Possession is nine-tenths, etc.

Belle and I spent some time after the lights were out last night just talking. Talking about TOG specifically, marital openess in general, me, her, etc. (even Drew, but that’s for another post). It was wonderful. Even though the tone was far more tame than the night before (for example, my finger wasn’t in any of her hot, wet orifices), it still left me too hopped up to sleep (and now you’re like, oh fucking great I get to read about how the rabbit can’t sleep again).

Anyway, lots to write about there, but first this…

At some point, Belle offered to let me read the history of her messaging with TOG. Not like right then but sometime if I wanted to. Nothing to hide and all that. I am of two minds. On the one hand, it’s pretty personal and seems borderline intrusive. But, of course, she offered and it would save her having to answer my endlessly annoying questions. On the other hand, I think it’d be hot as hell. Anyway, I asked Twitter what they thought and DarqKnight offered the above.

I want to talk about possessiveness. Not because I think DarqKnight is wrong. This is not a case of right and wrong. But “possessive” seems analogous to “jealous” and jealousy is really interesting to me.

I skipped over it yesterday, but I think jealousy is, at least in part and in some people, driven by insecurity. Worry that one’s partner will choose someone else or prefer someone else. In my case, my particular blend of perversions are such that rather than making me jealous, these possibilities turn me on. Also, as I said, I’m confident in my position with Belle and don’t for a second (well, not for two seconds — more on that in a minute) think she would leave me for TOG. Once that’s out of the way, there’s room for compersion to set in. Plus, there’s a real benefit to me for her to be having this fling.

What I mean by that involves the concept of “new relationship energy.” NRE is described by Wikipedia as…

[A] state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement.

I mean, we’ve all been there. Belle is experiencing a healthy jolt of NRE along with all the associated benefits and in the same way sunlight reflects off the moon some of it’s bouncing off her and hitting me. She’s in a better, sexier mood and that’s good for me. She’s ridiculously attractive to me right now. She’s also more interested in her health and well-being and I’m happy about that, too. So beyond the compersionistic aspect (yeah, I may have just made up a word) of feeling happy for her because she’s enjoying what’s going on, I’m able to also benefit from the real impact it’s having on her in other ways.

Of course, there’s a second way “possessive” can be defined. If I had a nice car (and I do), I would be possessive of it (and I am) as a thing that belongs to me and is mine to enjoy (and it is). Of course, there is no “car owner relationship dynamic” but if one was a Dom one might consider thier sub as “theirs” and feel a similar exclusive right of use. Maybe that’s what DarqKnight meant. If so, of course, I don’t feel that for Belle. I’m fortunate she doesn’t feel that about me (except for the penis, of course).

So I said I don’t for a second think Belle would leave me, but that’s not entirely true. As we were talking last night, she told me that I was wrong when I said all TOG knew about me was the relative size of the penis. Early on, when describing to him the parameters of our open marriage, she told him that I’d not only be OK with her being with him but that one of my fantasies was to be cuckolded. That helps explain the aggressive tone of his “I want you to enjoy sex with me more than him” attitude. As we talked about that, I had a brief bolt of panic that flickered for just a second. The idea that this other man would be actively trying to woo my wife and would have unfettered access to her while doing so is, however remotely, risky. And, I have to tell you, risky is sexy. How we respond to risk is sexy. Why do we do risky things? Because they’re fun. Risk means the envelope is being pushed. It’s really only with sex that we seem to collectively frown at the idea of introducing risk of any kind. So yeah, there is somewhere in me a tiny piece of worry and it may grow as we get closer to the time Belle will meet him, but to me it feels roughly equivalent to what it would feel like to downhill ski or skydive. Maybe something catastrophic happens, but chances are it won’t. Skating that edge has its own excitement.

There’s a noticeable age difference between TOG and Belle. Had I been able to cast my perfect guy-on-the-side for her, I would have probably made him closer to our age, but this is what it is. Belle seems worried that a guy in his late 20’s may not be fully prepared for what a woman in her forties is like, but I counter with the fact that there are lots of things that make someone sexy and desirable along with their physical attributes. She’s confident and successful and experienced and married and any or all of those things might be firing in TOG’s head as he thinks about her. He and I are in agreement that the age difference is actually pretty fucking hot.

I said in my first post about TOG that the only real concern I had was that Belle would be hurt. She told me her worry was actually the other way around. Apparently, TOG is quite smitten with her and may end up being more attached to her than is practical considering the circumstances (married, other side of the Atlantic, etc.). She’s been clear that she thinks he should think of her as a fun port o’ call on his life cruise and not a destination. If there’re any clouds on the horizon of this little adventure, it’s that TOG might become overly invested in Belle emotionally.

