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One on 1/1

Belle surprised me this morning with permission to come. She had previously told me I’d have to wait until she got back from overseas, which would have put me at a minimum of 16 days, but I guess a combination of my plaintive, horny eyes and a fit of New Year’s generosity moved her to allow me to climax. It’s only been about six days since the last one, but that was coming off nearly three weeks between events and I can’t say I felt fully satisfied from it. I was very horny this morning – more than a six day denial should have made me. Based on comments from Tom and Eileen, this is apparently normal. Finally! I’m normal!!

In any event, Belle took me by surprise. All I wanted was to fuck her. She told me when I started that I’d get to come after her orgasm but, following her climax, I found that I couldn’t come. I tried and tried, but eventually had to roll off and stroke myself to stay hard. My feeling is that I’ve totally separated the need to come to climax from the act of intercourse. Truth is, after Belle came, I felt a kind of sexual satisfaction. Yeah, I was hard and turned-on, but I really didn’t need more than the reflected heat of her pleasure. This is totally different than the dopey lethargy of post-ejaculation satisfaction, but just as meaningful for me. I think, since I assumed I was not going to come, I had approached our sex with a different headspace – that of the denied male. Suddenly, I found myself staring down the barrel of my own orgasm and I blinked.

Belle was very supportive after I rolled off in defeat. While I stroked myself, she kissed me, pinched my nipples, and squeezed my balls. After a little while, I got back in the saddle and finally came. I had to be quiet since the kids were both up, but had I my druthers, I would have been screaming. It was a good thing.

We’ve been fooling around with orgasm denial for about three months now, but I felt today was a milestone. Sex and orgasm, for me, have been fully decoupled. It’s like I have two ways to make love to my wife now. The first, much more common method, is primarily about giving her pleasure. The pleasure I receive is hers reflected back on me, plus the hormonal rush of sexual frustration. The second way, of course, is where I also get to come, but it seems I need to know it’s allowable to get there in a good way. If I think back, this is how it’s felt for a while but I’m only just now realizing it. Those times she’s “sprung” an opportunity for emission on me have always been more difficult (and maybe even a little less satisfying) than those I knew were coming. I think this is all about how I approach the sex and which of the two methods I bring to the event.

This all kind of segues into a conversation we had a few nights ago. Now that we’re starting a new year, I’ve been thinking about how many times I might come in twelve months. In no way am I trying to usurp her authority over this, but I told her I’d be very happy with something between 18 and 20 orgasms in 2009. In a perfect world, she’d keep me off balance and not parcel them out in a nice evenly distributed pattern. Maybe two or three in a week and then nothing for at least month. Something like that. In any event, we seem to be thinking along the same lines.

I have no idea how many times the average 40-year-old male jacks off, but I’d guess I was doing it about two or three times a week, more or less. That’s about a 140-events-per-year pace. Now, I’m looking at something less than 15% of that over the next twelve months. In fact, it’s likely that Belle will orgasm seven times more often than me in 2009. I am overjoyed at the prospect.

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Christmas break

It’s been almost a week since I last wrote here. I guess I’ll call that my Christmas Break.

I was trying to get into a rhythm where I blogged about once a day, so six days off has left me a little rusty as well as contemplative regarding how I’ll blog in the future. On the one hand, I want to blog regularly (like I said, maybe 5 times a week, or thereabouts). On the other hand, I don’t want to get too repetitive. I mean, how many times can I come here and write that Belle denied me another orgasm before you all wander off? Once the bloom is off the orgasm denial flower, how many times can one write about the same non-event? The secret, I think, is spending more time describing the donut and less thinking about the hole. Of course, the longer I’m denied the more I think about holes…and what you can do with them…and how even now I’m getting plump thinking about a freakin’ donut hole. Sheesh. OK, back to it, then.

