Sick makes six

Belle left this morning for Mexico where she’ll be with a friend until late next week. No, not that kind of friend. A female friend.

We had one whole weekend together between the three weeks we didn’t see each other and this trip and she’s still getting over the lingering remnants of her bout with the flu while I was more or less in the midst of mine. Regardless, she let me get her off twice but made no move towards nor comment on the key or my locked state. Especially the second time, that led to incredibly tight and painful erections.

At some point during the previous few weeks or so, I pointed out that in the past she’d let me out of chasity when I was feeling really sick. She just sort of laughed and commented on how that was true but also how much stronger I was now than then. It’s a fact that she just doesn’t think about me being locked all the time and there’s really nothing in her mind that should keep me from being that way, short of the TSA or a doctor visit (and even then, only one that might involve the penis).

Those who think it’s a form of cheating when Belle lets me out to fuck and subsequently leak ejaculate into her (without orgasm) should be pleased to hear I’ve been locked up without any kind of relief for five weeks. Based on schedules, the next opportunity to get out will make it six weeks. I have been in and out of different devices during that time since I have been and will be traveling, but it’s been the Steelheart for the bulk of that period and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of the penis in weeks.

She was gone pretty early for her flight so I woke up alone clutching at and stroking a very full tube. I rarely suffer from blue balls anymore, even when I haven’t been out for a while, but six weeks is going to be some kind of record. I can’t recall being locked up without access to her pussy for that long since I started tracking such things. In any event, I’m really starting to feel it. There’s the regular old enforced chastity and orgasm denial she practices and then there’s this. My balls feel especially swollen and I can tell there’s a built up load inside me craving to get out. A short trip on a big dildo would undoubtedly work a lot of that out.

It’s at times like this that knowing where the key is starts to gnaw at me.

As hard as this is, there’s a part of me that appreciates it. The part that knows this is exactly what I need and want. That this is what’s best for the kind of man I am. That part does get into debates with the part of me that feels guilt about her not getting fucked when I know she likes to feel that, but the trump card the first part plays in those situations is she decides what we do and I go along with it so shut up.

So…I’m going along. Either she didn’t think I was well enough to fuck (not true) or didn’t want to fuck me when I was sick or simply didn’t want to be fucked or not as much as she wanted me to stay locked up while she got off, I can’t say. And it’s not my job to figure it out. I’ll stay locked up for exactly as long as she wants me to be and will be grateful for both being locked up and being let out.

Orgasm extinction

One of the things that I think surprises people who read this blog is that while Belle denies me orgasm, she does like it when I ejaculate inside her. There is a difference and I wrote a post about it early last year. My recent badminton-esque exchange with Schnoff led me to re-read that post and tap out this addendum.

First off, though, it’s interesting to me that Bear and Schnoff define “orgasm” as any expression of seminal fluid. I think of orgasm as the surging explosive release of that fluid and the concomitant flooding of one’s brain with all the loopy orgasm hormones and chemistry (serotonin, oxytocin, prolactin, etc.). It’s a feeling more than a physical action. I can tell when I’ve come because of what happens in my head, not what comes out of the penis. And that was the point of my post (and why it’s called “You know it when you feel it”).

To be clear, Bear and Schnoff (well, mostly Bear) are free to define orgasm however they like. It’s just interesting to me to see how others do their thing. Back during Locktober, I was given some grief for not being locked in the exact same device continuously all month long (I was in a couple devices, though never out longer than the 36 seconds it takes to remove one and replace it with another). Others think Belle allowing me to ejaculate isn’t real denial. My position is, I don’t make the rules she does and if she wants me to put a load in her but also doesn’t want me to come, then I need to figure out how to do it. Luckily, I have. Repeat after me: There is no One True Way™ to do orgasm denial.

Anywho, what I find is that the actual mechanical and hormonal process of orgasm in me has totally changed over the years. And for the past year to year and a half, I might even describe it as totally broken.

Note, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

When we first started the denial dynamic, Belle would allow me to jack off when I wasn’t locked up. I think that experience helped me map out exactly how my orgasm worked. Finding the very moment I started to fall off the plateau of arousal into an unstoppable orgasm. I could get myself to shoot several loads a night without any release of orgasmic chemistry.

And for a long time, I found that if I stopped fucking her at that moment, I’d shoot a little load, and then I’d be able to keep fucking her. Sometimes, for a really long time. Almost indefinitely. As if going up to the point of release and pulling back made the release itself impossible. Some kind of hot-wiring of the refractory period. Those were the days. But then something changed.

