September metrics

IMG_6950September was an odd month. The issue I ran into on my camping trip along with time I was left out near the beginning of the month for some sore spots and the issues the Metal Holy Trainer gave me combined for a relatively massive amount of unlocked time. The penis was unguarded for 17% of the month. Seventy percent of the time I’ve been unlocked in 2017 so far happened in September. While none of it was by choice, I still find it personally disappointing that it ended up that way.

The device breakdown saw the Steelheart once again getting the majority of action. The Halfshell, Looker 02, and Metal Holy Trainer divvied up about a third of the locked time.

Belle and I were also apart for three out of the five weekends in September so those numbers are weird, too. She came ten times which makes September the second-highest month for her orgasms, but half of them were at her own hand. One was unique in my tracking in that it involved both the vibrator and my fingers (and, as I recall, was an especially good one). The rest were the result of my prestidigitation.

I was allowed to fuck her just three times, the second-lowest number in a month this year. I only ejaculated twice. I had zero orgasms.

IMG_6966September is also the end of the quarter. The device breakdown shows the penis living in seven different confinements. The Steelheart took up almost half the time in those three moths while the Halfshell got nearly a third. Naturally, my unlocked time was quite high at 6% thanks to September.

Belle came 24 times in the quarter, one time fewer than the previous quarter but four more than in the first quarter. Only one of those was from riding the penis. Eight were self-administered, two were from me using the vibrator on her, and the rest were my fingers. No oral. [sadface]

I was allowed to fuck her 12 times, one of which resulted in an authorized orgasm (though it sucked). Ten included ejaculation. One was “dry.” Naturally, I didn’t jack off once. In fact, I don’t think I’ve done that in more than a year now. Not since…the incident.

August metrics

Wow, I almost forgot to post the August numbers.

IMG_6444August looked liked July…and June…and, really, all the months for the past many months. The penis was outside a device 0.6% of the month. The remaining 99.4% it was locked into the Halfshell (42%), Steelheart (37%) and, for the first time (I believe) since I’ve been tracking, the Mature Metal Jail Bird (20%). It wasn’t at the behest of Belle as we’re still playing along like I get to choose what I wear as long as I’m wearing something. It’s not my favorite device, but the change of pace of seeing the penis behind bars rather than disappeared down a steel tube was fun for a while.

Belle came eight times in the month, once by herself since we were still apart for the first week or so, and once with me driving the vibrator. The other times were from my prestidigitation. I “came” once on the 26th. I put that in quotes since it didn’t actually feel too much like an orgasm. While I was fucking her, Belle told me I could so I didn’t slow down or stop when I felt the urge building and I kept fucking right though the ejaculation but I never felt the kick of hormones and had a very, very mild post-orgasmic experience. The penis didn’t even feel especially sensitive after. It was entirely anti-climatic. Like it built to a 6.8 on the Richter Scale and then died. Since it happens so infrequently (that was number three on the year), the sample size is small and I can’t say if this is some kind of new normal or just a fluke. I have not been given the opportunity to come again since then.

There’s a part of me that thinks it would be kinda hot if my ability to orgasm properly is broken. But I don’t know. I’ve been allowed to fuck her three times since and felt the same build-up but avoided getting closer enough. The true test will be if she lets me go again.

Speaking of fucking her, I was inside her five times in August and ejaculated each time.

September is going to look different than any of the months since last September. I had to stay out of the Steelheart overnight around Labor Day because the penis was irritated by it. Odd as the Steelheart hasn’t done that in some time, but a hot spot popped up on the head and it was painful. I was out for another night after wear-testing a steel knock-off of the Holy Trainer 2. Spoilers: It’s not good. Ripped the penis up good after just a day so I had to come out for another night but was able to wear the Halfshell the next day as it keeps the penis in a fixed position and keeps it from rubbing against the shell. So two of the three nights I’ve slept without being locked up in the past year happened within a week of each other.

Also, I’m going camping this week for seven days (and yes, for those keeping score, this is the same kind of trip that led to last year’s incidents of unauthorized orgasm and the rule that I must always be locked unless Belle explicitly says I can be otherwise). Not sure how that’s going to work out with a device. I start with a healthy ambition but it’s primitive camping among muggles so facilities to keep things clean are nonexistent. Also, I’ll be among men only and I find my ability to maintain the right headspace to be locked pretty much evaporates when I’m not around estrogen. Nothing kills a buzz like a bunch of straight guys. Still puzzling over that one.

