Reruns

I occasionally go back and reread some of my own posts. Two things happen when I do that:

  1. I realize I tend to repeat and even contradict myself.
  2. I cheer myself up.

 
Case in point where I do both simultaneously: Back in September, I wrote a post called “Feeling Good” where I said:

Regardless of hearing how she was enjoying her control over that which made me a male, I told her that I was feeling oddly unmotivated right at that moment. In the few times I’ve been denied this long, I’ve noticed that the constant craving of sexual contact eventually subsides, at least for short periods. It will come back at a moment’s notice, but when combined with the chastity device, I felt an almost eunuch-like vibe descend on me.  I should have been hoping for some kind of sex and getting all frothy, but instead I was very content just holding her and burrowing my face into her, enjoying this period where everything seems to be clicking. If she had told me that she was ready for sleep, right at that moment, I would have been absolutely fine with it. It felt as though a part of me had really come to terms with the arrangement. No orgasms in three weeks, no contact with the cock for the majority of the past two weeks, hardly any sexual contact at all over a week and a half – I felt very non-sexual.

I’ve read about guys who, after having been denied for very long times, will eventually lose their sex drive all together. I think last night I was feeling a taste of that. It didn’t feel like a bad thing, though. I wasn’t upset or angry or anything. I was happy. I can’t say I would have felt that way over the long haul or what those feelings would have meant to my mental health, but right then, I honestly had no motivation to be anything other than her affectionate little rabbit.

Sound familiar? Pretty much the same vibe I’ve been feeling recently actually seems to have started two months ago. But, unlike recently, I was feeling pretty good about it (hence the title). I wish I understood better how the exact same emotions can, in one case, leave me a happy little sub and, in another case, cause me to spiral round the psychic bowl.

I don’t know. It’s complicated, right? Like a little machine made of brass rings, emotional and hormonal and more, constantly turning so that all the tiny variables of life can’t interact on it in exactly the same way more than once. I am evolving. I should make a list of posts like this one for those times when I find it difficult because there are moments of lucidity where all the rotating segments line up and I can see, right in front of me, satisfaction. Then they turn again and I’m left to coast until the next alignment.

Why do I find this so hard? There are a metric shit ton of guysub blogs out there and a very tiny number of those guys (at least, according to my limited census) ever seem to enter into periods of funk and doubt. There are notable exceptions, but so many of them seem to chug right along, never looking back, never really thinking about where they are. Belle accuses me of thinking too much. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should stop trying to figure out the mechanics behind the constant rotation and just accept things as they happen. The difference between trying to stop the wave as it crashes into me so I can analyzing it, interrogate it, catalog its every atom or just letting it crash and wash over, savoring the sensation.

Either way, I’m pretty sure at this point I’ve already written about it, both loved it and loathed it with anticipation and dread.

In rereading this, I feel I can’t leave the impression that I’m still funky. I’m not. I miss my Belle terribly and crave her return. I miss her body next to mine as we sleep, I miss the sounds of her moving through the house, I miss making her coffee. I want to be and do exactly what she wants and I know that will satisfy me. Whatever alignment caused me to slip into my foul mood has moved on. I can feel it. Now all I need is her, with me.

Also, I want to bring special attention to Elle’s most recent HNT. Just awesome. Maybe her best yet. (And don’t forget to click through to the second image).

8 thoughts on “Reruns

  1. Thumper,

    That old post is spot on. There can be enormous fulfillment and contentment in just being together. It is too bad Belle is away. You need that intimacy at the moment, but it is hard to find when your loved one is half a world away…… But pointing that out that isn’t my reason for commenting today.

    You are in tough circumstances, Thumper.

    Your sexual tension is at an ebb. You can’t enjoy the sweet intimacy of just being with Belle because she isn’t around at the moment. And just when you need it the most both of your chastity devices are letting you down.

    We all react to our surroundings depending upon how we perceive them, and that perception is always effected by hidden bits of our subconscious. Right now the “lizard” (to use your terminology) is probably seeing an opportunity to sneak out of his hiding place and take over from the bunny for a bit. That would be a bad thing, but the pressure for him to do so is rapidly building. You are facing a triple threat: Belle’s absence, the sexual ebb, and the missing CB.

    Now I’m not saying that anything really awful is about to happen, but there is a growing possibility that you will be severely knocked out of your head space as a sub-male.

    Your chastity device serves as a 24/7 reminder of your relationship with Belle. Whether you want to think this way or not, going without it is opening a door to the lizard. I understand that physically you are unable to wear the device at the moment so I would suggest replacing that symbol with another 24/7 reminder. Have you got a cock ring? Or a discrete collar? Sure, those things won’t be secure like a chastity device but could serve to remind you 24/7 that the lizard is not being invited to come out and play.

    And then go focus on the kids. Try to think of them as Belle’s children. Let them remind you of how much you love her and miss her. Basically try to displace your current need to be affectionate with Belle onto them for her sake. Do it because making them happy will make Belle happy and that is ultimately what will make you happy.

