Further elucidation

I said:

In short, I’m not in a place right now where I can submit to Drew. It’s as simple as that. My sexual relationship with him is founded on submission and if I can’t get myself there, I can’t do it.

So, why can’t I do it? And why does there have to be submission?

I’ll start when the second first. I am submissive. It’s not just a thing I do (though I get, for some people, it is that). Someone might say, “Gah! Why so complicated?” To which I would reply, are you new here? Which is a joke, but seriously, because it’s who I am now. With Drew, it was the very reason we had a relationship in the first place. So he could dominate and I could submit. When I said it was the foundation, that’s what I meant.

When you’re submissive, you sometimes need to find that angle that gets you into subspace. Sometimes, the Dom/me can do something to help you get there, but even so, a lot of it is internal and sometimes feels like you’re drawing a curtain in front of the things that might keep it from happening. It’s not hard with Belle since my submission and her control over my sex are deeply intertwined in our relationship now. But with Drew, I found it was getting harder and harder for me to find the submissive vector that pulled the curtain. Not because of anything mechanical or tactical he was doing wrong. I think it was because I came to know him too well.

If I had to find a starting point for when that started to be an issue, it was specing out and ordering him his Steelheart. I wear the Steelheart. I’m not with someone who does. But he was always very open about what was going on there and I had to try and just let those things roll over me and then get them out of my mind. Our recent trip to Montreal to order him his Steelwerks device was more of the same. Then there was the way he reached out to me when Axel found his set of boy toys and the emotions and conflict that brought up in him. I was really glad to be able to talk him through that and be his friend, but it finally put too much stuff on the side of the scale I needed to balance out to find my sub side with him.

Drew always wanted to be friends. I thought that was a good idea and was my instinct, as well. Turns out, if we did anything wrong, it was that we got too close. We became too intimate with one another’s private lives. The space in which I constructed my submission to him was filled with other things. Like his insecurities and hopes and issues and strengths and weaknesses and other sundry life drama.

That’s entirely unfair. I know it is. But it’s how it works with me. At least, how it works with me regarding Drew. Perhaps how it’ll work with any man. My feelings for men don’t follow the  same pathways as my feelings for women, after all. I can’t know that how it works with a guy on the side is how it’d work with a woman. It may be that anyone I enter into a D/s relationship with external to my marriage will need to maintain a certain distance to last.

To be clear, he did nothing wrong. I don’t think I did, either. It’s just where things have ended up, at least for the time being.

7 thoughts on “Further elucidation

  1. So why does knowing Drew as a person keep you from feeling submissive toward him, but that doesn’t happen with Belle? You said that submission is just so deeply entrenched with you and her, but isn’t that also the basis of the relationship with Drew? What kept the space for your submission to Belle from getting filled with things like insecurities, hopes, etc the way you say it is with Drew right now?

    (Sorry if I’m prying too much..)

    1. As I said, I don’t exactly know. Perhaps it’s because I am in love with Belle and I can’t love another man in that way. Or perhaps it’s just that he’s a man and that’s how I process them. Or a combination.

  2. So the pause button has been pressed on the D/S side of your relationship but the friends part is still there and that’s just as valuable. Whatever the outcome will be is for you and Drew to decide. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this blog.

  3. I’ve been an occasional reader since the start of the year. As a kinsey scale 6 male I find your portfolio (or the male parts at least) bang-on for my tastes.

    I was going to comment on your last post that it seemed odd that you still had a preponderance of men in the portfolio (feels like 60/40 to me, but it might be confirmation bias on my part), since it seemed like you were getting a bit negative on the man-sex side of things. But this post makes a lot more sense – it’s specifically the relationship with Drew that has cooled off for you, not your overall sex drive.

    1. Yeah, it vacillates. I’ve always found porn with men to be more interesting, no matter which number my pendulum is on. Also, since I have a very specific idea of what is hot sex with a woman (and I have a few other tumblrs to take images that don’t work in my thumper tumblr space), it tends to get really dude-heavy. Other times, it just represents what the Tumblr gods give me in the time I have to go through it.

      I did get pretty turned off to men for a while. Then turned off to all sex. Drew is still smoking (main image on his blog as an example).

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