This post by Aarkey, and the discussion that follows, really speaks to me at the moment. Sometimes, it’s good to feel unique. Other times, it’s good to know you’re not.
Control
There’s a spot in my chest, just to the left of dead center, where I experience the most twiggy, wiggy, warm, and lovely sensation. It feels like a piece of me about the size of my fist, somewhere deep inside, becomes less dense than the rest of me. It’s an airy, lifty kind of feeling. It’s where the fluttering carnivorous butterflies roost. I’ve come to crave that feeling. Call it the feeling of being controlled, denied, submissive, or all of them rolled together. Whatever. I’m feeling it now and it’s wonderful.
It’s been nearly a month since I last felt it like this. A month with crossed wires, illness, awkwardness, and absence. A month where I felt little flickers of the feeling, but nothing that kindled and flared like right now. I’ve read backward on this blog to try to find the moment where the feeling started to diminish. As far as I can tell, it was when Belle released me from the chastity device.
So, doing what I do, I think about this. What does the device represent? Denial, bondage, frustration, discomfort, and sometimes even embarrassment or humiliation. But ultimately, what it represents is control. Her control over that part of me that I ceded to her. At the end of the day, what I crave more than anything is that feeling of her control.
My Belle is such a caring and giving person, I think it’s sometimes hard for her to treat me in a way that best represents her right to control me (or, at least, the way I’d prefer she treat me). She gives me choices when I’d rather not have them. She asks how I’m feeling in a way that suggests a level of concern and maybe even worry I wish she didn’t have. In short, she’s just not mean enough about it. The chastity device, however, has no qualms about its job. It is always impassively cruel. It hurts, gets in the way, complicates my life, and frustrates the living hell out of me. It is the bad cop to Belle’s good cop. It does the dirty work for her and it’s with me every hour of every day. Remove the device, and then it’s all up to her.
And she’s very lenient. Last time she let me out, she gave me blanket permission to play with her property (but, of course, not to go all the way to actual orgasm). I ran with that. Whenever I had a chance, I’d rub it, stroke it, edge myself, and even go so far as to abandon some orgasms. I did not (until that one morning after our miscommunication) ever go so far as to actually achieve orgasm, but I went right up to that line – as close as a guy can. According to much of the femdom literature on the web (example), it’s the man’s excessive use of masturbation that limits his ability to properly serve his woman. I want to feel that on some level that’s a crock of shit, but for me, I know it’s true. When I feel this little knot of airy submissiveness in my chest, I crave opportunity to serve her (preferably sexually, but in all kinds of other ways I never though I would). And I am really and truly happy. But it’s not masturbation in the sense I’d define it that’s the problem (that is, jerking off until I come). It’s just having access to the plaything, and taking advantage of that access, that starts to bleed off my submissive energy.
And that gets us back to the CB6K. Maybe it’s because I’ve become so used to no longer having orgasms in anything like the frequency of the past, but being denied the feeling of a fat, hard cock in my hand is harder to deal with than not being able to pull on it until it squirts. That lack of access, of craving a full and satisfying erection, is what stokes the feeling I love so much. It’s the ultimate irony and the single most difficult aspect of all this for Belle to understand, it think. I derive pleasure and happiness from the searing physic pain of being forced to submit to her control.
I’m not sure what any of this means from a practical perspective. I suppose I’m arguing that she should leave me locked up more often than not. That she should let me out when she wants to feel a real cock inside her or wants me to come, but otherwise keep it encased. Or, when it’s not protected, that she forbid me to use it in any way that gives me pleasure outside her company. Sort of move the denial goal posts back a bit, if you will. In any event, I think I’ve identified the single ingredient that creates that happy little spot in my soul.
Absolute, smothering, unquestionable control.
Unwired
I cut the wire off. The pain was getting worse and more frequent so I didn’t really have much choice. I’m pretty sure I know what happened, though. I’m currently wearing a 6ga segment ring in my PA instead of my old 8ga captive ball ring. The segment ring, when assembled, looks like a continuous and (mostly) smooth ring. In the case of mine (and maybe all of them) there remains a very small gap between the segment and the ring into which it snaps. While the ring is in, it rotates freely through the piercing. Sometimes the segment disappears into the head of the cock, sometimes it’s visible.
