Keyholding 101

Another primer! This time, thoughts on keyholding from the point of view of a guy whose key is being held.

I figure most of the time, any given keyholder is introduced to the concept of enforced male chastity, somewhat ironically perhaps, by the one whose key they’re being asked to hold. The one being locked is usually the one who wants to be locked and the one doing the locking often never even considered doing anything like it beforehand. So you can image they’re not always prepared for the demands of what might seem on the surface is a fairly low-key (ahem) responsibility.

I’ll say right up front I’m not about to lay out the One True Way. Every person in every relationship, not only sexual ones or kinky ones or ones involving hardware on penises, needs to find how they’re made satisfied and happy by it. It’s also true that in a lot of cases, guys getting locked up have been thinking and fantasizing and jacking off to the idea for a long time and they know exactly what they want (or think they know what they want) and will do their best to try and fit their keyholder into that ideal form. The keyholder is and should be free to accept their locked man’s position as nothing more than a kinky version of the picture on the outside of a TV dinner box: A serving suggestion. They need the room to make keyholding they’re own, not some pre-cut, pre-packaged idea distilled from captions on Tumblr images.

So guys, while this is mostly about what you need from your keyholder, what they need from you is space to make holding your key something they get off on, too. If you don’t give them that and are too prescriptive, you run the risk of turning them off to the idea altogether. Always remember they’ve not had the same amount of time or intensity you have thinking about the best, most hottest way it should be done. fapfapfap

Additionally, there’s no secret to how long to keep him locked up. As long and as often as you want (and/or he can stay that way without being injured by the device he’s in if it’s cheap or ill-fitted). He’ll either beg to be let out or imply he wants to be locked up and denied longer. Chances are, whatever you do, he won’t be happy about it. But the deal is, he gave you the key and the control so yours it is. If you want him out for a fuck, then let him out. If you don’t, don’t. If you want him to come, let/make him. If not, don’t. If he can’t handle that, then take the device off him and tell him it won’t go back on until he’s ready for the reality of what giving up control over his penis really means.

No, don’t be a bitch. Don’t be unnecessarily mean. Talk to him about how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking and let that influence you as much as you want, but this game needs to have some ground rules and rule number one should be the one who holds the key is the one who makes the decisions about the lock and all the other rules.

The only things he really needs from you is an understanding that you haven’t forgotten he’s locked up, you appreciate this predicament, and you take the key very seriously. There are countless stories on the web about those who get talked into holding a guy’s key even though they’re not really into the idea and they “set it and forget it.” This is the worst from the locked man’s perspective. As a keyholder, you’re really only reminded of the chastity dynamic when you can see his locked penis or he says something to you about it or you want to have sex. For him, it’s something he’s aware of all of the time. If you lose sight of that fact, chastity can feel very lonely and even pointless for him. He needs to know you cherish the “gift” of male chastity and know it can be hard (even if that knowledge won’t get him out of the device any sooner).

And the key. It’s really important to him. He wants you to treat it like a treasure because it represents so much. Do you hide it or wear it or secure it in a known location? Doesn’t matter, as long as you just don’t leave it laying around or, god forbid, lose it. Also take his locked state seriously. Occasionally, he may need to be away from you for travel or whatever. Come up with a system in which you can be reasonably sure he’s locked if you want him to be (things like texting a picture, etc.). You may not really care, but he needs you to act like you do. If you don’t think you can come up with a system, then tell him to do it for you. Trust me, he already has a lot of ideas about it.

Especially at the beginning of a chastity dynamic in which the keyholder wasn’t the originator of the idea, it’s not always easy to essentially play act your role. However, if my relationship with Belle is any indication, in time you may take your responsibility very seriously. Even more seriously than he’d like you to. And that, more than any fantasy porn scenario, is infinitely more satisfying for both of you.

Any other tips and ideas from my readers? Leave them in the comments!

15 thoughts on “Keyholding 101

  1. “I’ll say right up front I’m not about to lay out the One True Way. Every person in every relationship, not only sexual ones or kinky ones or ones involving hardware on penises, needs to find how they’re made satisfied and happy by it.”

    Thank you for that. As a newb who is still trying to figure how this dynamic might work in my relationship, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate those two sentences. I’ve come across several writers whose “advice” comes across as the One Twue Way and it makes me want to just forget all about chastity.

    I’m anxious to hear from your readers who have to come to chastity because of the woman’s desire for it rather than the guy’s.

  2. NDG: “I’m anxious to hear from your readers who have to come to chastity because of the woman’s desire for it rather than the guy’s.” You were calling me out, weren’t you?

    I was the first to bring up the chastity device. We had already started down the FLR and D/s path for several months before we started investigating chastity. While I was the first one intrigued by it, quite often the case with a lot of things we’ve tried, Snake was quickly onboard. We started off with a cheap device to see if we liked it. And quickly replaced it with a Mature Metal one within a few months.

