Tag: kink

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FLR, not so much

In the beginning, my kink seemed simple: Belle should control my orgasms and occasionally tie me to the bed and rough me up. As is my wont, I dove head-first into all teh interwebs had to offer regarding anything and everything even remotely related to these subjects. I had no vocabulary with which to describe what I was thinking, so I found myself adopting the words of others (hey, it’s what we humans do). Not only that, but I found myself drifting from the relatively simple desires that got me started looking in the first place. The vast majority of blogs I found at first were written by men who not only abdicated control of their orgasms to their partners, but who also seemed to want to abdicate all control to them. The concept of “female-led relationship” entered my thinking.

FLR and what I wanted have a lot in common, but also some significant differences. First, there is no bondage or sadism inherent in FLR (at least not from what I can see). Instead, those who get off on FLR are pulling energy from the total imbalance of power in their relationship. The woman controls all. Everything he does centers around serving her. You could say this has a sadistic flavor to it, but I like pain that’s physical rather than mental (which is not to say FLR men are suffering mentally or anything). I do want Belle to have control, but just over my cock. I do want to do things for her, but not at her command. I do want to make her happy, but I want to be happy, too.

In truth, being the kind of person Belle’d need to be to pull off an FLR relationship isn’t her cup of tea. She’s just not wired that way. And really, I’m not either. There are times when the hormones are surging that I’ll do anything she wants. Those are good times. I happily service her in whatever way she requires (sexually or domestically or whatever). However, there are also times I just want to sit downstairs and play video games, even after two and a half weeks without coming. The few times she’s tried to command me (tell me to do something rather than ask), I’ve felt an internal wall come up. I guess I resent anyone telling me what to do, even she who controls my penis. Now, if she wants to predicate my sexual release on some totally unrelated task, fine. But bossing me around the house? No thanks.

There’s a larger point here. I’m just not interested in exchanging all the power in our relationship. When we’re approaching sex, YES, I want that. When we’re making dinner, no, I don’t. She can put a collar on me and make me kneel and suck her toes all she wants, but I’m not really interested in having each and every thing I do sexualized (nor has she demonstrated an interest in that). I think we could do it over short periods (an evening or over a day or two) but, really, 24/7? God, that’d be so much damned work for both of us. And I guess that’s where I draw the line between what I want from Belle and whatever FLR is. I read FLR as a 24/7 thing where the man is always and obviously beneath the woman. I’m perfectly happy doing the FLR thing as a scene, but not as a lifestyle choice.

So we’re back where we started. I want Belle to control my orgasms and occasionally tie me to the bed and rough me up. There are other things, too, but that’s the meat of my kink. Even though I have no idea what to call it (other than by the names of its component pieces), trying to over-analyze, over-define, or over-structure it is unproductive for both of us.

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626 v. 217

Over on The Glow Inside, I found this entry linking to one of those silly web quizzes that tells you something about yourself. Specifically, it attempts to quantify one’s sexual perversions and render a kinkiness score. My favorite of these kinds of things is this old chestnut that supposedly tells you how gay you are. According to a British television network, I am fairly gay, but my score seems to fluctuate wildly. Seems to me, the best way to find out how gay you are (as a male) is to ask how much you like sucking a cock or having it up your ass, but what do I know? That’d make for a pretty short quiz, I suppose.

In any event, Belle and I took the kink test. I scored somewhat higher than I expected with a 626 out of 1000 (a “Major League Kinkster”, apparently). It’s true that there are few things I’m not willing to try or are interested in, but my practical experience in many of them is limited. Guess I got a bunch of “A for effort”-type credit. I wasn’t sure Belle’d break 100, but she scored a whopping 217 which, they say, sweetly hints at her kinky nature. Belle’s immediate comment was, “Why are we together?” but I was really pretty enthused. I mean, sweetly hinting at a kinky side? Sounds good to me. At least there is a kinky side, right? Could have been a lot worse.

Oh, and by the way, we’re together because I’m deeply in love with her and can’t imagine being anywhere else. So there.

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Well, that was weird.

Last night was not especially great. Belle’s flight was delayed so she got home really late. Also, she had to get up early this morning and’ll be at a work thing tonight, so there’s no telling when we’ll get a chance for some quality time. Suddenly, the real world has shoved its nose into our life and I’m not liking it. It’s given rise to some worries.

