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Clarification

Celtic Queen, in response to my last post, left the following comment:

Thumper, this sounds like a trite question (it isn’t meant to be) but are you happier as a person now?

Put another way, did control of your sex make you unhappy?

Then Chaz added…

You state that your OK with it. I think those that say you are trained might offer congratulations, yet I get more a sense of resigned acceptance from this post. It almost has a BCWYWF feel to it. I would echo CQ’s comment. Are you happy? You say you have changed, I would like to ask is it change for the better? Are you a better husband lover friend father? “BROKEN” as a title I would take to mean your will, but could it refer to something that needs to be fixed?

As I started to formulate a reply, I realized I might need a little more room, so here we are.

Starting at the end and with the title “Broken,” that was just a play on words. I used the “broken horse” metaphor in the post to describe how I was feeling about my sexual urges and it was a reference to that. Also, as I alluded to in the post, “broken” might have been how I would have described those feelings at an earlier stage in our dynamic. I wasn’t trying to say I was broken or my sex drive was (hell no!) or we were or anything ominous like that.

With regard to resigned acceptance, I guess that’s not an inaccurate description. What other option do I have? I could rail against my confinement and the generally low level of sexual activity we’ve had lately, but to what end? To put extra pressure on her? To make her feel guilty? To suggest I want out of the device and from under the dynamic? I don’t want any of those things. Hell yes I want more sex, but the timing wasn’t right and no matter how horny or frothed up I get, there’s nothing I can do about it. So yes, resigned acceptance. Acceptance that being the object of long-term enforced chastity isn’t always a crazy pornfest type of existence. Sometimes, things don’t work out how you’d like them to. You might be able to characterize resigned acceptance as negative, but you might just as well call it a healthy frame of mind and more productive than moaning and pissing about my grievances.

With regard to the “be careful what you wish for” vibe, yeah, totally, I was going for that. I can remember how incredibly turned-on the idea of chastity made me even when I was actually in that kind of relationship. I can remember how surreally horny I used to get and hopped up on hormones I’d be. This, though, is perhaps what the long tail of chastity looks like. Once your body adjusts and the new device smell goes away, you have to figure out a way to live with it. Be careful because sometimes it’s not all that hot. Sometimes, it’s freaking boring.

Am I a better “husband lover friend father”? I would really have to let Belle answer that, but I think I am a better husband. I think I was already a pretty good lover, though now I’m not able to use the penis on her in the way I know she likes. I was already very attentive in bed. I’d say that’s a push. Better friend? No, we’ve always been good friends. Better father? I’m not sure any of this has impacted that aspect of my life much at all.

Now, am I happy? That’s a bit trickier.

CQ asked, “Did control of your sex make you unhappy?” In a way, yes, because control of my sex led me to cheat on Belle. But, larger than that, control over my sex also led me away from her as it was easier and more convenient to pleasure myself than to seek that pleasure from her. I’m not making that “masturbation addiction” argument as I think it’s crap, but had I been able to jack off at will over the past few weeks, I wouldn’t be at all drawn to Belle for my needs. And isn’t that pretty much the entire point of enforced chastity? To bring a couple together so they can enjoy sexual intimacy only with each other and not by themselves? That morning we finally had sex was fantastic even though I was fucking horny as hell and left literally dripping with desire afterward.

No, I won’t say control over my sex left me unhappy, but having her control my sex does make me happier more often than not. Nothing in this world in perfect. There are no silver bullets. Living as I do is the same. There are good days, there are bad days. There are fucking amazing days, there are god awful days. In balance, though, I am where I want to be.

So, as a coda to my previous post, I should say having that one sexual session has changed my attitude remarkably. I’m feeling much hornier and more connected to my desires than I was before. Even to the point that holding the device in my hand as I clean it makes me think so much about what it means to have it on that it fills up with chubby penis meat and I can’t flush water through it. I’ll find myself fingering the hard ring under my waistband and, again, the stupid penis will try its best to plump out.

I am denied. My sex is totally controlled. And I am so fucking turned on by that.

