Day: January 26, 2010

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Questions from a reader II

Part one is here.

You mentioned some time ago that you and Belle Fille were attending couples counselling.  I am not sure if that is still the case, but do/did you discuss your current relationship dynamic with your counsellor? I am not asking what you or your counsellor said – obviously, that is entirely private but I was interested as to whether you raised it at all.

We are no longer in counseling. I can’t say exactly how it happened, but at some point we realized we didn’t need it any more. It was primarily the vehicle we used to get past the infidelity. Once we saw the path through that and had basically put it behind us, we stopped going.

My deviant sexual desires did come up in the last handful of sessions, but it was very early on in our exploration of them and the dynamic between us hadn’t yet come into focus. At that point, she was just starting to beat me and we had already started playing with chastity (I remember wearing it to her office and trying to sit so it wasn’t so obvious), but we never really got into the specifics with her. I remember the first time we mentioned my kinkiness, she immediately went to the extreme conclusions (warning us that breath play can lead to cardiac arrest, etc.). I was put off by her initial reaction, but over time felt more comfortable with her attitude. She wanted to make sure Belle was a willing participant and that we were cognizant of her limits. Other than a vague reference to “power exchange” and masochism, it wasn’t discussed in much detail.

Had our counselor been more “kink-aware”, I think I would have advocated for more sessions. Since she wasn’t and since we had moved on from what had brought us there to begin with, stopping was the right thing for us to do.

This may be another one of those questions/comments that falls in the “way too personal and I’m not even going to consider answering it” categories, in which case please don’t be offended and just ignore it, but I am going to include it anyway.  What was the basis of the relationship with the other woman?  Was it a purely sexual relationship?  Did you get as big a sexual kick out of it as you get out of the submissive relationship you have now?

The other woman (henceforth referred to as TOW) and I had developed a friendship over several years based on our shared interest in a wildlife organization. Since she lives in another part of the country, I’d only see her once or twice a year at group events (conferences and camping trips).

I won’t speak to her motivations in developing a relationship with a married man since I have no idea what they were, but I was driven to her as a result of Belle and I having an essentially sexless marriage. I told TOW from the very moment we started the affair that I was never going to leave Belle. All I needed was sex and the feelings of being desierable and appreciated that come from it (though I couldn’t articulate that part to her at the time). The actual affair went on for a couple of months through phone calls, emails, and text messages while the sex part only happened over a single weekend. And yes, as vanilla sex goes, it was very satisfying. I got what I needed from it.

During that weekend, I felt like I was living in a fantasy world. In retrospect, I’m shocked at how well I had been able to compartmentalize my real world with Belle and the fake world of TOW. In the moment, I felt no guilt or even a realization that I was involved with something that had no future. I was getting what I needed right then and refused to allow myself to think about anything other than the present. However, sitting alone in a different hotel room by the airport waiting to go back to my life, all that I had been missing in my relationship with Belle (a satisfying sex life, honesty, closeness) yawned open before me and threatened to suck everything that I cared for away. I was suddenly and acutely aware of how profoundly fucked up my life had become and it scared the crap out of me since my overriding desire was to stay with Belle and preserve my family.

I had stepped into my fantasy world expecting to be able to keep it separate from the real world, but at that moment (and to my horror) they came crashing into each other. All the guilt that had been accumulating like lava beneath the surface of my actions erupted all at once. I knew that it was just a matter of time before I’d have to expose Belle to what I had done.

Fast forward to the present. Do I regret what I did? I regret the pain. I regret the dishonesty. I do not regret where we are now. I can’t really square this in my mind, but had I not entered into my affair, Belle and I would likely still be living the life we had before which, I understand now, was deeply dissatisfying. Sooner or later, it would have happened. I guess it’s possible that some other force would have made us face up to our relationship’s issues, but I firmly believe that my path was set. Had it not been TOW, it would have been someone or something else. The journey we took back to our marriage has made us much, much closer and allowed me to reveal the things I wanted and needed from our relationship, to both her and myself.

