I was jonesing to write a post and luckily enough a reader going by the handle 60and40boyfiend commented on a recent post…
Thumper, this may be in the wrong place but I am curious if you still consider yourself an active bisexual since you ended your relationship with Drew? You don’t talk about him or men in general much now, so did that get it out of your system so to speak? I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do. Did you have regrets? Have you found other men?
Btw, how are Drew and Fro-to? I miss hearing about them.
I used to think like you do. That my urges regarding men were transitory and once they were “out of my system” I’d go back to whatever passes for normal. But that’s just wrong. A bisexual in a monogamous opposite-sex relationship is still bisexual. A bisexual in a monogamous same-sex relationship is still bisexual. We are not defined by who we’re fucking or being fucked by. Being bisexual isn’t about the physical arrangement of one’s life. It’s about how one’s brain is wired to their junk.
If you were in my imagination (or perhaps perused one of my Tumblrs), you’d see I’m still very much an “active” bisexual. That doesn’t mean I’m always and equally attracted to both genders (or, for that matter, that my taste in porn is an accurate reflection of my feelings — I’ve always been more drawn to gay porn than straight). My sexuality is a continuum that oscillates along the Kinsey scale from about a 2 to about a 4 with maybe some brief excursions into 1 and 5 from time to time. I can’t explain that. I don’t know why I feel like that. I’ve tried hard to identify the “triggers” that make me move in one direction or another (and started doing so back when what I wanted more than anything was to be a simple 0), but I’ve decided the factors are either random or so multilayered that I’m never going to figure them out. Also, that I don’t need to. I’m never going to stop oscillating and I’m never going to be gay or straight. Luckily, I’m in a long term committed relationship where that’s not a problem. Belle accepts me as I am and has allowed me the opportunity to express my desires (with some specific limitations).
Regarding not talking about men here, that’s more a function of what this blog is about (Belle and I) than what I’m thinking or doing. My adventures with Drew and Frodo were never supposed to star here in any great detail. They’re both hanging around and both remain tantalizing possibilities that, based on the previous paragraph, you’ll understand I’m more interested in some days than others. And they’re both doing well. With Drew, you don’t need to take my word for it.
The thing that keeps me from engaging with them more than I might like to has nothing to do with how bisexual I feel on any given day. My issue currently is that a chronic injury has led me to slack off dramatically from my exercise routine which has in turn left me feeling very dissatisfied with my body and decidedly unsexy. I’m trying to turn things around, but I can’t separate how I feel about myself from how I feel about being with anyone (even Belle, if I’m honest). So that’s a whole ‘nuther layer that really only I can do anything about.
On a related topic, I recently said this on Twitter…
The more I think about it, the more I think “bottom” and “sub” are the sexuality labels that are the most meaningful for me rather than “bisexual.”
— thumper 🐇 (@thumperMN) January 4, 2018
I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around that, but it feels true. Perhaps because I’m bisexual and round off to a Kinsey 4 (dead center) it’s easier for me to say it. Also, if there was a Kinsey scale for Dom-sub, I’d be pegged at the sub end (haha, see what I did there?). In general, I’m a person who lives in gray spaces between the poles, except in this one way. I have essentially no dominant tendencies.
I wonder sometimes if my predilection towards being a bottom (in the male homosexual sense of the word, not the “synonymous with sub” sense) is partially due to the fact that I have no access to the penis. For me, the penis has transmuted into this (usually) steel numb thing between my legs that pressurizes when I’m horny and whose absence leaves me feeling off-center and weird. I don’t like seeing the penis. I don’t like being free. I don’t want to use it for anything other than what Belle tells me to (and even then I do it more because she likes and wants it). The Steelheart in particular is more me than the thing within it. In some ways, I feel like the epicenter of my sexual focus has migrated backward a few inches and inward. I’m not a person who fucks, I’m a person who gets fucked. I’m not a person who takes sexual pleasure from others directly, I’m a person who allows others to take their pleasure from me. Being used in whatever way someone needs to use me to achieve maximum sexual pleasure is, TBH, the hottest thing I can possibly imagine.
You might read that “get fucked, not fuck” thing and think, geeze, you sound gay to me. But I’m not. I still love Belle. I still love pussy and tits and hips and women. So it’s a conundrum. And I do what Belle wants me to do with the penis because, like I said, I’m a fucking sub. If what makes her happy is to have me feel or do a certain thing, then that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability.
Living with bisexuality for fifty years has taught me not to get too hung up in my own underwear. All I want is to know myself better than I have before. To understand my motivations and predilections. To explore how my sexuality has been changing as age and circumstance have changed around it. But I won’t worry about it. I won’t freak out as things evolve and as I realize and recognize that evolution. I am what I am and try to live without regret for that not being what I wish it could or should be.
So I wrote all that before rereading your comment while proofreading the post…
Last thing. You said, “I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do.” Ask yourself if you’re just over this one guy or if you’re over guys. You might feel that men don’t hold much allure for you right now. I get that, totally. Or it might be you’re just kind of over this certain dude. But whatever you think, don’t imagine for a second that it’s “out of your system” because it ain’t and never will be.
