OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

I admit to harboring a healthy number of sexual perversions. Some of them, I’m sure, aren’t even legal in all the states. Most of what gets me going, though, is strictly in the realm of fantasy. The number of things I’ve read, watched, and rhythmically enjoyed on the web as opposed to the number I’ve actually engaged in is drastically lopsided. That being said, when I started learning more about all the various flavors of orgasm denial (OD) and how its practiced, I found myself unhappy with a great deal of what’s out there. I would never judge the kink of another, but much of how OD is applied practically is far too “out there” for me and, at least as (if not more) importantly, my Belle Fille.

Things I said to Belle that I do not want from our practice of OD:

  • To be demeaned
  • To be hurt or injured
  • For her to be hateful toward me
  • To be dominated by her all the time, in all aspects of our life

What I do want very much:

  • For her to control if, when, and how I will enjoy orgasm for the rest of my days
  • For her sexual pleasure and satisfaction to always be before mine
  • For her to always leave me craving more of the unique pleasures only she can give
  • For us to have fun with our distinctly different sexualities

There is so much on the web around OD, tease and denial (T&D), and domination and submission (D/s), etc., that is very anti-male. I admit to being new to this scene, so it’s entirely possible what I’m reading is just people staying in character, but I don’t think so. Many sites written by women for women (example) make men out to be little more than sexual animals who can’t be trusted to control their urges and whose sex drives can be harnessed to make them do all manner of things they wouldn’t do otherwise. I’ve even read men on forums regurgitate this POV. Like somehow OD saves them from their inner pigs. (The notable exception, and luckily the site I found very early on in my exploration, is Tickleberry.)

The above line of thought is so alien to me it’s not something I can even pretend to be into. Again, I do not judge anything anyone else is into, but personally, I revel in my maleness. I rejoice in the differences between women and men. The fact that I enjoy sex as much as I do, that it’s as important to me as it is, that I think about it all the fucking time is wonderful. I would never want to abdicate my male prerogative to anyone else, even my beloved Belle Fille.

So, how can I say that and still get off on not getting off?

I see the way Belle and I are developing our version of OD as having two distinct parts. The first part is purely emotional and involves our evolving relationship and its importance to me. The second part is much more about the sex and the kink and FUN of how she controls my emissions.

First and foremost, I see my transference of control over my orgasms to Belle as a sacred gift. I love her and trust her and care enough about her and our relationship that I truly never want to experience sexual release ever again if she’s not with me. I have alluded to the fact that I was unfaithful to Belle, so I need to stress that I did not come to this decision with the idea that it was a necessary penitence, act of contrition, punishment or because I didn’t feel I could trust myself in the future. I did it willingly because I was looking for a way to help heal the damage I had done and saw this as not only something that held great personal appeal to me but would truly demonstrate the magnitude of my commitment to our relationship. Giving Belle the one thing that more than any other makes me male – control over my penis – tells her that I want my happiness and hers to be inseparably intertwined. This is not about the absence of sex or just having sex when she wants it. In fact, I will still initiate sex as much if not more than before. I trust her to use the power I’ve given her with the same loving attitude and care she’s always used in other aspects of our relationship.

The fun part of all of this isn’t the what of her control but the how of its execution. Things like the chastity device, edging, using my cock as a simple tool for her pleasure since she may not allow me to cum while she’s enjoying it, and in general teasing me and keeping me in as active a state of sexual stimulation as possible for as long as possible are all just icing on my kinky little cake. I have always gravitated towards porn and fantasies involving either the willing or unwilling loss of sexual control. Now, I can actually live a version of this with the most important person in my life. She teases me and keeps me guessing as to how or if I’ll be released. She’ll stroke me or go down on me until I’m a quivering mass of sexual ecstasy and leave me hanging and craving more. She’ll allow me to enter her and even fuck her with abandon as long as I understand I am not to ejaculate within her. Do we need a chastity device or other accoutrement to experience all this? No, certainly not. Jesus, I’m so hot right now just thinking about it! We’ve had enough sex recently with OD as the central principle to know we could do this all by ourselves indefinitely. The toys aren’t required, but they sure do make the whole thing a bunch more fun.

The most important thing we both bring to the equation is mutual respect and love. I can remain secure with regards to my position in our marriage as an equal partner and confident in my masculinity while simultaneously giving her the keys to it (literally and figuratively). She in return will get sexual pleasure beyond what she’s previously enjoyed along with levels of attention and devotion from me unseen since we first began our relationship.

That’s the plan, anyway. So far so good.

9 thoughts on “OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

  1. wow. I realize I’m “catching up” but thank you for allowing me to. what I find troubling is when any one person forces or thinks themselves so completely ABOVE another. srsly, when I entered into the D/s world and started my search for a sub… I met men who had what I ended up calling “very cliche” views of domination. all leather and whips and chains and such all of the time. …not my style. I would dress to bring me (and at times my partner) pleasure. but to me, a permiating D/s relationship is about both people getting exactly what they need.

  2. I was just recommended your blog by a friend, and I must say, it eases a lot of my fears about chastity. When I think about it heavily, while orgasm denial/ chastity are two of the things that excite me most, I have a lot of morals issues with it. It’s comforting reading your blog(I’m going to start from the beginning), and seeing that the D/s aspects of you and your wife’s relationship are loving and supportive as apposed to overly controlling or manipulative as I sometimes fear chastity has to be.

    1. Things have evolved for us since these early days. I might not write this post the same way today, but the reality of chastity and orgasm denial is that it comes (pardon the pun) in many flavors. If what you’re both into leans toward controlling and manipulative, it can be a valuable way to accentuate that. However, it can be just as powerful in just about any kind of loving sexual relationship. There is no one way.

  3. I think if you were to rewrite this part today it wouldn’t have the same impact as is does to those of us that are just at this point today. How you were when you wrote this is wher I am now and it’s very comforting to read someone with similar thoughts at this stage. I still have a hard time finding any real info with answers to my questions on the Internet. Your blog has been amazing in calming my nerves and learning how my wife and I can enjoy this lifestyle. Just wish I learned of it years ago.Thanks!

    1. I often think about this post and that where I am now versus where I was when I wrote it has changed. I’ve discovered much in four years. Still, I think it’s mostly right. In any event, I’m very happy to hear you found it helpful.

  4. I know your relationship, and the place OD has in it, has evolved quite a bit since 2008. A post about how you view these things now would be interesting.

    I am very much with you when it comes to the misandry on the net. It’s both understandable and sad: Behavior is repeated, and to react to misogyny (still terribly widespread) with misandry is all-too-human. And it’s sad, because that’s not a good way to relate to each other. This goes beyond “your kink is not my kink and that is okay”. The reason it does is that these sites do not state “my partner really likes it when I treat him as if he couldn’t control his base, manly urges” but that you have unequivocal statements like “a device is a necessity, because all men lie” or “men are incapable of loving, intimate relationships”. That last one is Lori, again.

    Thanks for continuing your blog. I’m reading my way through, and I’m finding a lot of stuff that makes me think. I may cite you frequently. 🙂

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