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Broken

After almost three years of living with a penis locked into some kind of device, it’s often felt like a battle was going on inside me. My inclination to want to be dominated and denied going up against my hormonally-supercharged sex drive. It didn’t help that the very nature of being denied by a device is, in itself, a kind of sex play that kept desire for actual sex play top of mind.

If you’ve read this blog for a while (or from the beginning), you’ll know what I’m talking about. The number of nights I’ve laid in bed frustrated and angry at Belle for ignoring me and my needs have been numerous. I submitted to Belle in body only. My mind and spirit wanted more.

You might be wondering why things have been quiet here and it’s because things have been quiet here, in the real world, as well. Due to travel and nighttime work obligations and whatever else, we haven’t had sex for at least two weeks. Instead of being petulant or grumpy or in some way pressuring Belle, I just sort of cruised. I didn’t feel angsty inside. I didn’t feel much of anything. It was like my sex drive had been taped up in a box and put away somewhere out of reach.

Sure, I wanted her. I wanted all kinds of things, but I didn’t dwell on it or let any of those feelings back up on her. There was a sort of zen-like calm over me. Had I been out of the device, I’m sure I would have been rubbing the penis at every opportunity, but I didn’t have access and it was like it wasn’t even there. Before, not only would this have been hard for me to imagine, but I would have hated the very idea. Not having a great urge for sex and not really missing that urge would have been a state of mind I would have actively resisted.

Be that as it may, here I am. I’m not unhappy about it. I should be. I would have expected myself to be, but I’m not. How is it possible that I’ve gone over six weeks without an orgasm and have been denied access to the penis for nearly all that time and am not pissed off over the lack of sex? I dunno. If you were so inclined, you’d say I’ve been successfully trained. That the spirit of my inner male has been broken and the animal that once resisted control has now taken to its tack and saddle with equanimity. I think that’s about right. I am not, fundamentally, the same man I was three years ago. Not even one year ago. The experience of infrequent orgasm and nearly perpetually locked manhood have deeply affected me. Sometimes, I don’t even feel like a man anymore. I look like one and sound like one, but I’m not one. I’m something other. And, against all expectations, I’m OK with that.

We did eventually have sex, though. Yesterday, she let me feel her and suck her and finger her to orgasm. When it was over, I was quite hard and packed tightly into the tube. I wanted more. She started gently fingering my nuts and I opened myself to her, silently begging for more of her attention. Instead of more gentle caressing, she slapped me. Smacking my nuts instead of what I really wanted. I didn’t say anything. I just took it. She’d stroke and caress then SMACK! Inside, I was begging her to stop that and only be gentle, but whenever the words got close to being said, I felt them get trampled by the heavy boots of my domination. I don’t have the right to tell her what to do with those nuts. If she wants to make me feel good through them, she can. If she wants me to feel pain though them, she can. If she wants both, she can do that, too. And, while it hurt, it also really turned me on. And it made me appreciate all the more those moments of gentle caressing.

“Fuck, I want to be inside you,” I moaned on all fours, her body beneath mine.

Smack, smack! SMACK!! I cringed. It was as if she was reminding me of my place and punishing my impertinence.

Gently caressing the tight nutsack, she said, “Not now, Thumper. Soon. Maybe. It’s better for you to wait.”

Of course. She’s right. I should wait.

Later that morning, as I walked around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms, I could feel cold sticky strands of precum dripping down my inner thigh, getting caught up in my leg hair. Reaching inside, I could feel the end of the tube slick and covered with the gooey byproduct of my position. Bringing it to my face, I inhaled its subtle aroma and sucked it off my fingers. And I moaned.

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Fitting advice

Last month, reader Chris asked for some Steelheart buying advice. He’s back!

An update: I’ve been wearing the CB6000s for a few days now and it is a tighter fit for sure…

I bet! I never got a CB6Ks tube because I misunderstood why one would want it. I would ask if it was better or not, but then you said…

But my erections now seem to just push the entire device fwd so that the A ring slides up the shaft and pushes the balls forward. It’s uncomfortable to wear the device when the ring is not at the base of the cock but riding up it instead.