First, I became (and remain) a premature ejaculator. If I fuck for three minutes without having to stop, it’s an achievement. Usually, it’s not even that long. Second, even if I “leak” inside her without coming, the penis starts to deflate as if I’ve come. That was the first sign that my natural process has evolved. I couldn’t keep fucking even if I wanted to (and I always wanted to). I’d lose the erection. Immediately.

Last year, Belle let me come five times. Not one of those was how I used to describe orgasm after a period of denial. No explosion, no kick in the back of the head, no intensity. The orgasms I have now are not too dissimilar from the non-orgasmic ejaculations. Some weak spurting along with a shot of the hormones, but no jolt. No BANG. More like an ocean swell than a crashing wave. I feel a less pronounced post-orgasmic experience (sleepiness, etc.). Even the sub-drop that used to be a hallmark of orgasm has diminished substantially. They’ve become non-events that don’t drain me (literally or figuratively). As I recall, this wasn’t just the five from last year. I was also feeling a version of this the year before that.

Basically, the orgasm I literally grew up with is gone. A pale shadow of the real thing.

There was a time when the prospect of losing my ability to have a truly enjoyable, fireworks-filled orgasm would’ve scared the shit out of me. That was both before I was denied orgasms at all and also for several years after we started this dynamic. But once I was being denied, even when I could still come normally, I knew I didn’t really want to. All I wanted was to always feel like I wanted to come. Craving the thing, not having the thing. So now that my ability to come seems to be waning, I don’t feel any particular loss.

I don’t know if this is something all men who are denied for a long time feel or if it’s unique to me. I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I remember very early on someone said to me online that if I got to the point where orgasms weren’t enjoyable that I had done it wrong. The point was to always enjoy and want them. Obviously, I don’t think that’s true. I think denial has made me more of what I already was and am. I feel like living like this is my natural and correct state. In general, I believe men especially put way, way too much emphasis on having orgasms. But, you know. What else do you expect me to say?

I doubt this condition is permanent. If I were able to freely masturbate to completion or even come every time I fucked, I expect things would go back to “normal.” But I don’t really care if they do. How much can I miss something that, on average, only happens every three months anyway? Why should I miss a thing that knocked me out of the headspace in which I so much enjoy living?

Saying my orgasm is “broken” is the wrong adjective. Makes it sound like it was an accident. This wasn’t accidental at all. It was intentional. Maybe even inevitable.

Year-end metrics

Welp, here we are at the start of a new year. That means 2017’s metrics project is in the can. Thousands of hours, a handful of chastity devices, scores of orgasms (for her) and still just the one penis.

December

IMG_0656The final month of the year was all about the Steelheart. Nearly 99% of the time I was locked, I was in the Steelheart. For the remainder of the time, the penis was left staring at the inside of the Holy Trainer v3 (for which I still have a review to write). I was unlocked for less than 1% of the month (.07% to be precise). That’s just a tad bit more than I was unlocked in November, but still hovering right around the 99% locked average Belle’s established (throwing out the oddball September). I’d chalk up the extra hour out in December vs. November to device maintenance. I gave the Steelheart a thorough cleaning and polish just before Christmas that easily could have taken an hour (vinegar soak plus buffing, etc.).

We had a house guest one weekend and no sex for those few days so I was worried Belle’s orgasm count would suffer, but the holiday break helped boost that to a respectable nine. Seven were administered by my and two she took into her own hands. She let me fuck her six times which is well above average but equal to November. Still making up for October, perhaps. I ejaculated each time I was inside her. One time resulted in a full-fledged (and authorized) orgasm because I dunno maybe she was spoiling me.

January is going to be a weird month due to her work travel and mine. I won’t be seeing her except for one mid-week night in the month after this Sunday. However, she’ll be traveling through London at one point, so…who knows what’s going to happen.

2017

IMG_0657So now for the big numbers. All tolled, the penis was secured for 8,578.28 hours out of a total possible of 8,760. That’s 97.9% of the time. Had September been a normal month, that percentage would have gone north of 99%, but it wasn’t. Two-thirds of the time the penis was free happened in September.

The Steelheart was utilized more than any other device and accounted for nearly half the time I was locked up. The Halfshell was second but was still nearly 1,000 hours behind. The remaining 18% of the locked-up time was divided between seven different devices.

