It’s been just over three months since Belle told me to fuck her (ninety-four days, to be exact). Only recently have I started to feel my denied self again. My equilibrium was knocked off center to such an extent that I did the things I’m never allowed to do, should not do, and in the past would not have done. But in doing so, I put myself back on the path I would rather be.
The precipitating event was when I decided to wear the Cherry Keeper device on a work trip I went on a little over a month after the fuck. That device keeps the contents completely inside me and totally nullifies any hint of a penis and I find that to be unbelievably hot. I also find it impossible to wear for any real amount of time. Usually, it gives me sores on the head of the contents but this time it gave me a hot spot under the base ring under my left testicle. Which I absolutely should have expected and which I absolutely helped bring into being.
I was laying in the room of my Airbnb feeling suitably horned up and was getting off on the feeling of total nullification. As the contents firmed up, it occurred to me how the sensation of being completely inside myself was not unlike how I first learned to masturbate. I would roll my little penis up then rock back and forth on the resulting nub while basically humping the ground. So, for the purposes of scientific inquiry, I gave it a shot. Uh, literally.
Turns out, it worked. Really fucking intensely. The contents now are very different than they were fifty-whatever years ago, of course, so the amount of pressure I felt was a lot higher. Also, the Cherry Keeper pushed it even further in and gripped my balls hard. Didn’t take too long for me to go over the falls (my trigger is still pathetically short) and make a messy little puddle under the device.
I should have felt guilty about it. But I didn’t really feel anything. Except for the pain the device caused me where it wounded me. I couldn’t keep it on and brought no other device with me, so I was out.
And I wasn’t done. I can’t recall the specifics, but a day or two later I fully jacked off. Again, I came almost instantly because that’s the pathetic, orgasm starved creature I have become. I didn’t feel a lot of enjoyment from it. It was just something I did because I could get away with it.
Neither occurrence has any excuse other than I somehow lost the plot after being allowed to fuck her. It was like there wasn’t much reason for me to be locked or denied. Somehow, going from thinking I was never going to fuck or come again to having done both broke the spell I had fallen under. There was a penis in there. And I could do things with it. Things I didn’t think were possible anymore.
But having just found myself with two self-inflicted orgasms in as many days on my hands (and floor), I had some serious self-reflection to do. Belle let me have the one when I fucked her but these two were totally out of bounds.
I felt like that one fuck, which I never thought would happen but about which I had no say or control, shook a lot of conceptions I had about myself and seemed to put me at something of a crossroads. With the spell of being a penisless beta sub cuck broken, there was a pull from the more primordial parts of my psyche to start entertaining them again. To reclaim the contents for what it was designed for. To basically stop being what I had become.
Instead of upturning my identity, I decided to recommit to the course I have been on for years. I am a penisless beta sub cuck. It’s not something I play at. I can’t stop the kind of animal cravings that come with the testosterone in my blood and the organ between my legs, but I’m more than that. I am not controlled by those things. They are controlled by my commitment to giving them over to Belle. Submitting them to that control makes my life better and our relationship stronger.
The other day, we were in the pool together. I was naked as I like to be, but especially in the pool, and of course locked in the Orion and she swam up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. She was very close to me and I was immediately aware of both how much in my face her tits were and how close to the encased contents her pussy was. I could feel the pressure build.
“You know,” she said, “the last time I let you out, it totally wasn’t worth it.” Not worth it because of what it did to my headspace, she explained, and also not worth it from the standpoint of what she wanted out of it. Basically, I’m a lousy fuck and get bratty and sullen after. Hearing that, I was as tight as I can be. Hard as fuck inside the device.
I don’t ever want to be anything more or different than I am right now. This is it. This is what’s right for me and for us. And I need to remember that even if she does want to try again with letting me out to fuck or for any other reason, that it doesn’t change anything. I am a penisless beta sub cuck, no matter what she decides in the moment to do with me. It’s how I’ll be for the rest of my life. And knowing it and living it makes me very happy,
So anyway, these are the things I’m tracking now and where I am as of this writing:
- Last fuck — 94 days ago
- Last stroke — 49 days ago
- Last orgasm — 49 days ago
- Last time I saw the contents — 47 days ago
- Days locked — 47
I will track these numbers knowing I have total control over how I conduct myself and no control over what she wants of me. By themselves, I’m not defined by them. But inasmuch as I do have agency over my actions and behavior, they are a testament to my commitment to Belle and her authority.