Evolution

The hardest thing to deal with regarding this whole enforced chastity thing (at least the way we play it) isn’t being physically locked or not coming for weeks and months or anything like that. The hardest thing to deal with, for me, has been really and truly accepting that she has control over my sex. All the time, no matter what. I’ve struggled with that over the nearly two years (seriously? has it been two years already?) since I gave her the cock, sometimes more successfully than others. Lately, though, I feel like my ability to deal with this reality has improved.

Fundamentally, I’m a fairly self-centered and selfish person. Not to a fault, but my default POV regarding any situation is usually to ask how it can be made to benefit me. I am, to put it bluntly, spoiled. It may be partly the effect of being an only child, but I don’t thing it’s that simple. In any event, top that with a healthy frosting of control-freak tendencies and mild obsessive-compulsiveness and you end up with a person who has to try very hard to see when he’s being selfish.

But that’s what I have always been with regard to sex. Even before Belle, but especially after chastity entered our lives. Before, if I was in need, I could take the situation in hand and resolve it (and resent her for not being a part of it). Now, that’s simply not possible. She’s the sole focus of my sex drive. On occasion, all that pent up energy has led me to become too pushy. Too much focused on my urges and not enough on hers. So much so that I’ve forgotten our deal. The deal I proposed and wanted.

At the end of my last lock-up, there was a period in which we had no sex. Maybe 10 days or so. I really wanted it, but she never responded to my advances and made none of her own. I don’t know what the deal was, but anyone in a relationship knows this happens from time to time. In the past, something like that would have seen me building up pressure like a propane tank with a faulty safety valve. Eventually, there would have been words and hurt feelings and all kinds of nastiness. But not this time. All I needed to know was that she hadn’t forgotten me. That she knew I was still there and still dealing with the consequences of what I had given her. That was all. Somehow, that was enough to help me deal. Oh yeah, I still wanted to feel her hot wet pussy and eat her all up, but the feeling was in stasis. Waiting for her to need it.

This is a big deal. Somehow, all the months of denial – from ejaculation and access to my own body – have made me lose the feeling of being owed sex by her. As if it was an entitlement. It is not mine anymore. I have willingly given up my right to it. And I know it. I can feel it.

Frankly, the thought that I’d someday be in this place scared me. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought truly submitting my sexuality to hers would mean I’d lose mine. That by not acting on my urges or by insufficiently acknowledging them, they’d go away. Or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that submitting (or “surrendering” as the cool kids are calling it 😉 ) is really hard.

This doesn’t mean I’m still not horny as hell. I am. I’m all kinds of horny. But I’m not going to pressure her no matter how bad it gets. I will still struggle from time to time, but I know that this is how things are supposed to be between us. I feel like I’ve reached a high ground and, when things get bad, I’ll only need to find it again and not wonder if it exists at all.

The thing I really want Belle to know with regard to this is that she should never feel guilty. Not even a little. When she feels that way she tends to close up, get quiet, and let it fester and then it blows all out of proportion. I want her to know she can manage our sex lives in any way she wants. That I really want her feel the freedom to do or not do anything. I will be OK.

And if I’m ever acting like I’m not OK, please remind me of this post and tell me I’m just being a spoiled brat.

5 thoughts on “Evolution

  1. So I hear and understand what you are saying. Its lovely to absorb yourself into that service mentality where her needs and her decisions are paramount. However given our past Sandy and I know that if she ignores my needs for too long (and it doesnt take that long for us) my emotions start to get affected and eventually problems develop. We have a past with too much neglect on both our sides.

    Question is how do you and Belle ensure things dont go too far in one direction and you are left too long unfulfilled. How does Belle look out so that your needs are met enough to keep you a happy submissive bunny? It seems she does (given how happy you are) but you don’t say much about it.

    1. Well, we’ve been there before, haven’t we? I’m not saying I could be entombed for all time, left for some future alien paleontologist to discover my still-hard member throbbing away across the eons. Our issue has been that my interpretation of “too long” was way, way short then her’s. I’m going to have to trust Belle that she won’t leave me stewing longer than is healthy. Everyone has a breaking point, after all. For the time being, I’m going to have to try to muscle through the times when I’d rather be having sex and wait for her to get there with me.

  2. I’m still curious though. I understand your side of things, but I would imagine she has her own thoughts and checks and balances in her mind.

    However I am being too nosy.

    It’s good that things are working anyway. I’d say keep up the good work but keeping it up isn’t in your power anymore 😉

    Looking forward to your next batch of pictures.
    M

    1. That’s funny! *You’re* being too nosy on a blog where I relate the most intimate details of my sex life. I don’t think you’re being nosy. It’s a real pitfall and one I think we’re both aware of. I’m flying high enough at the moment that I’m willing to suspend my usual tendency to obsess over things like that, but yeah, it would be silly to think we’ll never have to deal with it again. We are, slowly but surely, getting better at this.

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