Q for you

Yesterday at Target we got this super cheap back massage thing. It looks like an iMac from back when they were still fruit colored. Anyway, I mention it only because I used it on Belle’s back last night and it made me wonder how many people buy these cheap things and then use them in “off-label” ways, if you know what I mean.

After Belle’s massage, she was pretty loose and sleepy. I knew it and so did she. That didn’t stop her from attempting a little Thumper-centric action, though. It was really very thoughtful, but I’m a pretty good read of her condition and knew she didn’t have in her the energy I was going to need. She brought out the little chrome clothespins and stuck them on my nipples. They hurt. And not really in a very good way. My hands were clenched and my arms were drawn up over me (and my nipples were hurting) as she proceded to slap my nuts around. At another time, in another context, all this would have been good, but it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t feeling it. I wanted attention. Something strategic, not tactical. It was like, “OK, I’m going to clip your nips and then knock your nuts around a little because I know you like that but then I’m going to sleep.” Sometimes a boy wants to be romanced a little before he’s slapped around.

She could tell it wasn’t going well (which was it, the balled up fists or the crossed arms?) and we had a small talk. She immediately felt vulnerable and inadequate while I tried to be supportive through my disappointment. The issues we were having (the ones always bopping along just under the surface) are multifold.

  • First, my sex – that is, sex for me from her – is complicated. It requires thought. It requires effort. It’s not something you can just roll over and do unless you’re practiced. There are props involved much of the time. If you’re sleepy and don’t really want to move much, you shouldn’t think you’re going to have meaningful sex with me. She was too tired last night (and most nights) to expend the resources necessary to really get me off. Plus, she’s not a real fan of stuff in the bed while I’m fairly dependent on it.
  • Two, since she doesn’t ultimately understand why I get off by being bound and hurt, she has a hard time finding the right motivation from which to act. She just can’t grok my POV. Everything she does is kind of trial and error. A good example is how, when she flogs me, she’ll sometimes go right into hitting me really hard. That’s no good because I like to get a bit of a buzz going before she moves in with the heavy stuff. But how would she know unless I told her (which I have)?
  • Three, she doesn’t have support. She has no friends with which to talk and she doesn’t read any of the books or view any of the websites. Everything she does she has to figure out for herself. See point number two for the obvious issues with that. I can give her ideas, but it’d be nice to see her riffing on her own. That’s pretty hard when the only reason you’re doing it is because your freaky husband wants you to.

I’m not ragging on her. Not on purpose, anyway. She knows this stuff. We’ve talked about it. She was way more weirded out by everything than I was. But what to do?

I suggested she come here and ask the readers for suggestions. What could she, a relative newbie and essentially vanilla woman, do to her perverted, masochistic, submissive, locked-in-chastity husband that would make him happy and not freak her out? She demurred. I don’t know why, but she’s never shown a lot of interest in writing for the blog. So, I said, what if I do it? What if I ask the question? She as fine with that.

So I did.

15 thoughts on “Q for you

  1. Ouch, I know all the standard answers and over the years have come to the conclusion that there is no simple answer.

    From all you’ve written it does seem that Belle is overall doing a great job. However one of the problems with kink is that most of us have fantasies that can never be fully realised. That isn’t necessarily bad, after all it’s about the journey more than the destination (my opinion, well all of this is, and may be totally wrong – standard disclaimers apply) and there are setbacks on every journey. It’s usually far better to attempt the journey than to live a life of regret.

    Scenes and sex that don’t work happen. I suspect most people, vanilla and kinky, have woken up some mornings wishing they had just rolled over and fell asleep the night before.

    I think that the mindset that works best is one of that didn’t work but thank you for giving it a go rather than thank you for giving it a go but that didn’t work.

    Ultimately Belle is working on this, as are you, and you are doing it together. That is far more important than outside advice, books, ideas from others, or the like. Also far safer and more likely to succeed. I suspect well meaning outside advice has done far more harm to relationships over the years than good. That and comparing one’s relationship to what one sees of other people, especially on the internet.

