Touchy bunny

Reader Mike left this comment to my last post:

Do you ever think the day will come when you are simply not bisexual and the phase will be over? I’m sure that would be welcomed news to Belle and Drew’s husband, but I think it would make you unhappy and I’d hate that. So, best of luck with the kryptonite.

Drew read that as well-intentioned but misguided. I just read the misguided part and called him an idiot. Why to touchy?

I’ve been thinking on that because the comment today doesn’t seem as obnoxious as it did yesterday. I think there are a couple of things that set me off.

Do you ever think the day will come when you are simply not bisexual and the phase will be over?

Ugh. So, so close to calling my sexuality a “phase.” I literally cannot think of a more demeaning and insulting thing to say to a person who identifies as something outside the heteronormative hegemony. Also especially problematic for me since I totally bought off on that “phase” narrative for years and had no real emotional or sexual relationships as a result. I’ll grow out of it. I’ll “decide.” And I was wrong. There was nothing to grow out of. No decision to make. I am what I am.

And, in a theme that will be repeating, I’ve blogged about my sexuality many, many times. My assumption about anyone who reads me is that they’ve been reading me and know the whole backstory and that’s probably wrong. I don’t know anything about Mike or if that post was the first he ever read. Maybe. But it still set me off.

I’m sure that would be welcomed news to Belle and Drew’s husband…

How many times have I written that both our spouses are really, super OK with me and Drew’s relationship? I grow weary defending it and the implied damage our combined openness must be inflicting on them. I am tired of the assumption that what we’re doing is cheating. I’m so fucking tired of the judgement. Ugh!

…but I think it would make you unhappy and I’d hate that.

Which, OK, I totally skipped over the first time through. I was already seeing red and didn’t pick up the apparent concern/care. But even this suggests I’m perfectly happy to make Belle unhappy so I can have gay sex with Drew…?

So, best of luck with the kryptonite.

I read that as, “I hope you continue not being bisexual,” though I admit it could be interpreted otherwise. So many comments that are judgmental and homophobic and really awful that never get approved (here or over on Drew’s) carry a friendly, caring tone so that can almost set me off by itself.

He replied to me calling him an idiot with this:

Dude, im on your side here. I know you’ve always been a bi guy but since you are in a new stage of acting on it with your outside “relationship” I wondered if that’s maybe all you needed for your satisfaction. It’s only been a month or two, right? I don’t know what I meant about the spouses and I know they support you but it has to be tough at times dividing times and lives is all I meant but glad for you they do.

Again with the phase talk. As if all I need to scratch my bi itch is a cock in my mouth a few times. That’s not how sexuality works. Not from an orientation aspect, not from a kink aspect, not really in any aspect. Also, I’ve been with Drew a month or two? Nearly a year. Yeah, I know, maybe he’s new, but it doesn’t sound like it. More like there’s a reading comprehension issue.

Whatever. I overreacted. I shouldn’t have. I can be mean sometimes. Sorry.

17 thoughts on “Touchy bunny

  1. I told you yesterday and I’ll say it again. You were nicer to him than I would have been. Some of his words may have been misguided, sure. I can see that. But since he and I are both outsiders to your relationships, it reads like someone who thinks they’re supportive of LBQT people, but really has no actual understanding at all. Maybe I’m just so used to being surrounded by passive aggressive and/or judgmental people that I see it everywhere. In that case, I overreacted more than you because I still think he’s an ass.

  2. Alright, from reading his comments, I am inclined to think that it was all very well-intentioned, and meant as a kind of “supportive” thing. That being said, this is obviously someone with a very narrow view of sexuality and relationships in general. There were a lot of things in his comments that really came across as “wtf,” possibly even more so because it looks like he genuinely thinks he’s being supportive. The quotes around the word “relationship” were ridiculous. Implying repeatedly that your sexuality is a “phase,” simply because it doesn’t fit into those neat little labeled boxes the general public loves so much is ridiculous, the repeated comments about your spouses having an issue with it or being uncomfortable with it, or “dividing times and lives” (seriously?? Wtf?) are ridiculous. But hopefully now that he’s been called out on his narrow-minded, half-hearted “support,” he’ll start to realize just how much he doesn’t understand.

  3. Hey Thumper,
    Lately ive been getting the feeling so many of your responses have been answering questions from those with no constructive intent.

