You know when you feel it

After a few recent Metrics posts I’ve received the question of what I mean by ejacualting in Belle but not orgasming. As in, if you’re shooting your load aren’t you having an orgasm? I’m going to write this up so I can link to it from now on in order to answer similar questions before they’re asked. 

Supreme Courth Justice Potter Stewart (who, I suspect, is rarely name-dropped in sex blogs but who knows) said in his opinion in the Jacobellis vs. Ohio obscentiy case that while pornograhy was difficult to define, you knew it when you saw it. As I’ve developed as a man denied anything like a regular or normal orgasm frequency, I find orgasm is much the same. There’s a lot that skirts the edges of orgasm and many things that might be mistaken for orgasm from a distance, but when the real deal comes along (pun intended), you fucking know it. 

To be clear, when I come it’s often really intense. Nothing like coming was back when I was doing it several times a week. So intense that it’s usually not even enjoyable while happening and can even be painful. I’ve felt pain in the moment of orgasm above my balls and behind the penis from, I presume, the intensity of the ejacualation through infrequently excercised muscles but also, on occasion, in the back of my head from the wave of powerful hormones that accompany orgasm. And it’s the near total lack of those hormones following simple ejaculation that indicate most powerfully that an orgasm has not taken place. 

The term “ruined orgasm” is often used to describe what happens to me, but those are most often associated with mean old Dommes stroking a restrained guy for an hour and then taking him right up to the moment of orgasm and then stopping all stimulation while his hard cock strains and thrusts and waves around in the air and squirts ejacualte anyway. That’s what happens with me, but it’s inside her and I’m the one who’s stopping the stimulation because I don’t have permission to come. I wrote recently that the line I cross from “about to come” to “OMG I’M COMING” used to feel about a half inch wide. I’d be over it and losing my shit before I even knew it was about to happen. But now it’s so obvious to me and can be felt from so far away that it may as well be a yard wide. The benefits of not coming and forcusing so much energy and attention on trying not to will, over time, give one a detailed understanding of the mechanics and process it entails. If I’m on top and controlling the pace and rhythm of the thrusting, I honestly have no excuses when it comes to “accidentally” having an orgasm. I know when to stop, I know when I have to remain absolutely still, and I know when it’s safe for me to slide it out again. 

Over the years, I’ve also realized that orgasm is not entirely physical. Some of it is mental and my body has been trained in several ways to react in as though it has come, though with less intensity than if I had. For instance, Belle’s orgasm makes my whole body tense and my breathing increase as though her orgasmic energy is feeding back into me through my fingers as her pussy clenches around them. I can even feel a subtle sleepiness after. And when the penis ejacualtes now, it will almost always immediately begin to lose its erection no matter how much I want to keep fucking her. As though it knows the reason for the penetration is complete and the erection is no longer necessary. That has led to some very frustrating moments. I can recall in the past when leaking into her like that would only slow me down for a moment and then I’d keep fucking right through the mess. But not anymore. 

Speaking of which, “leaking” is what it feels like. I might say “shoot” because I like the sound of it, but the difference in velocity of the ejaculation in a real orgasm and the shadow of one that happens when I simply leak without orgasm is significant. When I come, it feels like the semen is being ripped out of me fast enough to burn the stiff shaft from the inside out. When I ejacualte, it’s slower and more relaxed. The boundaries between surges are less defined. Sometimes it can even feel like the semen is running out of me in one long stream. 

The important thing to remember is Belle likes to be fucked and she likes to feel me shoot inside her. Also, I think she feels letting me ejaculate is actually good for me (prostate, etc.). So I know one of the reasons she’s letting me inside her is so that I’ll fill her up with seed. When I fuck her now it’s with the knowledge that even if she doesn’t tell me to come she still wants to feel as though I did. 

So, that’s what I mean when I say I ejaculating and how I know it’s different than having an orgasm. 