    As for understanding your POV. Well I don’t truly understand why I get off on the things I get off on. Sure I have theories and ideas that I could set out and even reference with a huge wad of psychological and neuroscience literature. I know what I get off on but doubt if I’ll ever understand it.

    Anyway, none of this is answering your actual question, is it?

    “What could she, a relative newbie and essentially vanilla woman, do to her perverted, masochistic, submissive, locked-in-chastity husband that would make him happy and not freak her out?”

    Really Thumper, that’s barely one step up from the mailing list postings of “Mistress has told me to post seeking suggestions as to how this slave should be punished for …”.

    I am so so tempted to answer that.

    Michael

    P.S. You’ve hit one of my hot buttons, but you can probably tell that.

    1. Really Thumper, that’s barely one step up from the mailing list postings of “Mistress has told me to post seeking suggestions as to how this slave should be punished for …”.

      You’re right. But what’s wrong with that? This blog is many things, but it’s also a resource. God knows over the past 20 months or so I’ve regurgitated my inner thoughts, relationship problems, and small how-to questions here and received feedback (usually good, not always). So why not use that resource now? Why not ask those people with more experience or at least similar experience what their take is on our problem (which I assume is fairly common).

      I guess I don’t see what the issue is or why it would be one of your hot buttons. Are we not allowed to ask for advice?

  2. Actually the answer is as simple as this which you already know…If you are not aroused it does not work. The reason why chastity works is because for the most part you are heaps more able to be aroused than when you can get yourself off whenever you want. More importantly though you know intuitively if Belle is doing something because she wants to or for you, and if your radar says its for you, your arousal can’t start.
    Belle needs to start with a bit of a tease….show you a bit of her sex…not even much…a simple finger in her snatch and make you sniff and then suck it, and tell you that’s as close as your going to get tonight because I intend to bla bla ….a simple intentional bend over and touch toes and look at you evil like…..,..THEN say…. it would please me to punish your balls tonight. As long as the level of arousal exceeds the pain threshold, your good to ramp up, if the pain surpasses the arousal you go pop.
    As you practise you get practised at tolerating more pain, but what you are actually doing is training yourself to be able to be more greatly aroused and hence tolerate more pain….such an addictive thing pain…pushing the arousal ahead of it to avoid popping.
    The bit Belle does not fully grasp is the amount of pain you can tolerate and enjoy is intimately connected to how aroused you are, and it takes time to build.
    No wonder I masturbate so much when I am hung over…lol

    Alas this does not address the issue of bothering or wanting too, which is the real key to why this failed….In many respects you are fortunate that Belle will give you the time that she does…..but what you really want when you want attention is want her to want to do it. And getting Bell to want to do it and hence please her is at the core of everything you do. How can you please her if its not something she wants?
    I think it might surprise some women just how in tune some men can be to their loved one, You knew she was not into it and tired, knowing this you could not get aroused….which meant you popped with the first crimp of the nipple.

    If you solve the issue of wanting to then I would pay good money to know :P.

  3. Firstly, thank you Thumper. I follow your blog avidly and often share your insights with my husband who I have recently begun locking up in a chrome birdcage (which incidentely I have discovered he can pull out of – time for the Steelheart I think).

    We are learning so much about ourselves and overall I prefer him locked up. However it is not without it’s gliches.

    As a fledgling femdom and essentially vanilla woman, I have to constantly remind myself that the power of balance has switched and now lies with me and that our sex life now revolves around what I want, when and how i want it. I have to consciously and deliberately remember to ask myself “what do I want’? Instead of ‘what does my husband want’?

    This is a far cry from my conditioning about pleasing my husband, being a ‘good girl’ and keeping my sexual fantasies firmly in check.

