Born to fuck

Belle says to me last night sort of out of the blue, “I’m really glad you’re not polyamorous.” She’s making the correct distinction between having multiple loves versus multiple sex partners.

I’m about halfway through Sex at Dawn and it’s rocking my world. Pretty much everything the popular culture wants us to believe about human relationship is wrong. So much guilt and shame and bullshit piled up in an attempt to hold back how humans evolved to be. Not act. TO BE. It’s a remarkable read and I’m sure I’ll say more about it when I’m done.

But the thing that I keep thinking about is the difference between polyamory and promiscuousness. Humans are designed to be promiscuous, but are they designed to be polyamorous? Belle’s right that I love only her. And I do it deeply. But could I love someone else at the same time? I don’t really know. I suspect that if I did it would have a different texture than the love I feel for Belle. I suspect that multiple loves take on unique qualities based on the unique combination of those involved. I know I can’t feel anything like the love Belle gets from me for a man (as we’ve already discussed in length), but another woman?

I doubt it if only because I’d know how it would make Belle feel. Not that it’s going to happen, of course, but the merest whiff of the potential to hurt her would cause me to immolate any other potential affection dynamic. The term “affection dynamic” is interesting to me as I think about love in the context of what Sex at Dawn says about us as primates. The entire concept of one-on-one exclusive and eternal love might just be part of the big lie that I talked about. When Belle says she’s glad I’m not polyamorous I hear fear that if I was I might leave her. As if love is binary. I will never leave her. I will die with her. Period. But that fear based on the idea that one person is always with another single person is pervasive.

She said again it’s why she’d never want someone of her own on the side. She’d be afraid of developing entangling emotions for them. I would be shocked if she didn’t, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think she should if she wants to. I don’t fear her leaving me. I know what I am to her. Of course, if such a thing were to happen and I needed to find a way to share her, that wouldn’t necessarily be a straightforward process for either of us, but I do not fear it.

I’m just spitballing here. Not making any suggestions or saying anything will happen. But I am trying to process where cultural conditioning ends and real human behavior begins. If anything, Sex at Dawn makes me angry. Angry at the powers and individuals who are invested in and part of the industrial complex of enforcing the dominant paradigm of human relationship in Western culture. Angry at those who are judgemental and rigid and think my business (or yours) is theirs. Angry that we are so fucking hung up on sexuality that we can’t talk about it. Not the average reader of this blog. I’m sure we’re relatively OK talking about it. But all of them. The ones who have been taught that sex and desire are things to fight against. To resist. To minimize.

We are sexual monkeys. We were born to fuck. Perhaps even to love. But we traded that in for what we have now. And that makes me angry.

24 thoughts on “Born to fuck

  1. I feel similar. I am angry at closer female friends who have a biting tone to my answers regarding my amicable divorce situation and relationship. The norm is to be angry, fighting about petty shit and hating who he is while vowing to never be around him again. “Just because we’re divorced doesn’t mean I hate him.” I know I’m wrong in feeling that their petty minds are part of what has made this amicable situation a hard won place but its worth the effort. In my petty mind, I just think, “If you all had a progressive thought about how life really is instead of helping to maintain shitty levels of what is acceptable, I would have had an easier time because amicable divorce would be the fucken norm if people didn’t have their head up their asses. No, it’s easier not to progress. This relates to what you’ve said because I get angry at the fact that their inability to see or appreciate what I see as growth and progress in what marriage can transform into without fault. Their stagnant judgement feels like foul dead weight and I get mad. I catch myself though right away with their dolt mentality.
    The polyamorous approach to love seems attractive to me because I find that there can be others who are truly interesting and loving, accepting and kind – and those traits make me think all kinds of fun thoughts . Past that idealistic thought with no real content, I have no idea if I could handle that. I think that I could come into a relationship and keep my distance but the relationship I would go into would have to be with a woman I could completely relate to and the man would have to be completely in love with her. That would allow me to back away if I started having too many feelings. Again, just a theory but any other dynamic wouldn’t be attractive to me to try. As couple, I would think that you have to have a basic strong bond with someone to move in that direction. I have read posts and there is one that I believe is working but it’s because the two involved are connected first and foremost. Jealousy and fear come but it’s a sign to address something, not put your head in the sand. It seems possible but it would take a strong foundation for sure. One thing he said that struck me as true and that was that love is not finite. It grows. I do believe that and I think he has seen the results in action. His wife too. That book sounds very interesting. Thanks for sharing.