Last post, I talked about the whole “exotic pet” metaphor. If someone had dropped a lemur or ferret on her doorstep without instruction, Belle’d be just as hard-pressed to deal with it as she is dealing with her suddenly kinky, horny, submissive husband. While I did order her some books, they only can help her so much if, at the end of the day, her heart’s just not in it. I never asked her if she wanted to control my orgasms and we never really talked about adding a large measure of kink into our sex lives. I more or less dumped all that on her. Well, what if she doesn’t like it? What if none of this really gets her going? In order for it to work for me, I need it to work for her. And last night, it just wasn’t.

Since she called me and told me about the things she was buying in San Francisco, I have been fixated on the collar. The other things (cuffs, straps, etc.) are also intriguing to me, but I’ve been imagining the collar almost constantly- the first time she put it on me, the way it would look around my neck, the way it would make me feel. Yeah, I’ve taken this whole pet thing pretty seriously. So last night she comes home late and pretty much says we aren’t going to be using any of the new items. I didn’t really think she’d be tying me up, but not even the collar? I can’t even try it on? I had built this moment up in my mind – me, the pet, getting my first collar, from her, my owner – and instead I get a tired wife who just wants to go to bed. No, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s totally understandable. But I was pretty well crushed by the let down and that, in turn, led me to doubt this entire course we’re on. It also highlights the precarious emotional state I’m apparently in.

I feel as though I’m coming out to her. No, I’m not gay, but I can’t imagine telling her I was would be much more difficult than this. Where we are in our relationship and how quickly it’s developed over the past six to eight weeks, and the fact that sex (or lack of it) was one of the root issues that led to our troubles, has left me feeling a little insecure. On top of that, I know that as I’m exploring my desires I’m discovering new things about myself. As I mentioned in the last post, I’m finding myself much more drawn to D/s (with some reluctance). It’s as if I’m pulling a thread on a sweater and it just keeps coming with no end in sight. I really don’t know what kind of person I am. And I don’t know if Belle’s interested in maintaining whatever it is I’m becoming. And that’s scary.

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Thumper: An exotic pet

Wednesday night, after Belle released me from the device, we had amazing, intense, and extraordinarily satisfying sex (at least for me). While we were discussing the affect the CB6K had on me and us, I was able to explain to Belle the four pillars of my kinkiness. In short, they are:

  • Orgasm tease and denial – This is foundational. Not sure a lot of folks would consider this a kink in an of itself, but, as I’ve written about previously, I’m categorizing it as a core kink for me and our relationship.
  • Pain – I am a masochist. When I’m aroused, any feeling of pain seems to amplify my pleasure. So far, Belle has been unable to inflict pain on me that crossed my threshold beyond sexual enjoyment. Pinching, scratching, hair pulling, and biting have, so far, only increased my arousal.
  • Bondage – I desperately want to be tied up. We have experimented with this very little, mostly due to lack of proper equipment. I remember telling her about my desire to experiment with bondage at the very beginning of our relationship, but she had no way to deal with that information at the time and nothing ever came of it. Truth be told, I’ve never really been tied up by anyone, but I’ve often fantasized about being secured with straps and ropes and unable to control the things being done to me. Plus, bondage porn is some of my favorite.
  • Anal play – This is the one thing that I have plenty of experience with. In my youth, I had several male sex partners and have held a fascination with putting things up my ass for as long as I can remember. However, with the exception of a brief period near the beginning of our relationship, Belle and I had never really talked about it and we’ve never integrated it into our sex. It has been relegated to solo masturbatory sessions for more than a decade.

You may notice, as I have, that the first three bullets involve activities often related to dominance and submission (D/s). I’ve written at the beginning of this blog that I wasn’t especially interested in being Belle’s slave. Interestingly though, the closer we edge towards activities with strong D/s overtones I find I have more interest in being dominated, in at least a sexual way. I am still decidedly NOT interested in Belle dominating me all the time in all we do. However, in bed, I’ve yet to find the bottom of the pool of my submissive desire.

So once the talking part of our evening was over (or, at least, the part where we talked exclusively since we usually talk quite a bit while making love), and Belle was being especially cruel to my nipples, raking her nails down my back and ribs, digging them into my ass cheeks (almost, but not quite, as good as ass biting), and squeezing and pulling on my balls, I blurted out that I wanted to be her sexual pet. I had already used the metaphor to describe all these new kinky needs suddenly gushing from her husband and how it was not unlike having an exotic animal left in your care with no idea what to do with it. It clicked in my head that, in fact, I did want to be her sexual pet. Like any well-trained and obedient animal, I was eager to please her and willing to accept just about any command. The attention she was lavishing on my body was profoundly arousing. While I was still her husband, lover, and friend, I also found myself moving to a place in my head where I was, absolutely, her pet. And I loved it.

