Extend and revise

Even though I spent a lot of time writing yesterday’s post (well, relatively a lot of time – truth is I’m usually just kinda banging them out), I’m not sure I adequately captured the point I wanted to make.

Yes, I am much better recently at coping with the fact that Belle’s totally in control of sex. No, that does not mean I’m not still trying to get down her pants whenever she lets me get away with it. I said something about giving up my right to sex and that’s not entirely right. I still expect we’ll have sex, but that’s because she’ll want it, not me. What I’ve given up is any right to being a party to deciding if and when it’ll happen. I might come on to her and try to get her interested, but it’s entirely her decision. She has the right to shut me down whenever she wants and I have the right to deal with it.

The thing I especially want her to try to get over is worrying about disappointing me. It kills me to think she’ll feel guilty. Even if she says we’ll have sex at some point and she decides she’s really not in the mood when the time comes, that’s OK. My disappointment is an unavoidable side effect of the dynamic. This will be hard for her, I know, but I’m being really and truly genuine.

4 thoughts on “Extend and revise

  1. I’m thinking, that why would it be different in any relationship? You know, I think you’d want your partner to really be into it, and not just doing it because they happened to predict their feelings wrong. In your situation it’s obvious you have to deal, it’s part of the dynamic, but shouldn’t it be common decency in other relationships as well?

    I’m spesifically thinking of an examplary day a week past when Wonderboy was all into it before I had to go run some errands, and when I came back there was a sour, unhappy, cold Wonderboy waiting for me. Because he’d realized he wouldn’t want to have sex, but he saw no choice because he had promised. Which was of course totally unfair to me, because my lust evaporated the minute I saw he wasn’t in the mood anymore.

    All I’m saying is I’m struggling with the same set of emotions even if I’m not in a prepositioned dynamic.

    Also, I’m really glad the way things are turning out for you two.

  2. I might come on to her and try to get her interested, but it’s entirely her decision.

    True, but I also think it’s okay to try to get her to change her mind—and it’s also okay to try to be persuasive in that endeavor. For a woman, I think there’s a big difference between “No.” and “No…” You can make those ellipses work for you (and if it were me, I’d want you to).


    1. That’s pretty much how I’m proceeding. I try to gauge when there’s still a sliver of hope and when the door’s closed. If I see even a glimmer of light, I try to worm my way closer to it.

      (and if it were me, I’d want you to)

      While I think there are times when that’s true for Belle, it’s usually been the case that if I don’t judge properly when the door’s closed and keep pushing, she ends up feeling pressured and even guilty for turing me down. I think we’ve made tremendous progress in helping her to let go of those feelings, but I’m still very aware that they existed. If she says “no”, then it’s NO and I just have to deal the best I can.

  3. This very much how we’ve been moving in our relationship. I’ve been letting my wife know it really is her decision when we use ‘her penis’. It’s taken a few weeks, but I think she is getting more comfortable telling me ‘no, you’ll need to wait’. Now, I’m certainly asking (and will continue to do so), but it is her call if we play, and if I get to orgasm. Already in this fairly short time I truly feel this is as it should be.

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