So I said the sex in that hotel room was satisfying and, relatively speaking, it was. However, the sex life I enjoy now is infinitely more satisfying. Our relationship has a depth and texture it never could have had before. I am totally happy and feel light years away from where I was back then. I know it was me and I know I did it, but the thought of doing it now makes me feel like I have memories of someone else’s life.

Belle has always been and always will be my best friend and I have never felt closer to her than I do right now.

Your next question continues down this path, but I feel the need to recharge before I tackle it.

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Questions from a reader

I received a email this morning chock full o’ questions from a reader of the blog. I suspect they picked it up in the middle somewhere and then went back and reread the whole thing, though they don’t actually say that in their email. In any event, they’ve taken the time to ask thirteen (!) questions, some of which have been covered previously in one form or another, but many deal with topics I may not have addressed directly or at all. All of them are thoughtfully written. I plan on answering them over several posts since to do them all justice at once would take a great deal of time and many, many words.

And with that, let’s start!

Are you and Belle Fille concerned about your children either finding out about your current dynamic, or of them sensing that you are a submissive?  Do you find it has affected your relationship with them at all?

I don’t think I “present” as submissive at all. This will come up again in other answers, but I doubt anyone who knows me socially would peg me as a sexual submissive (double entendre and all). I say that because I don’t think either of our children, at ages 7 and 11, would pick up on any signs other than I tend to (but not always) defer to Belle’s wishes around the house and have recently started doing a much larger share of the household tasks than I used to. I’m not one of those subs who demure around their domme or otherwise act subservient and servile. In bed, yes. Around the house and socially, not so much. I’m willful and talk back. An uppity sort of sub.

I have no problem with my kids eventually finding this out about me (well, no more problems than anyone has with regard to their sex lives and how it should or should not be shared with close family). Even though I’ve struggled with certain aspects, I am not ashamed of what I am or what we do or what I like her to do to me. I don’t worry about them thinking less of me as a man or that I’m being less of a role model to my son. Quite the contrary, I’d like to present an acceptable alternative to him with regard to how men are “supposed” to be, especially with regard to how they interact with their mates. I don’t intend to somehow try to make him like me. My goal would be demonstrating to him that he can be exactly who he is without regard to cultural norms or expectations.

All that being said, the one thing I try to keep from them at all costs is the chastity device. They’re simply not prepared to understand or deal with that at this point in their lives (nor, I’m sure, would they ever want to know about it). Also, I’m not sure they’d understand the various implements she uses to hurt me. All the accoutrement of our sex life should remain firmly in the privacy of Belle’s bedroom/my pants.

With regard to affecting my relationship with them, I find myself being somewhat more deferential to my daughter (or, at least being more aware of it). I don’t know what to make of this. It could just as well be the well-documented way daddies are easily manipulated by their little girls. I also find that when I’ve been denied for a longish period of time and haven’t had access to Belle that I’m much more abrupt and have less patience with them (and the world in general). I start to resent their presence around us as I want to have Belle all to myself. This is totally unfair and unacceptable, of course, and I try to temper myself with reason when I see myself being that way, but it happens just the same. I feel as though the denial and dependency on her sets up a very primally competitive attitude. Since they’re around us more than anyone else, it attaches to them fairly easily.

Do you feel that you have changed in your other relationships such as with your friends, family and workmates?  You seem to be so focused on your sexuality and on Belle Fille, that I wonder if other relationships have altered?

Yes, I have greatly curtailed my involvement in certain extracurricular activities over the past year. There are many reasons for this, but the primary one is that I’m far more interested in what’s happening in my relationship and sex life than I am in other things that used to take up a lot of my time. In fact, I need that time to properly interact with Belle according to our D/s dynamic. I don’t in any way resent this change. I have enough time to pursue my interests and have maintained those friendships that matter.

My relationships with other family members outside our house have not changed in any appreciable way. Neither have my friendships except that I wish I had more friends I could talk to about my marriage and how it’s changed. When I was having my affair and afterward, there were many people I could have talked to about it, but ironically, now that my marriage is better than ever, I don’t feel comfortable getting into it with anyone because of how it’s been transformed. I guess this blog is an outlet for my need to share and verbally process everything. I guess these questions of yours are, too.

Two down, eleven to go!