    I am often surprised at the answer and have discovered my own little kinks and agendas. I make sure I go at my own pace and that I don’t censor what comes up, then I take action. I find I am much more creative and that really gets me excited. I don’t worry about whether my husband likes it because if I am hot and horny and wet and show him I am, I can pretty much garantee he will be too. Sometimes the answer to the question is “I want nothing” but I sense that my husband is getting twitchy in his cage. This is the perfect time to tease him a little. He isn’t allowed to sleep naked but I am and I might grind my naked butt up against his cage, reach around and kiss him deeply and tell him that need him to be patient just a little bit longer, then make him sleep downstairs on the sofa. He loves it !

    During 10 years of marriage with 3 children, my husbands sex drive has always been higher than mine and we often argued about his rampant need for sex and my perceived lack of desire for him. Sometimes his sex drive got me in the mood, but more often than not it extinguished mine completely and built resentment.

    I have since learnt that my sex drive is actually quite high when it is left to simmer away by itself without him trying to ‘take’ from me. . I prefer it when my husband is locked because I feel safer and more relaxed. I don’t have to dodge him ‘coming on to me’, navigate his delicate ‘rejection buttons’ or ‘duty fuck’ when I really don’t want to just to keep the peace or fake a headache anymore. I can hug him and kiss him as much as I want without it turning sexual (unless I want it to ) and I can tease, flaunt, parade and generally exercise my femaleness as much as I want, which I wouldn’t be able to do if he wasn’t locked as it would definiately send him mixed signals.

    He is more docile, pliable, sweeter and softer in his cage but still just as sexy. He knows that he no longer has to worry about initiating sex and the possible rejection. Now when he makes me a cup of tea or massages my shoulders or goes that extra mile for me I know he genuinely wants to make me happy and not because he is trying to get me to have sex with him. He just has to be patient and wait for me to come to him which I find I am doing much more often.

    Last week he was perfect and as a result I couldn’t keep my hands off him. We also feel deeply in love with each other again. i took to wearing his key on a chain around my neck which made him feel very loved and cared for and he was very respectful of all my rules and felt a certain pride in carrying them out. It was a week of bliss and I thought we had stumbled upon a formula for saving our marriage.

    This week not so good. He is still caged but not coping with it very well. He is being bolshy, moody, insecure and difficult to manage. As a result I am not giving him as much affection or sexual attention and we ended up having an argument where upon we decided he could take the cage off for two days. I would prefer that he keep it on but his submission is a gift and I cannot force him. I asked him to put the cage back on when he has softened and to give me back the key. He is in a power struggle with me.

    I wonder how you manage marital conflict and how that affects the cage wearer and keyholder. It almost seems impossible to wear the cage or hold the key when there is bad feeling between us. I don’t know whether you have covered this in your earlier blogs but if not I’d appreciate your take on this.

    And Belle remember ..who cares that he likes his nipples clamped and balls bashed…if it’s not what you want then don’t do it. Once you have that mindset you’ll probably find that your sadist side comes out naturally in ways that he even he couldn’t imagine!!

    1. That’s a lovely note. Thanks.

      With regard to the Steelheart being a better option security-wise, I actually found it to be *less* secure than a CB6K. It’s only with the addition of the PA ring and internal fixing that it becomes totally secure.

      With regard to the conflict and how it impacts my locked status, we’ve been there. Since chastity is an overlay one places on top of their foundation relationship, it’s practically impossible to stay in the mood for it if the foundation isn’t solid (and it can be temporarily destabilized by an argument). I’ve been in that place where I want the device off more than anything, but invariably I feel *worse* once it’s off. The conversation I related in this post didn’t come close to the kind of disagreement that would lead me to feel that way again, but when we’ve been there recently (infrequently), I just try to ignore the fact that I’m locked up because I know that any desire to be out is fleeting.

      If there was a way to delay unlocking for 24 hours, I’d sign up for it. If I *still* feel the need the next day, then I know it’s for real. Usually, I regret it.

  4. Limbic confusion.

    Limbic confusion is a nice theoretical framework you can hang your pain sluttery from. It helps one understand the Why of it all (even though it’s a totally unproven theory), and, in a much more relevant vein, it helps get a handle on the How.

    Google will reveal all.