I suppose it’s possible Belle could, too. That her fun and sexy feelings for him, once she actually gets to know him in person, may become more significant. The prospect of this doesn’t bother me. Like I said yesterday, I think I am fundamentally polyamorous and feel pretty confident I would be able to adjust to a reality in which Belle had another significant relationship along ours, but I’m not sure Belle’s wired that way (let alone TOG who I know no better than a hole in the ground).

Getting back to the offer of reading her messages with him, I’m totally going to take her up on that. I think the prospect and her instant willingness to let me see them says a lot about the fundamental strength of our bond. It occurred to me last night when we talked and I said something about writing here about stuff that I wasn’t entirely sure it was appropriate. This blog is about Belle and my relationship. TOG represents something related but really totally separate. It’s her relationship with someone other than me. Regardless, she’s cool with me going on about it so I will, I’m sure, at length.

So yeah, that’s where we are…

Is it August yet?

15 thoughts on “Possession is nine-tenths, etc.

  1. My response to your question was normally I’d say no, but for you two I think probably yes. What I was thinking in my head was pretty much what you just said, though obviously I only have a two dimensional view of you and your relationships. Your confidence in Belle and your marriage has always shone through your writing. The amount of trust that each of you have in the other is a beautiful thing to an outsider to an outside. Add in TOG hitting your kink buttons and there’s really no reason not to read them.

  2. The reading messages thing is a sticky wicket. There was one situation for hubs and I where that worked, and quite well at that. But in other situations it backfired. So based on those experiences, we’ve tweaked what/how/how-much/how-often we share.

    Only the person having feelings (lust, excitement, jealousy, compersion, whatever) ever truly knows what they are (though they can come in fits and starts and sneaky ninja attacks), so really, only that person can make the choice. I say, if it’s gonna work for you to read their conversations, you’re the only one who truly knows that. Go for it.

    Q: Does TOG know you’ll be reading?

    I ask because it’s easy to objectify a participant about whom little is known and not much is cared. (I speak from experience.) Which may be okay. But he may be sensitive about it.

    And if you are objectifying him in your hotwife-cuckoldy brain (that’s totally a thing), and then you read what he says and you go, “Shit… This guy is WAY into her and has mad feels and stuff,” it’s entirely possible that The Happy Bubble may burst. Or deflate. Or leak a little, drooling emo jizz all over your rabbity self. Just putting that out there.

    /END Disclaimer-ish Stuff/

    All in all, an awesome (read: fucking HOT) new development.

    :: fans self ::

    And for Belle, if she’s reading: Take all the pleasure you deserve. I’m smiling for you. 🙂

    1. I’ve very happy to see you weigh in on this. I was hoping you’d share your thoughts.

      After I posted this, I considered TOG’s stake in this. His messages with Belle probably were not shared with the idea that anyone else would read them. While I think an argument could be made that they’re kind of community property as a result of our marriage, I think a mitigating circumstance is our power exchange dynamic and the consequences of it. I may not have a right that trumps his in this matter. What I’ve decided to do is talk to Belle about it and she what she thinks. If she wants me to read it without consulting him, I will. Minimally, I think he should have a say. If he expressly says he doesn’t want me to read his messages, I won’t. It’ll kill me and/or drive me crazy, but that’s my position I guess.

  3. I think you should go back to when we first met when you and Belle had the whole borrow versus sublet conversation, because this parallels nicely. That said, I love your confidence, yet slight vulnerability in this because that is where you thrive in th.is and many other aspects of your being

    As for reading them, I would too and did so with Axel. That said, the sadist in me just hopes that Belle lets you read them during the next extended family gathering or similar event where you will have to stew on them without talking about them for awhile .

    Now, to Belle: HAVE FUN and enjoy every single second of the NRE. Between the two of them, you are in for a fun summer!

  4. Lengthy response that wordpress ate. Try again.

    I’d like to offer a slightly different take on jealousy, just by a matter of a few degrees. Try this on: Jealousy is triggered by fear of loss. Jealousy itself isn’t a problem. It’s an emotion that flags fear of loss. Not responding to that emotion in a productive manner, that is a problem.

    I had a story here too, and I can’t find the origin of it. It was about a couple that brought in a third. No issues with jealousy, until the cucumbers on the salad were threatened. Real, actual cucumbers. The intense feelings of jealousy were handled, and a cucumber-sharing arrangement was arrived at.
    Fear of loss. It’s a good framework.

  5. As per my twitter response I think the offer to read his messages i important. Honesty is important and you are part of this, regardless of comparison, jealousy and lack thereof. This may be Belle’s dalliance but you are an intimate part of it.

    I have followed you now for a few years. I suspect we are the same age (or thereabouts) and your journey, though ahead of mine, seems to reflect so many of my own life experiences. I long to be where you are right now. My heart races when I see a post from you and the TOG posts have got me really excited for you. I wonder how I would feel in your shoes and whether I would be able to cope the way you are. Part of me would really want the whole cuckold thing to happen, the true submission to another person and knowing that they have what you can’t. Another part of me would be terrified about the pandora’s box we’d just opened and the risks associated with it. Either way, I would love to be in your situation.