    I think it is definitely something that the KH needs to grow into. There are definitely times when life interferes and it is easy to forget that he is locked. It took time for me to just say no. No, I’m not unlocking you tonight for play even if you want it. No, you can’t come even though you really want to. It’s not the scenario that we all accept as “normal.”

    That said, I’ve been his KH for about 1 1/2 years. With the usual bumps in all roads, I think we are both happier and successful in our roles. He will never tell you that he never wants to come again, but he does love the subby feeling of denial. I love the dominant feeling of controlling his orgasms. I am feeling more confident in my decisions on wait times and I think it’s been a really good thing for us.

  3. Thumper, I am really enjoying this series thing you have going and I am looking forward to more.

    As another keyholder that brought the idea of chastity up first I love reading about things from the male’s perspective, too. I think it’s good to have advice from both genders.

    -Rhea

  4. One thing this dynamic does is force the key holder to really focus on the relationship. They have to be actively denying/controlling their partner, or the whole point of the exercise is lost. If you find yourself “setting and forgetting” then you need some serious conversation about continuing with the dynamic.

    1. After I wrote this, I realized there was a lot more about sex and how it changes (and arguably gets better) after a device is introduced I could have said. I’m going to write that at some point.

  5. i am intrigued by your thoughts on chastity play. I am about to begin a relationship where I will be the key holder for another. I will place him in a chastity device for controlling him sexually. Your article was informative and exciting for us both to read as we begin this journey.

  6. This is only related to this post partially, but I wanted to say thank you for this great post and for the thousand other ones. I found you after I started reading a blog by a bloke named Drew (who I believe you may know as your boyfriend) (heads up, I hear he’s a homosexual) (and that they are dangerous) (and his dick is metal) and I have not been able to stop reading you post by post by post. I really need to leave my flat because it’s been a looooooon time. (You write a lot).

    I only wrote you after seeing all of the bloody comments from the fuckers on your posts that mention said homosexual boyfriend and the ones on him. I worry that these arses may want you to stop blogging or make you question why, so I thought I’d just sit down and say thank you and introduce you to me and just tell you what a treasure you are to many many of us around the globe.

    You seem like a really great guy who has built a a great new relationship while maintaining an incredible one with Belle. Even though there are not romantic feelings it is apparent that you appreciate the specialness of that so, again, thank you from a reader who loves you, Belle, drew, and Axel.

    PS – I think you are both hot. I can only imagine Belle and Axel.

  7. Ok guys, so I found out what’s wrong. Now I have to find a solution and that’s why I’m asking you for help.

    So, I’m not a native speaker and it’s hard to explain but I will do my best.

    Here is what happened : pain in the balls after a few hours of wearing my CB 6000 despite a few months of trying to wear it as much as possible. I thought it was normal and that my skin was getting used to the device but after I had to get it out once more, I decided to look at my balls and I saw a “line” on my skin. It was red and “higher”/”popping” more than the rest of the skin. Exactly like when you pinch your back hand’s skin with two fingers. There is a part of the skin that gets pinched.

    My theory was that some skin was getting catched in the “holes” of the U ring (the U ring is not completely filled with plastic, although I can feel “holes” is not the perfect word I could use to describe the part of the U ring I’m talking about.

    And it seems I was right! I took a picture and I attach it to this message (NSFW of course, it’s a picture of my balls…).

    Here it is : http://hpics.li/8962223 (NSFW)

    So what do you think? I really want this to work and to be able to wear it for more than 1 or 2 hours 😥

  8. Ok guys, so I found out what’s wrong. Now I have to find a solution and that’s why I’m asking you for help.

    So, I’m not a native speaker and it’s hard to explain but I will do my best.

    Here is what happened : pain in the balls after a few hours of wearing my CB 6000 despite a few months of trying to wear it as much as possible. I thought it was normal and that my skin was getting used to the device but after I had to get it out once more, I decided to look at my balls and I saw a “line” on my skin. It was red and “higher”/”popping” more than the rest of the skin. Exactly like when you pinch your back hand’s skin with two fingers. There is a part of the skin that gets pinched.

    My theory was that some skin was getting catched in the “holes” of the U ring (the U ring is not completely filled with plastic, although I can feel “holes” is not the perfect word I could use to describe the part of the U ring I’m talking about.

    And it seems I was right! I took a picture and I attach it to this message (NSFW of course, it’s a picture of my balls…I hope it’s not too extreme for this place).

    Here it is : http://hpics.li/8962223 (NSFW)

    So what do you think? I really want this to work and to be able to wear it for more than 1 or 2 hours 😥

    PS: I think there was an error when I tried to post it so I’m trying again.

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