Is there a solution for this? Is it likely that the cock ring is too big? I’m using the middle sized ring and second to smallest spacer… I can fit into the next ring down but its rather tight and I can’t wear it for long… it can be painful at times and feels too tight

Do you have any secrets for keeping the ring in place and/or readjusting when it slides up?

Are you using lubricant at night? It doesn’t work miracles, but lubed is vastly better than not. How long have you been wearing a device? I don’t think you mentioned in your first note. Based on my experience, I’d say your scrotum hasn’t yet adjusted to being an anchor. As I’ve said in the past, my scrotum stretched over time. At the very beginning, the stress on my nuts was very painful (exacerbated, I think, by the sharp edge on the CB6K cuff). Now, they’re much more “relaxed” and the erection doesn’t pull on them any longer.

But does that mean your ring’s too big? Hard to say. If you can’t wear the next size down without discomfort even when flaccid, then you’re in the right one. You should be able to hook your pinky in there when soft. Remember that over time, the smallest ring  you can wear will change. It kinda sounds like your ring is a tad too big, but if the next one’s too tight, you have to wait until your body changes enough to allow you to wear it. This doesn’t go on forever, of course. There is an absolute smallest size you can wear and it’s probably not the smallest ring that came in the box.

Recently, I switched to the larger of my two Steelheart rings. My usual one is 40mm, the big one is 45. Since then, I’ve found that the device rides lower all the time, which would be expected, and is surprisingly more noisy (what with the PA ring clanking around inside), but I seldom wake up due to erections. In fact, the entire sensation of being hard in it is quite mild. Confined and nicely tight, but not uncomfortable. In the smaller ring, the erection is constricted more and the erectile tissue balloons out behind the device inside my body. The upshot of that is that it then tends not to pull on my balls as much. In the larger one, I get something much closer to a proper stiffy and find about 2/3″ of erection outside the device behind the ring. It still bulges a bit inside my body, but not as much. Long way to say, if your device has too big a ring, I might expect it to fit more like mine (and it sounds like it does), but I’d also expect it to be more comfortable. All bodies are different, especially when one’s been locked up for three years and one hasn’t, and the CB6K is not going to sit the same way the SH-S does.

I know this all makes fitting a device sound incredibly complicated, and I guess it is to a point. There’s only so far one man’s experience will get you before your own specifics get in the way. If only I had a lab full of men to test on.

Hmm. Now there’s a thought.

Thanks for everything… your blog is a great resource.

We aim to please.

My situation in many ways resembles yours. Except I have a wife AND a girlfriend that both serve as keyholder.

Whoa there, pardner. You have two women locking you up? You know what they say. Pictures or it never happened. Minimally, you need to provide more details about how that works.

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Incoming!

Being a blogger who blogs about personal stuff is kinda weird. On the one hand, I do it because it helps satisfy a need I have to write about my life. On the other, there’s all these people who read it. Sometimes, I’m not entirely sure it’s a good thing that I do this so publicly (yet privately), but I do and there are a fairly decent number of you watching me do it. How much of what I say is showing off for the crowds? How beholden to you do I feel? I admit to sometimes posting only because I notice I’m losing your combined attention. I can see this, of course, by watching the number of page views I get. While looking at that, I also see where many of you come from.

So, before I continue, yes, this is going to be one of those self-referential blog posts about the blog. We all get to do them from time to time. I thought, in the spirit of posting something when I don’t actually have much to say on my own, that it might be interesting to tell you where most people who visit Denying Thumper through other sites come from. Here are my top five referrers from the past 30 days.

1. Keyheld

Keyheld was the brainchild of blogger Dev who wanted it to be the “go to” site for all things male chastity related. Apparently, she’s succeeded brilliantly. Keyheld is almost always my number one referrer on any given day and over the past month has sent me almost twice the clicks than that of my number two referrer. On the rare occasion that she features DT there, the clicks are even higher. It has certainly become the Chastity Blogroll to Rule Them All.