Well, what I think happened was that the gap between the segment and the ring, when rotated into the head of the dick, was being pulled against the incredibly sensitive tissue in there when the shaft was trying to retract. The edges of the ring are actually pretty sharp (sharper than they appear in the picture). I wasn’t being pinched as much as I was getting cut. Owie. So anyway, the wire’s off and I haven’t felt anything except during the night and this morning when I was fully engorged (“erect” doesn’t seem like the right word). Well see how the day goes. Belle (and the key) gets back Monday night. If I feel like I need to remove the ring, I’ll need to stage a breakout from the CB6K. I really have no idea if I can get the entire thing off when it’s locked. Hopefully, I won’t need to find out.
In the future, I’ll either need to make the wire a little longer so it doesn’t pull at all or I’ll need to get a 6ga captive ball ring. On the one hand, it won’t have any exposed sharp edges like the segment does, but on the other hand, the ball will keep everything from moving as freely and will eat up just that much more internal volume from the tube (which already gets a little crowded). I won’t be trying anything for at least a week, though. Even if I’m not dealing with little cuts and it’s only abraded and raw, I need time to heal.
Pinch pinch
Well, maybe I spoke too soon when I gave my homebrew PA cable the old Thumper seal of approval. Today, I’m getting sporadic, intense pinching sensations from the area around the piercing. Like right now ouch ouch ouchouchOUCH!
OK, it stopped. Kinda. I think this is being caused by one of two things. It could be that the piercing is being aggravated by some pulling. Even though it has a lot more leeway from the cable sliding in and out of the tube, there is still a minor amount of pulling. If the cable went in about a quarter inch more, it’d be better. The other, and I think more likely, option is that the segment ring is pinching some of my skin on the little lip caused by the flared “penis head” shape of the CB-6000 tube. Once in a while, this area swells a little while I’m locked up and I’m experiencing that now. This pinching is not a new sensation. I’ve felt it occasionally when wearing a curved bar bell, but it’s always passed fairly quickly. Now, though, it appears as though the wire holding the ring will allow it to retreat just enough to pinch a wad skin on that little ridge – and hold it there. In any event, this is not the good kind of pain. It’s the “oh Jesus, get this thing off of me” kind of pain. I’m going to give it to the end of the day and see if it gets better. I might have to cut the wire off. That would suck, big time.
Meanwhile, I’m horny as a phrynosoma platyrhinos. Once the offspring were down for the count last night, I spent the better part of the evening reading chastity and denial porn (which, by the way, is even more formulaic than normal porn) and otherwise making myself hot and bothered. When I’m alone like that, I feel as though I can get myself so turned on than I could ignite a match just by holding it between my fingers. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I think the new cable actually enhanced my arousal. In the past, I’ve always known in the back of my mind that I was choosing to leave the device in place, but now I know that I have no choice at all. It’s way. Fucking. Hotter.
Eventually, I decided to try to sleep (since, of course, I was never going to be able to alleviate my condition) and I just laid there, tossing and turning. I was afraid of repeating that horrible night last time Belle was absent when my abject horniness kept me awake for a day and a half, but, with the help of my iPhone and a relaxing noise generator app, eventually drifted off. My sleep was fitfull. The CB6K seemed to be straining all night long. Regardless, I know I’ll do it to myself all over again tonight.
Wired
A while back, I got a PA security cable from Kept For Her. As I said at the time, I couldn’t wear it due to the stress it put on my piercing by keeping the cock fully extended to the end of the CB6K’s tube. However, the thought of finding a way to make my incarceration undefeatable has stuck with me. Actually, it’s less of a thought and more of an obsession.
But why? I’ve taken umbrage against those who feel the need to have a perfectly secure way to lock up cocks. I’ve said, and still feel, the number one most effective security device when it comes to controlling the orgasms of any man in between his ears. Everything else is just window dressing. I don’t need my chastity device to keep from coming, but I like wearing it for other reasons (mostly having to do with my bondage kink). So no, I haven’t remained obsessed with higher security chastity because I can’t be controlled, but because I find it incredibly fucking hot.
As I mentioned, the biggest problem I found with KFH’s cable is that it held my captive ball ring in place way down at the end of the CB6K, even when the cock it was pierced through wanted to move up and down the tube. Normal penis movement is managed through the contraction and release of a ligament, so it can really start to pull and get very uncomfortable. Any man who’s been in a CB-X000 device knows his meat shortens and lengthens leaving the tube sometimes full (even without an erection) and sometimes only half-full (or even less).
