the page called Feedback. It’s a new way to share your comments or questions with me, as a few people have already done.

Eric said…

Hey there, Love your blog! You’ve really inspired me to get the same set up. However, I’m wondering if it is possible to use a cable to support the weight of the device. Check this out. Hopefully you won’t have a problem viewing this, as you may need to log in. Do you think this would fit with the integrated lock and PA fixing? Thanks and happy holidays! Eric

The image Eric linked to is of someone’s CB6Ks fitted with a long wire worn around the guy’s waist like a belt. I’m guessing it’s an anti pull-out measure.

To answer your question, Eric, I think the weight of the Steelheart would make a thin steel cable bite into your skin. It would probably work with the Steelheard since it has two alignment posts like the CB6K does, but if you’re wearing a PA fixing like mine, I’m not sure what the extra cable would accomplish. I don’t find the device needs any extra support, though someone wearing a larger cuff ring might, I suppose.

Chaste said…

Thumper, I’m shopping for a strap-on as a stunt dick for servicing Goddess. Where did you get yours? Thanks and Merry Christmas and Happy new Year

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you, too!

I got Mr. Darcy and my harness at Edenfantasys. Good luck!

Long-time reader Pastry Chef said…

Hey Thumper-can’t say I like the new look. I miss the links and the low contrast is just boring. I was wondering-do you find yourself less pulled to blog now that you run a forum? Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays to you, too!

I’m sorry you don’t like the new look, but I do. A lot! I switched three minutes after finding it. I love the minimalism and the Helvetica. I know from previous experience, though, that I can’t make everyone happy. Every new look as turned someone off. Hopefully, you’ll get used to it. In the mean time, I’ve added a links page.

Regarding the forum and posting less, my recent spat of postless days has had more to do with what was happening in my head than on the forum. In fact, I haven’t spent any time at all there for several weeks. Back when I was, though, I wouldn’t say it was making me less interested in posting, but it does burn off some of the finite daily energy I use to write on the blog. On the other hand, it’s also given me things to write about I might not have otherwise. It’s probably a push. As I’m just trying to get back into the swing of things, I suspect I’ll spend more time and energy here than there, though.

Objects are larger than they appear

Yes, we’re still alive over here.

Belle did let me out. I wanted it but at the same time didn’t. In any event, I took the key and removed the device and was free. That was as we went to bed, so I slept and woke several times due to the weird feeling of having a cock that could feel the sheets rub against it.

The next day, my pants felt empty. You get used to sporting a certain kind of package and when it’s gone, you notice. I was free all that day and again the next night. Even so, I didn’t feel the need to take advantage of the situation. There was no urge to. I was still out of touch with my own sex drive.

The next morning, Belle told me she had her period. She didn’t say it, but I knew that meant I should be locked up again. Back when I wasn’t essentially permanently locked, it was a rule that I had to be protected while she was having her period. That morning, before I put the device back on, I finally felt the desire to play with myself. It wasn’t that big of a deal. No toys or anything, but there was a moderate amount of stroking leading me up very, very close to the edge of orgasm. So close, that I found myself with at least a tablespoon of thick ejaculate in my hand. And how did I know that wasn’t an orgasm? Because I swallowed every bit of it. I ran it around in my mouth, so slick over my tongue, and felt it thick in my throat for an hour afterward. And I wanted more. A lot more. So no, I didn’t come. Then the device went back on and there it’s stayed. Belle has the key again and shows no interest in letting me have it back any time soon.

An interesting observation from my morning self-abuse, though. One of the things you’ll read on the web is that chastity devices make your dick smaller. I’ve always felt it was crap. And I still do, but I may know where the idea comes from. While I was stroking myself and feeling the cock get as long and as hard as it could get, it felt smaller to me than I remember it being. Now, I don’t have a big dick to begin with. It’s perfectly average in length and girth, but I could have sworn it had shrunk. I even got the tape measure out to make sure, but it was still exactly the same size as before (about 5.75″ long).

The thing is, as I said above, you get used to swinging a big steel tube between your legs. So much so that, when it’s gone, the contents feel much less imposing by comparison. It may not get longer when I’m excited, but the tube is always fat and stout. It’s easily twice as big around as the engorged cock and, while shorter, it carries a certain gravitas that mere meat cannot attain. Whatever memory I had of what my former cock felt like had been somewhat displaced by the steel tube.

And here’s the next bit of surprising info. When I was sure the cock had gotten smaller, I wasn’t all that concerned about it. As a guy, you’re conditioned to obsess over the size of your member. But, as the kind of guy I’ve become, it doesn’t really matter. The cock simply isn’t a regular player anymore. The only thing I worried about was that it may not be enough to satisfy Belle. But really, the idea that I was being made smaller and less…I don’t know…prominent seemed perfectly normal. To be expected. The cock isn’t that big of a deal anymore, so why shouldn’t it be minimized in every way? I’ve even started to like the idea that a lot of guys are bigger.

Of course, I’m glad it’s not getting smaller. I’m glad it’s exactly as it was before being encased almost all the time. But I’m clearly kinking on the idea of nullification. The idea that my penis should be made superfluous and of minimal importance, figuratively and literally. It’s an odd little cul-de-sac of my sexuality I didn’t expect to find myself in. And I wonder, all those guys who say they’ve lost size due to being in devices, if it’s not all in their heads. If it’s not a combination of wanting it to be that way and, because they’ve lost touch with themselves, thinking it actually is.

So, anyway, the turbulence I wrote about the other day hasn’t entirely left. I have lost touch with myself. With my independent sexuality. I know it must still be in there, but it’s way in the back somewhere. So, without that, I need Belle’s. I need to feel sexual through her. And when I don’t, it feels like something’s been amputated. Something really important. And its loss leaves me aching and depressed. I’m not entirely sure what will become of me. On the one hand, I’m committed to this existence. I’m quite convinced that I don’t need to ever have another orgasm. On the other hand, while I can live without the orgasms, I can’t live without being sexual. It’s more than the old saying that chastity isn’t abstinence. Of course it’s not. But I really feel that a transference is taking place. I have adopted her sexuality almost entirely in the place of mine. If this turns out to be the case and if it’s permanent, I don’t know what will happen. Right now, I can feel parts of me resisting it. But there are other parts of me that want to keep going.

The other night, I was dry humping her leg and, when I would usually say something like, “God, I want to fuck you,” I said, “God, I want to feel you come.” I guess that’s a perfectly natural thing for a guy with no cock and no ability to achieve independent arousal to say. What else is there now except her pleasure and, ultimately, her orgasm?