Correlation vs. causality

This morning, the stupid penis refused to work again. This happened a few weeks ago, too. Just like then, I was really ready to go beforehand. Due to Belle being sick since last year (literally), we haven’t had sex in like two weeks and maybe that’s no big deal for guys who can take matters into their own hands, but it’s a real problem for those of us who can’t. It led me to feeling very irritable and grumpy and all-around not nice. But I digress.

We started with the kissing and petting and then her clothes came off and I felt her snatch for the first time this year (OK, I’ll stop) and the familiar THUMP in my chest when my finger parts her lips and finds the delicious hot wetness. I know for a fact I had a hard-on at that point. Then I got her off and she came really well and I pressed myself against her as she writhed from the intensity of it. Again, hard enough to fuck. As her basking began, though, things started to peter out. That’s not without precedent as I’ve been trained to see her coming as an end to sex, but I started to freak out just the same. The idea of not being able to keep it up (more of a fear, really) is, itself, not unlike a baggie full of ice on one’s junk. It’s a self-perpetuating condition.

Belle asked me if I thought it had to do with Drew. He was here this week and, last time I failed to pressurize, he had been here just before, too. I suppose it’s possible the reluctant hard-on is a symptom of adjusting from one kind of sexual experience into another. It’s been a really (really) long time since I was swapping back and forth between boys and girls in the same week. If, in fact, there is a connection, it’s subconscious. It’s not that I don’t want to be having sex or am fixated on something not right in front of me. But I can’t really say. Is it just a correlation or is there causality?

Thinking back on it, the last time I can recall this happening was right after I had the affair and before I told Belle about it. It also happened with The Other Woman (which, I’ll tell you right now, is not the best way to maximize your extramarital action). I suppose there may be a part of my brain that has difficulty transferring control of the hydraulics or something. This time around, I feel no guilt. Only gratitude. So it’s a mystery.

Unlike the last failure to initiate, we didn’t stop until I was able to chill out and get it up. Usually, if she tells me about how long I’ll be denied or locked up or whatever, that’ll get me hard (even when in a device) so I asked about that.

“How much longer do you think it’ll be until I get to come?”

“I was thinking about letting you do it this morning.”

Oh. Go on…

“Why today?” I asked. Not that there has to be a reason. I suppose any day is the same as any other.

“I don’t know. Maybe as a way to mark what’s mine.” As in, a way to reassert her control following Drew’s visit.

The night before, I said to her that I was very grateful to her for sharing me. That that exact phrase popped into my head when we were laying together watching TV earlier in the week and she was playing with the little hairy patch at the base of my back and I was feeling all warm and happy and secure. I’m so happy she shares me.

“I’m not sharing you,” she said, “I’m loaning you out.”

I didn’t see a lot of difference between “sharing” and “loaning,” but she did. If you share something with someone, you are giving some of it to them to have. You and they are equal owners of part of whatever it is. If you are loaning it to them, it’s still yours. You’re only allowing them use of it. No exchange of ownership implied.

“OK,” I said, “Thank you for loaning me out. I do appreciate it.”

So, making me come right after he was here would be a way to drive home who’s in charge. Not only of my orgasm, but of me and my sex. My entire being. Fucking hot, right? Things began to stir.

I knew that if she made me clean my seed from her after I came, that would get me good and hard because, of course, semen prior to ejacualtion is the sexiest fucking thing but .056 milliseconds after, it’s demon vomit. The idea of eating it prior is remarkably intoxicating. Of forcing me to eat it, whoa boy! Instant hard-on. So I got all up inside her.

Now, I thought I was going to come. I fucked with that goal in mind. It’s a different kind of fucking (not on the outside, but on the inside). And I got really close. Really really. Then I had the thought that she had only said she was going to let me. Not that I could. So I asked.

“No,” she said.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Of course, I didn’t. But did I want to. For real. Ooooooh man, did I want to.

I said to her I could have just gone ahead and done it. That her previous statement on the matter would been sufficient to establish intent on her part. But, of course, it doesn’t work that way and she knows me better. It’s not my orgasm. Not my penis. Not my sex. It’s all hers. Forever and always.