Christmas Day was notable for two things. First, my Belle Fille had the stomach flu all day. Merry Christmas, sweetie! That sucked (mostly for her). Luckily, she was right as rain the next day. Second, Christmas was the first day I actually forgot my dick was pierced. No pain, no uncomfortableness, in general, no weirdness of any kind. I count it as the first day of the rest of my penis-pierced life. The next day, Friday, Belle felt so good that she wanted me to fuck her. During the healing period, Belle hasn’t been able to enjoy her cock as often as she’d like and, since it was feeling pretty good, she wanted it in her. I used the one non-sheep intestine condom I had. I felt a wince once or twice, but otherwise it was a good experience for both of us. She reports being able to feel the curved barbell a little, but not a lot.

After she came, she told me I could, too, if I wanted to. It’s a testimate to how far orgasm denial has taken me that I actually had to think about it for a second. Three months ago, the option of not coming would have seemed very strange to me. Now, I find myself more than willing to trade the momentary intense pleasure of orgasm for the long burn of denial-driven frustration and basking in the reflected glow of her pleasure. But yeah, I came anyway. Unlike last time, it was good. Really good. Not head-exploding good, but pretty damned good just the same. Afterwards, I pulled off the spent condom, tied it off like a water balloon, and was surprised at the volume of ejaculate it contained. Man, that was a lot of little swimmers.

Yesterday was a good day. Belle and I were really into each other all day. She was giving me long looks and saying nice things and I was loving the attention and looking forward to pawing her that night. Once the kids were down and out, the pawing commenced. I asked to be able to pleasure her with the cock again and, while puting on the condom (we bought more of the latex variety), made the offhand remark that it had been a while since I had to deal with the things.

If you’ve read this blog for a while or spent time reading the old entires, you’ll know that this past summer Belle and I went though a difficult period in our marriage. In short, I cheated on her. We both agree that we should share the blame for allowing our marriage to get to a state where that kind of thing was even possible, but I was the one who cheated and therefore am the one who bears more of the blame. While we’ve come a remarkable way from those days, the pain I caused her occasionally surfaces, as it did with my seemingly innocent remark about using condoms. She immediately deduced (correctly) that I did not use a condom during my affair. I can explain why I chose not to, though it’s not important to this story and will only sound like I’m defending myself.

Belle did not stop me when my comment suddenly opened up the old hurt and anger. I was in her and doing my best to pleasure her when I felt something wasn’t right. I stopped, we talked, I apologized for the millionth time. I think she felt bad that her feelings got in the way of our moment, but I tried to tell her she shouldn’t. How could they not? Her feelings are more than valid and if anyone should feel bad, it should be me. In any event, we were able to get past it and she allowed me to bring her to climax manually.

As she approached her orgasm, I again felt the sympathetic vibrations within me and heard the little whimpering moans coming from my throat. I simultaneously relish and dread the moment of her orgasm. I’m allowed a fractional share of her pleasure but, shortly after, my access to her body comes to an end. Perhaps it was the earlier penetration, but for some reason I found myself hornier than I would have expected just 24 hours after my own release. She told me it would be a while before I was allowed to come, if for no other reason, because she’s leaving the country for a week starting next weekend. I asked if she was going to take the little vibrator, Pink, with her. Yes, she is.

If any part of me was coming off the hormonal edge, the sudden and crystal thought of her pleasuring herself on the other side of the world with Pink while I was hard, horny, and denied here at home had me instantly hard and miserably flooded with desire for her. Even now as I write this, I find myself in a state of excited frustration more suited to three weeks without release, not three days. Exacerbating this is Belle’s promise to let me know each time she comes while she’s gone. Due to the time difference, I imagine I’ll be in an afternoon meeting when I receive a text message from her with the news. She’ll be basking while I’ll be squirming. Not fair. Wonderfully, gloriously, not fair.

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Three nights

Saturday
Following the pathetic squirt, I got my mulligan. Belle strapped me to the bed and used her nails and teeth on me. Only the second time being tied down, I can report still thinking it’s pretty great. At one point, the cock became turgid and she remarked, “God, you really do like this!”

As before, I never got really hard from what she was doing, but I enjoyed most of it. The nails on my ass and digging into my scrotum were awesome, but raking them across my chest not so much. As we’re figuring this out, it’s interesting to me to find that some sensations are good only in certain places.  I regret that she didn’t bring the flogger out, and afterward, so did she. Anyway, she was absolutely vicious with my nipples. So wickedly cruel, in fact, that I had to ask her to stop, which is a first. Damn near twisted the things right off. They stung for 24 hours. Delicious.

