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Archive for October 14th, 2008

Oct 14

Yay, enthusiasm!

So I wrote the preceding post before talking to my Belle Fille. Now, I feel 180% better.

I’m still new to all this and I’m not used to carrying around all these hormones. I think my previous funk was from losing the physical closeness of she who keeps my key. Without her near me, all my energy and pent up frustration just curdled. Once I heard her voice though, it was like the sun shone down upon me. Now I’m excited again and the guys who’s sites left me angry and nonplussed earlier are humorous and entertaining again. Most of that shit’s still not my cup of tea, but who am I to judge what gets them off? March forward to happiness, my sexually deprived brethren!

I told Belle how I was surfing for porn last night but since I wasn’t able to actually do anything to myself it ended up being unfulfilling and actually somewhat mesmerizing in the way documentaries about animal mating habits on the Discovery channel are. She told me to stop torturing myself because she’d being doing plenty of that herself tomorrow night. Oh, that felt good! She also told me that she spent the day thinking about how I looked in the shower and what a great ass she thinks I have and how she wanted to bite it (take note: ass biting sends me over the fucking moon). Suddenly I had a vision of her telling me to get in the shower, lather up, and start stroking myself while she watched though the glass door and fingered herself or, even better, used the sweet little dildo I got her for when I was otherwise detained. (Imagine me now looking like Homer Simpson thinking about donuts: mouth open, tongue lolling out, drool.)

Oh god…there’s that wave of desire building up in me again. Except now it has a focus: Belle. As long as all those tornadoes of testosterone are crashing up against her, it’s fucking great. Absent her, they’re left to batter against my own doubts and insecurities. I so needed her tonight and she gave me just what I was missing. Thanks, Belle. See you tomorrow night. XO

Oct 14

1 Comment

Bleh

So I’m feeling kinda bleh tonight. Belle’s out of town and I miss her and wish she was with me. In fact, I feel her absence with a special keenness because we’ve been through so much lately and have come so far in such a short period of time. I really feel the need to be with her now, but of course, I’m not.

At the beginning of our relationship she’d go overseas for a week or two and I’d miss her so badly that I’d call her voicemail just to hear her and I’d walk into her closet and bury my face in her sweaters just to smell her. I’m feeling a little like that tonight. I know she’ll be calling me later but I also know she’ll be 1,500 miles away and that we’ll only be together for one night before I leave and have to spend five more days away from her.

Like I said, bleh.

Plus, I keep finding more blogs and sites on chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial and find myself feeling more and more distant from the vast community of people practicing these things. There are a few islands of apparent sanity that seem closer to where I am, but so many of the others are alien to me. They’re either guys looking to be absolutely dominated by their women who will keep their nasty, awful, piggish manseed bottled up inside them forever or they’re serial masturbators practicing a special kind of self-loathing and who are trying to save themselves from themselves with $180 pieces of acrylic. There are some elements of these guys that I can see in myself, but for the most part I feel as different from them as I am from just about anyone on the planet. To be honest, it’s starting to suck a lot of my enthusiasm out of all this.

Oct 14

The Game

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this!

So, as I’ve said, my wonderful Belle Fille is not, by nature, a kinky person. I hope to discover a kinky little hellcat hiding away in there somewhere as we progress down this strange new road, but in general she’s very interested in making everyone she loves as happy and contented as possible. You can see some obvious problems this might present someone like me. So far, the tack I’ve taken is to tell her that the act of leaving me basically unsatisfied sexually, and going so far as to actually tease and torment me, makes me incredibly happy and, ultimately, very satisfied. She’s giving it the old college try, and for that I am grateful.

So the day before she left on this trip she came up with the following idea. We will pick a finite period of time (say, three months). She will decide how many orgasms in those three months I will get. We’ll then put a piece of paper representing each day in that three month period into a hat and I will draw one paper for each time she will let me cum. Only she will know the dates. I’ll know how many times I’ll be released, but not the intervals. I might get two in one week but then nothing for the next 6 weeks. She may tell me in advance that one’s coming up or not, entirely at her discretion. In fact, she may deceive me and tell me I’m going to get to cum but then deny me at the last second. Whether or not the CB6K is involved is also entirely up to her discretion.