2. Femdom Resource

This one kind of surprised me. Yes, I see Femdom Resource in my list of referrers every day, but never would have guessed it was number two. But is it. I now feel so guilty about getting all that traffic from there totally unreciprocated that I’ve added the site to my own page of liked links. I had thought about it a couple times but never got around to it. In any event, it’s a very nice site and a great hub for many things related to femdommery.

3. Jane’s Guide

The newcomer! As I mentioned the other day, I’ve only recently been listed on the all-around swell adult review site Jane’s Guide. Day to day, it’s duking it out with Keyheld as my main source of links, but I suspect that may slow down once their review of me slips down the What’s New ladder.

4. Male Protection

This is the stumper. Male Protection describes itself as “a photocaption/
photomanipulation blog with original stories about enforced male chastity, boyification, penis reduction, mounding, age regression, erotic fashion, cfnm, femdom, role-reversal, cuckolding, asfr, transformations, and more.” And more! As if that’s not enough! I’m not even sure what “asfr” is.

The blogger over there with the broad and varied tastes goes by the name Chirenon and is actually quite good at the whole photocaption/photomanipulation thing. Some of the stuff he comes up with gives me an uncomfortable tube, to be sure, but what I’m stumped about is how very unlike our two sites are and how much traffic I get from his. It’s almost entirely made up of the fantastic while mine is the exact opposite. I’m not complaining or anything. Like I said, some of his stuff nicely flips my switch. He even coined the word “protector” in reference to chastity devices and  I know I’ve let it slip into my own writing from time to time. In any event, if you’re into photomanipulation (or any of the 56 other things his blog’s about), check it out.

5. The Kristen Archives

Number five is actually The Portfolio, but I’m disqualifying it since it’s part of the Worldwide Thumpermedia empire.

I’m not exactly sure why the vast collection of written porn called The Kristen Archives ranks so prominently. At the very bottom of their home page is a list of top referrers and DT is on that list, though I barely send them any traffic. To be honest, I think the list is broken. There was a couple weeks where, after I mentioned them in a post, my readers clicked over, but it’s dropped to a trickle. In any event, a respectable number of people seem to avoid clicking on any of the hundreds of salacious things above my site’s name way down the page and find themselves here. Hi, pervs! Nice to see you!

Rounding out the top dozen or so are a handful of blogs not unlike this one. Locked Husband leads that pack followed by he who begat us all, Tom Allen and The Edge of Vanilla. Then there’s The Wife Led Husband (even though his URL says he’s a secret chastity husband) and the Naked Husband. So many husbands. Husband, husband, husband. That’s a weird looking word if you read it too many times. Husband.

Mixed in amongst the blogs, there’s Reddit (which I admit to never having used nor can I even understand why it’s there), some Twitter clicks, and Chastity Forums. Then there’s the long tail of numerous other blogs and search engines stretching away into infinity, including, waaaaaaay down the list, a new year old blog about female chastity (there is such a thing!?). All that being said, the vast majority of people who read this blog come here directly and not through any other site. More than ten times as many people, apparently.

So there you have it. Now, since I obviously don’t have anything on topic to talk about, maybe you should click on one of the links above you’ve never seen before and check them out.

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Tale of the tape

It’s been a month now since I came in that nice hotel room all by myself and against the rules. Well, not so much against the rules. More like against The Rule™. Belle says I have just one more night of having to sleep with clothes on but at least two more months before she lets me come again. Just this morning, right after she came, in my charmingly squirmy and needy way, I asked her if she was craving the feeling of her husband inside her. She said yes, but that was too bad. I had, after call, come without permission. Then she laughed at me. Ah, love.

There’s really not much else to say around here. Belle was having her period for a while and then I had a very minor medical procedure that nonetheless messed me up for a day due to anesthetic. There’s hasn’t been a lot of action to report. The one thing I can say is that any speculation on the interwebs about long-term chastity having an adverse affect on the size of a man’s erection should cease. There’s one or a couple bloggers who suggest that keeping a guy locked up for a long time shrinks erections once they’re allowed out and, I suppose, there’s a sliver of logic at work in thinking that. In reality, however, it just doesn’t happen.