She let me jerk off when she was done, but unlike the night before, I could never get there. I really wanted to, but the damned piercing was bugging me again. Not hurting as much as just feeling weird and not right. I can only assume this is part of the healing process and that it won’t feel weird forever. In any event, I did not come. As I went to soak the piercing later I found I had leaked precum, but through the little pierced hole, not the one on the end of the cock. I went to bed frustrated.

Sunday
We spent the afternoon and evening at a family holiday party at Belle’s uncle’s house. She had more than her fair share of wine and, in the car on the drive home with the kids in the back seat, started drawing letters on the top of my hand resting on the shifter.

P, I, N, K

Pink? Oh! Pink, the vibrator. Cool, she wanted me to use Pink on her when we got home. We’ll see if she falls asleep first, I thought.

P, I, N, K, O, R, C…

Pink orc? Huh. Does she want to watch Lord of the Rings while I get her off? I shook my head indicating I wasn’t reading her.

P, I, N, K – yeah, got that – O, R, C…

“Orc?” I said. She shook her head. Our exit was about a mile off at this point, so I told her to just wait.

Turns out, she was trying to tell me she wanted Pink or the cock, she just never got past the C before I gave her a weird look. In bed, she decided on Pink, not the cock (sigh) since, she informed me, tonight it was all about her. Working her nipples with my mouth and left hand, I ran Pink over her clit with my right. Her moaning and gyrating hips encouraged me to fuck her with it and she shortly came to a quiet yet intense climax. With the cock hard and pressed against her, she pulled down her top, pulled up her bottoms, rolled over and went to sleep. I’m not even sure she said thanks.

Monday
Laying in bed. After some talking, she tells me to get under the sheets and get naked (since I’m always supposed to be naked in bed). She starts to rub the underside of the cock, pressing it into my stomach. It’s getting harder and I’m making little moaning sounds. “Quiet,” she says. “No sounds.”

Oh, god. I’m normally pretty vocal in these kinds of situations and suddenly finding myself having to bottle it all up was infuriating. The simple sensation of her rubbing the cock on just one side with only two fingers seemed to multiply in its intensity. After a few minutes of this I realized it might actually make me come and the tiniest little Whoville squeak leaked out of me. She immediately withdrew her hand leaving me hard and throbbing. My fun was over. Now I know the rules to that game.

Feeling pretty turned on, I rubbed my hand across her shirt and felt the hardening little nub of her nipple.

“Did you ask permission to do that?”

“Can I please touch you?”

“What do you say?”

I said our agreed-upon phrase that reinforces her dominant position in our sexual relationship and she pulled her pajama top up and assumed the now-familiar “serve me” position.

Again, it was all about her. I used my hands this time, not Pink. Her pussy was incredibly wet and the cock between my legs pulsed with the memory of sliding into it. After she came, I laid with my head on her chest and told her how badly I wanted to fuck her. She pulled down her top and pulled up her bottoms and told me I could touch myself, but not come.

As soon as I wrapped my hand around the hard cock, I knew – I knew – that this time, I could get there. But it was not to be. Not tonight, anyway. So I laid there and stroked while she rolled over and went to sleep.

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FLR, not so much

In the beginning, my kink seemed simple: Belle should control my orgasms and occasionally tie me to the bed and rough me up. As is my wont, I dove head-first into all teh interwebs had to offer regarding anything and everything even remotely related to these subjects. I had no vocabulary with which to describe what I was thinking, so I found myself adopting the words of others (hey, it’s what we humans do). Not only that, but I found myself drifting from the relatively simple desires that got me started looking in the first place. The vast majority of blogs I found at first were written by men who not only abdicated control of their orgasms to their partners, but who also seemed to want to abdicate all control to them. The concept of “female-led relationship” entered my thinking.

