Active bisexual

I was jonesing to write a post and luckily enough a reader going by the handle 60and40boyfiend commented on a recent post

Thumper, this may be in the wrong place but I am curious if you still consider yourself an active bisexual since you ended your relationship with Drew? You don’t talk about him or men in general much now, so did that get it out of your system so to speak? I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do. Did you have regrets? Have you found other men?

Btw, how are Drew and Fro-to? I miss hearing about them.

I used to think like you do. That my urges regarding men were transitory and once they were “out of my system” I’d go back to whatever passes for normal. But that’s just wrong. A bisexual in a monogamous opposite-sex relationship is still bisexual. A bisexual in a monogamous same-sex relationship is still bisexual. We are not defined by who we’re fucking or being fucked by. Being bisexual isn’t about the physical arrangement of one’s life. It’s about how one’s brain is wired to their junk.

If you were in my imagination (or perhaps perused one of my Tumblrs), you’d see I’m still very much an “active” bisexual. That doesn’t mean I’m always and equally attracted to both genders (or, for that matter, that my taste in porn is an accurate reflection of my feelings — I’ve always been more drawn to gay porn than straight). My sexuality is a continuum that oscillates along the Kinsey scale from about a 2 to about a 4 with maybe some brief excursions into 1 and 5 from time to time. I can’t explain that. I don’t know why I feel like that. I’ve tried hard to identify the “triggers” that make me move in one direction or another (and started doing so back when what I wanted more than anything was to be a simple 0), but I’ve decided the factors are either random or so multilayered that I’m never going to figure them out. Also, that I don’t need to. I’m never going to stop oscillating and I’m never going to be gay or straight. Luckily, I’m in a long term committed relationship where that’s not a problem. Belle accepts me as I am and has allowed me the opportunity to express my desires (with some specific limitations).

Regarding not talking about men here, that’s more a function of what this blog is about (Belle and I) than what I’m thinking or doing. My adventures with Drew and Frodo were never supposed to star here in any great detail. They’re both hanging around and both remain tantalizing possibilities that, based on the previous paragraph, you’ll understand I’m more interested in some days than others. And they’re both doing well. With Drew, you don’t need to take my word for it.

The thing that keeps me from engaging with them more than I might like to has nothing to do with how bisexual I feel on any given day. My issue currently is that a chronic injury has led me to slack off dramatically from my exercise routine which has in turn left me feeling very dissatisfied with my body and decidedly unsexy. I’m trying to turn things around, but I can’t separate how I feel about myself from how I feel about being with anyone (even Belle, if I’m honest). So that’s a whole ‘nuther layer that really only I can do anything about.

On a related topic, I recently said this on Twitter…

I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around that, but it feels true. Perhaps because I’m bisexual and round off to a Kinsey 4 (dead center) it’s easier for me to say it. Also, if there was a Kinsey scale for Dom-sub, I’d be pegged at the sub end (haha, see what I did there?). In general, I’m a person who lives in gray spaces between the poles, except in this one way. I have essentially no dominant tendencies.

I wonder sometimes if my predilection towards being a bottom (in the male homosexual sense of the word, not the “synonymous with sub” sense) is partially due to the fact that I have no access to the penis. For me, the penis has transmuted into this (usually) steel numb thing between my legs that pressurizes when I’m horny and whose absence leaves me feeling off-center and weird. I don’t like seeing the penis. I don’t like being free. I don’t want to use it for anything other than what Belle tells me to (and even then I do it more because she likes and wants it). The Steelheart in particular is more me than the thing within it. In some ways, I feel like the epicenter of my sexual focus has migrated backward a few inches and inward. I’m not a person who fucks, I’m a person who gets fucked. I’m not a person who takes sexual pleasure from others directly, I’m a person who allows others to take their pleasure from me. Being used in whatever way someone needs to use me to achieve maximum sexual pleasure is, TBH, the hottest thing I can possibly imagine.

You might read that “get fucked, not fuck” thing and think, geeze, you sound gay to me. But I’m not. I still love Belle. I still love pussy and tits and hips and women. So it’s a conundrum. And I do what Belle wants me to do with the penis because, like I said, I’m a fucking sub. If what makes her happy is to have me feel or do a certain thing, then that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability.

Living with bisexuality for fifty years has taught me not to get too hung up in my own underwear. All I want is to know myself better than I have before. To understand my motivations and predilections. To explore how my sexuality has been changing as age and circumstance have changed around it. But I won’t worry about it. I won’t freak out as things evolve and as I realize and recognize that evolution. I am what I am and try to live without regret for that not being what I wish it could or should be.

So I wrote all that before rereading your comment while proofreading the post…

Last thing. You said, “I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do.” Ask yourself if you’re just over this one guy or if you’re over guys. You might feel that men don’t hold much allure for you right now. I get that, totally. Or it might be you’re just kind of over this certain dude. But whatever you think, don’t imagine for a second that it’s “out of your system” because it ain’t and never will be.

21 thoughts on “Active bisexual

    1. Way back in the Stone Age, before we were even married, she told me she had zero interest in ever doing that. She’s reiterated her lack of interest since. So I don’t press it.