Belle had 97 orgasms in 2017. That’s an orgasm ratio of about 19:1 since I was allowed five. I was pretty sure she was going to keep me to four since the rate had been a regular once per quarter but one more slipped in at the start of December.

Screenshot 2018-01-04 15.44.50Sixty-three of Belle’s orgasms came from my fingers. Twenty-five she created all on her own (I don’t track how those were brought about since that’s all about her). Five were the result of me using the vibrator on her clit and two each came from me performing oral on her and her riding the penis. Of course, it’s a crap shoot when it comes to using the penis since my trigger is highly sporadic and typically very short but I’d be very happy to go down on her more if she wanted me to.

She averaged eight orgasms a month with the highest frequency being April with 12 and the lowest being June with just four.

I was allowed inside her 46 times over the course of the year. That’s just under four times a month. Three months tied for the most frequent number with six (May, November, and December) and the least amount being zero in Locktober.

At this point, keeping track of all these things has become something of a habit. I will continue to do so in 2018 and for as long as she lets me.

 

November metrics

IMG_A38ED57DBFF7-1September was weird because I was unlocked so much, October was weird because I was only locked up, November was back to what we call normal around here. I was locked up 99.5% of the time and unlocked just over a half of one percent meaning it rounded up in my tracking app to 1%.

Most of the time, I was in the Steelheart and the rest of the time was split between the Holy Trainer v3(!) and the Halfshell. I was in the HTv2 for like a day for some reason I can’t recall but had something to do with worrying about metal detectors.

Yes, the Holy Trainer v3 has entered the mix here at Thumpermedia Global Headquarters. I am tardy at writing my review for that and hope to get around to it in the next few days.

Belle let me out to fuck her six times in November which is well over the 3.6 times averaged over the previous ten months but I expect she was making up for not getting any penis the previous month. Honestly, I felt sort of spoiled getting so much pussy. Especially since she let me have an orgasm near the beginning of the month. That was my fourth orgasm of the year.

She had eleven orgasms in the month which is the second highest number this year. Two of those she gave herself (one of those when I was present), one was from going down on her, and two happened on the same day (which is a real banner event for her). The rest were the result of prestidigitation.

Belle told me she may let me jack off for Christmas and if anything represents the spirit of Christmas more than allowing one’s husband to abuse himself for the first time in 15 months, I don’t know what it is. Gives a who new meaning to buche de Noël. More like brindille de Noël, perhaps…

September metrics

IMG_6950September was an odd month. The issue I ran into on my camping trip along with time I was left out near the beginning of the month for some sore spots and the issues the Metal Holy Trainer gave me combined for a relatively massive amount of unlocked time. The penis was unguarded for 17% of the month. Seventy percent of the time I’ve been unlocked in 2017 so far happened in September. While none of it was by choice, I still find it personally disappointing that it ended up that way.

The device breakdown saw the Steelheart once again getting the majority of action. The Halfshell, Looker 02, and Metal Holy Trainer divvied up about a third of the locked time.

Belle and I were also apart for three out of the five weekends in September so those numbers are weird, too. She came ten times which makes September the second-highest month for her orgasms, but half of them were at her own hand. One was unique in my tracking in that it involved both the vibrator and my fingers (and, as I recall, was an especially good one). The rest were the result of my prestidigitation.

I was allowed to fuck her just three times, the second-lowest number in a month this year. I only ejaculated twice. I had zero orgasms.

IMG_6966September is also the end of the quarter. The device breakdown shows the penis living in seven different confinements. The Steelheart took up almost half the time in those three moths while the Halfshell got nearly a third. Naturally, my unlocked time was quite high at 6% thanks to September.

Belle came 24 times in the quarter, one time fewer than the previous quarter but four more than in the first quarter. Only one of those was from riding the penis. Eight were self-administered, two were from me using the vibrator on her, and the rest were my fingers. No oral. [sadface]

I was allowed to fuck her 12 times, one of which resulted in an authorized orgasm (though it sucked). Ten included ejaculation. One was “dry.” Naturally, I didn’t jack off once. In fact, I don’t think I’ve done that in more than a year now. Not since…the incident.

August metrics

Wow, I almost forgot to post the August numbers.