Mailbag

A reader named Andrew left this comment to my last post…

I would be interested in hearing how many locked men have found that their locked status helped them achieve some sort of spiritual awaking or satisfaction of wearing a device, and for longer term wearers, do they miss the device when they are not wearing it. Also, I would be curious about a rather existential question if they view their device as something they own selves or something that someone else owns.

I don’t know about spiritual awakening, but I do feel that being locked and denied has put me in something like a new plane of existence, mentally. It’s as if being denied orgasm for so long has led me though a tunnel most men simply never even know exists. And once through it, while the craving and gnawing need to come is never far away, it’s more like a reactor powering this different sense of being than a negative. As if living without orgasm but in need of one is how I was meant to be. And had I not been denied, I’d have never known.

With regard to missing the device, it’s more than that. I resent not being able to wear it for whatever reason. The feeling of not being secured is foreign to me and unsettling and I only truly feel myself when there’s something covering the penis. I feel as though the Steelheart in particular is more me than what it secures and in those increasingly rare moments I see the unprotected penis in the mirror, it’s off-putting. Not all penises, of course. Just that one. It’s natural state is to be shiny and heavy between my legs, not squishy and flopping free.

It’s a thorny question as to who I feel owns the device. Of course, Belle controls my state but, as I said, it looks and feels more like me than what it contains so it’s hard to think of it as someone else’s at the same time. I refer to the devices as Belle’s but she doesn’t seem invested in which I wear at any given moment at this point. The key is almost always in a place I’m aware of, so even that isn’t so mysterious. I think the thing I feel isn’t mine isn’t so much the device or the penis but the sensation I get from the penis when it’s exposed. That’s not mine and it’s not something I should be able to feel without permission. That’s definitely across the line.

Brian said…

Those of us who have experienced durations of chastity, or even just denial, tend to experience a ‘plateau’ of the emotions generated. For me, it’s still an up and down experience, waxing and waning, if you prefer, but waxing and waning at a higher level than when I’m freely orgasming at my leisure. I’m pretty sure you’ve expressed this experience in your blog.

My question is this … You’ve been experiencing this state for longer than I can even imagine. Does that plateau gradually wane overall the further you go, or are your escalated emotions retaining their average elevation. (Lots of height synonyms there; I hope I’ve conveyed this adequately.)

What I’ve been feeling lately is a lengthening of the up and down waves. I don’t feel the dramatic increases like I used to. But also I don’t feel like I’m nearly as constantly horny as I once was. I can’t tell how much of this is simply getting older versus how much of this is being denied orgasm. Has my body adjusted to the hormonal load of not coming or is it just not as loaded as it once was? I don’t really know. I guess the only way to know for sure would be to start coming a lot and then stopping again. But that’s not a thing I have anything to do with.

I can say that the denial stops being so distracting and simply is, but I can’t say how long that takes. A long time. Years, for me. I do still go through periods of being pretty horny, but like I said, they’re not as severe as they once were and don’t seem to last as long.

Allen asked…

I recently came across your blog after someone told me about it on Reddit. In a recent post, you wrote something that captured my attention:

“I mean, I literally can’t fuck for more than two minutes before I’m squirting and then, once I do, the penis starts to shrivel. It may have been a fuck tool once, but it’s not now. It’s barely passable as such.”

I am a member of an odd web community of men who complain about an odd problem that I was wondering if perhaps you share with us. All my life, I have suffered from these “meh” orgasms coupled with premature ejaculation. Your words sound like they may describe a similar problem. Basically, the ejaculation comes too fast, and when it does, I don’t feel much of anything.

I recently took an interest in kink, and chastity play fascinates me. Since chastity play emphasises the part of sex that happens *before* orgasm, I thought that perhaps it might be a way to learn new ways to experience pleasure and express my sexuality. Unfortunately, my wife isn’t up for it right now, so I’m simply doing some cage-less chastity play with her. I think it may be a long time before I can make her comfortable with the idea of a chastity cage on me, but I am very patient.

The thought of making it impossible to masturbate and ejaculate and then be teased by her (or even by pornhub) sounds like it may be delightful.