  2. I’m curious about polyamory. They say it takes constant communication – but can be fun. In the gay male world it can work, especially if an older couple takes in/ mentors a younger man who can love them both.

    My husbear has a warm friendship with a hot younger guy who fucks him silly when he’s in town. The out of town element helps with my worry that he will fall for the guy and leave me. It’s just fun. And I recognize that I am as intense as FUCK and that hanging out with a hot, chill, hung younger guy is a nice break. Different partners show us different sides of ourselves – the question is what sort of feelings emerge.

    I agree from my time with women that they are wired for security. Just leaving the bed in the morning to go to work would sometimes make them pout and a little panicky. So Belle needs to be number one, two and three. But maybe someday you’ll have a live in number 4 of whatever gender she would like, and that would enrich your lives somehow.

    Agree about the Disney/ pop culture “normal” family baloney. Pervasive and corrosive and doesn’t match most families.

    1. I agree from my time with women that they are wired for security.

      The thesis of Sex Before Dawn is that they are not wired for security (any more than any person is). In many cultures where the idea of monogamy isn’t enforced, woman have significant amounts of freedom and even empowerment in how they live. The security thing is a construct of how our culture developed after the advent of agriculture and the resulting need to accumulate property and wealth and control the reproductive females. There’s really no way this book isn’t blowing my mind.

      1. I haven’t read that book, but listened to a podcast on the history of marriage and its basis. They said exactly what you mentioned.

      2. Polygamy in the form of “one man several women” works out horrible for the women, not in a theoretical sense but an observed sense.
        I am going to read Sex at Dawn, it sounds interesting. Keep in mind though a few things: Attitudes towards sex and nudity in the US are particularly backwards as far as the developed world is concerned. It’s night-and-day from how I grew up (not in the US). And monogamy, as you say, has a social function. I am not yet on board that this function is solely to “keep down them women”, though I can’t argue that this isn’t exactly what happened for a good long time.

        Oh hey, random aside: I’ve been thinking about your occasional bouts with your commenters. And this youtube video is helpful to understand that. It’s not about you. It’s about the picture people have of you. 20 minutes worth spending I’d say:

  3. A very interesting piece here so thank you.I have not read the book, but are you saying that since you are/were outside your marriage, although with a man -which may not count in this instance – that you think she needs someone else now for balance?Or just because it turns you on? Or is it just for her to just feel someone else as you have?I get that she worries about having feelings, but if all feelings are different “textures” as you say, and do you really think you’d be okay if she did?

    I have worried you’d fall for the guy you are/were having sex with because it seemed like he wanted that control, but your comment above made that seem less likely or that it was passing fad since you were worried about loving another women.I will admit that I read his first post on here and vowed to read no more out of respect for Belle when she said she’d not read it and out of protest that he claimed to be married,so I may be speaking of something already not an issue, so forgive me if I am. The comment earlier today about polyamory being easy or natural for gay men furthered my point.I know you might blast me for that, but I wanted you to know some readers read you for the controlled marriage part too, not the outside ventures.

    Thank you for another interesting post and have a blessed holiday.

    1. I leave it open to her as an option if she wants to take it. It’s up to her. As far as I can tell, I would be OK with her doing it and am as prepared as I can be for whatever way it makes her feel. I have an idea what I’m talking about, but having never actually had my wife fuck another guy, I can’t say for certain exactly what it’d feel like. And yes, the idea does turn me on. I can’t help that. But it’s just one motivation.

      I can’t help why people read me. I will post what I want and they can pick and choose. Hopefully, those who can’t abide the idea of multiple consenting adults finding pleasure and happiness in one another’s company (regardless of gender combinations) will eventually stop reading me altogether.

      1. So, you are okay if she does, are you encouraging? I get that people will pick and choose what they read and that gender combinations might happen but i have to tell you I’m glad you are back to women as that guy seemed to be want to be leading you down a path of polyamory since that’s what the previous commenter agreed that gay men do, even though yours was/is married to a woman too. I can’t see that working.

      2. I’m not “back on women.” I never left women. I’m bisexual in a way that allows me to be physically attracted to both genders more or less equally.

        Drew wasn’t leading me down any paths. This is a new arrangement for us both and we’ve both had to figure out how to make it work. This is not and never can be a polyamorous situation since I am not capable of having that kind of emotional commitment to a man. Sex, yes. Romantic love, no.