As I mentioned last week, I was out of the device for a day and a half due to some irritation. During that time, I found myself with a hard penis in my hand (purely for research and reporting purposes, of course – I’m always thinking about my readers) and decided, since it seemed like it was about as hard as it gets, that I’d check to see how things were going. I got the measuring tape and verified that Belle’s cock is every bit the 5 and 5/8s inches it has ever been, even though it spends almost all the time locked inside a very short steel tube.

I’ve said before I thought all this “chastity makes dicks smaller” stuff was wrong, but it’s worth saying again, I suppose. The root of this talk is two-fold, in my opinion. First, even something as small as the Steelheart Short seems relatively gargantuan when compared to the average flaccid penis. I know while I was out how shockingly small Belle’s seemed when it was soft, especially with a 4 GA circular barbell through the end of it, but as I said, it was exactly the same size as always. Free meat always seems amazingly uncomplicated but also much less substantial and put-together somehow. Second, I think at least some men who have come to the point where they’re kept in a device nearly all the time have also found themselves in a place very unlike that of other men. Specifically, their sex life and the satisfaction of their lover very often has little or nothing to do with their penis. It’s relative importance becomes less and the oversized role it plays in their sense of self diminishes. Some of them could start to wish their dicks were less significant because it plays into the nullification kink they might also be getting off on. They start to want a little penis, it feels smaller when it’s out, therefore, chastity makes it so.

No, ma’am. I’m not buying it.

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Option 4

Mykey said, in response to my suggestion that Belle could punish me with an extension of my denial:

Can’t see the denial working. Belle doesn’t like that control not being hers, as you’ve found when trying fixed long periods before.

If I had suggested the denial extension and Belle had said, “Oh, yeah, good idea. We’ll do that,” then I’d agree with you. It’s why I’m hesitant to suggest these things. Whose idea is this, anyway? But, Belle told me last night that “option four” was one of the ways she’s been considering that I be punished, so it’s not my idea. Also, since she came up with it and has chosen how much extra time will be added to my denial, it is her control. Before when we’ve done “extended denial” the periods were always somewhat arbitrary. Not so this time.

She told me this morning that I won’t come again until December. That’s about a one month extension, but since it was only “November” before and now it’s just “December” we could be looking at up to two extra months, depending on timing. In any event, it’s possible I’ll only come one more time this year. If it happens in the middle of December sometime, then I’ll have gone four months between orgasms. The longest I’ve gone before that was a hair under three months.

I mentioned yesterday that I moved back to the 45 mm cuff ring due to a nasty hot spot under the 40 mm ring. There is, of course, no difference at all with regard to security since the device is still affixed to me by my PA piercing and cannot be removed, but the looser ring makes it feel as though it’s not as secure. Getting it on was a total breeze. I am now able to report with certainty that my testicles are bigger around than 40 mm but smaller than 45 mm. In fact, they more or less fell through the larger ring. No wincing whatsoever. I was interested in how it’d feel overnight, but I can’t tell you. I wasn’t awaked at 4:00 as usual. Not even a little. I slept through all the nocturnal hydraulics. I guess that’s a good thing, but I have to admit that it kinda feels like cheating.

The healing is coming right along so I’ll stay in the 45 mm for the time being. Who knows. Maybe it’ll be the way I go from now on.

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Reaffirmation

The other day, we asked our 12-year-old son to put some meat into the deep freeze in the garage. Well, actually, Belle asked me to do it and I delegated the task to the boy thinking carrying meat and operating a freezer door was within his operational capabilities. Well…about 1:00 AM the next morning, Belle was woken up by some oddly muffled beeping sound. Following it downstairs, we found the freezer door to open just a smidge and the air in the freezer, instead of being its usual -3, was 31. The beeping was the freezer doing its best to tell someone, anyone, of the impeding food disaster.

