Belle took off to Europe for a week last night and my “emergency” key went with her. It was a spur of the moment kind of decision but there really isn’t much use for an “emergency” key in the Orion (emergencies are typically due to some discomfort/injury created by a device and the Orion, which has been on me for more than 62 days straight hasn’t given me a moment of issue) and, especially when she’s not around to keep an eye on me, the only thing better from my perspective than a secured tamper-proof key is no key at all. The more my free will is removed from the equation, the better. And right now, I couldn’t get the Orion off for any reason, so free will is out the window until she gets back.
I say the Orion has been on for 62 days straight. Of course, there have been some short periods here and there it’s had to come off (such as). I don’t have to take it off for travel, but when I’m with family or co-workers I do just in case. I’m going to end January having been out 4.5 hours which is almost spot on to my goal for the year and, January being a heavy travel month so far, makes me feel my stretch goal of only being out about 24 hours all year is really doable.
I keep coming back to the rest of those goals and Belle’s recent apparent confirmation that “no stroking, no fucking, no coming” aren’t just goals, but the law, and not just for the year, but forever. I think one of the reasons that’s exciting for me (even though stroking, fucking, and coming are all things I will miss badly) is that I feel accepting my total denial of those things is the ultimate act of submission on my part. It perfects my submission.
I’m not saying any sub that’s not similarly situated isn’t doing it right. Not at all. Every sub and Dom/me and relationship and dynamic is going to be unique. But I’m wired (for as long as I can remember) to want my partner’s sexual pleasure to always come before mine. Always. And chastity and denial have allowed me to learn not only to be a better, more focused and attentive lover, but to find ways to make her pleasure my pleasure. In a very real and physiological sense. By accepting permanent chastity and denial (though it was not and should not be my decision at all), I’m demonstrating to Belle and the world that my commitment to my form of submission is absolute.
I could never, ever do this on my own. Belle’s authority and whatever device I’m locked in are what allow me to be this version of myself. And the more I’m this version of myself, the more deeply I feel this is me. What I am supposed to be. Thumper-centric pleasure (stroking, fucking, coming) are all distracting, indulgent, and destructive to the level of submission Belle has helped me attain.
So her taking the keys over an ocean away seems very fitting. No matter how horny and frustrated and achy-balled I get, relief should feel impossibly distant. My focus shouldn’t be inward. Not on my needs. I live to serve hers. Even when she’s not here.