    I’m rooting for you to pull through this difficult time with your mojo intact. You have already seen that the lifestyle can be very rewarding. It would be a shame to “upset the cart” after you have come this far.

    BT

  2. You need that intimacy at the moment, but it is hard to find when your loved one is half a world away…

    She’s back Sunday afternoon, so things’ll be looking up soon.

    Your sexual tension is at an ebb.

    That’s the thing, I feel as though things are getting better. I’m definitely coming out of the hole I was in earlier in the month. I tried to get that across in the second to last paragraph because I felt the tone of the post made it sound like I was still miserable. I’m not.

    You are facing a triple threat: Belle’s absence, the sexual ebb, and the missing CB.

    True, though I think the likelihood that I’ll be having an unauthorized orgasm is low. The only thing I’ll be tempted to do is play with it. I don’t want to come.

    I would suggest replacing that symbol with another 24/7 reminder. Have you got a cock ring?

    I had the very same thought. If I don’t think I can go back in to the old clear CB6K tonight, I’ll minimally put on a ring for pure symbolism.

    And then go focus on the kids. Try to think of them as Belle’s children. Let them remind you of how much you love her and miss her.

    Here’s where you lose me. There’s *no way* I can think of them as “Belle’s children”. I can think of the bed as Belle’s bed and the cock as Belle’s cock, but these are *my* kids, too. There’s really no way I can grok them into our D/s. Simply impossible.

    I’m rooting for you to pull through this difficult time with your mojo intact.

    Like I said, I think I already have pulled through. Cart upsetting is not on the agenda.

  3. I think:

    1) Guys who blog and don’t comment on feeling low from time to time almost certainly don’t want to let the side down, as it were. They want to have a hot blog going as much as possible. They reflect highlights of their chastity, not a point-by-point journal. There are always exceptions of course. Comparing your experiences too closely to theirs is like trying to compare yourself to guys in porn clips.

    2) Sometimes I think you try too hard to over-analyze the moment, instead of enjoy the ride. It’s a common guy thing, and we’re all guilty to one degree or another. But you may not be seeing the forest for the trees. To harken back to an earlier analogy I used, don’t watch the cinematography, watch the movie.

  4. Of course the children are yours, but they are Belle’s too.

    When you look into their faces do you see her beauty?
    When you work or play with them do you see her mannerisms?
    When they laugh or sing do you hear subtle tones of her voice?

    Are they not the essence of Belle….
    And Thumper….
    Together
    Inextricably
    Forever?

    And isn’t that what the Bunny is all about?

    1. Yeah, OK, I see where you’re going with this, but there’s just no way I can mix D/s and parenting. The kids have nothing to do with it and I think it’d be creepy to somehow try to change that.

  5. “…there’s just no way I can mix D/s and parenting. The kids have nothing to do with it and I think it’d be creepy…”

    I fear you have misunderstood me. I agree with you. It would be creepy. More than creepy!

    I’m not suggesting that you bring them into the D/s dynamic but rather for you to just embrace the loving relationship of the family (In a non-creepy, non D/s, very vanilla way) and let them be your emotional focus and connection to Belle while she is away.

    The last thing I would want is to suggest that anyone use their children (or any children) as some sort of crazy prop for their non-traditional adult lifestyle.

    I think we got off on the wrong foot on this one. In my original comment when I said “think of them as Belle’s children” I certainly wasn’t suggesting to do so in the way you think of your bed as “Belle’s bed.” I was intending that they are “of Belle” and could serve to remind you of your happy marriage and lovely family… and here is the single most important key… utterly outside of a sexual context.

    You recall that a couple of days ago you were concerned that the sexual energy in your relationship was at an ebb. That is important to the context of my remark. Sometimes the sex drive is perking along and as you noted it powers “the other stuff.” Other times it is at an ebb and you need another form of motivator. That motivator is found in the satisfaction of knowing that you are happy with your wife and your relationship with her and your family and all that it entails. The satisfaction I am referring to isn’t part of the D/s. It is as plain vanilla as it comes.

    The interesting part, stricly for the adults, is the D/s dynamic makes it easier for a sub-male to embrace it for the joy it is. He is free to allow himself to experience the romance of it in a way that strictly vanilla guys might consider a little too mushy for a manly man. If you haven’t experienced it for yourself yet, just hang on. Sooner or later you will, and it is wonderful when you do.

    OK. Now I have written too much about this… but I don’t want you or Belle or other people to think I am suggesting creepy things. Especially with your children! I’m sorry it got to that. I assure you that you have simply misconstrued my intent.

    I hope this clears things up for everyone. Seriously.

    BT

  6. The interesting part, strictly for the adults, is the D/s dynamic makes it easier for a sub-male to embrace it for the joy it is. He is free to allow himself to experience the romance of it in a way that strictly vanilla guys might consider a little too mushy for a manly man. If you haven’t experienced it for yourself yet, just hang on. Sooner or later you will, and it is wonderful when you do.

    I think I’ve been there! I had an overactive romance gland to begin with, though.

    I hope this clears things up for everyone.

    Very clear.

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