Follow-up for Kerri


I keep thinking back to the note I replied to yesterday. The one from a reader named Kerri who said, in part, “I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you to share your journey so publicly because I have found a lot of comfort in knowing that my desires aren’t necessarily singular, alone or deviant,” and, “…I don’t want to bare my soul to anyone who is likely to think I am weird…” and “[I] am so terrified of losing my husband, I either need to not feel how I do, or ask him to be what I need.”

Thing is, she never really came out and said what she needed or what her kink was. Did she want to carry a key? Or be locked? Or something else? Top? Bottom? No idea. But really, that doesn’t make a difference and it’s not what I keep thinking about.

So, I’m going to take another pass at her situation, but this time from a higher altitude. She said, “I either need to not feel how I do, or ask him to be what I need.” I can tell you right now, Kerri, you will not be able to stop being and feeling what you are. That bottle may stay stoppered for the rest of your life, but those feelings will never just evaporate no matter how far down you stuff them or how hard you will them to. They’re yours to keep. They are who you are.

No, you don’t necessarily need to act on your feelings/urges/whatever. Not everyone does (and, just between you and me, not everything you think is sexy ends up actually being that in real life). But I’m guessing that since you took the time to write me, they’re pushing at you pretty hard.

The second thing you said — “or ask him to be what I need” — is equally fraught. He may be what you need. That would be like drawing a straight flush, though. More likely, he is what he is and perhaps he can act like what you need him to be or what you both are has enough overlap to work. That’s the best case scenario, in my opinion. It’s also possible he can’t even think of being what you need him to be. That’s a scary prospect, I agree.

I don’t know you, let alone him, but you fear losing him and destroying your marriage and breaking up your family because of the kind of sex you want to have. Only you know him. Is that really likely? Or are you shaming yourself for being who you are? Are you inflicting fear of rejection and loss as a kind of punishment on yourself for being unlike who you think you need to be? I would know from that as I did it. Many times I felt like a complete freak and, even after leveling with Belle on all my various kinks and desires, making our sexual relationship work often felt too hard and I knew inside it was all my fault. Because I was not normal.

What I know now, and what I want you to hear, is there is no normal. There’s different. There’s compatible and incompatible. There are things each of us like and don’t. But nobody on this earth is normal. Not you, not me, not your husband, not the fucking Pope or President of the United States. People act normally (or, what they think is normal), but I think we all have our little kinks and peculiarities. We’re all kinky little fuckers deep down inside. And none of us are to judge what turns someone else’s crank (as long as it’s all consensual and practiced ethically, etc.). Not even ourselves.

So, please please free yourself from that guilt. Of that dread. You deserve to feel as you feel. You deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with you.

I know I’m incredibly lucky. I have a wonderful and supportive partner/friend/wife/keyholder who has made the realization of my sexuality not only possible but also rewarding. And it’s because of her support that I know how empowering it is to feel outside the shell we can make for ourselves when it comes to walling off whatever sexual feelings we have that fall outside the bullshit cultural paradigm. You need to break out of that shell to feel whole. You need to face who you are and give your husband the benefit of the doubt to face it with you.

This advice shit is tricky. Like I said, I know nothing more than what you told me in your note. Your husband may be a dick and maybe you already know he won’t be supportive. In which case, I wonder why anyone would want to live like that. But I’m making the assumption he isn’t. I can’t map out all the moves for you, but I can tell you how great it is not to be living with an important part of you hidden away from someone you love and who loves you.

Sure, do the things I mentioned yesterday. Buy the book, go to FetLife, maybe find a local group of like-minded perverts. But whatever you do, start the conversation with your husband. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but make the commitment and start working towards it now.

And don’t forget: We’re all kinky fuckers, every last one of us, in our own special ways. And it’s great.

7 thoughts on “Follow-up for Kerri

  1. I feel honoured that you replied to me at all, and humbled that you wrote an entire post! So much of what you said has really hit home and I hope you don’t mind that I respond.

    What is my kink? I like to be dominated. Punished. Rewarded. Instructed. I need to relinquish control. I need to not have to think. My head thinks about everything ALL the time. I manage my team at work, I manage my household, I manage my family and extended family. I just want to be able to switch that off, but I can’t. It needs to be forced off.

    Is he what I need? In every other aspect of my life, yes. He is the calm to my crazy. He grounds me. He puts up with my impulsive nature, he motivates me when I’m down, he supports me when I feel lost. He put up all my Christmas decs exactly how I normally do it, because I wasn’t feeling up to it this year. He doesn’t do decorations normally, but he knows how important it is to me.

    Are we compatible? Yes, I believe so.
    Is he likely to leave me? No. You hit the nail on the head, it’s me with the issue. I desperately want to be the “normal” that he is comfortable with and hate wanting something else. I hide things because I don’t want him to know that it’s something inside me. I have started the conversation, he has been very accepting so far and also very open about the fact that he’s not comfortable and it doesn’t feel natural to him. He is willing to try and as such I would like to find some resources to help. I feel like I am treading a really fine line and as he is willing to explore with me, I want to find the right (?gentle, subtle, unthreatening?) way of introducing and explaining to him what I need.