IMG_6444August looked liked July…and June…and, really, all the months for the past many months. The penis was outside a device 0.6% of the month. The remaining 99.4% it was locked into the Halfshell (42%), Steelheart (37%) and, for the first time (I believe) since I’ve been tracking, the Mature Metal Jail Bird (20%). It wasn’t at the behest of Belle as we’re still playing along like I get to choose what I wear as long as I’m wearing something. It’s not my favorite device, but the change of pace of seeing the penis behind bars rather than disappeared down a steel tube was fun for a while.

Belle came eight times in the month, once by herself since we were still apart for the first week or so, and once with me driving the vibrator. The other times were from my prestidigitation. I “came” once on the 26th. I put that in quotes since it didn’t actually feel too much like an orgasm. While I was fucking her, Belle told me I could so I didn’t slow down or stop when I felt the urge building and I kept fucking right though the ejaculation but I never felt the kick of hormones and had a very, very mild post-orgasmic experience. The penis didn’t even feel especially sensitive after. It was entirely anti-climatic. Like it built to a 6.8 on the Richter Scale and then died. Since it happens so infrequently (that was number three on the year), the sample size is small and I can’t say if this is some kind of new normal or just a fluke. I have not been given the opportunity to come again since then.

There’s a part of me that thinks it would be kinda hot if my ability to orgasm properly is broken. But I don’t know. I’ve been allowed to fuck her three times since and felt the same build-up but avoided getting closer enough. The true test will be if she lets me go again.

Speaking of fucking her, I was inside her five times in August and ejaculated each time.

September is going to look different than any of the months since last September. I had to stay out of the Steelheart overnight around Labor Day because the penis was irritated by it. Odd as the Steelheart hasn’t done that in some time, but a hot spot popped up on the head and it was painful. I was out for another night after wear-testing a steel knock-off of the Holy Trainer 2. Spoilers: It’s not good. Ripped the penis up good after just a day so I had to come out for another night but was able to wear the Halfshell the next day as it keeps the penis in a fixed position and keeps it from rubbing against the shell. So two of the three nights I’ve slept without being locked up in the past year happened within a week of each other.

Also, I’m going camping this week for seven days (and yes, for those keeping score, this is the same kind of trip that led to last year’s incidents of unauthorized orgasm and the rule that I must always be locked unless Belle explicitly says I can be otherwise). Not sure how that’s going to work out with a device. I start with a healthy ambition but it’s primitive camping among muggles so facilities to keep things clean are nonexistent. Also, I’ll be among men only and I find my ability to maintain the right headspace to be locked pretty much evaporates when I’m not around estrogen. Nothing kills a buzz like a bunch of straight guys. Still puzzling over that one.

Mailbag

A reader named Andrew left this comment to my last post…

I would be interested in hearing how many locked men have found that their locked status helped them achieve some sort of spiritual awaking or satisfaction of wearing a device, and for longer term wearers, do they miss the device when they are not wearing it. Also, I would be curious about a rather existential question if they view their device as something they own selves or something that someone else owns.

I don’t know about spiritual awakening, but I do feel that being locked and denied has put me in something like a new plane of existence, mentally. It’s as if being denied orgasm for so long has led me though a tunnel most men simply never even know exists. And once through it, while the craving and gnawing need to come is never far away, it’s more like a reactor powering this different sense of being than a negative. As if living without orgasm but in need of one is how I was meant to be. And had I not been denied, I’d have never known.

With regard to missing the device, it’s more than that. I resent not being able to wear it for whatever reason. The feeling of not being secured is foreign to me and unsettling and I only truly feel myself when there’s something covering the penis. I feel as though the Steelheart in particular is more me than what it secures and in those increasingly rare moments I see the unprotected penis in the mirror, it’s off-putting. Not all penises, of course. Just that one. It’s natural state is to be shiny and heavy between my legs, not squishy and flopping free.

It’s a thorny question as to who I feel owns the device. Of course, Belle controls my state but, as I said, it looks and feels more like me than what it contains so it’s hard to think of it as someone else’s at the same time. I refer to the devices as Belle’s but she doesn’t seem invested in which I wear at any given moment at this point. The key is almost always in a place I’m aware of, so even that isn’t so mysterious. I think the thing I feel isn’t mine isn’t so much the device or the penis but the sensation I get from the penis when it’s exposed. That’s not mine and it’s not something I should be able to feel without permission. That’s definitely across the line.