I was wondering if you might relate to my words. I’m wondering if my experience tells me that I am like you.

When you sent this, I didn’t really, but just this past weekend Belle told me as I was fucking her that she wanted me to come and what happened sounds a lot like what you described. It should have been a kick-in-the-back-of-the-head kind of thing since it’s been months, but it wasn’t. There was no crest. Not crash. Just an increase of sensation and pumping of seed and that’s all. I kept stroking throughout – basically doing everything I’d normally do to come – but no post-orgasmic feelings. In fact, it pretty much felt like it always does after I ejaculate without orgasm.

I wasn’t given a chance to try again later that day or the next nor was I allowed to try and jack one out, so I don’t know if it’s a one time kind of deal or what. But once it happened, I recalled this note.

So normally, I’d say denial should enhance your sensations during orgasm because that’s what I’m used to, but now I don’t know. If that’s where you are now, perhaps not. That said, I do think it’s a great way to change the paradigm in bed away from male orgasm and towards other things. You don’t need a device to do that, just a recognition that successful sex isn’t defined by the guy shooting his load. Nor does it even require a hard penis. There’s so many other ways to enjoy sex but we’re all so focused on this one act. Literally, the money shot. Without it, it’s without value. Bullshit. Maybe your wife is freaked out by the kink aspect. I’d recommend being more circumspect towards that word. Just say you’d like to have sex in ways that focus on her and her orgasm and would like to, at least every other time or so, takes the penis out of the picture. That sounds way less scary that “male chastity” or what have you.

G asked…

I need your help. I am married bi man, have one kid. The problem I face is how to tell my wife I am bi and submissive. The moment I discovered our blog you became a role model, so please help me out.

I think you just build up the nerve and say it. You tell her and be ready to answer questions (like, no, bi isn’t gay) and be willing to make whatever compromises you think you can, but you should not feel as though there’s anything wrong with you for being this way. Ultimately, whether you can be happy in a vanilla straight relationship for the rest of your life (and people are all the time) is a question only you can answer, but my fear is a lot of guys in your position end up being guilted into buying that you’re broken in some way. You aren’t. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Costume party

I was on the Tumblr this morning and scrolling through like I do and once again found myself transfixed on a GIF of a guy shooting his load. He was jacking off and had a pretty big dick and it was just the come shot. Quite generous ropes of thick creaminess being thrown from the end of his cock (not this one, but a lot like it). And I had another one of these epiphanic moments that have been showing up more often lately.

There was a time, for a long time, when I’d see a guy shooting like that and get all slack-jawed and dreamy because somewhere deep down inside I wanted to be doing that too. My lizard brain was aching so hard for what I was seeing and the vibes it would radiate overpowered my bunny brain so both got drunk on the idea.

But this time, I was watching this guy come like crazy and it was more like watching a woman get off in that it was like a separate thing from my frame of reference. Like a man stroking himself off to orgasm is a being totally removed from what I am as much as a woman getting herself off is. Just another way that I feel like a separate thing from the kind of man who does that.

Some people into this chastity and denial stuff will tell you all men should be locked up and denied but I don’t think that at all. Some men absolutely should fuck and come and jack off and do whatever they want. I feel there definitely are two classes of men (at least). Those who own their own cocks and those who don’t. Those who get to shoot loads and those who only leak through the openings in their devices. Real men have cocks and use them however they like. People like me don’t and don’t.

In fact, I feel the same kind of disconnectedness from images of men fucking as I do from men coming or jacking off. They’re meant to do that. They’re designed to do it. To pleasure their partners with their dicks. To pleasure themselves with the feeling of fucking another person. Some men (and some cocks) are born to that kind of position. To assert themselves in that kind of role. But not me. I mean, I literally can’t fuck for more than two minutes before I’m squirting and then, once I do, the penis starts to shrivel. It may have been a fuck tool once, but it’s not now. It’s barely passable as such.

I suppose if I were in a gay relationship it would be as though I didn’t even have a penis, but I’m not. I’m with Belle. And she like to get fucked and cannot fuck me so I can’t let myself slip entirely into this other type of identity because there are times when she needs me to be a man. Or pretend to be one. Like, four to six times a month, max, for maybe eight to ten minutes total. But that’s not nothing.

