I was talking to Drew yesterday prior to he and Axel taking off on an international vacation. Belle and I are also entering into our vacation period, but we’re staying in North America. The kids’ll be at camp for a few weeks so we’re driving into what apparently is called the “Intermountain West” to look at those mountains, visit steamy holes in the ground, and ride a horse or two. Anyway, while talking, Drew asked me if he thought Belle would let me come on this trip.
Some couples do the orgasm denial thing based on a schedule (once a month, one a year, on a certain date, etc.). Or they might leave it to chance (roll of the dice) or they make it a reward for some action or they set a ratio of her orgasms to his (she needs to get x number before he gets one). Belle eschews any structure on the matter. Random number generators take away her control as does a set date as does really any rule other than “it’s up to her.” She wants me to come when she wants me to come and doesn’t want anything to get in her way, not even me.
It’s also the case that some men look forward to getting to come. They think about their orgasm a lot and crave the moment she’ll give it to them. I don’t work that way, usually. At any given point, just sitting there thinking about it, I’ll far more often than not want to be left wanting. I can get really fucking horny and want to fuck or whatever, but it’s pretty much only when I’m fucking (or, far more rarely, jacking off) that I want to come. Within a few minutes of pulling out of her, I will still be horny, but the intense desire to come will subside. Just sitting around wanting an orgasm, for me, is really rare and, as much as it happens, only occurs after a really long period of denial (months and months).
I’m not going to say I’ve developed an aversion to orgasm, but I find talking about it and whether it’s going to happen or how somewhat…distatestful. Kind of like asking someone you hardly know how much they make in a year. Just sort of not done. I acknowledge this is a personal peculiarity of mine. I assume it’s a product of being exceedingly well trained in the art of subsuming my own desire for release into my focus on Belle’s.
So, to answer Drew’s original question…I have no idea. Literally. I haven’t spent any time thinking about it.
In fact, I’m once again totally unable to recall the last time I came. No idea how long it’s been. This, also, is how Belle likes it. Counting up or down bugs her. I haven’t made a conscious decision to stop doing it, but I have. Once we get past a week or so, and unless I blog about it when it happens (and, as I recall, I didn’t last time), it just slips away from me. As it should. My orgasm is not the point of having sex. I shouldn’t have any expectations about it, either as something that might happen or might not at any given point. So…I don’t. Or try not to.
The thing I do think about is being kept away from the penis. Due to our schedules (me in LA with Drew last weekend, Belle having a spa resort trip in SoCal this weekend) and me finally developing the nasty cold that’s run through everyone else in the family (luckily, at the end of my time in LA), I’m looking at three weeks of being in some device. In LA, it was a Holy Trainer. Effective but not my preferred predicament. I was out for as long as it took to remove it and go back into the Steelheart. My only shot at getting out will be tonight if Belle is in the mood after a day’s travel. If not, then it’s probably at least another week before she and I set out on our adventure. My hope is, since she should be in a really good mood from resorty spa activities and might be craving the feeling of me being in her, that she’ll let me out and we can fuck.
A lot of times, when Belle’s not around, my sex drive going into high gear. As if her nearness is a calming influence on me. This time, maybe because I’m just getting over this damned cold, my interest in sex has been nearly zero. I’ve spent a little time on Tumblr, but it wasn’t with much enthusiasm. Waking up in the morning, instead of clawing at the steel in frustration, it’s just there. But she’s coming home now and I feel the pilot light flicker a bit. Being in chastity and denied when your keyholder isn’t around can sometimes feel like a tree falling in a forest with nobody around to hear it. Just a thing that happens.
But now, as I said, I want to fuck. A lot. More and more as I write this. Fingers crossed.
7 thoughts on “An open question”
“I’m not going to say I’ve developed an aversion to orgasm, but I find talking about it and whether it’s going to happen or how somewhat…distatestful.”
I’m in complete agreement with you on this. I have evolved (happily so) to where I very well could have an aversion to orgasm. At least a full on orgasm. I’ve truly become accustomed to not expecting, or even wanting it. On many captioned photos over the years, there were words to the effect of “sweetie, my orgasms should be enough for the two of us”. Those words coming from the dominant female in a FLR/FLM. I can honestly say that in my marriage and with my Mistress Wife, that is exactly how it is for us. I wish I could explain the kind of orgasmic like feeling I get when I am lucky enough to be able tow witness Mistress K. having an orgasm.
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I feel much the same way. I actually find an orgasm what I would call, almost “addictive”. I get to play more than most, and after I’ve gone 4, 5, 6 weeks since an orgasm, I can easily avoid one by accident, whereas just after I’ve had one, I have an aching for another. It’s just gnawing at the back of my brain because I recall how good it is. After a while, the body just kind of forgets what it’s like.
I do have an aversion to it as well. Orgasm denial isn’t about getting an orgasm, after all, it’s about NOT getting one. Plus, once you go weeks and weeks without one, and then you have one, now it’s gonna take weeks to get back to this same place and feel this same way, which is SO blissful.
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That aching for another is sort of the supreme irony. I can go indefinitely without one and be very happy but then, when I get one, I want another SO BADLY. Of course, that’s why she basically never lets me have two in close succession.
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For me, what characterises chastity is a very deep, eroticised ambivalence around orgasm. I’ve been chaste for nearly 9 days now, every molecule in my body wants to me to cum, but I don’t know when exactly that’s going to happen: a few more days maybe, or maybe another couple of weeks, or maybe longer. That just makes me so fuckin horny. The desire to cum never goes away. I both crave it and don’t want it; want to be free from wanting, and want to stay in this state. It’s like a slow, horny head fuck!
I think there’s two things going on. At a base level, my body wants to come. Absolutely. That’s the byproduct of not doing so and I can get incredibly horny. But my brain doesn’t want to come. The only time my body even gets close to overpowering my brain is those few moments when I’m actually fucking her or am being allowed to jack off. Otherwise, my brain just sits on all that pent up desire and uses the energy for other things.
12 days in, I’m thinking I’ve reached a more settled point. Still horny as fuck, and keen to cum – but feeling I could now (maybe) stay there as long as needed. Maybe it’s something about getting to double figures, and the memory of your last orgasm receding, like it’s been washed out of your body.
Yeah, I find the farther away from the orgasm, the less you want it again. Like you need to forget exactly how good it felt.