Brian said…

Those of us who have experienced durations of chastity, or even just denial, tend to experience a ‘plateau’ of the emotions generated. For me, it’s still an up and down experience, waxing and waning, if you prefer, but waxing and waning at a higher level than when I’m freely orgasming at my leisure. I’m pretty sure you’ve expressed this experience in your blog.

My question is this … You’ve been experiencing this state for longer than I can even imagine. Does that plateau gradually wane overall the further you go, or are your escalated emotions retaining their average elevation. (Lots of height synonyms there; I hope I’ve conveyed this adequately.)

What I’ve been feeling lately is a lengthening of the up and down waves. I don’t feel the dramatic increases like I used to. But also I don’t feel like I’m nearly as constantly horny as I once was. I can’t tell how much of this is simply getting older versus how much of this is being denied orgasm. Has my body adjusted to the hormonal load of not coming or is it just not as loaded as it once was? I don’t really know. I guess the only way to know for sure would be to start coming a lot and then stopping again. But that’s not a thing I have anything to do with.

I can say that the denial stops being so distracting and simply is, but I can’t say how long that takes. A long time. Years, for me. I do still go through periods of being pretty horny, but like I said, they’re not as severe as they once were and don’t seem to last as long.

Allen asked…

I recently came across your blog after someone told me about it on Reddit. In a recent post, you wrote something that captured my attention:

“I mean, I literally can’t fuck for more than two minutes before I’m squirting and then, once I do, the penis starts to shrivel. It may have been a fuck tool once, but it’s not now. It’s barely passable as such.”

I am a member of an odd web community of men who complain about an odd problem that I was wondering if perhaps you share with us. All my life, I have suffered from these “meh” orgasms coupled with premature ejaculation. Your words sound like they may describe a similar problem. Basically, the ejaculation comes too fast, and when it does, I don’t feel much of anything.

I recently took an interest in kink, and chastity play fascinates me. Since chastity play emphasises the part of sex that happens *before* orgasm, I thought that perhaps it might be a way to learn new ways to experience pleasure and express my sexuality. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t up for it right now, so I’m simply doing some cage-less chastity play with her. I think it may be a long time before I can make her comfortable with the idea of a chastity cage on me, but I am very patient.

The thought of making it impossible to masturbate and ejaculate and then be teased by her (or even by pornhub) sounds like it may be delightful.

I was wondering if you might relate to my words. I’m wondering if my experience tells me that I am like you.

When you sent this, I didn’t really, but just this past weekend Belle told me as I was fucking her that she wanted me to come and what happened sounds a lot like what you described. It should have been a kick-in-the-back-of-the-head kind of thing since it’s been months, but it wasn’t. There was no crest. Not crash. Just an increase of sensation and pumping of seed and that’s all. I kept stroking throughout – basically doing everything I’d normally do to come – but no post-orgasmic feelings. In fact, it pretty much felt like it always does after I ejaculate without orgasm.

I wasn’t given a chance to try again later that day or the next nor was I allowed to try and jack one out, so I don’t know if it’s a one time kind of deal or what. But once it happened, I recalled this note.

So normally, I’d say denial should enhance your sensations during orgasm because that’s what I’m used to, but now I don’t know. If that’s where you are now, perhaps not. That said, I do think it’s a great way to change the paradigm in bed away from male orgasm and towards other things. You don’t need a device to do that, just a recognition that successful sex isn’t defined by the guy shooting his load. Nor does it even require a hard penis. There’s so many other ways to enjoy sex but we’re all so focused on this one act. Literally, the money shot. Without it, it’s without value. Bullshit. Maybe your wife is freaked out by the kink aspect. I’d recommend being more circumspect towards that word. Just say you’d like to have sex in ways that focus on her and her orgasm and would like to, at least every other time or so, takes the penis out of the picture. That sounds way less scary that “male chastity” or what have you.

G asked…

I need your help. I am married bi man, have one kid. The problem I face is how to tell my wife I am bi and submissive. The moment I discovered our blog you became a role model, so please help me out.

I think you just build up the nerve and say it. You tell her and be ready to answer questions (like, no, bi isn’t gay) and be willing to make whatever compromises you think you can, but you should not feel as though there’s anything wrong with you for being this way. Ultimately, whether you can be happy in a vanilla straight relationship for the rest of your life (and people are all the time) is a question only you can answer, but my fear is a lot of guys in your position end up being guilted into buying that you’re broken in some way. You aren’t. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.