Crossroads

Belle and I started a journey two+ years ago that has led to much discovery, evolution, insight, and – more important than anything else – contentment and intimacy. Now, just when I feel I’ve really started to understand how things can work between us, at the very moment when I feel actual revelation has occurred in our relationship, I find what I write has attracted vociferous criticism. This is because…why?

Is it because I’m exploring concepts and ideas that don’t apply to every sexual being on the planet? Because the anarchic bisexual polygamists are being denied a voice in my extraordinarily personal life? Are you feeling slighted because I, in my selfish exploration of my own sexuality, have forgotten that not all of you are like me?

It doesn’t really matter. This is very personal for me. This is my fucking life. When I am attacked for feeling the way I do, it is an attack on me. Call it criticism, but it doesn’t feel that way. Frankly, my skin’s not thick enough. It is a confrontation I did not seek and do not want. It tears at me and gnaws at the back of my mind. I feel like I’m accused of being a person I’m not and that I think things I do not.

I said in my second post…

The reason I started this blog, though, was not to categorize, compare, and contrast all the various practices (though that might happen along the way). None of the sites I’ve found seem to be written for me or my partner. There are elements of nearly all of them that appeal to me (and my kinky side), but when I think of how I want orgasm denial (OD) to work in our relationship, I can’t find an analogue. So, since we’re at the very beginning of our exploration and I don’t have anyone other than my partner with which I can discuss it, here I go. Maybe this will prove helpful for someone else.

I don’t pretend that Belle and I achieved perfection or that how we relate to one another will stop evolving, but we are far enough along that I really don’t need to blog about it anymore. I feel as though, now that I’m a “pre-eminent blogger about male orgasm control”, that what was mine has been taken from me. That I’m no longer allowed to think and feel the way I do because, you know, they’re not really my thoughts anymore. They belong to all of you. Because there are so many of you now, I can’t explore and describe what happens in my head and my pants.

So it becomes a matter of simple math. Does my blogging give me more than it takes? For the past few days, it’s taken far more than I get. And I’m not willing to let it. Don’t forget, I don’t do this for you. It’s for me first, Belle second, and the rest of you are a very distant third.

I haven’t spoken to Belle about this yet and that gives me pause in pulling the plug. It’s entirely possible that we’ll decide I should continue, in which case, I will. It’s entirely possible that after a certain period of time I’ll want to come back here and continue the story. But right now, today, I don’t want to. And that really bothers me. If we decide to stop, I will mourn. Denying Thumper has been such an important part of my life. It’s hard to imagine not having this thing I do or think about every day.

In order to assure those of you who might look upon this action as some kind of ego-stroking maneuver, I’ve disabled comments on this and all other posts. I’m not looking for praise or encouragement or anything else. I’m not seeking attention. I’m simply trying to decide if this is worth it anymore.

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