I don’t know if this means my lizard brain is dead. I still get pretty worked up and have plenty of urges, but they’re mostly focused outward now, not inward. Maybe the lizard has been broken by years of being chained. He’s still vicious, but maybe now he’s also fuzzy and has long ears. Maybe the lizard and bunny have found a way to merge. To align their energies.

Whatever the case, those guys shooting their loads on Tumblr are like a whole different species to me now. And I’m really OK with that. Because maybe all this time I wasn’t one of them, anyway. Maybe I was only going along to get along. Maybe I’ve been bunny in a lizard costume this whole time.

 

Free of freedom

I’ve been sick. Started Thursday with minor achiness, was full-blown awful with fever, chills, and night sweats by Saturday and Sunday. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I feel as though I’m heading in the right direction.

I mention this (in addition to the implicit solicitation of sympathy) because during this period of feeling absolutely crappy and terrible, I never needed to be out of the device. Looking back on the blog here, I think I can say this is the first time I’ve been really sick in which I didn’t also feel an overwhelming desire to be unlocked. This is also the first time I’ve been sick in the nine-ish months since Belle’s made me stay locked 98-99% of the time.

I think this is a subtle but significant thing. When I was feeling my worse, the device didn’t even enter my mind. When I’m grooving, the device feels like it’s part of me, not a separate and distinct thing. I’ve never felt like that when experiencing the diametric opposite of grooving. Even during my most recent depressive episode, I said this in my last post…

Whichever steel is between my legs is just an inert mass I need to keep clean. I don’t want to be locked, I don’t want to be unlocked. I just don’t care.

I guess it was the same way when I was feeling the sickest. It’s like being locked wasn’t a situation I had to deal with or endure…it just was. Even when I’m otherwise not super excited about being that way. My acceptance of security is no longer dependent on how horny I am. It’s there even when my horniness level is below zero.

This seems related to something I wrote about last December.

There’s an aspect of all this that’s been quite difficult for me to wrap my head around. Not difficult to do. I revel in my role. But it’s a thing that’s been bubbling around inside me and that was accentuated when I was with Frodo. It’s something to do with gender. I don’t really feel like a man anymore. That’s an odd thing to see myself writing and I don’t mean it be read as if I think of myself as a female. That’s the problem, really. I don’t have the words to describe it. Less of a man and more of something else.

I’m not a man who’s locked. I’m just locked. There is no natural state for me to be other than that. I feel like I’ve reached some new level of evolution. Imaging not having a locked penis is as difficult a concept for me to accept as the opposite would be for a man who’s just learning about enforced chastity. The penis isn’t being denied freedom since it no longer has freedom to be denied. All the frustration and the pressure of constricted erections and craving to jack off and even to come are now the point. They’re not a means to an end. They’re the end.

I don’t have a penis, I have a device. And I don’t want a penis. Not like that. Not anymore. Not ever. Belle could leave the key hanging on a nail out in the open. I’d never touch it unless she handed it to me.

 

Jet lag sex

Belle was in China for a week which is kind of a short trip considering it’s like on the other side of the planet and all but not the shortest trip she’s taken there. In any event, long enough for her to acclimatize to the time difference and have to deal with jet lag after she landed very late Thursday night.

Friday was a work day for me, but Belle told me to go in late so I could get her off then go to breakfast. So that’s pretty much exactly what happened. Once all the offspring were out of the house, we got to business. I really wanted out since it had been two weeks since the last time she let me, but we were pressed for time so she took her pleasure and left me tight and needy. Of course, I’m not allowed to ask to be let out and I tried not to make it too obvious, but she could tell. Didn’t especially bother her, but she could tell.

Then the jet lag fucked her up. Or, the sleep aid she takes to help get back on track to CDT did. She didn’t wake up as early and was groggy when she did so Saturday and Sunday mornings were a washout, sex-wise. It was starting to look like it’d be another week before the penis would have a chance to get wet.

We were in bed last night watching Grand Designs which we’re just getting in the states on Netflix and, if you haven’t seen it, is wonderful AF. While laying there drooling over two dudes and their fucking amazing farmhouse, she was groping my biceps and getting all worked up. Next thing, she was putting my hands on her tits and the next thing after that she was throwing her key at me.