All the best things in my life are directly attributable to her.

25 thoughts on “Correlation vs. causality

  1. A random observation from Axel…I enjoyed this post a great deal, especially the part where she explains that she is loaning you out to Drew, not sharing you. I got a little hard myself reading it as I thought about how much I admire her for setting you straight and how I am looking forward to being able to make Drew understand his place with me. I love the way you appreciate her and, on a side note, appreciate what you are doing for Drew, and by default me, and even us as a couple.

    Have a great Saturday night.

    1. I have to agree with Axel, I really like this post. Not that you had issues getting it up (how the hell does she not start getting freaked out that it’s her? I would/do) but that you had such a loving moment with Belle.

      I also love that she set you straight… it’s funny because I completely understood get difference between sharing and loaning. I could never do either but if I could, I would never share! 🙂

      This post makes my heart happy. ❤

      1. As I tried to make clear in the post, any issues in the hydraulics department were not caused by a lack of interest or distractions or anything I can put a finger on. Drawing the conclusion is natural. Luckily, it’s not an overt cause.

      2. Oh I know it’s NOT and sorry if I made it seem like I thought so and it’s not here either but I have mental problems and I always start to think it’s because of me!

      3. And that’s the impression I REALLY want to snuff out. It’s NOTHING to do with her. Whatever it is, it’s buried in me somewhere.

  2. I liked this post very much. I’m also in chastity and it affects my plumbing, more of a physical than mental/emotional effect, I think. I totally get the difference between sharing and loaning. Sharing involves a choice on your part; loaning doesn’t. Thanks for posting this.

  3. I enjoyed this very much…I loved Belle’s comment re loaning.. I understand lady M comments too…
    I was going to say as women..but I will just talk for myself…I have received lots of comments over the years
    From friends and lovers..”you make me so hard ” hence if they do not get hard …is that me too??

      1. “getting and maintaining erections isn’t as simple as all that.”

        Really? I mean I guess I understand maintaining but isn’t getting hard kind of involuntary?

        Miss Dora Lee,

        Exactly, as a woman, it’s drilled into us that we are pretty/sexy/desirable if we turn on a guy ie. get him hard. I’m trying really hard to mentally break that cycle – but I do still love hubby’s attempted boner in his cage, which I affectionately call “rooty.” Just because the base of his area swells like a tree trunk haha.

      2. Yes, really. By your logic, men are simple brutish creatures. Getting an erection is as simple as showing some guy a picture of boobies. As if there’s no brain involved or emotional element or anything other than stimulus. I’d never think that getting a woman wet would be as simple as rubbing her clit for a few minutes.

        I’ll add that hearing “but this is how it’s supposed to work” in the face of trying to explain it doesn’t only makes everything that much more difficult and stressful. Now, I have to perform with an automatic hard-on or risk damaging her self-esteem or emotional state. The pressure to do so is that much greater. If I don’t get it up it’s some kind of obvious commentary on her which, as I’ve tried to say above, is NOT the case.

      3. @Lady M ,

        Really? I mean I guess I understand maintaining but isn’t getting hard kind of involuntary?

        Sure, getting hard is somewhat involuntary. Though physiological stuff – blood pressure, heart rate – is involved, and if that’s out of whack, it can prevent getting – or maintaining – a hardon.
        Getting wet is mainly involuntary, too.
        And, the brain’s involved, in both cases.

        From my personal experience:

        When I am hung up about something, when I don’t think I deserve an erection, or pleasure, I don’t get as hard (or in some cases, I only get sorta semi-floppy), and I can’t maintain the erection. This has happened when I upset Bear somehow – usually by being impatient and giving him lip – and we later have sex and I don’t feel like I deserve the attention, quite yet.
        Same thing when I am upset with Bear for some reason.
        That’s why I say the brain’s involved: Some people can grudge-fuck without any problem, in fact it may increase their arousal. In my case, any kind of disharmony is an instant turn-off. Considerably worse so when I am the one who upset Bear rather than the other way around.

