Butterfly effect

The other day on Twitter I was asked, in response to this piece of random smut I posted, if I preferred open or closed chastity. As in, something like the Looker or Jail Bird as opposed to the Steelheart. I replied…

I thought I had expressed that preference here before, but I can’t assume every person on Twitter has read what’s basically a defunct blog at this point. But yeah, closed. Because then it’s easier to forget that the thing inside is in there and a separate thing.

I remember very early on listening to a podcast that talked about male chastity. Early on for podcasts and early on for Thumper chastity. In it, the hosts said something about not being into chastity for “behavior modification” and I was like, whoa. What? What does that mean? It’s funny that I haven’t thought about that for such a long time.

Thing is, I can’t conceive of chastity as not modifying behavior. And not just the obvious tactical changes it enforces (no masturbating), but the big picture stuff, too. I suppose if you’re the kind of person who uses chastity situationally for an evening or weekend or something, then maybe. But I suspect if that’s you you’re not reading this blog. I, of course, am not in chastity for a night or a weekend. I’m in it days and weeks and months at a time. If you excuse the odd time out for cleaning or swapping devices or because Belle wants to get fucked, I’m locked up all the time. And it’s modified a lot more than just my behavior.

For example, that tweet up there. The Thumper who started this blog might be quite taken aback reading someone say what I did. There was a time that I was a pretty big fan of the penis and the chastity experience was driven by the electric frisson of having it contained and controlled. And I suppose it’s still the power of having it kept and out of hand that’s what flips whatever switch gets flipped in guys like me, but honestly, I’m really kind of over the penis. At least as a separate and distinct thing from the totality of being in chastity.

It’s…hard to explain. I’ve tried to before, in bits and pieces. I feel like this post from June and this one from two years ago and even this one from before that were all about this same thing. I’m not just behaviorally changed. I’ve been totally fucking rewired. I am not the same person. When I look at images of men masturbating or fucking or shooting their loads on the Tumblr, it’s like I’m looking at a different species of animal from myself. That is not me. That is not what I do.

I mean, I do do it when Belle wants and tells me to. But if she stopped telling me to? It might make my life easier, to be honest. Yes, of course, fucking feels good. Coming feels good. I want to fuck her when I’m getting her off, in or out of a device, but there’s this nagging voice in my head that tells me that while I can do those things, I really shouldn’t. If she tells me to, it’s almost like play acting. A kind of role play.

And this makes me wonder about a nature versus nurture thing. Had chastity never entered our lives, would I have become this? I can’t imagine so. But it feels so right to me. It feels like the real me. And it makes me wonder back to those podcast hosts from years ago. What’s wrong with behavior modification if it’s actually more a journey of self-discovery than a transformation into an altered state? As if any man would end up like this if you locked him up long enough.

I don’t believe that. I think the pathways need to be present for the signals to be routed on them. For a man to become what I am today requires the nature to be present in order for it to be nurtured out of him.

Like some kind of weird, kinky butterfly.

5 thoughts on “Butterfly effect

  1. I am curious, would or could you say the entire experience of chastity, denial, submission to Belle, to me and others has changed much more of your overall behavior than just your behavior with your penis? I ask because in the four plus years we have been exploring together as friends with and without benefits, I can see overall Thumper, the man, being more subdued, more in touch with and thriving under his submissive side, and generally more open and accepting about his kink and “non-existent” penis. In the nature versus nurture thing, did chastity cause all of these things, or would they have happened as a natural part of aging and acceptance? My personal feeling is it didn’t cause all of the behavior modification, but it likely sped it up significantly.

    1. Some of what you’re asking is that old “chastity makes me submissive”/“ARGH CASTITY CAN’T MAKE YOU SUBMISSIVE” argument that I used to read so much about. Of course, chastity and orgasm denial accentuate attributes that are already there and may actually unearth others you didn’t even know were there before and that’s the same with me. For example, cuckolding is nothing I ever thought about before being locked up and denied. Now there are days when I can think of almost nothing else. I always knew there was an sexual connection for me with pain, but nothing like the masochist I can be now. Same with bottoming. Same with a bunch of things.

      So, no, chastity did not cause me to feel or think things I already had in me, but it has definitely changed me. And I can’t imagine how those changes would have come about without being locked up and denied. I don’t think I’d ever get to a place where I’d say that I would accept losing access to the penis forever without it first being taken away from me. I don’t think I ever would have lost my penis-centric sexuality.

  2. After a month or so, it reminds me more of a spigot. I can turn urine on and off, and that’s about it. I suppose like a butterfly it transforms from a sexual tool for pleasure to a spout for urination. By the way, I prefer both styles. My rigid chastity 05, is enclosed tube but exposed tip. All of the enclosed feel with exposed cage hygiene.

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