FLR and what I wanted have a lot in common, but also some significant differences. First, there is no bondage or sadism inherent in FLR (at least not from what I can see). Instead, those who get off on FLR are pulling energy from the total imbalance of power in their relationship. The woman controls all. Everything he does centers around serving her. You could say this has a sadistic flavor to it, but I like pain that’s physical rather than mental (which is not to say FLR men are suffering mentally or anything). I do want Belle to have control, but just over my cock. I do want to do things for her, but not at her command. I do want to make her happy, but I want to be happy, too.

In truth, being the kind of person Belle’d need to be to pull off an FLR relationship isn’t her cup of tea. She’s just not wired that way. And really, I’m not either. There are times when the hormones are surging that I’ll do anything she wants. Those are good times. I happily service her in whatever way she requires (sexually or domestically or whatever). However, there are also times I just want to sit downstairs and play video games, even after two and a half weeks without coming. The few times she’s tried to command me (tell me to do something rather than ask), I’ve felt an internal wall come up. I guess I resent anyone telling me what to do, even she who controls my penis. Now, if she wants to predicate my sexual release on some totally unrelated task, fine. But bossing me around the house? No thanks.

There’s a larger point here. I’m just not interested in exchanging all the power in our relationship. When we’re approaching sex, YES, I want that. When we’re making dinner, no, I don’t. She can put a collar on me and make me kneel and suck her toes all she wants, but I’m not really interested in having each and every thing I do sexualized (nor has she demonstrated an interest in that). I think we could do it over short periods (an evening or over a day or two) but, really, 24/7? God, that’d be so much damned work for both of us. And I guess that’s where I draw the line between what I want from Belle and whatever FLR is. I read FLR as a 24/7 thing where the man is always and obviously beneath the woman. I’m perfectly happy doing the FLR thing as a scene, but not as a lifestyle choice.

So we’re back where we started. I want Belle to control my orgasms and occasionally tie me to the bed and rough me up. There are other things, too, but that’s the meat of my kink. Even though I have no idea what to call it (other than by the names of its component pieces), trying to over-analyze, over-define, or over-structure it is unproductive for both of us.

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Well, that sucked

Nineteen days of orgasmless existence came to an end this morning with a pathetic squirt. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

It all started in the dark at about 4:30 when my Belle Fille woke me up asking if I was interested in sex. “Ermph?” I replied. I had made my advances the night before since it had been an even numbered day since my last orgasm and she had previously expressed an preference for non-odd numbered days. However, “nineteen” is also the title of a song Belle liked in high school, so we were going to wait until the 19th day. Yeah, super. OK. Let’s wait! I’m sorry, what was I saying about wanting her to be capricious?

<clenched teeth>Good night, sweetie.</clenched teeth>

Flash forward six and a half hours to her proposition. Seriously, now!? It’s the middle of the night. Well, let’s not look this gift-wife in the mouth.

I did my dead-level best. I’m not sure I was even awake for most of it, but I did manage to get her off by going down on her. And here, guys, I have to make a confession. Even after nineteen days, I more than half hoped she’d let me roll off and go back to sleep. Yeah, I was hard and she was ready, but this was going to be not just the first time in almost three weeks, but the very first time with steel installed through my unit. But no, she wanted me to go. The reptile in me seized the moment and told the fluffy bunny to fuck off as I groped around for the condom package in the nightstand.

According to my piercer, I need to use a condom for about 6-8 weeks. At my current rate of consumption, I’ll burn through exactly two rubbers in that time. Now, it’s been a while since I used one of these things. Shopping for them is a little different than in the old days. Instead of picking them up in a greasy gas station convenience store, I made my selection while standing in the wide and well-lit aisle of our local Target superstore while moms with toddlers pushed carts full of Christmas toys and toilet paper nearby.  Before me was a six by twenty foot cornucopia of brightly colored prophylactic boxes. Ribbed, studded, spermicidal, thin, ultra thin, and magnum – all available in quantities from three to ninety-six from three different manufacturers. I was overwhelmed. Who the hell needs dozens of condoms, anyway? These things do expire, right? Halloween’s over, so passing them out to trick-or-treaters couldn’t be it. Perhaps they were intended for fall-out shelters or the nightstands of terribly lucky and/or delusional men.

