Following some of my recent posts, a friend emailed me to caution against forgetting that there’s two people in my relationship. He was concerned that I might lose sight of the fact that Belle needs to get something out of all this, too. I have endeavored to always keep that in mind, but I appreciated the reminder and last night shared the email with Belle.
This very subject has come up in our most recent counseling session (yes, we’re still doing that). What I need and want now requires so much more proactive involvement from Belle and what she wants and needs has remained pretty much the same. So, what’s in it for her? I am prepared to do whatever it takes to satisfy any fantasies she has or wants to explore, even those that would fall outside the nascent D/s framework he have going. So far, she hasn’t asked for anything out of the ordinary. Absent a quid pro quo fantasy exchange, I asked Belle what she likes about what we’ve been doing. What does she get out of it? Here’s what she said:
- The deeper intimacy we share now that all my kinks have been exposed
- Our increased amount of communication
- Reading this blog (sort of relates to the two above)
- The turn-on she gets from watching me clean the kitchen for her (relatively new)
- Pink, her little vibe
- All the extra orgasms she’s been getting
I may have missed something, but it’s mostly right. It’s not a bad list. It is obviously a woman’s list, but that doesn’t make it bad and, since she’s a women, it’s unsurprising. I’m overjoyed that she’s actually getting something out of all this. Whether it’s worth the extra effort she needs to put in is only something she can answer, of course.
After she was done relating these things to me, she said the look on my face suggested I wasn’t satisfied. No, it’s not that I wasn’t satisfied, but there was one thing in particular I was hoping she’d say that she didn’t (though I never, ever want her to say it unless it’s true).
Having this conversation allowed me to frame up something that’s probably second nature to a lot of experienced submissives. Now that the words have formed in my head, it seems so obvious that I can’t believe I’ve never said it before in quite this way. Basically, I want to suffer for her and I want her to recognize and appreciate that suffering.
“Kinda like my own personal Jesus,” she said.
Depeche Mode? That was unexpected. “Yeah,” I sad, “Guess so.” What else should I expect from the Catholic school girl?
Nearly everything I want in our sexual relationship eventually gets back to this. The orgasm denial, the pain, the bondage – all of it. For me, that suffering is a demonstration of my love. The more she asks me to suffer, the more I’m able to show her how much she means to me. The other night with the ice was perfect in that she went beyond where I was comfortable (the “easy” pain) and really and truly pushed me. It hurt. And I was thrilled. Not having orgasms is the same kind of demonstration, though it’s a longer, slower burn. I don’t think until last night she really appreciated how hard not coming is. She said she could go months without orgasm and not really feel a difference, but for me, it’d be rough. Unlike her body, mine continues to produce hormones and fluids and is designed to expel them regularly. There are chemicals my brain will only make after an orgasm that help keep me in balance. Plus, I can feel actual pain from not releasing. I assumed she knew all these things, but I think she thought not coming just made me hornier. Yes, it does, but it’s so much more than that. And I want and am willing to experience these things for her.
She shot back, quite rightly, that I wanted to feel these things, right? They give me a perverse pleasure. I like the whole pain and suffering thing. So surely it’s not all about genuflecting for her. My response is, of course it isn’t. I do need to get something out of the relationship. Being submissive doesn’t mean I don’t want to experience gratification, it just means I get it from different places. This, I think, is the common denominator of all relationships. Mutual gratification.
Which, of course, gets us back to the beginning of this post. I’m not sure we resolved anything specific during the conversation, but we surely moved some heavy boxes around. I’m glad we talked and I’m glad my friend gave us the little shove we needed to get the ball rolling.
I think the suffering thing is one of the hardest for the dominant partner to deal with, even if the dominant partner happens to be a sadist (like me). Because to really push the suffering can mean really taking the partner somewhere that they really do not want (in the moment) to go, but are deeply thrilled by. It takes a lot of trust to know that this is really all right. It takes a lot of times of them coming back later and telling you how awesome it was for them.