March metrics while miles high (with timey-wimey update)

NOTE: The original version of this post used numbers reported by my tracking app at the moment March ended while we were still in the U.K. and in British Summer Time. That screwed things up since my month started in the U.S. in Central Daylight Time and the trip began under Greenwich Mean Time. In any event, I’ve re-run the numbers now that I’m back home and have updated the post accordingly. It wasn’t that big a difference, but it would have bugged me forever.

Interestingly, since they switched to BST while we were in the country, I seem to have lost an hour in March. Thirty-one 24-hours days should make March 744 hours long but I only tracked 743. I would get that hour back in the fall, but since I already lost an hour when the U.S. switched to Daylight Savings, I will never get that BST hour back unless I go back to the U.K. when they revert back to GMT. 

The end of March is also the end of the first quarter of the year, so we’ll be looking at both today. Currently, according to the screen in front of me, I’m crossing over the east coast of Greenland at an altitude of 34,997 feet at a speed of 490 MPH on my way back from a family vacation. Presumably, I’ll be somewhere closer to the other side of it once I’m done with this post. I feel so Drew-like.

I ended my last post on metrics like this…

This month, we’re travelling to Europe for Spring Break. This will mean some extra time out for TSA, etc., and there’s no telling how much of the time we’re vacationing she’ll want the penis locked up. It hasn’t seen more than 2% of free time in five months. Might it even get into double-digits in March!?

Belle read that and said, “Double digits? You think?” Well, no, I was just speculating. That’s all. Innocent speculation. Sweetie

Perhaps that encouraged her to crank things up a bit because up until the last day of the month my time tracking app reported 0% free time. It was rounding down since the actual percentage was about 0.45 before she let me out the night before we were to return home. At 11.5 hours, that’s the longest period I’ve been out of one device or another since 4-6 September last year when I was unlocked for nearly 48 hours. Of course, since I was let out on the evening of 3/31 some of those hours ended up in April, but also complicating the figuring is the time change from BST to my local CDT. In any event, the unlocked night bumped the percentage way up from just under half a percent to a titch over 1.5%.
I was in four different devices including the new one (whose review is nearly done but not quite), the lucite version of the Steelwerks Schandmaske. I wore the Holy Trainer for one evening I knew I was going to be wanded by a metal detector at a concert, the Halfshell for a few days, but otherwise it was Belle’s favorite the Steelheart. Rather than have me in the Schandmaske or Trainer for the TSA (both of which would have been fine), she had me go through free and relock on the other side. And that’s how I stayed until she gave me the key last night.

I took the Steelheart off before my shower. It was the first shower I’ve had outside a device in I can’t even remember how long. I don’t track that. Perhaps six months or more. First time this year for sure. Just being out and by myself in the bathroom with the prospect of soaping it up left it hard and insistent, but I was nearly all businesslike. I shaved it and my balls and cleaned it well and only gave it three extraneous squeezes with no stroking whatsoever. All in all, I’m fairly happy with how I handled suddenly having a penis again.

During cleaning, I found the head to be remarkably sensitive. The slightest touch made me shiver. That’s to be expected, I suppose, considering how infrequently it feels anything but the inside of a hard object, but had we been in a position to have sex and she let me put it in, I would have not lasted long. I considered wearing the A-ring to bed and, had it been the Halfshell’s, would have but the Steelheart’s A-ring is far too small to wear absent the tube to help keep erections in check. The best I could do was put it on when we were getting ready to go to the airport. It did, by the way, set off the metal detector but didn’t trigger a closer examination following a body scan.

It’s been more than three weeks now since Belle allowed me inside her. Partly this is due to me being away from her for a weekend, but there were plenty of opportunities before and after and even on our trip since the kids had their own rooms for all but the last night. She simply chose to leave me secured during sex. I will admit there’s a part of me that finds it difficult dealing with the lack of pussy access, but those feelings are a feature not a bug and they’re the most challenging in the minutes immediately after her orgasms when she’s basking and my fingers are still in her and the penis is filling the device tightly, stewing in the reality that it will be denied what it so badly craves. But I find these emotions transform and mellow into contentedly frustrated submission after a short while. This is, as she often points out, good for me. And as long as it’s what she wants me to feel, I can handle it.