Since I’m often over-thinking things, here’s my take on this. I don’t want to be a slave because, in my mind, that requires the abdication of too much authority over my body to someone else. I do not want to kneel before her or wait for her command (and she’s not interested in that, either). However, a pet still has the ability to think and act for itself. It can have an overwhelming need to satisfy its master, but as any pet owner knows, even the best-trained animal will sometimes do what it wants and try to take control of a moment. In this way, I think the pet metaphor is a much better expression of my need to be submissive while balancing my dislike of being totally dominated.

Yesterday, my wonderful Belle Fille called me from San Francisco, where she’s visiting a friend. To while away the afternoon before her friend came home from work, she was doing some shopping and happened upon a local sex shop called Good Vibrations. She called me and we both shopped the store as she walked the aisles and I surfed their website. She’ll be coming home Sunday with cuffs, straps, a feather tickler, nipple clamps and – the thing I’m most happy about – a fur-lined collar for her pet.

My wife is making her kinky little bunny very, very happy.

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Connie Cul-de-sac

While talking on the phone to Belle last night, she told me she took umbrage at my characterization of her here as “by nature, not a kinky person.” Said I made her sound like she’s a Connie Cul–de-sac. Apparently, there was this episode with a banana once in a hotel room and she thinks she should get some kinkpoints for that. Unless that’s the tip of some tropical fruit fetish I don’t know about (don’t even want to think about the pineapples), I will have to respectfully stand by my position that she is not, by nature, a kinky person. And that’s OK! I think there’s a lot of potential there. The Game idea shows that she’s thinking about it and, personally, I feel just about everyone has their kinks and all anyone has to do is discover them. What I find nice about kinky interests is that one tends to lead to others.

So anyway, I did what I always do when presented with a new opportunity for learning and bought some books. First, based on a recommendation from Tom Allen on Kink on Tap 7, I ordered When Someone You Love Is Kinky. That one seems to be aimed at a person who’s not as comfortable with a kinky partner as my Belle is, but it still might help her (and me) frame our relationship. Then, based on reviews on Amazon, I also picked up Come Hither: A Common Sense Guide to Kinky Sex. This might be a little broad at the moment as we’re just getting started here, but if Belle learns the finer points of tying me up, then all the better! Finally, I got Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders. Since this whole orgasm denial/chastity thing was my idea, I thought she’d need something like this to help develop her own personal approach to keeping my key.

Of course, now that I’ve thrown down the “your not as kinky as me” gauntlet, I might just come back from my trip to find her in a full latex dominatrix suit brandishing a riding crop and myself on the floor hogtied with a hood over my head and a ponytail sticking out my ass.

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OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

I admit to harboring a healthy number of sexual perversions. Some of them, I’m sure, aren’t even legal in all the states. Most of what gets me going, though, is strictly in the realm of fantasy. The number of things I’ve read, watched, and rhythmically enjoyed on the web as opposed to the number I’ve actually engaged in is drastically lopsided. That being said, when I started learning more about all the various flavors of orgasm denial (OD) and how its practiced, I found myself unhappy with a great deal of what’s out there. I would never judge the kink of another, but much of how OD is applied practically is far too “out there” for me and, at least as (if not more) importantly, my Belle Fille.

Things I said to Belle that I do not want from our practice of OD:

  • To be demeaned
  • To be hurt or injured
  • For her to be hateful toward me
  • To be dominated by her all the time, in all aspects of our life

What I do want very much:

  • For her to control if, when, and how I will enjoy orgasm for the rest of my days
  • For her sexual pleasure and satisfaction to always be before mine
  • For her to always leave me craving more of the unique pleasures only she can give
  • For us to have fun with our distinctly different sexualities

There is so much on the web around OD, tease and denial (T&D), and domination and submission (D/s), etc., that is very anti-male. I admit to being new to this scene, so it’s entirely possible what I’m reading is just people staying in character, but I don’t think so. Many sites written by women for women (example) make men out to be little more than sexual animals who can’t be trusted to control their urges and whose sex drives can be harnessed to make them do all manner of things they wouldn’t do otherwise. I’ve even read men on forums regurgitate this POV. Like somehow OD saves them from their inner pigs. (The notable exception, and luckily the site I found very early on in my exploration, is Tickleberry.)

The above line of thought is so alien to me it’s not something I can even pretend to be into. Again, I do not judge anything anyone else is into, but personally, I revel in my maleness. I rejoice in the differences between women and men. The fact that I enjoy sex as much as I do, that it’s as important to me as it is, that I think about it all the fucking time is wonderful. I would never want to abdicate my male prerogative to anyone else, even my beloved Belle Fille.

