I was thinking last night after one or another of the dogs decided that 1:04 AM was exactly the right time to get up and take a piss in the back yard that at some point my natural reaction to being incredibly horny went away. Well, perhaps not went away, but…transformed. I’d like to imagine that it was like a switch getting flipped but that’s not how being kept changes one’s base code. It’s less a sudden transformation and more a slow and gradual thing. Like when Titanic pulled away from the dock in Southampton and got ever so smaller the longer one looked at it until it disappeared, a small black dot on the horizon. Poof.
I’ve spent many a night struggling with the affects of being kept (remember, that’s the word we’re using now). Very early on, I wasn’t always even locked up. Belle would let me lay there in bed next to her while she slept and edge myself over and over leaking copious amounts of oozing ejaculate. Then, when we progressed to me being locked more often than not, I’d feel the tube of the Steelheart fill and tighten, then loosen, only to repeat again and again like the waves on a beach driven by the tidal force of my erotic imagination. And I can recall how my lizard brain would poke and prod.
*poke* You should jack off.
No.
*poke poke* Really, jacking off would make you feel better.
…no.
*poke poke* Look at the time. You know where the key is. You need to sleep. Jack off and you will.
…whimper.
*POKEPOKEPOKE* JACK THE FUCK OFF *POKE* ASSHOLE *POKE* WE BOTH NEED THIS. *POKEPOKEPOKE*
I mean, that’s natural. It’s how things are supposed to work in a penis-having person. You get horny and, absent a willing sex partner, you beat it. And to be fair, before being kept I would only get maybe 5% as turned on before taking matters into my own hands. Absolute tops, 10-15% and that was when I was looking at porn and trying to get all hot and bothered. I didn’t know anything about what being truly, deeply, profoundly horny was really like. Not the neither-of-us-is-even-sure-I’ve-come-this-year-yet kind of fucking goddamned horny. The kind that makes its own gravity well and light can’t escape it.
Of course, I’m not always like that. It comes and goes. Like the moon cycles or something. But when it comes, hoo boy.
And honestly, it’s the hardest part about being kept. I’ve more or less come to accept it now and know what it’ll be like the next day and know the absolute minimum amount of sleep I need to be marginally functional after. But it’s still hard. It’s the loneliest part of what’s hard about being kept. The occasional sleeplessness.
But this isn’t about that. It’s about how I deal with it. And, as I said, in the past an overwhelming desire to jack off was the most frustrating part. My body knew how to eliminate the feelings I was having and couldn’t figure out why my brain was refusing to accept its advice. There was a day when that urge to masturbate was like Rose on the prow of the great ship, held up by Jack, arms out, music swelling in the background. Then one day she was in the icy water, kicking Jack off (get it? Jack…off?) the bit of jetsam clearly large enough for both of them. Rejected, he drowned. Sunk to the bottom of the sea.
Whoa, this metaphor. (And yeah, I know, Jack left her, but my metaphor works better the other way around.)
Anyway, yeah, that desire to slink off and abuse myself for relief of late night horniness is dead and gone. I still want to jack off just sort of generally. But I don’t consider it as an option when pressed. The desire doesn’t consume me. It feels like the part of me that used to poke at my brain and push that option is just a stump. Unable to make contact.
So I just lay there and try my hardest not to let my imagination run crazy. Which is pointless and when it inevitably does it’s important to point out not a single of my fantasies involves me getting off. Quite the opposite. They’re all about further frustration. Being further tormented without release. I never, ever have any sexual fantasies about penetrating another person. About enjoying them sexually. They’re all about the exact opposite. That’s…significant. That’s what being kept can do to rewrite the base code of a penis-having person. The package locked away burns with desire of release, my balls aching and heavy, but those inputs have lost their receptors in my brain.
I’ve learned the only way to deal with being kept and surreally horny is to simply let the reality of the situation be there with me. I need to accept it. Not fight it. Not stress about it. Not worry. It just is. How I asked for things to be. How I want them to be. Obviously, how they’re meant to be.