Anyway, up on the top shelf in a little black box with a sheep’s head on it was a pack of three condoms apparently made from the intestine of the aforementioned animal. The writing on the box said these all-natural contrivances were the very thinnest and allowed for the most sensation for the discriminating gentleman (who might also have a latex allergy). They were roughly three times more expensive than their non-animal-based counterparts, and I’m just shallow enough to equate price with quality, so I bought them.

As it slid wetly out of its torn little envelope there in the inky blackness of our bedroom this morning, it occurred to me that it felt entirely unlike a mass-produced marvel of modern petrochemical manufacturing. Instead, it felt like rolled up skin. Rather than stop and consider what I was about to put on myself and risk the blood in my swollen member rushing off to some quiet, out of the way capillary where it could go back to doing what the rest of my body wanted to do, I sallied forth and unrolled the cold, wet, skin-like animal byproduct onto my sex.

The sheep on the package could just have well stood for a wool sock since that’s what it felt like I had on my dick as I entered Belle. I felt warmth and pressure, but couldn’t really tell how much of me was in her at any given point. Maybe the sheep my condom had come from had unnaturally thick intestinal walls. In any event, it didn’t really matter since the curved barbell in the head of my cock slid back and forth and pulled uncomfortably on its still-healing hole. I had to withdraw, but was pleased to release my manhood from it’s sheepy sensory deprevation chamber. One might think I felt sad that the sheep’s life was thusly wasted on my unchristened condom, but one would not only be wrong but one might also be freakishly obsessed with the rights of thick-intestined farm animals.

Once the intestine was off, Belle let me masturbate. Honestly, I should have stopped and just gone to sleep, but I felt I had gone that far and, with the ghost of Wooly the Sheep hanging over the bed, I wanked my meat. Normally, I like to alternate from the base of my shaft to the head, but the area I like to rapidly stimulate is currently healing, so I could only stroke the bottom two-thirds of the cock. Eventually, I coaxed it to give up the semen. It didn’t feel good at all – it felt like a hell of a lot of work. Its volume was unremarkable which, in itself, is somewhat remarkable considering how long it had been. But no, it wasn’t fireworks and earthquake stuff. My cranium did not explode. I did not see lights. Instead, the orgasm weakly flung itself onto my stomach, barely making it over my belly button.

I felt like the guy who sat through a joke he’s already heard, but told with an overly long set up and a bungled punch-line. I’m hoping Belle isn’t too tired tonight because I’d like to call a mulligan and get my do-over.

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XVII

Seventeen days since my last orgasm. I thought I’d get a little something last night, but no luck. Belle started to jerk me off, but it bothered the piercing and we had to stop. That sucked. Then tonight, she started again. I think it would have worked, except all she wanted to do was tease me. I asked her when I was going to come and she said soon, but not today. Today was an odd numbered day (17) and she liked even numbers. Super.

The piercing is coming along nicely. The swelling it almost totally gone and the color is back to normal. There is still tenderness around the new hole, but it seems to be able to take a little more abuse than the other night when she aggravated it by accident. I know Belle said she didn’t want to risk penetrative activity with it, but I think that would actually be easier on it than a hand job at this point (especially since I’m supposed to wear a condom for the next six weeks or so). I’m counting on the knowledge that she wants the cock really bad right now and will give in tomorrow night.

Currently, I’m semierect and thinking about surfing for porn and edging myself, but I’m afraid even a little stroking will bring me to climax fairly easily. I can’t come (or not come) this far only to blow it by jizzing all over my Macbook.

That said, I’m really interested in experiencing the sensation of fucking and coming with metal in my dick. Earlier, when I was hard, I played around with the ball sticking out my urethra and have to admit it felt awesome. Just flicking it on the end sent some very interesting vibrations though the head of my cock. I still experience pain sometimes when urinating, so I’m a little concerned that my first orgams in who-the-fuck-knows how long will actually hurt, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Who knows, maybe it’ll end up being my first ruined orgasm.

OK, time to try sleeping again.