    Thank you, he’s not a dick, and you have made me feel that perhaps I’m not either.

    1. Kerri,

      I have long experience as a “dom”/top. Wat you want is very normal. The biggest issue, based on your comment is that you have wanted it a long time and finally reached the point where you must have it now. I think most of the guys who get into enforced chastity start the same way.

      You are at the boiling point, but your partner isn’t prepared to provide you with safe, constructive control. This takes time and training. If there are leather groups in your area (not so much “munches” which can be good, but most often are filled with cyber d/s people), go to meetings and workshops with your husband.

      You may be able to move things along by designing how your submission will play. Technically, it’s topping from the bottom, but it’s more of a show-and-tell way to teach your partner what you want.

      Try things out; but try them out softly. If discipline is a spanking, he should start with his hand. Similarly, if you want to just follow orders, start with something that won’t hurt your self-image. Maybe start with sex. Have him make you his sexual slave. He can “train” you to do exactly what he wants.

      There are some really good books out there for beginners. Thumper mentioned one in his post. There are three others that have helped me and many other people. There’s “The Topping Book”, “The Bottoming Book”, and “SM 101” by Jay Wiseman. The first two are written by Janet Hardy (nome de plume Cathrine Liszt) and Dossie Easton. Both are great people and very experienced. Janet was a longstanding play partner of mine. She really knows what she is doing. Jay’s book is a safe, reliable guide to play techniques. It can help you both learn the ropes, so to speak.

      When I met Mrs. Lion, she was completely vanilla and had never dreamed of the stuff that I like.She has an open mind and after a few years of gradually learning her craft has turned into a first rate top.

      My advice to you is to be patient and take your time. Your needs are clearly strong, but you are stronger. If you give your husband time to catch up, you have a good chance of getting exactly what you want.

  2. Just my very quick two cents! If you started the conversation and he’s willing to explore… don’t feel like you need to sprint to some finish line. Go ever so slow and explore and do what feels right, pull back if you need to, stop, start over, rewind – whatever you need to do. You’ve married this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him… spend it exploring the amazing things ahead.

    When we started out we constantly felt like we were rushing to try this, that or the next thing. It’s NOT a race… It’s an amazing, fun, adventurous journey… enjoy every second of it.

    Good luck!

  3. If I could, Thumper, I’d stand up & give you a round of applause! This was a great post & I’m glad you came back & shared some more advice for Kerri. I’m sure she’s not the only one who will benefit from your words. Thank you!

  4. Kerri, start slow. Ask for a little tap, tap, tap on your butt while having sex. Watch a video that just happens to have a spanking scene and tell your guy you think that’s hot. Baby steps. Roll it out slowly, and most of all, not like it’s a disease, but a feature. You’re everything you are, plus like to have fun and roll play a little. You’re a jackpot.

    Best of luck.

  5. I would also like to thank you for sharing your experiences. I have always had certain desires and while I have never worried about my being “normal”, I have worried about being compatible with someone else. It turns out I am very toppy (if that can even be considered a word). I have a strong aversion to being confined in any way physically, I hate pain, and don’t care much for being controlled. Yet to some extent I have desired to do each of these to someone else. For a while I could not wrap my head around someone desiring me to do certain things to them, especially a man. Being a female who is commonly thought of as cute and tiny drove me further into thinking that no one would want this kind of person especially when I seemed to drive men away as they realized my will was not as small as my stature and tiny voice. While with great effort I eventually found imagery that matched my desires I had many doubts about anyone desiring to be acted upon. My thoughts ran along the lines that these people must surely be allowing these things to happen to them to make the other party happy. Like how many women are told to and are willing to mold themselves to fit their partners. I thought my desires would just remain fantasy since I could never inflict something on someone that caused such an aversion as I felt. Reading about your desires and experiences helped ease the tension that no man would want these things done to them. It has helped me accept when others are more than willing for my attentions. While I have not yet found a partner and companion I now feel I can accept what others offer without worrying that their needs are not being met if I don’t switch and they can find happiness in what I do.

  6. Just a little update on us (and YES it is us and not me!). We have spent the last few weeks talking, talking, talking, and talking. I bought both the bottoming and the topping books and I think we have both been surprised by them. I feel rather more accepting of myself and hubby seems to have recognised a bit more of who I am, what I want and how he fits in to that idea. I think he feels that he can give me what I want without losing a part of himself. His instinct is to protect me and care for me, and I think he felt that what I was asking was for him to deny those instincts. I think (hope!) that he is starting to realise that what I am asking is an even deeper version of what he already does, just not in a particularly conventional sense.
    We have decided to go on and give it a try. Starting off very slowly. I don’t want to “top from the bottom”, but I do think that at least to start of with, we will need that kind of openness. So we have discussed some ideas and what I would want or need and why (perhaps the most important part?). We have also agreed to talk about each day on the following day; what worked, what didn’t, what didn’t feel the way we hoped, what we felt that we didn’t expect, etc.
    I have been able to put into words, the feelings that I’ve never really been able to express before now. And HE has suggested to ME, that we buy the book “when someone you love is kinky”!!!
    I feel so lucky to be married to him.
    I am so grateful for all of your input. Everyone who has posted here has helped in some way. Thank you xx

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