    Regarding the FaceBook friend request. My only concern is if you are being told the whole truth (by him, not Belle). What are the chances of a random FB Friend request from a young male who is kink aware (and it’s obvious he is) who quickly sends nude selfies to a married woman in her 40’s? Is there a chance he has deduced Belle’s identity from either your blog or other forums you may frequent and was trying his luck?

    I am so happy you are posting again, I really look forward to those inbox updates. If nothing else you tend to post more when you are in a good place and I like it when people are happy.

    Take Care.

    1. I was saying to Drew yesterday that in rereading the first TOG post, had I not been part of this and not seen his Facebook profile, etc., I’d say it almost sounds like a set up. Trust me when I say that’s very unlikely. Belle’s gotten to know him and the kinds of details he’s shared and the way they’ve interacted make me confident he’s a real person. But, as I said, I get how someone would wonder otherwise.

      I think as this blog as aged, I have become far less likely to post when things are more mad than good. That’s true. It wasn’t always like that. I wonder what’s changed.

      1. I hope you don’t think I was doubting the story! I am sure he is real, the only part that would make me nervous was how it came about. Does he know her through some other avenue and he’s put 2 and 2 together?

        I think it’s normal when you not in a good place to not want to share that. People as a rule don’t like hearing bad news and we become conditioned to not wanting to share it. I am happy when you post, because even if you are sad or not in a good place, it means you’re still able to see an up and an end to whatever ails you. I don’t know you, but I have tremendous empathy (is that the right word?) with some of things you post and worry for and about you. Ah, the surface familiarity that we get through social media!

  6. Wow, sounds exciting! Way to go Belle. I honestly never thought this day would come, but I’m happy it has. You guys are really opening up.

    I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I do think it’s unethical to read anyone’s correspondence without their full knowledge and approval. Marriage doesn’t change that. No power play changes that – unless it’s his power play. He is a person too, and has to have a say in things concerning him. That’s the guideline I follow in my relationships. (Notice the subtle hint that I, as well, have more than one now?) But… he could be up for it, too, so why not ask?

    I don’t get off on a cuckold type thing myself, but I’ve noticed that I’m actually not jealous about Wonderboy’s other lover(s), because I think they make him happy. How could I be against that? Everybody’s just more happy than before. I just want to be aware about what’s happening. I wouldn’t want to see his chats, but I want to know what he’s feeling. Compersion is a tricksy hobbit, yes he is.

    1. I’ve been following this because I think it’s a very interesting subject even outside of the current players, but I just tend to go with the assumption that if you know you are chatting with a married person and, especially one in an open relationship who has already said they have no secrets, then it’s fair game IF and only IF your partner is willing to share them. While there are some (i.e.: tons of) things that would likely embarrass me, I just always know that Thump can and might show Belle anything I send him just as he knows I can show Ax anything sent to me. Yes, this is a long way from where they are now with TOG, but even at the very beginning this was made clear (mostly because I believe I sent him something while she was using his iPad) and I frankly believe all was much better just because that was known even though I doubt it ever happened on purpose.

      On a different subject, do you know how happy this makes me that THIS is the question at hand about ethical behavior?? THAT is pretty cool regardless of what side you stand on.

      1. That’s kind of how I was thinking about it. I would never presume that a conversation of that type with a married person would never be shared with their partner. So no, I don’t think reading it would be unethical. That being said, I have come down personally on the side of not wanting to do it without his knowledge anyway. In any event, before Belle read this post she changed her mind and decided she didn’t’ want me to read it anyway.

      2. Huh. We have very different views on what being married means, then, Drew and Thumper. I wouldn’t tell any secrets told to me by my friends or my boyfriend to my husband unless given explicit permission, and I expect the same from people in return. Could it be a cultural thing? (I am from Scandinavia.) Of course it’s a different case, if the person(s) involved have been told up front that this is what you’re getting in to – aka not only am I honest with my spouse but I tell them every little detail. I can’t help that I see it as a breach of trust if it’s not agreed upon.

        We have discussed the level of shared details with all my lovers and come to an agreement on that. So, I don’t expect people to just know what I expect of them. But I am unsure if everybody does that.

        “On a different subject, do you know how happy this makes me that THIS is the question at hand about ethical behavior?? THAT is pretty cool regardless of what side you stand on.”

        It’s a very cool crowd here, isn’t it?

        Sorry for being such a spoil sport, Thumper. I know you’ll do the right thing with Belle regardless of your comment thread.

  7. Catching up on today’s posts and the comments. It’s fascinating to watch the evolution of your thinking and also read others’ experiences. And I totally agree with Drew about this being the ethical question. Awesome.

    And now inquiring minds want to when you’re writing that post about Drew. Heh. 😉

Say your piece

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s