Speaking of her orgasms, it was a bit of an off month for her in March. She came just six times. I gave her five of those and she took care of the sixth while I was away. She let me fuck her just twice and I ejaculated both times but had no orgasms in the month. My last orgasm was on February 18, forty-two days ago.

Q1 2017

img_3497Belle has allowed me to be unlocked just a hair under 1% of the time in the past three months. Last night made up nearly half of the time I’ve been out of chastity since the year stared. The penis has breathed the sweet air of freedom barely more than a day out of 90.

The Steelheart claimed just over half the time with the Halfshell picking up a more than a third. The Schandmaske got 9% and the Holy Trainer was on so little as to not even get a full percentage point.

During the quarter, I had one orgasm while she had twenty. She achieved one of those orgasms while riding the penis, four were self-administered, one I gave her with the vibrator, and all the rest were done with my fingers. None were oral. I was allowed inside her 10 times, including my one orgasm.

Comparing March to the quarter shows what a big deal a whole night unlocked was for me. Due to rounding, I was unlocked twice as much in March versus the quarter, but the actual difference is a fifty percent increase. One night equals about a third of the time I was unlocked all year so far.

Six month view

I tend to think of the way we do male chastity now as a kind of new chapter for us and that really started in September of last year. Therefore, it’s interesting to me to pull numbers for the past six months for comparison to the last three to see if there are any trends. Turns out, the past two quarters look very much alike.

img_3497-1Belle has let the penis out for a little more than two days worth of time in total over six months. It was locked in just four devices in that time, almost even split between her favorite (the Steelheart) and mine (the Halfshell). I’ve had two orgasms in that time and, while I wasn’t tracking hers last year, my gut tells me she’s not coming as often now as then, but there’s been a lot of travel and time apart.

Speaking of which, Belle is traveling again in April. She’ll be gone for about a week. And, as I write this sentence, I see we’re just about to cross over the west coast of Greenland. Seems an appropriate time to stop, then. Halfway home, now…

FullSizeRender.jpg

And no, I will not be speculating about April. Not at all.

The opposite of resent

I was away from Belle this weekend spending a little quality time in the woods. Since the last time I went there resulted in two unauthorized self-administered orgasms, I went this time secured in the Steelwerks Schandmaske (a device for which I am woefully late in writing a review). Not that this trip would afford me any real opportunity to cheat, but because I did last time, I am always locked now unless Belle wants to use the penis.

In any event, because of this trip and various other reasons, March is turning into month in which the penis has been locked up quite a lot. It’s been out only 1.2 hours so far, or not even three-tenths of one percent of the month. I mentioned this to Belle when I got home just as an aside as she was going to bed and she asked me, unexpectedly, if I resented that degree of lock-up.

I’m not going to say it isn’t frustrating sometimes. That the urge to have an unencumbered erection or to feel the hard penis in my hand doesn’t occasionally swell inside me. But resentful? Far from it. Just the opposite.

I love Belle for being someone who will expend the effort to control me that way. Who cares enough about me to see that I’m put into that position. I crave it and I appreciate it more than I can say. It helps me stay centered and focused on my submission. It makes me feel loved and comforted even when the device is tight or annoying or the urge to use the penis for my own pleasure becomes strong.

I find I’m in a interesting spot now that it’s been so many months in which I’ve been without access to the penis so consistently. The sensation that I don’t have a penis like other men and that I am somehow fundamentally not as other men are permeates me. In the past, there was something about how I was a man denied control over the thing that defined my manhood that radiated the energy that powered my submission but now I feel like I’ve pushed past that. Not having a penis defines me more than not having access to it does. Not ever masturbating and so infrequently orgasming and being able to satisfy my sex partners without the use of a penis has rewritten the base code of my sexuality in a way that, if I resent anything, it’s that the penis can’t be locked away forever. That it still radiates desires and urges powerful enough to require it stay secured. That it even needs to be a factor at all.

