Further heretical musings

Belle’s back, so all’s right in the world and order has been restored. We had a lovely time last night talking, not about anything specific, just stuff. My libido is in neutral since she’s got her period and isn’t much interested in anything, though I can feel it rumble a little way down deep when I kiss her soft, full lips.

I’ve been thinking more about this idea of “giving” one’s right to orgasm to one’s partner. On the surface, this seems like such a strange and radical idea, but how different is it from committing to life-long monogamy? On the face of it, that’s just as strange a notion, especially given how we as a species have evolved. Also, it seems from my narrow and jaundiced perspective that our culture seems to expect women to essentially promise their orgasms to their mates. Male masturbatory excess is practically venerated while the idea that a woman might touch herself for pleasure still seems to be an issue for many (including women).

Of course, in light of recent events here, I’ll intercede at this time and say what I am talking about applies specifically to monogamous relationships between one man and one woman. I cannot and will not attempt to suggest that this applies to the gay, transgendered, polygamous, left-handed, Martians, or Green Party members. Edited to add, “…and anyone else who thinks I’m full of shit. Feel free to consider my ideas worth what they cost you to read them.”

So anyway, this “gift of orgasm” thing. I do not believe, in any way, this should be construed as kinky. Why? It’s a simple extension of monogamy. In practice, I’ve found that tying all my sexual release to my partner has drawn me closer to her than at almost any point in our marriage. So why isn’t this implicitly or explicitly part of the marriage vows? Why should the idea be considered so strange if the benefit (as least as has been demonstrated in my relationship) is so great? We exchange rings, why not our right to independent orgasm as well?

Of course, for me, layering on the control, power exchange, and bondage aspects of enforced male chastity make the whole thing hotter and  more fun. But all that’s just frosting.

3 thoughts on “Further heretical musings

  1. I don’t care if it’s kinky or not kinky, but I do care that you are CONTINUING to say that this is right–not just for you, but for all people (okay, now not all gay people, but all mono married people.)

    I wasn’t quite clear why MayMay was so ripshit over your earlier post, but I’m starting to get it. Why are you saying this should be what anybody other than you does? You don’t NEED to prescribe it for other people for it to be valid to you. I can get you saying, “Hey, look at this awesome chocolate sundae I’m eating! Why isn’t EVERYONE eating chocolate sundaes all the time?” But then when people say to you, “Well, actually, I don’t like chocolate/I’m watching my weight/I’m allergic to dairy/I have a cold-sensitive tooth/my mother was kidnapped and murdered by an ice cream salesman/[____] fill in blank”–why isn’t that the end of it?

    The reason I don’t like what you are suggesting at all is that I tried it and it was not good for me. I don’t like the idea of “giving” all my orgasms to my partners, because that means I don’t have an independent sexuality. You are lucky to have a partner who has, after a long effort, embraced your kinks. (And I’ll insert here that I belive that if Belle WEREN’T first GGG and now actually into layering on the frosting of D/s, you wouldn’t be so keen on tying all your sexual release to your partner. That’s between you two.)

    But what about partners who don’t? What if I had a fetish that just squicked my partner out, and he asked not to be involved in my sexual fantasies about it? You’re suggesting that in order to be monogamous, I’m not allowed to get turned on by something that he doesn’t? Or am I supposed to fantasize about it secretly while we’re fucking?

    I once had an (abusive, psychotic, controlling) boyfriend who wanted me not to see a movie that had Brad Pitt with his shirt off, because you know, if I was seeing someone with no shirt, I’d be getting turned on, and if I was getting turned on, it should be with HIM. I dumped him. Lots of people–perfectly loving and devoted people–actually like to have a personal sex life, like they like having their own friends, their own spending money, and their own fucking toppings on their own goddamn sundaes. And I really don’t see what the problem with that is. If you don’t want, need, or like it, fine, but why do you keep exhorting us to do it? It’s like you’re evangelizing for this, and I am having a really hard time understanding why.

  2. I’ll take a stab at that one (why it’s different for you). I think that in general, it is really different for men and women. (I am assuming that you are female like me, based on your username and comment.)

    As women, our sexuality has historically been controlled by men – for hundreds of years. When they can’t control it, they often still attempt to.

    What Thumper and Belle are engaged in is a consensual, loving game of control. Telling you you can’t go see Brad Pitt without a shirt (absent some kind of arrangement where you have agreed that he gets to control you in this way) is overcontrolling bullshit, of the sort that can lead to worse abuse if you give in to the small things. (Voice of experience here.)

    Men’s sexuality, on the other hand, is pretty much continually exalted, celebrated, and expected to run unchecked.

    It’s not much of a power exchange when the one who had all the power to begin with is given more.

    Whereas, a woman topping a man – now, THAT is kinky! I believe this is a big part of the reason why there are so many more hetero male submissives than ANY other kind of pervert.

    (I also think it has a lot to do with the forced feminization/sissy kink… but that is a topic for another time.)

    ~Kiki

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