Sweet Jesus, I get chills just thinking about it.

The best thing about this is that it was pretty much entirely her idea. That she conceived of this scheme and them presented it to me as the way we’re going to move forward (once I get back from my trip) makes me love her all the more for really doing her best to integrate my perversions into our relationship.

Oct 14

Toys!

In the past week, I’ve ordered…

It’s never been said about me that I don’t jump enthusiastically into new endeavors. Most of this stuff is likely to come while I’m away later this week (damn it). Note to Belle: Don’t open any strange boxes in front of the kids.

We also got a lockable plastic file box to store all the goodies in. I picked up a set of mini Master Locks to secure it (just like the one that comes with the CB6K, except with two keys, thank you very much). Belle has one key and the other is locked into a little combination key safe. That stays with me. If I ever have to get to it and she’s not around, I can either ask her for the combo or open an envelope in my computer bag that contains the numbers. Either way, she’ll know. By using locks from the same set on both the goodie box and the CB6K, she controls not only my orgasms but also when and how I receive sexual pleasure of any kind. I’m so serious about this, that the one and only toy from the “old days” I still used with any kind of regularity (a moderately sized penis-shaped Doc Johnson butt plug) is already locked up.

*Sigh.* Twenty-nine hours, thirteen minutes until her plane lands. Figure three-quarters of an hour or so for the trip from the airport…carry the two…tick…tick…tick…

Oct 14

The Game

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this!

So, as I’ve said, my wonderful Belle Fille is not, by nature, a kinky person. I hope to discover a kinky little hellcat hiding away in there somewhere as we progress down this strange new road, but in general she’s very interested in making everyone she loves as happy and contented as possible. You can see some obvious problems this might present someone like me. So far, the tack I’ve taken is to tell her that the act of leaving me basically unsatisfied sexually, and going so far as to actually tease and torment me, makes me incredibly happy and, ultimately, very satisfied. She’s giving it the old college try, and for that I am grateful.

So the day before she left on this trip she came up with the following idea. We will pick a finite period of time (say, three months). She will decide how many orgasms in those three months I will get. We’ll then put a piece of paper representing each day in that three month period into a hat and I will draw one paper for each time she will let me cum. Only she will know the dates. I’ll know how many times I’ll be released, but not the intervals. I might get two in one week but then nothing for the next 6 weeks. She may tell me in advance that one’s coming up or not, entirely at her discretion. In fact, she may deceive me and tell me I’m going to get to cum but then deny me at the last second. Whether or not the CB6K is involved is also entirely up to her discretion.

Sweet Jesus, I get chills just thinking about it.

The best thing about this is that it was pretty much entirely her idea. That she conceived of this scheme and them presented it to me as the way we’re going to move forward (once I get back from my trip) makes me love her all the more for really doing her best to integrate my perversions into our relationship.

Oct 14

2 Comments

One ringy-dingy…

I’m back in the cheap-o hardware store cock ring. The aching balls are a thing of the past, so I want to do an experiment. After I got off the phone with Belle last night, I spent a great deal of time doing “research” into this new area of interest (i.e., looking at porn) and mostly kept my hands off my…er…I mean her cock. I was obviously stimulated, but miles and miles away from cumming.

This morning, no pain whatsoever. So, if the pain is caused by blue balls (as I think it is) then I’m making the assumption that there has to be direct stimulation of my cock and/or bringing me to the brink of orgasm to induce the symptoms I had yesterday. If the pain is caused by the cock ring, then I’ll be sore as hell tonight and tomorrow. Nobody’s going to be bringing me close to orgasm until at least tomorrow night (pleasepleaseplease), so if I experience pain, it’s the hardware’s fault.

I really hope it’s not the hardware because I’m starting to make an association with the ring and the commitment I’ve made to Belle. Just like our wedding bands are symbolic of our emotional relationship, the cock ring is symbolic of our sexual one. To me, its constant grip is the grip of her control over that part of my body (control I willingly ceded to her). I’ve decided that if my body allows it, I always want to be wearing some kind of cock ring. I feel naked and weird when I forget to wear my wedding ring I’m starting to think the cock ring is heading in the same direction. From now on, if I’m not in chastity, I want a ring around my unit.

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