    Thanks for baring your… soul… ‘mong other things. You’re doing excellent work here.

  5. You need to give Belle my email address;
    dishevelleddomina@gmail.com

    Next…. oh man, I know I’m going to be poking the bear with this but,
    seriously, you tell the woman you want her to cage your cock, torture your tits, slapp your balls around and then when she gives you exactly what you want you complain that she isn’t doing it RIGHT?
    Top from below much?

    1. I can’t help not liking what she’s doing to me at any given time. Are you suggesting I should just accept everything she does to me without regard to how it makes me feel?

      1. I would never make the suggestion that you accept everything from a partner regardless of how you feel about it. That is not what I think sex of any description should be about. What I am saying is this; I can very much see how from her point of view it could feel exactly like I described it.

        As I read your blog I am neverendingly amazed at how well your wife has adjusted to, and assimilated into her life, this whole very different thing. I know you appreciate it, and adore her for it, you make that very clear.

        There is a careful balance point that needs to be struck in all these relationships, and ignoring your imput is not what I am suggesting. I can only say the next bit if I give voice the sadistic part of my nature.

        Whew, here goes;

        What if, sometimes, it’s not about YOUR kind of sex? What if you have managed to actually awaken the sadist in your Belle? What if sometimes it’s about you taking what she wants to give you, within safe, sane, and consentual bounds, and you taking it NOT because it is about giving you your kind of sex but because it is about hurting you a little for her own benefit and then rolling over, leaving you like that, and going to sleep in your arms?

        I make no claims to know what goes on in anyone’s mind, I just hope you know that when you let a sadist (genie) out of their lamp, the one thing you should definitely plan on (at least from time to time) is NOT getting your kind of sex, no matter what that might be.

        You want to be locked up? I’d make you earn it.

        I understand what you are saying about escalating slowly to a heavier work-out, and how that works, and there are few women in the world who couldn’t identify with feeling like a little foreplay would be good before being rushed into something your body isn’t quite ready for, but sometimes, that may not be how your sadist wants to dish it out. Then what?

        There has to be an element of mutuality, I agree, but in my poorly-informed and obviously not-too-humble opinion, it seems possible you are simultaneously encouraging and discouraging her. I agree with you that she needs some outside support; it would probably make things a lot easier for her.

        So to clarify, I am suggesting that sometimes accepting what she wants to do to you regardless of your feelings about it would be the more submissive course of action.

    2. And with regard to topping from below, I have been very careful not to tell her exactly what I want, A to Z, 24/7. I don’t *want* to top from below.I find it sucks all the fun out.

      On the other hand, if I don’t tell her what I want, how is she supposed to know?

      1. You make time after the scene to each speak about what worked and didn’t. The discussion should be lead by her.

  6. “On the other hand, if I don’t tell her what I want, how is she supposed to know?”

    Valid point; however, when Belle does what you ask of her and you tell her it’s not working for you…..that is topping from the bottom. DD was right,

    “you tell the woman you want her to cage your cock, torture your tits, slap your balls around and then when she gives you exactly what you want you complain that she isn’t doing it RIGHT?”

    Being the dominant one in the relationship allows her to do what she wants to do with the information given her. She knows what you need, but she gets to decide how, when, and if she gives that need to you.

    And I also agree that you may be discouraging her….unintentionally I’m sure, but nonetheless. Granted I’m not your wife, I’m not Belle, but I am a woman and I know that if you were my man, I would feel discouraged. And confused. And hurt. And inadequate.

    Now you asked for advice. And it has been given to you. You may choose to do with it what you will….but people are only giving you what you asked for out of love and respect for Belle and yourself. We want your marriage to be richer and happier, because you both deserve it.

  7. There’s a book Belle might like to read, it’s called “Confessions of a London Spank Daddy”. He’s a professional and uses cases to explain what he’s doing and why including the endorphin reaction etc. So for Belle it could be quite entertaining.

    The key is for her to feel confident in what she wants and it being Belle-pleasure centric. Whatever that might be, including rolling over and going to sleep!

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