        I’m not sure which previous commenter you’re referring to, but I’m not sure polyamory is “what gay men do.” Gay men, even those in marriages, are more likely to also allow a certain openness in their relationships than straight couples, but that doesn’t mean polyamory. Promiscuousness is not polyamory. Multiple sex partners is not multiple partners. Not that I find anything wrong with either of those things, just to clarify their differences.

        And Drew isn’t married to a woman, if that’s what your saying. He’s married to a man. We let them do that now.

      3. So, Thumper, let me get this straight, I should NOT send you flowers to mark the 8th week and 3rd day we first talked and send back the Balloons, one for each day making our next visit? Damn. I thought that’s what you bisexual guys on non polyamorous paths liked. Sorry; no business for you now, maybe next time.

        Whew, you are going to be a cheaper date than I thought.

        Mindy, he and I are still on the path and will be for awhile, although we explore new trail or two as paths always have branches. I sense you want to learn so…

        I know you vowed to “never read my side” again because of that claiming stuff, but that is SO in the past and what is evolving is respectful enough I would let my mother read it (well, not really, but I am trying to say it’s no more of the stuff that you had issue with, so, please, open yourself up and do it. It’s not porn like gay sex (sadly), but it is a glimpse into a MARRIED same sex life full of the same kinds of issues Thumpie and Belle face as far as opening up anything and I think you will find that same first post made my husband not want to read it either – that’s fixed now.

        Finally, as Thumper says, they do let “us” do that now, at least in a majority of states. However, June 26, 2013 the US Supreme Court allowed federal marriage and that’s all we really needed (I live in a state that does not recognize; however also has no income tax, so it didn’t matter to us financially) for enough protection that I no longer have to worry about my mother-in-law moving into half my home should something bad happen because she felt she could. THAT is the side of the “marriage” you are missing so please just educate yourself and feel free to comment on my blog about these things.

        Sorry to jump in with a book, Thumper.

      4. This will be my last post but I have to say that, Drew, I find your joke about romance offensive and don’t buy your argument that you are married. A federal wedding is not a moral one and I hope that you do no further damage.

      5. Mindy, you are a homophobe and an idiot and not the kind of person I would like to know. Do me the favor of never reading my words again. They are not meant for the likes of you.

  4. I don’t get it. I’ve read all the last few months posts and you and a man who claims to be married to a man which is not even legal most places just makes me worry for many reasons one being his need to take you and yours to stay with your wife. Why go there? Is sex worth that?

  5. Which “Sex at Dawn?” I see 2 on Amazon, the first with “why we mate,” etc, the second about prehistoric origins.
    Don’t lose any sleep or waste any energy getting angry with Her Knight. He’s stuck in a little box of “relationships have to be only two people, preferably one man and one woman.” He obviously hasn’t noticed that an increasing number of states have recognized marriages between two members of the same gender, to cite one example. If Belle and Axel are ok, we’re ok, not that we get a vote. Your public conversations are most fascinating; please don’t stop writing!

  6. Before I fell into a loving poly relationship I would have agreed with you. We were born to fuck. It’s easier to see it once you accept the principles in Sex at Dawn, but once you take those principles to a physical level, it’s easy to see how they translate emotionally too. If a parent has two kids, does that mean they love the second any less? What if they have multiple kids?

    1. A part of me feel as though I could do a true ploy relationship, if I were starting from scratch and wasn’t already committed. But I’m not. In any event, I do get your point. I agree with it.

  7. I totally stumbled onto this blog from some random wordpress reader. Great topic! I’ve read Sex at Dawn and very much agree that desire is hardwired in us, we’re sexual creatures by nature. It’s not a question of if we’re attracted to someone else, but when. What we do with that desire makes all the difference in the world. It’s encouraging that people are starting to talk about alternative relationships, open/poly/swinging/whatever. And yet there’s still so much judgement it makes my heart hurt. Which is sad because it’s seems so painfully obvious that there’s no such thing as one size fits all.

  8. I’m still amazed at the sheer chutzpah of strangers telling you your life is “wrong”. Especially as you haven’t asked for advice. They’re fine visiting your life as long as it fits their ideas, but seem to see your posts as some sort of fiction, where you can tweek things as you wish. (if this blog IS fiction, it’s a great job!) (( to the extent that all recollection is fictive, etc., etc.))

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