    Of course, genuine curiousity takes many forms in different people and real questions can be challenging but lately I’ve been missing your perverted intellectual optimism. You’re at your finest when interacting with those who post comments and questions from a constructive standpoint. Sure, your acid wit is hilariously entertaining when applied but select those responses you give air time wisely.
    *stepping off the soap box

  4. Well it could be that Thumper and Drew are in the first, maybe second, phase of their many-phase, multi-part, medium-phase, long-phase, or lifelong phase phase.

    I don’t think so. It’s not a phase. It’s a real thing. Their relationship is a relationship. Relationships aren’t phases even though some can be shorter than others. Drew and Thumper are relating on many levels in many ways.They aren’t phasing on many levels in many ways. Although I think I can turn the notion of “phasing” into an intensely sexual afternoon fantasy. (Yeah, I like afternoon.)

    When I read comments, I think about projection. This one made me wonder if the commenter was concerned about some of his phases. What’s he up to? What is he thinking of being up to? Is he concerned about his primary relationships being damaged?

    I read this guy’s question-statement as, “Aren’t you worried? I am (or would be) worried.” Fear of loss. A question of courage.

    “Bi guy.” Ugh. Really ugh. That turns it into a label. “I understand that you’re bisexual,” or “I understand that you’re bi,” but “bi guy?” Still ugh.

  5. I’ll step in on Mike’s side here. He sounds like he’s new to this. All of the kink and sexuality we took years to understand and come to terms with, we forget what it’s like when it’s all quite new. Not even very new.

    Open relationships, poly, man after 20 years on the kink scene its second nature. Almost everyone is a bit open in this scene. A little play or a kiss at a club, or a friend whipping another friend spouse, the vanilla world often sees even that as cheating. Do you remember that? The first time you played with a non-partner. It was a wow moment. It was a big and cool deal.

    So now along comes someone new, not even very new necessarily. He hasn’t seen 10 years of people playing with the support or even encouragement of their spouse. It’s hard to grok. Very hard.

    Think back people, all of you, to that mindset.

  6. I was outraged by his comment as well and had the same knee jerk reaction you did. I literally fist bumped you from afar when you responded by calling him an idiot. Kudos to you for taking a moment to look at alternate perspectives. You’re a significantly better person than I am.

  7. The thing that gets me the most, is that according to him, Belle and Axel must be relieved to see this end. Which means that either A) He thinks you and Drew are lying when you report back the things you say they’ve said that are positive about the Thumper-Drew relationship, or B) it doesn’t fit with his narrative, so he’s going to ignore it and substitute the version of reality that he prefers like what you said never actually happened.

    There’s a big difference between having trouble wrapping your mind around a new concept regarding someone else’s life, and just plain not listening to what they’re saying when they tell you about said life because you want to believe certain things that are comfortable with your worldview. I have a lot of sympathy for the former, and very little for the latter.

  8. So you hear of ‘smug marrieds’ and how they make single people feel. I’m hearing a lot of smug kinksters feeling superior. Sorry to be so blunt but really, could you be more sensitive and reactionary?

    This guy is, or wishes to be one of us. Get off your soap boxes and either grow a thick skin, or educate him. Stop acting like indignant children.

    1. And “one of us?” He’s not joining a club. Last I checked, all people regardless of their proclivities were deserving of the freedom to pursue their own happiness so long as it doesn’t come at the expense of anyone else’s. He and everyone needs to learn how their preconceptions and language impact others. If he wants to be “one of us” he needs to learn his way of expressing himself won’t get him very​ far. There’s a learning curve. Interacting with his peers is the classroom.

  9. Thumper my comment is not personal about how you feel. We all have rights to our feelings, God knows I can be sensitive, as you’ve probably picked up before. It’s how we choose to act on them.

    And yes sure he needs to learn. He won’t by having a load of experience people drawing in the wagons and shutting him out. If we do that to someone who wants to be supportive how do we ever win over the rest of the truly judgemental world?

  10. “As if all I need to scratch my bi itch is a cock in my mouth a few times.”… I’m a guy and bisexual myself, living in monogamous relationship…. Reading those words makes me think… :-/

  11. “Also especially problematic for me since I totally bought off on that “phase” narrative for years and had no real emotional or sexual relationships as a result. I’ll grow out of it. I’ll “decide.” And I was wrong. There was nothing to grow out of. No decision to make. I am what I am.”

    Me too. It almost seems like the society at large was somehow trying to enforce dualistic thinking and as a result creating casualties like the bi- or pansexual, trans, poly and others that don’t fit. Nah, probably just a coincidence. Why would anyone mind that their (sexual) identity is being questioned?

    (Also: Hi! You seem to be doing very well. I’ll need to catch up! ^_^ )

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