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A wolf in wolf’s clothing

Being up over two weeks without sexual release for the first time ever is starting to gnaw at me (sixteen days, but who’s counting…oh, yeah, I’M counting). I wake up with a serious case of the carnivorous butterflies every morning and find myself kinda jumpy and buzzy at different points during the day. I have a feeling Belle’s craving a little bunny lovin’ herself, but what with Mr. Winky currently in recovery mode, there’s no hope of getting him wet in the foreseeable future.

This morning my urges were so powerful they stopped being about having sex, per se, and were more about just consuming her. I wanted to simultaneously bite her, envelope her entire body in mine, crush her in my arms, and just fuck the holy hell out whatever was left. It was all very reptilian. Of course, I didn’t do any of those things. I tried my very best to remain the sweet and gentle mate she requires me to be.

And that, my friends, is where a lot of this orgasm denial stuff trips my trigger. My animalistic, testosterone-soaked hunk of burning love being smothered by the cool cascade of her feminine power. I’m all strain and frustration and spring-loaded desire and she lies there exuding collected calmness and just smiles at me. If we were cartoon characters, she’d be a sexy sheep striking a Mae West pose and I’d be a wolf with a steam whistle blowing out of his raggedy top hat.

Belle tells me she might allow me to come to orgasm tonight, but only if the piercing looks and feels better and only through manual stimulation. No penetration. My mouth goes dry at the thought. I so badly want to come but I also so badly want to fuck her that I may – impossibly – keep waiting until the new hole in my dick heals more completely. Pardon me while I go curl up in the corner and softly whine to myself.

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One fortnight

I nearly forgot to mention that today marks two weeks since my last orgasm, a new record by four days with no relief in sight. I’m surprised at how calm I am in the face of what is easily the longest I’ve gone without ejaculation since I’ve been able to perform the feat. My attitude is undoubtedly a side effect of the still-fresh hole in my dick.

Since we’re on the topic, I can report that the hole hurts. Or rather, the area in my urethra through which the stainless steel bar passes is very sore. The flesh on the bottom of the head of my penis is slightly swollen and pink(er). Urinating causes a burning sensation and is somewhat harder than usual since, I assume, it has to pass through the swollen, crowded tube. The swelling and pain did not appear until the day after Belle jacked me off. I think, in retrospect, that was slightly more action than I was ready for. All the swelling and pain is slightly better today than it was yesterday, though. I’m doing my salt water soaks twice a day as proscribed. Updating my Facebook status to “is going to soak his penis” crossed my mind earlier this evening, but I thought better of it. Anyway, it is healing, but much more slowly than I’d prefer. Wednesday will be a week since the piercing and Belle tells me that’s the very earliest I’ll be allowed release.

Yesterday, I experienced a new thing. Semen leaked from me off and on throughout the day. I’m assuming that’s my prostate expelling all that unneeded ammo it’s been sitting on for 14 days. It was somewhat sad and depressing seeing those sorry little hard stains in my underwear.

Come on, cells, heal. Heal, damn it, HEAL.

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626 v. 217

Over on The Glow Inside, I found this entry linking to one of those silly web quizzes that tells you something about yourself. Specifically, it attempts to quantify one’s sexual perversions and render a kinkiness score. My favorite of these kinds of things is this old chestnut that supposedly tells you how gay you are. According to a British television network, I am fairly gay, but my score seems to fluctuate wildly. Seems to me, the best way to find out how gay you are (as a male) is to ask how much you like sucking a cock or having it up your ass, but what do I know? That’d make for a pretty short quiz, I suppose.

In any event, Belle and I took the kink test. I scored somewhat higher than I expected with a 626 out of 1000 (a “Major League Kinkster”, apparently). It’s true that there are few things I’m not willing to try or are interested in, but my practical experience in many of them is limited. Guess I got a bunch of “A for effort”-type credit. I wasn’t sure Belle’d break 100, but she scored a whopping 217 which, they say, sweetly hints at her kinky nature. Belle’s immediate comment was, “Why are we together?” but I was really pretty enthused. I mean, sweetly hinting at a kinky side? Sounds good to me. At least there is a kinky side, right? Could have been a lot worse.

Oh, and by the way, we’re together because I’m deeply in love with her and can’t imagine being anywhere else. So there.