Sometimes, like Friday morning, Belle just wants to get off. Other times, like last night, she wants dick. Once the Halfshell was off, she couldn’t keep her hands off its contents. She was stroking and teasing and generally manhandling it the whole time I was sucking her tits and fingering her snatch. A few times I thought to offer her the option of mounting me and riding it to her orgasm but I can never tell until that happens if I’ll be able to keep my shit together long enough to get her home and asking her to stop is almost as bad as coming without permission (pretty fucking bad). The fact that she would’ve had to be quiet could have helped since the sound of her coming is often enough to bring me to orgasm, too, but I never said anything.

As she was building to her orgasm, I was able to sync up with her in sympathy. Her breathing became faster and more shallow, so did mine. She started to gyrate her hips around, I started to grind the free and hard erection into the space between her leg and the mattress. She moaned and I did, too. When the moment came and she went over the falls, I pressed my fingers against her clit and reached in and hooked under her pelvic bone and rode her pleasure, wave after wave with each buck of her hips, holding my breath and moaning into her. When she was done coming, I felt like I was, too.

She could have told me right then to put the device back on the penis. To wait for it to lose its stiffness and stuff it back into the steel. And I would have been satisfied. To have her pay so much attention to it and allow me to share in her ecstasy is enough for me. More than I usually get, in fact. Yes, I wanted to fuck her badly, but that’s not uncommon. She could have ordered it back in and I would have complied.

But she didn’t. She pulled me over on top of her and guided the head of the penis so it lined up with the hot, wet folds of her pussy and I pushed it in. The snug heat of her snatch enveloped me and I immediately felt like I was about to come. I repositioned myself and gave it another thrust, this time nearly all the way in. Then again. Then I felt the urge. The tripwire had been hit. I urged it to stop so I could give her the fucking she wanted but the best I could do was sit as still as stone while my thick seed surged into her. Even immediately after, I needed to hold it still lest it develop into something too close to an orgasm. Regardless, my time was over. I felt terrible for lasting so shortly and truly regretted not giving her the chance to ride me when it might have worked.

Orgasm or not, the penis started to deflate. It knows the rules as well as I do now and refuses to stay hard after it shoots even the least amount. I thanked Belle for allowing me to share in her pleasure and apologized for not having the stamina to perform as she clearly wanted me to. But she gave me a kiss that told me she understood. This is what I am now. There’s no fixing it.

By the time she came back to bed, I was putting the Steelheart on. That’s the rule. I don’t even ask. I am always to be locked up. I gave her the key. We kissed again. And she fell asleep.

April metrics

IMG_3874April showers have brought…May showers here at Winterfell and the end of the month means another entry in my ongoing chastity and denial metrics project.

Belle had the penis locked up 99.4% of the month. The four and a half hours it was unlocked were the cumulative time she wanted to use it during sex. The whole rest of the time, it was secured. Even though I flew in April, the Schandmaske made it possible to remain locked through airport security. For the year, the penis has been made inaccessible by one device or another for 98.9% of the time.

The Halfshell was the predominant device used in April, though I started and ended the month in the Steelheart. On the year, the use of each is split pretty evenly: 1,280.5 hours in the Halfshell and 1,258 in the Steelheart. By the end of today, they’ll be tied. Basically, if Belle expresses a preference, it’s always the Steelheart and if I’m left to wear what I want, it’s usually the Halfshell, though I notice that so far this year I have not worn either the Jail Bird or the Looker 02.

On the orgasm front, Belle was in fine form after three below-average months. She came 12 times in April, twice as often as she did in each of the first three months of the year. I have an informal goal of getting her off about 10 times over 30 days, so this was a good effort. Three of those were when she was by herself travelling, one was when I used a vibrator on her, seven were from my fingers, and she had her first orally induced orgasm of the year. She also had her first multiple orgasm day of the year.

I had zero orgasms in April. The last time I came was February 18, seventy-two days ago. She allowed me to fuck her four times, though, and I leaked into her each time.

This is another month with Belle being away for part of it due to travel, though that didn’t slow her down last month. It’ll be a busy month beyond that, though, with family visiting and the high school graduation of our oldest kid and various home improvement projects going on. In June, we’re going to college orientation for the previously aforementioned kid and embarking on a grand adventure in which the whole family will be living in Hong Kong for 6-8 weeks. That’ll be interesting, for sure. In any event, life is picking up its pace as it does every summer and it’ll be interesting to see how that impacts what I track here.