Back in bed and unable to sleep, I prompted a discussion about the recent series of posts and the revelation that if I was allowed to break the most basic tenant of our dynamic without consequence, then what did it mean to either of our commitments to that dynamic? Long story short, she’ll be deploying a series of punishments for the offense (as she thinks of them, I assume) and I have promised to reaffirm my commitment to never having an orgasm again without her permission. We’re both reaffirming this arrangement.

The first part of my punishment is not being allowed to sleep naked. It’s not that big of a deal, on the face of it, but I really like sleeping naked and have been very good about respecting that rule. Only Belle can permit me to be naked in bed. If she falls asleep before giving me the green light, I sleep in pajamas. Period. Well, kinda period. That’s something else that’s slipped in the past few weeks. I’ve slept naked under the assumption that she’d let me, which is not at all the same thing. So, as of now, I’m not allowed to be naked in bed. Not even when I’m pleasuring her, which I did this morning. I was entirely covered while she was exposed. Part of the punishment.

During our talk, she prompted me to tell her how she might punish me. It’s often been a challenge for her. How do you punish someone who would otherwise like all the normal tactics? It’s hard for me to tell her how to punish me because it seems like cheating somehow. I do tell her things I genuinely dislike, but the act of telling her turns me on. So anyway, a few ideas (only the first two I said at the time) are:

  • IcyHot on the nuts – It’s been a long time since she used that on me. I really do dislike it as anyone who’s ever had IcyHot on his nuts would appreciate.
  • Caning – I bought a nice flexible cane and we’ve yet to use it. If she were to take a couple three whacks at my ass as hard as she could without warm up, you can be sure I would not like it.
  • The nasty nipple clamps – Yes, I usually like them, but they’re pretty cruel. If she put them on me, twisted them around a bit and them ripped them off by force, I would be in a great deal of pain.
  • Extra long denial – Yeah, yeah, I can hear you thinking, a la Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!” but hear me out. I know, based on past experience now, that really long denial gets very hard after 2-3 months and at the moment I really do crave an orgasm, so instead of making me wait until November as she’s doing now, what if I had to wait until January? Or March? And every time I whined about how badly I wanted to come or be inside her, she could tell me that under normal circumstances that would be allowed, but there was that one I stole from her in a hotel room back in August, so…

Leaving me out of her orgasms, as I’ve said before, is maybe the worst punishment but that only works if she’s actually getting off without me. If she never masturbates, then I’m just left to float and that ends up being counter-productive in the end.

In other news, I was forced out of the device for about 36 hours due to a nasty hot spot under the right side of the cuff ring. It was already acting up before I went to the doctor’s the other day, but somehow going back in afterward made it a lot worse. I put it back on yesterday but it was persistently annoying so I’ve swapped out the 40mm cuff with my original 45mm ring. It feels ridiculously large but the irritated spot doesn’t seem to notice it, so it’s better than nothing. It’ll be interesting to see how it feels tonight under “full load” since I’ve never worn this combination of tube and ring before.

Also, I had an interesting dream last night. In it, Belle and I were with an assortment of friends having dinner somewhere (I can’t remember who it was or where we were, of course, but they were friends) and at some point the name of someone we both used to work for came up. We’ll call him “Dennis”.

In the dream, she said, “Dennis? Oh, he kicked the ass of Randy in bed last night!” Randy was another guy she used to work for.

Conversation stopped at the table (in the dream) and I said somewhat nervously, “Sweetie, you were at home last night with me, remember?” But the night before that, in the dream, she had been in New York with Dennis. I had no idea she had been with either Dennis or Randy before she blurted this out.

There was nervous laughter at the table and that’s all I remember.

And yeah, I found that to be pretty f’n hot. Both at the time and in retrospect. I told Belle this morning and we both had a good laugh because Dennis was a pretty good looking guy who may have been good in bed, but Randy wasn’t and didn’t look it. I told Belle how it had turned me on.

“Dew on a blade of grass would turn you on,” she said.

A bit of an exaggeration. But just a bit.