So I wondered what would happen if the cable used to secure the ring were longer and could withdraw into the tube as the penis it was tending pulled back. Since the KFH’s cable is too thick to bend, I, in my very best imitation of Tom Allen, took off to my local Home Depot.
I procured two options, both in the picture hanging section. The first is called “invisible wire” and is basically a thick plastic filament. The other is 30 lbs. coated picture wire. I was unwilling to open either package in the store to find out their bendability, so decided to buy them both. Upon opening the invisible wire, I found it to be very stiff – even stiffer than than the KFH cable. There’s no way it would be able to go up the tube. The coated picture wire, though, was very bendable. Not so flexible that it would, all by itself, bend through the CB6K’s slot as the penis pulled it back, but it’s very good at holding a bend and isn’t too thick to fit inside the slot.
The other thingamajig I picked up were aluminum ferrules to secure the loops on each end that hook on to the padlock. The KFH cable uses thinner brass ferrules to secure their loops, but I couldn’t find those at Home Depot. I would have preferred them since they’re quite a bit thinner than the aluminum ones I got, but the Home Depot version isn’t so much bigger that it makes much difference.
The KFH cable, it turns out, is about the right length for what I wanted. At first, I assumed I’d need something longer, but all that extra cable just gets caught and otherwise in the way. My second attempt was almost exactly the same length as KPH’s design. I threaded the cable through the ferrules, and then back through them again to make a loop, crimped them shut with Vice Grips, and cut off the excess. When inserted through my PA’s 6ga segment ring and bent around the ring so it’s able to enter the slot and extend into the tube by about half an inch, it’s just about perfect. When the dick moves down or I’m hard, the cable slides out. When the dick retracts, the cable slides in. I hardly know it’s there. Total cost, less than $5.
Now, the CB6K is absolutely secure. There’s no way whatsoever for me to defeat it, short of cutting the wire and then pulling out. Since I’m only at day two of my current stint, I haven’t felt that urge to claw at the device yet, but I can already feel little electric thrills run through me when I stop and consider there’s no way to get it off.
Yeah, that’s hot.
Click
This morning, Belle put me back in the plastic. She’s off again to spend a long weekend with girlfriends in San Francisco and decided I would not have access to the cock while she was gone. In fact, she’s decided I won’t get to touch it until her birthday at the end of the month when she and I spend a few nights in a quaint B&B.
I haven’t been writing much because I’m not exactly sure what I would have been writing about. The dynamic has more or less slipped away for me since even before the unexpected turn. In pondering this, I think it’s because I stopped believing that Belle really wanted to dominate me. I’m not the kind of guy who wants to be submissive so badly that I’m able to suspend disbelief and project onto her an interest in dominance that’s not there. Once I doubted her motivation, the foundation just crumbled away on my side.
We had a chat about this the other night. I wanted to know what the status was from her perspective. Were we still playing with the D/s? She surprised me by responding that, as far as she was concerned, we were. Nothing had changed. Of course, lots had changed. My entire demeanor had changed, but she was operating under the assumption that we were still doing it. True, she had denied me orgasm twice in the recent past, but I had also come about three times. I didn’t feel denied or dominated. Nor did she talk or act like she was dominating me. After giving her an orgasm one night, she told me to roll the dice to see if I got to come. Odd, I wouldn’t, even, it would be my choice. My choice. I don’t want a stinking choice. I’m happy to submit to the whim of the dice if that’s what she wants, but make it a binary outcome, not a choice (turned out to be an 11, so the crisis of decision was averted). Also, she stopped telling me to sleep naked and started saying I could if I wanted to. Funny thing is, I almost always do want to, except when she says it’s my choice. Then I don’t.
I am undeterred. Even though we’ve been though this weird patch, I’m willing to chalk it up to her being very busy at work and our generally learning how to do this from scratch. In fact, I haven’t come in a week now and am starting to feel the need. On top of that, she’s locked me up and is carrying my key around her neck. I face the prospect of not having another orgasm for nearly a month. I feel an upswing is in the air. Or maybe that’s spring. Whichever, I’m still optimistic.