So, how can I say that and still get off on not getting off?

I see the way Belle and I are developing our version of OD as having two distinct parts. The first part is purely emotional and involves our evolving relationship and its importance to me. The second part is much more about the sex and the kink and FUN of how she controls my emissions.

First and foremost, I see my transference of control over my orgasms to Belle as a sacred gift. I love her and trust her and care enough about her and our relationship that I truly never want to experience sexual release ever again if she’s not with me. I have alluded to the fact that I was unfaithful to Belle, so I need to stress that I did not come to this decision with the idea that it was a necessary penitence, act of contrition, punishment or because I didn’t feel I could trust myself in the future. I did it willingly because I was looking for a way to help heal the damage I had done and saw this as not only something that held great personal appeal to me but would truly demonstrate the magnitude of my commitment to our relationship. Giving Belle the one thing that more than any other makes me male – control over my penis – tells her that I want my happiness and hers to be inseparably intertwined. This is not about the absence of sex or just having sex when she wants it. In fact, I will still initiate sex as much if not more than before. I trust her to use the power I’ve given her with the same loving attitude and care she’s always used in other aspects of our relationship.

The fun part of all of this isn’t the what of her control but the how of its execution. Things like the chastity device, edging, using my cock as a simple tool for her pleasure since she may not allow me to cum while she’s enjoying it, and in general teasing me and keeping me in as active a state of sexual stimulation as possible for as long as possible are all just icing on my kinky little cake. I have always gravitated towards porn and fantasies involving either the willing or unwilling loss of sexual control. Now, I can actually live a version of this with the most important person in my life. She teases me and keeps me guessing as to how or if I’ll be released. She’ll stroke me or go down on me until I’m a quivering mass of sexual ecstasy and leave me hanging and craving more. She’ll allow me to enter her and even fuck her with abandon as long as I understand I am not to ejaculate within her. Do we need a chastity device or other accoutrement to experience all this? No, certainly not. Jesus, I’m so hot right now just thinking about it! We’ve had enough sex recently with OD as the central principle to know we could do this all by ourselves indefinitely. The toys aren’t required, but they sure do make the whole thing a bunch more fun.

The most important thing we both bring to the equation is mutual respect and love. I can remain secure with regards to my position in our marriage as an equal partner and confident in my masculinity while simultaneously giving her the keys to it (literally and figuratively). She in return will get sexual pleasure beyond what she’s previously enjoyed along with levels of attention and devotion from me unseen since we first began our relationship.

That’s the plan, anyway. So far so good.

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How it started

Belle Fille and I, as I said, had more or less stopped having sex. Clinically, it was a sexless marriage – we had sex, but infrequently. After I caused pain in my marriage (I believe that’s how the politicians say it), we actually started having more sex. In fact, I’d say we’ve easily had more sex in the past month than we have in the past year (maybe twice as much).

In order to keep that up, I started shopping for sex toys. We’ve never used them in our lovemaking, though I’ve used them extensively prior to our marriage and even afterward during masturbation. As I clicked around Healthy & Active’s 14 categories of sex toys, I noticed they had one called “Misc. Sex Toys”. Seriously? They had fourteen categories of sex toys and still needed one for the miscellaneous stuff? I had to look.

After digging around in the medical devices (I’ve always had a doctor kink), I noticed a category called Chastity. It was as if someone lit a flare in my brain. I was instantly and profoundly aroused. I don’t recall ever seeing chastity devices before that moment and I can’t say I was too impressed with their assortment of three models, but the concept was powerfully stimulating. I asked the Google for more info and soon found myself on the wonderful Tickleberry site.

Now this is what I was looking for! They had great informational articles and beautiful photography and the gear they were selling was gorgeous. Not only was I able to explore a fascinating new kink, but the gadget geek in me was in heaven looking at the finely crafted stainless steel contraptions. And, even better, they were expensive. I started reading about Divine Domination and found myself unable to stop thinking about chastity and losing control over my ejaculation.

That night, after our regular conversation about our relationship, I decided to open myself up a little more to Belle than I ever had before. I showed her the Tickleberry site and the chastity items. My interest in them was quite evident. I’m very happy to say she did not close up upon seeing them. I can’t say she was as intrigued as I was (not by a long shot), but she also didn’t do or say anything to make me feel strange about getting turned on by it all.

Not having been snuffed out by a negative reaction from Belle, the little seed continued to germinate.