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Pushy bunny

I got Belle a copy of The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelei. It was well-reviewed on Amazon and it’s just my thing to buy a lot of books whenever I’m trying to to grok a new subject, but it’s been sitting on Belle’s nightstand uncracked since it arrived so yesterday I picked it up and started reading it.

Mistress Lorelei suggested I stop. At least, to stop before I got to the juicy stuff. OK, I figured, I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise. But I was able to get through enough to know Belle’s not going to like some of what she has to say. First of all, Lorelei talks a lot about “sissy maids”. As I’ve said, I am not a sissy, do not want to become or be turned into one, and, in general, am not interested in doing all the housework (nor is she interested in me being a sissy). In addition to lauding the benefits of the live-in sissy maid, Lorelei also discusses the joys of dressing your guysub (her word – hadn’t seen that form of the term before) in women’s clothing (specifically, underwear). Again, not burning with a desire to wear lacy panties and Belle’s never suggested I should. We don’t have a problem with guys who do, but it’s not an idea that trips either of our triggers. However…

Mistress Lorelei did help my thoughts coalesce around something I had not been able to put words around previously. While I’m not interested in doing all the chores, wearing panties, or otherwise being emasculated, I am turned on by Belle making me perform tasks or putting me in situations I’d never embrace on my own. I like the idea of her pushing me beyond where I’m comfortable. For example, when she forced me to eat my own come. Yes, eating come (my own included) turns me on, but it’s only a turn-on for me while I’m turned on. Approximately .25 seconds after it comes out of my body, the idea of eating it is about as arousing as is the idea of eating snot. She didn’t just ask me to eat it, though, she made me by smearing it over my lips. It was a marvelous moment where she spontaneously asserted her dominant prerogative. It was awesome and it’s one my favorite memories from our recent past.

This concept intersected with our life last night. Belle had already told me I was not going to service her, but she was being very generous with her attention towards me. She was clawing my ass, pinching my nipples, and jacking the cock (while avoiding the still-tender piercing). It was heavenly. I had asked (begged, really) to be allowed to go down on her, and she refused. Then, as she was biting and sucking on my neck (and leaving a nice little trail of marks down to my shoulder), the intensity of the feelings got to me and I begged to be able to do anything at all to her. I guess I didn’t really think she would let me, but I really, really wanted to and also wanted to hear her refuse me again. However, it didn’t turn out that way. She got pissed. Felt I was trying to control the action. I apologized and did my best grovelling bit, but she was fairly nonplussed. After she chewed me out for a while, accompanied by my continued pleas for mercy, she decided I had ruined the moment and would have to massage her feet with lotion before she went to sleep (which, you know, wasn’t all that bad either).

She may have been right. I may have been trying to steer the ship. It’s not uncommon for me to achieve a nice subbie headspace after we get started, but it’s not usually the case that I’m feeling submissive before we get going. Had I been grooving the guysub space, I don’t think I would have continued to beg her for access to her body. I might have tried once, but she was being pretty firm with her refusal. I doubt I would have pushed it. Maybe that little voice in my head that hoped she would capitulate and let me go down on her was playing a bigger role than I thought. Had she directed me to leave my comfort zone beforehand – to jump-start my submissive tendencies – I probably wouldn’t have pushed her so hard.

So, to tie all this together, I had never really appreciated why dommes made their subs do things like kneel or kiss their feet before a scene. Since I didn’t feel a terrific desire to bow before Belle or worship her feet (not, at least, until getting warmed up a bit), I figured that her forcing me to do them wouldn’t find a place in our relationship. In fact, I continue to think too much about my interests and desires. No, I don’t instinctively want to bow to her, so she should make me do it. Since sucking on her toes is usually something I need to warm up for, she should make me do it before anything else. We both need strategies that will allow her to assert her dominance, not for my pleasure, but to ensure I don’t usurp her authority.

Because of last night, there’s a phrase that reiterates our power-sharing arrangment that she’s requiring me to say before I’m allowed to do anything with her. At first, I felt silly and somewhat embarrassed saying it, but by about the third time it came out of my mouth, it sank in as to why I needed to say it. And, in turn, why I needed to write this.