Questions from a reader II
Part one is here.
You mentioned some time ago that you and Belle Fille were attending couples counselling. I am not sure if that is still the case, but do/did you discuss your current relationship dynamic with your counsellor? I am not asking what you or your counsellor said – obviously, that is entirely private but I was interested as to whether you raised it at all.
We are no longer in counseling. I can’t say exactly how it happened, but at some point we realized we didn’t need it any more. It was primarily the vehicle we used to get past the infidelity. Once we saw the path through that and had basically put it behind us, we stopped going.
My deviant sexual desires did come up in the last handful of sessions, but it was very early on in our exploration of them and the dynamic between us hadn’t yet come into focus. At that point, she was just starting to beat me and we had already started playing with chastity (I remember wearing it to her office and trying to sit so it wasn’t so obvious), but we never really got into the specifics with her. I remember the first time we mentioned my kinkiness, she immediately went to the extreme conclusions (warning us that breath play can lead to cardiac arrest, etc.). I was put off by her initial reaction, but over time felt more comfortable with her attitude. She wanted to make sure Belle was a willing participant and that we were cognizant of her limits. Other than a vague reference to “power exchange” and masochism, it wasn’t discussed in much detail.
Had our counselor been more “kink-aware”, I think I would have advocated for more sessions. Since she wasn’t and since we had moved on from what had brought us there to begin with, stopping was the right thing for us to do.
This may be another one of those questions/comments that falls in the “way too personal and I’m not even going to consider answering it” categories, in which case please don’t be offended and just ignore it, but I am going to include it anyway. What was the basis of the relationship with the other woman? Was it a purely sexual relationship? Did you get as big a sexual kick out of it as you get out of the submissive relationship you have now?
The other woman (henceforth referred to as TOW) and I had developed a friendship over several years based on our shared interest in a wildlife organization. Since she lives in another part of the country, I’d only see her once or twice a year at group events (conferences and camping trips).
I won’t speak to her motivations in developing a relationship with a married man since I have no idea what they were, but I was driven to her as a result of Belle and I having an essentially sexless marriage. I told TOW from the very moment we started the affair that I was never going to leave Belle. All I needed was sex and the feelings of being desierable and appreciated that come from it (though I couldn’t articulate that part to her at the time). The actual affair went on for a couple of months through phone calls, emails, and text messages while the sex part only happened over a single weekend. And yes, as vanilla sex goes, it was very satisfying. I got what I needed from it.
During that weekend, I felt like I was living in a fantasy world. In retrospect, I’m shocked at how well I had been able to compartmentalize my real world with Belle and the fake world of TOW. In the moment, I felt no guilt or even a realization that I was involved with something that had no future. I was getting what I needed right then and refused to allow myself to think about anything other than the present. However, sitting alone in a different hotel room by the airport waiting to go back to my life, all that I had been missing in my relationship with Belle (a satisfying sex life, honesty, closeness) yawned open before me and threatened to suck everything that I cared for away. I was suddenly and acutely aware of how profoundly fucked up my life had become and it scared the crap out of me since my overriding desire was to stay with Belle and preserve my family.
I had stepped into my fantasy world expecting to be able to keep it separate from the real world, but at that moment (and to my horror) they came crashing into each other. All the guilt that had been accumulating like lava beneath the surface of my actions erupted all at once. I knew that it was just a matter of time before I’d have to expose Belle to what I had done.
Fast forward to the present. Do I regret what I did? I regret the pain. I regret the dishonesty. I do not regret where we are now. I can’t really square this in my mind, but had I not entered into my affair, Belle and I would likely still be living the life we had before which, I understand now, was deeply dissatisfying. Sooner or later, it would have happened. I guess it’s possible that some other force would have made us face up to our relationship’s issues, but I firmly believe that my path was set. Had it not been TOW, it would have been someone or something else. The journey we took back to our marriage has made us much, much closer and allowed me to reveal the things I wanted and needed from our relationship, to both her and myself.
So I said the sex in that hotel room was satisfying and, relatively speaking, it was. However, the sex life I enjoy now is infinitely more satisfying. Our relationship has a depth and texture it never could have had before. I am totally happy and feel light years away from where I was back then. I know it was me and I know I did it, but the thought of doing it now makes me feel like I have memories of someone else’s life.
Belle has always been and always will be my best friend and I have never felt closer to her than I do right now.
Your next question continues down this path, but I feel the need to recharge before I tackle it.