Dev – ah ha ha – beat me to this: if you want to suffer, then how can you really call it suffering? And if Belle doesn’t care one way or the other about it, then you’re going to feel that she’s doing it simply to satisfy you.
Ms. Rika has an interesting take on this – she writes (her website has been hijacked) that it’s more important for her to find what she wants, and to dominate from that perspective. Later, when she’s more comfortable, she can “reward” you by doing things that make you feel good, simply because one acknowledges that partners should make a point in pleasing each other a little bit, as long as it’s not too far out of their comfort zones.
You need to stop feeling disappointed that she doesn’t “get” what you get; and start supporting what she does get. Remember, you’ve had years and years to develop your twisted, perverted fantasies; she needs time to catch up.
Rika’s book might be helpful for the both of you, as would several of the other n00b guides to BDSM and power exchange. Some of them might present certain concepts in ways that you can’t do, yourself.
“I think the suffering thing is one of the hardest for the dominant partner to deal with…”
I can see that in Belle. Over time, she’s ratcheted up what she’ll willing to do to me. I get how hard that would be for her to judge.
“It takes a lot of times of them coming back later and telling you how awesome it was for them.”
I do that as much as I can.
“…if you want to suffer, then how can you really call it suffering?”
Heh. Place a baggie of ice on your balls for five or ten minutes and call me back. That, my friend, is suffering…even though, yeah, I liked it. It’s one of the more interesting puzzles I haven’t figure out yet. I can be afraid of what she’s going to do next, but still want her to do it. She can inflict real pain on me, but as soon as it subsides, I want more.
“And if Belle doesn’t care one way or the other about it, then you’re going to feel that she’s doing it simply to satisfy you.”
I think I agree with Ms. Rika on this. I want Belle to find the thing that turns her crank. I want to help her find those things. Last night’s talk was part of that process.
“You need to stop feeling disappointed that she doesn’t “get” what you get; and start supporting what she does get.”
I’m trying to do that, I really am. I’m trying to give her space and not pressure her and let her go at her own speed. I am, at the end of the day, fairly happy with how things are going. I’ve told her as such. I’ll tell her again.
Thanks to both of you for your feedback. It’s appreciated!
Too bad Dev and I live so far from you – we could come to your house and harp on you for pizza and (lo-carb) beer. Lot’s cheaper than a shrink, and probably more entertaining, too.
OK, but I’d never recommend Ms. Rika’s approach. It takes all the sex out of it from my perspective. Your mileage (or Belle’s) may vary, of course.
One thing I’d recommend – and since I don’t know either of you, this could be totally horrible advice, but that’s what you go to the Internet for, right? – is that you be really, really open to hearing from Belle the truth about her own personal experiences. Use your very best encouragement and just handle whatever you hear back. And do this often, like all the time.
Nothing kills my sex drive faster than feeling like I can’t be honest. It’s so easy for women especially to get “out of touch” with their own sexuality because we’re encouraged to spend our energy catering to our partner’s sexuality or being generically “sexy” in socially-approved ways.
I remember pretty early in my relationship with Jos, we were lying in bed and he asked me what I wanted to do. I couldn’t figure out the answer, because the question I was actually asking myself was, “What would be [from an outside or ‘objective’ perspective] sexy to do next?” And then suddenly I realized that, no, I can just do what I actually want to, and it will be all right.
That must sound really basic and messed-up not to “get” but it actually took trust for me to promote my own wishes in bed rather than thinking of it from some overview perspective about what is sexy or right or good to do, etc. Having a partner who encouraged honesty was a big deal in that process.
It’s one thing to try (for instance) beating someone. It’s another thing to know that you’re going to have to claim that you liked it, or that you insist on it, or that it wasn’t for them at all but for yourself. You (the dom) should be able to actually just do it, and then reflect on how it was for you, and be honest if it didn’t work.
I don’t know. This is getting to be a ridiculously long comment 🙂