Wandering the vacant rooms

I was out of chastity for thirty-nine days. By far and quite easily the longest time I’ve gone without that restriction since Belle first locked me up over nine years ago. I came ten times during that period, each by my own hand. That’s twice as many orgasms in just over a month than I had all year in 2017.

Whilst I was away from home (Americans need to start saying “whilst” more, don’t you think? And maybe “betwixt,” too.), Belle sent me a text saying I needed to go back in the minute I got home. Hearing her express a preference and give me the direction was a step in the right direction for me and us. We still have things to work on, but that’s a start.

I wanted out of chastity because I was sad and feeling like an afterthought. I felt like our relationship had been given a spot at the back of the bus. And that left me feeling empty and lonely. But once I was out, I felt…more empty. More alone. But I also lost the sense of who I was.

I’ve been denied normal orgasmic release for coming up on ten years. The penis has been locked away, off and on, for the same amount of time (more on than off lately, recent issues notwithstanding). I think I’ve always told myself that I could go back to “normal” if I wasn’t locked up and was coming on a regular basis. Not letting the denial energy build up. Just squeezing one out whenever I had the barest urge. I told myself that, but had I really been listening, I would have known that wasn’t the case. That when I went back to “normal” I was just as miserable as I was before. Because I’m not normal. I’m not supposed to come whenever I want. I’m not supposed to be able to reach in my pants at any given moment and feel the penis, squishy or otherwise.

Whatever I was before chastity and denial and submission and bottoming is gone. Jacking off in the shower was like wandering my boyhood home after the last family had moved out. Vacant rooms, bare walls. Cold. “Normal” me — which was never really me, just the facade I put up for forty-some years to satisfy cultural expectations — is dead and irretrievable. I never want to live like that again. I can’t.

I had already decided to stop jacking off before I left on my trip. I needed to restart my pilot light and feel those denied urges again. Not that I would have been able to resist forever using nothing but will power. I was even toying with the idea of putting myself back in lock-up, but felt the only way I would in reality was if Belle told me to. And she did.

What’s been absolutely confirmed to me by this experience is how little I think of my own orgasm. Three to five seconds of bliss in exchange for all the energy and dynamism and emotion that comes from not experiencing it? To never feel the drop after coming. To maintain myself in a stable, denied, horny and headspacey state of being. It’s so much better for me. It’s so perfectly clear that it’s exactly who I am supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be.

IMG_0307So I was going on about ten days without orgasm when I was in the woods and got Belle’s text. I was already feeling a bit horny, but seeing her wishes spelled out and knowing I was going to go back in kicked it up a notch. That led to a night of less than two hours sleep as my imagination kept playing bespoke dirty movies inside my head. The penis was hard most of the time but I was sharing a little one-room cabin with another guy (and a mouse). I realized at some point in the night my underwear had a large patch of precum soaked through.

The next day, I spent time trying to nap in my hammock. Just me and my tented underwear. Again, the imagination and the penis conspired. Everything was firing now and I felt much more in my element. Horny and desirous. Only lacking the friendly confines.

I will admit to losing my will in my hammock. Inside the bug netting and under the rain tarp, it was the only place I could get some privacy and I did edge myself for some time. I didn’t come, but I did leak quite a bit into my hand and, having nowhere else to put it, I had to eat it. The fact that I could was the, eh…”proof in the pudding” as it were that I didn’t orgasm. The drive home was long but I didn’t whip it out on the highway. I did rub it quite a bit though my pants.

Literally within ten minutes of being home, I was putting the Steelheart back. And it all just clicked into place. It was a bit odd feeling the heft and the bulk of the tube again, but I got used to it quickly. It is, after all, more me than what it contains.

Of course, Belle left the next morning. She’s gone until Thursday. But the whole week after that we’re up at the northern compound enjoying Independence Day. We have some stuff to figure out, but the corner has been turned. Sanity is returning.