        When Bear tells me I am not to come, things shift gear. I couldn’t avoid an orgasm voluntarily if he keeps stimulating me, but it takes longer. Conversely, when he tells me I am allowed to come, it takes a few moments of going into “oh okay, fucking yes Sir!” mode and ramping towards orgasm.

      4. I guess I never really thought that in depth about a guys hard on and how complex it was. Thanks for explaining that you boys aren’t just the “simple brutish creatures” I made it seem like you were. 🙂

        Btw, I do realize it’s partly a mental thing, it just never seems like guys have to think that much about being horny haha.

      5. Perhaps I ought to shut up then before people think I’m sexist because I’m certainly not.

      6. You can say something that is without being it. For example, I could say women are overly complicated, knotted up with emotional baggage, and impenetrably convoluted when it comes to getting them interested in sex. There are a lot of men who would be nodding their heads enthusiastically at that even though they might also consider themselves supportive of women in general. But it’s still a sexist reduction of a woman’s sexuality. Just like saying “guys never have to think about being horny.” Sometimes, that’s true. Sometimes, it’s not. I don’t like being reduced like that.

        Like Schnoff said, there’s all kinds of stuff we are thinking about during sex and 87 out of a 100 of them will lead to a hard-on but it’s not guaranteed. And even when we are really into the sex and the person, we won’t get hard. We are simpler than woman, I’d say, but we’re not simple. It’s not a switch that’s on or off. That’s all.

    1. I can see how it might sound defensive and that but I feel like I know how you write after reading your thoughts for so long. I would think your other regular readers might know too. 🙂

  4. I just wanted to say that you are in no way coming across that way, at least from a male point of view. I find it funny the comments are mostly from people who have never owned the equipment which has a mind of its own at times.

    I’ve told you I go from my boyfriend to my wife at least once or twice a week and don’t think that’s the issue at all. If you are wired like me, there’s sex and then there’s SEX with my love and things go different places but being aroused by either is easy and just comes with our brain.

    It was good to hear from Axel even though from Drew’s blog I know it wasn’t supposed to be there. I felt proud for all four and hope you leave it.

    Another thanks for your help the other night with our language. It’s working well.


  5. Female chiming in.
    Didn’t read as defensive to me, just enlightening and educational.

    I speak for myself when I say I as a woman have been taught and conditioned yo believe a great amount of stereotypes about male sexuality.

    Keep on fighting the good fight thumper.

  6. The reason I love this blogging place is because of the minds that I’m allowed to view. I have no experience in some of the things you do (except marriage and loving I guess ) and that makes no damn difference because even though you may be questioning yourself, you are articulate. From that alone, I believe you to be a loving, self aware, strong man in a loving and respectful marriage among other good things. I love how you describe the ups and downs of your mind and human nature itself. It’s those universal perspectives that educate me as to how we humans can live differently but all want the same things which in my view is to love and be loved. You show how to do that so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. ( By the way, I think that my opinion counts for at least a dozen of the visciously-ignorant and judgementally-obstructed narrow-minded ones you get. Yes, I make up words and stats as I feel like. )

  7. {Trying to catch up after travel and sickness…}

    The sharing/loaning verbiage was striking to me, in that it tweaked me into some self-analyzation.

    I understand Belle’s point.

    I also understand why your initial response to the terminology would be that they are basically the same thing. Perhaps it is the difference between a D/ point of view and an /s perspective? (That was a rhetorical question, lest anyone get het up.) The two terms read the same way to me because both imply ownership. In my world: When it comes to my husband… Neither loaning nor sharing holds much appeal. He is Mine.


    I ride the poly line. And the idea of anyone else “loaning me out” or “sharing me” gets my hackles up. Because nobody owns me. Not my spouse and not anyone else. My heart and my body are my own.

    Is that contradictory? Perhaps.

    But I can’t do emotionally-uninvolved sex, and I pretty much only do F/m relationships. Add in non-monogamy, and voila! Contradiction is my middle name. (Because, logic. Plus, I have a snatch. 😛 )

    So I am oft an owner, never owned.

    Always a bridesmaid and all that…

    Just thinking aloud. Somebody said something to me recently about how I was just “on loan” to him and it… Bothered me. Your post made me think about that some more. Thanks for that. 🙂

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