I understand why it does. Belle needs to feel it inside her. She craves that and the feeling of it ejacualting into her. That’s what she requires to be satisfied sometimes so that’s what I will give her since her satisfaction is my primary objective. I’m happy to have that penis to be able to bring her pleasure when she wants it, but also happy to not have it all the rest of the time since it would only lead me to indulgent and self-centered activity.

The energy that powers my submission now comes from the lack of the thing that I used to think defined my sexuality. That I feel very much as though I am not quite a man. I’m something in between. I only become man-like when Belle needs me to. Feeling that would have probably terrified me even after we started using chastity in our marriage. Definitely would have horrified me from 15 or 25 years ago. But now it feels absolutely natural. Perhaps more natural than I’ve ever felt before. As if I am now who I was meant to be.

How could I resent that? How could I resent the woman who helped me become this? Of course I don’t. More that I cherish her for allowing me to be who I am. That she appreciates me for being that way and, even though it’s not what she thought she was marrying, loves me all the same.

February, by the numbers

The shortest and most obnoxious of Winter months is behind us here in the Great White (but not this year) North. Here’s a breakdown of the month’s activities using the newly expanded metrics.

img_2790February was all about the Halfshell. I went into it just before February started and stayed in it for all but .07% of the month. Belle was travelling again in February so that less-than-1% outcome is mostly due to her not being around to let me out for her pleasure. Pretty sure .07% is the lowest amount of freedom the penis has experienced in any one month since the new “it shall always be locked” rule was implemented.

Just like in January, Belle’s travels worked against her having a normal number of orgasms. She enjoyed the same number, seven (in a perfect world, I’d like her to have 8-10 in a month). Two were self-administered (presumably with her vibrator), four were via the ministration of my fingers, and one was while riding the penis (and yes, I was able to resist coming myself).

I had my first orgasm of the year on the 18th. It was just OK. Not the head-exploding release that is physcially painful but also not purely enjoyable. Two days later, any lingering effects were totally gone. Through February, the Belle-to-Thumper orgasm ratio is 14:1.

Like last month, I was only allowed inside her four times. Three of the four resulted in ejacualtion without orgasm, the fourth was the one orgasm I had in the month. I think she likes it when I shoot in her and that’s half the reason she lets me do it. I’ve gotten pretty good at knowing where the line is between ejaculation and orgasm. For most men who aren’t focused on staying denied, that line is the width of a human hair. For me, it feels like it’s five feet across. I know exactly where it is, even when it shows up more quickly than I was expecting.

This month, we’re travelling to Europe for Spring Break. This will mean some extra time out for TSA, etc., and there’s no telling how much of the time we’re vacationing she’ll want the penis locked up. It hasn’t seen more than 2% of free time in five months. Might it even get into double-digits in March!?

January Metrics

“Oh, hold on,” I said and turned away from her in bed moments after she allowed me to take off the chastity device.

“What?” she asked.

“Just a sec…” as I reached for my phone.

“Oh. Data collection. I see.”

January, of course, means a new year which means all the numbers go back to zero. Last year, I counted only hours in each device plus how many times I came (more or less, I lost track). This year, I’m tracking the devices plus…

  • How many times she comes
  • How she came (fingers, vibrator, oral, penis, etc.)
  • How many times I am allowed inside her
  • How many times I ejaculate
  • How many times I orgasm
  • How I orgasm (though there’s really only one option there)

img_2167I was locked up, according to the time tracker, roughly 98.5% of January (733.3 hours). Nearly three-quarters of that time was in the Steelheart with the remainder pretty even split between the Halfshell and a newcomer (ahem) from Steelwerks called the Schandmaske. I’ll be writing up more about that device in the future.