  1. That’s a well-thought-out response to a very complex topic.Gives New meaning to Relationships!
    Thank You.

  2. I’d say I’m almost 95% the same as you, Thump. Honestly the biggest difference I can see is that my wife is a sub as well. Neither of us has much natural predisposition towards dominance. I feel it a bit, but she’s also older than me, so the dynamic that’s existed for our 20 years together works to stifle any notion I have of being able to top her, so to speak. I’m curious where you’d rate Belle on the sub-dom spectrum.

    I’m also wavering in a lull with my feeling towards men. Definitely there and I scratch that itch from time to time on Tumblr, etc., but it’s just not currently an overwhelming feeling that I NEED some dick.

    The other dimension I’d be curious about regarding our commenter is on the romantic spectrum. I’ve seen you post that you’re a hetero-romantic, and I am as well. I really enjoy sex with men, but I’m not interested in them romantically. My desires for women, and my feelings about pussy and tips and butts and hips, as you say, are absolutely tied to my romantic imagining of women and relationships with them. So, for me, every encounter with men in the past has primarily been a one off, and the few times it wasn’t, there were things about the guy that bugged me – and I feel like I notice those things because there isn’t an emotional connection. Maybe you’ve had that, but I haven’t. I really do wonder about it sometimes. Like, what would it be like to meet a guy that seems fun, that I get along with on a friendly basis, and get to know them before we get naked – if any quirks would pass by because we’re already connected.

    Anyhow, once bi, always bi. No doubt. One of the reasons for that, hopefully, is starting to die out because gay people – even though we strictly aren’t, that’s how most people see us – are being accepted more. So hopefully less of us are dealing with our internal taboo that “this is wrong” and feeling like we need to deny that part of ourselves exists.

  3. I appreciate your comments on this. I’ve always been physically attracted to both men and women. My Tumblr, as well, clearly shows what gets me excited. I have had the occasional sexual contact with men in my late teens/early twenties, primarily oral giving & receiving. I still want to experience that again as well as being fucked by guy. Something about that really gets me hot!

    I have never felt an emotional need or a connection toward men. My desires have been simply carnal.

    1. Here’s my question for you… Not for Thumper, per se, because I think we know he’s had enough opportunities, but…

      Have you ever really given that a chance ? I know, for me, I’ve thought about it a decent amount recently and because of the time we were growing up (I’m 48, so 70s and 80s) neither gay or bi was an acceptable thing. So I don’t feel like I’ve ever truly made a space in my own head where a “relationship” with a man was a real possibility. I’ve accepted that, like you, sexual attraction to men is purely carnal. I’m totally fine with that, but I wonder how much of that is a rationalization, to some extent.

      Problem is, I’m married, and have been for 20 years, so there isn’t much room for meeting a guy – the right guy (LOL) – and developing a relationship to see if that space in my head exists or not.

      1. That is a great question. One that I’ve given lots of thought to over the years. We are, indeed, very similar. I’m 51 and have been married for 28 years. I remember as a kid, my sexual fantasies were of both men and women. However, I only ever had the connection to women.

        I have never really made space in my head to even consider a real relationship with a guy and honestly don’t know that I could. What I do know is: I have a strong physical attraction to men and really want to explore that more. When I look at porn or Tumblr, it is always more gay/bi than hetero.

        Will I ever have a sexual experience with another man…who knows.

        I hope I’ve sufficiently muddied the waters with my reply!

      2. I believe the number of men like us who find other men sexually attractive yet not romantically attractive is what drives the “homosexuality is a choice” myth. Those who say it can associate with finding men attractive but choose not to act on those urges (maybe because their emotional attraction to women is so much stronger) so anyone who does is making a choice to be gay. Except they’re not factoring in the romantic piece. Gay men are gay because they find other men romantically compatible, not just because they find them sexually attractive.

  4. Yeah, I didn’t get into it again with this post, but my flavor of bisexuality precludes a romantic element. I can’t love a man like I can a woman. I can get close, but it never reaches critical mass. Bisexual, heteromantic. That’s me.

  5. Thanks for that. I don’t mention “bi-sexual” to people because, well, there’s no point, I’m in an exclusive relationship with a man. That doesn’t make me any less bi-sexual, though “gay” is convenient shorthand that works well enough for almost all people.

  6. Thumper, and all, thanks for the whole post response to me. I get exactly where you are coming from, but how do you not feel like you used the men who used you? I am done with my fuck buddy but can’t tell him even though I generall don’t like him or have anything in common with him. I used to watch Twitter and here and I would see you and Drew going back and forth and you could tell there was a chemistry, even though you were often very negative, but when you just hit that spot where the bisexual went into hiding, how was that fair to Drew and how did you not hurt him by telling him to hit the highway ? I’m not accusing you of anything but It is what makes me worry and that doesn’t seem like either breakup which would be healthy for all of us.

    1. If you’re not into your fuck buddy anymore, then he’s not really your buddy. Drew and I are friends who will occasionally have sex and I’m sure there were emotional consequences related to how our relationship has evolved (on both sides), but I don’t know I’d use the term “breakup.”

      Bottom line, it sounds to me like ending your arrangement with this guy is overdue.

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