6 thoughts on “Wandering the vacant rooms

  1. Thumper,

    Has the corner been turned or is it just that your dick is back in a cage? You went from posting April metrics with a warning that Belle’s travel schedule and yours were going to be out of sync, to Sitrep where you’ve been out of chastity for a month and “unhappy” and then to this post. Even though I’m not entitled to know anything about your life, I feel like something is missing from the story and just can’t help myself.

    In “April Metrics” you detail the travel schedule and lament “May will be more of the same and it’s really starting to take a toll on me, but that’s for another post.” Where’s our other post? Well, that takes us to Sitrep.

    In “Sitrep”, you start off telling us that you took your chastity device a month ago on the day. I totally get that for your dynamic, chastity is a team sport. My wife and I are very similar in that respect. I want to be denied, not ignored. When I’m in chastity, I find that I’m hyperfocused on sexual activity, but that energy gets channeled to my wife, rather than myself. For me, what seems to be missing from Sitrep is how did it come to pass that you took off your device? Who’s decision was it and why did it come about? Are you still seeing your therapist and was it discussed with him? And what about sex. Why is it that neither of you initiated it when you were together?

    So now you give us “Wandering the Vacant Rooms.” You tell us that you had been out of chastity for 39 days. With May having 31 days, it means that you posted “Sitrep” and went back in 8 days later (give or take). You shared in “Sitrep” that you were going to be away for a week and then Belle will be away for a week. I guess, you post Sitrep and she’s home, then you go away and she tells you to put your cage back on when you get back. What caused her to tell you to do this? Did you ask her (not in a I’m not going to do it way, but in the I’ve got my cage on, so why the sudden change way)? Now, you get home and she’s there. Do you make it know that the cage is back on? If so, how? Do either of you initiate any sort of sexual activity on your return?

    To sort of recap, you’re not happy in April because you are in chastity and she’s gone, you take it off in My, You’re gone for a week in June and she says to go back into chastity when you get back. You do that and now she leaves the next day. Why are you feeling any better? Aren’t you playing on the seesaw alone again?

    Ok, so she’ll be home in two days. Yes, your dick is in a cage and you know that to be your happy place, but it seems that you and Belle have some serious shit to discuss at the Northern Compound and I think that it must go well beyond chastity. At the very least, I hope it involves better synchronizing your travel plans so that you are both out of town at the same time. I say that because, for all the time I’ve been reading your blog, it seems better when you guys are together. For me personally, I find that the longer my wife and I are apart, the more I seem to distance myself from her emotionally and visit some dark places. Maybe it’s not the same for you, but I wish for you that your time with Belle heals whatever happened and that a corner has indeed been turned.


    The Illiterate Oaf

    1. Expressing an interest in me being in the cage is part of it. Also, my headspace and attitude. So…yes, partly, but it’s more than that, too.

    2. Funny, I replied to this via the WordPress dashboard and only saw the first sentence of your comment. I thought that was it.

      While reading your full comment, I though of Oliver Stone’s “JFK.” All it was missing was “back and to the right” repeatedly said with emphasis. Your attempt to piece together things unsaid, intentionally or not, is equal parts endearing and perplexing.

      Life is complicated. Sometimes, too complicated to make sense in this pinhole view into ours. Also, people are complicated. People in relationships and especially people who find themselves locked in chastity. Our emotions are complicated. Mine are more so thanks to that chastity thing I mentioned. This blog is a little slice of all that and sometimes relates those interlocking complexities better than others. What I’ve written so far is really all I want or can up to this point, though I may say more later.

      Your comment “it seems better when you guys are together” is true, I think, for most couples, but especially true when one half’s sexuality and sexual expression is dependent on the other. That’s a big part of what’s been an issue for us and, as you point out, it’s been brewing all year. I’m done making predictions about if and when things will get back to normal. I can’t predict things will stay on the track of improvement. All I can say (and said in this post) is how I feel right now today. Being told to get back into chastity made me feel better. It’s as simple as that, really.

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