January was the fifth month where I was locked up north of 90% of the time and the fourth in a row where I was I was contained nearly 100% of the time. This is, of course, “the new normal” turning into just “the normal.” Most of the time I was out was when I travelled for work. Belle was away for about half the month travelling, as well, so the excess time I was out for the TSA was balanced by her not being around to let me out for sex.

Belle came seven times in January. Had she been home, that number would have been higher, though she did get herself off a few times while she was gone. Four of her orgasms were from my fingers, one was from her vibrator, and two were when she was on her own (probably the vibrator again, but I count solo orgasms sepreate from any she has with me).

I had no orgasms in January.

I was allowed to fuck her four times and each time I ejacualted rather quickly.

I did not masturbate in January.

Belle will be travelling quite a bit again in February. She has a weekend in Mexico with some friends then she’s off to Paris for work and to possibly see England (the man, not the country) and who knows what. I’m not travelling as far as I know so there’s little reason to believe February will provide any reasons for me to be unlocked even as much 1.5-2% of the time.

Hapa’s comment

Hapa left the following comment on my 2016 metrics post:

Love how you’re always pushing boundaries and publishing results. For real. As I read this blog entry I started wondering about the big picture. My guess for arguments sake, is you and Belle are in your late forties. A lot of couples naturally start seeing a slow decay in sexual frequency as they age,.

Do you think about trading the natural ability of your most active sexual years for lifestyle?

Clearly you and Belle have a great thing going and and your blog is both inspirational and entertaining but thought that chastity could potentially fit a time when yours or your partners appetite for physical sex is lower (especially when you’re at 16 orgasms/ year) than trading your more vital years.

Maybe the consideration is entirely backwards and the hotness of the trade off is everthing regardless.

In a comical parallel, I used to buzz my hair for many reasons, mostly that I liked it, then, one day I realized I’d be better off enjoying my natural ability to grow and style my hair leaving the buzzing for a time when styling isn’t possible. Chances are I’ll go back to buzzing sooner than that but it made sense enough to stop buzzing my hair for now.😉

Thank you for continuing to write so authentically about your life and sexuality.

Happy New Year,
Hapa

I started to respond but it got all long-winded so I’ve promoted to a whole post. I do not want this to be read as some kind of personal take-down of what Hapa asked or said. Quite the opposite. I want him to understand my perspective. There was a time when I would have asked and said the very same things he did.

Your guess is right that Belle and I are in our late forties. We were in our early forties when we started all this. And while I do agree in general that denial and chastity is one way to combat a slackening libedo, that’s not exactly what happened for us.

Prior to the denial dynamic overlay to our relationship, we had endured years of essentially sexless marriage. Then I cheated and then we came back together and started having sex again. For a while, we had quite a lot of pretty standard sex. Then I discovered what chastity was and we were off to the races. So, for us, it wasn’t a way to enhance a declining sex drive. It was a way to enhance our relationship. Also, for what it’s worth, Belle’s sex drive has increased pretty dramatically in the past year or so.

For a while (like, more than a year), I bought into that “trading my more vital years” thing because I was not yet getting my head around the fact that the point of being locked up is not for me to have sex or for me to have more sex or for me to have better sex or for me to have hotter fantasies or for me at all. It’s not about me. I was terrifically turned on all the time and the chastity was hot as fuck and I’d lay there all mad at Belle for not wanting to take advantage of me in my turned on state and let me make her come, etc. etc. I was being selfish and not accepting that she held the key and owned what it secured. I wanted the female to lead my relationship but only if she led it where I wanted it to go. I was one of those poor bastards who wants to be locked up and talks his wife into it and then becomes a pain in the ass horned-up idiot. Chasity and denial are acts of submission and submission means sacrifice at some level.

It’s from sacrifice that submissives draw their energy. It’s the very definition of being submissive. Giving up control of some kind. Giving it to them, for them. And then living with the consequences. And knowing that living like that is how we as submissives were meant to be.

In a lot of ways, when I talk about my mantra — This is who I am, not what I do — it’s an attempt to draw strength from the reality of the previous paragraph. Giving things up is what makes me as a submissive happy. Seeing her enjoy what I can do for her, as well.

That’s a heavy way of saying I don’t see the exchange of being able to come when and as often as I want for her control over those things and as a trade-off. It’s the entire point. I don’t know how it would be different if I was 30 or 20 or 70, but I do know I wish we had started this as soon as we met. I don’t care if I’m having 1% or 10% or 90% of the orgasms someone my age would normally be having. I care that she owns any I have from this point forward and that she takes that seriously. I’m a fucking sub. I want to be dominated. It makes me happy to be controlled. Being controlled makes me happier than having orgasms. My responsibility isn’t to think about what might be, it’s to focus on making her happy and all the ways I can repay her attention to the responsibility she’s accepted.

You do get there in your comment (“Maybe the consideration is entirely backwards…”), but your hair analogy is off. Even if I couldn’t come as often as I could when I was 20 (i.e., grow as much hair as you can now and not when you can’t), I’d still want her to control it. It makes no difference if I have the natural urge to come three times a day or three times a month. In fact, if I’m unable or have no urge to do something, what value is there in giving it to someone else? It’s potency is its value. Because I have the urge to come (however often) but do not in deference to her control is why this works. That’s where the energy comes from.

I don’t think your POV is uncommon. I do think it’s wrong. Orgasm denial, in a weird way, isn’t about orgasms. It’s about denial. Denial is the thing. Sacrifice. Handing over control. Submission. Yeah, baby. That’s the stuff.

/end sermon

The campfire rule

Good news is, the Steelheart didn’t wake me up as I expected last night. Bad news is, that’s because I barely slept. Yes, the Steelheart did wake me up from time to time between fitful periods of sleep, but it wasn’t due to discomfort as much as it was obvious to me I was wearing it again.

As I’ve said, that first orgasm after a long period of denial is pretty crappy (like the one from Saturday). The impact of coming following such a period of inactivity lands with a thudding implosion, not the sky full of fireworks you might expect. It’s the second one that lights up the night like the 4th of July. But I didn’t get a second one, did I? No I did not.

I’ve said before that long term denial isn’t like climbing an endless roller coaster incline into the sky, ever more horny and turned on until release. There’s a period in the first week or three when starting from zero where one can find themselves feeling that way, but once you get past that it’s more of a slow burn. I find it’s not so much that I’m ever more horny, just that I can get really turned on in the blink of an eye. Also that when I do get turned on, I get really turned on. But then it subsides into the background radiation of everyday horniness again.

It used to be, one shot and I’d lose all the effects of being denied. But that was then when I assume my body was still adjusting from pretty much always getting orgasmic release when it wanted it. As time went on and the periods of denial lengthened, things changed. Now that first time is not the reset it once was. But it does play a role.

Now it’s basically a set-up for the next time I come. Like dumping kerosene on a campfire, the intensity of my denial flares up and rages. If I come again in the days that follow, then it’s a near-total reset. The campfire burns itself out. But if I don’t come again, I’m a basket case of unrequited desire.

And that’s why I didn’t sleep last night. Being back in the Steelheart gave me just enough of a boost to make it so I couldn’t stop being turned on. Every movement in bed reminded me I was back in the heavier device. A persistent radioactive need nestled inside the hard steel and burned in my imagination. But I eventually did sleep. I don’t know how much, but it was after midnight before I got there and I kept waking up. I never got to the point where I was so asleep that the raging nocturnal erection happened because every time it started to plump up a bit the feeling woke me up again.

But yeah, I did sleep. I repeated my mantra and allowed myself to feel as I felt. I didn’t let it panic me. I let it happen and relaxed into it. I didn’t get good sleep, but I got some and the difference between a little crappy sleep and none at all is huge.

I suspect tonight will be more normal. Eventually, the kerosene will burn up and leave my denial campfire as it normally is. I can’t stay like this forever.