The first rule of Fight Club

The other week when the kids were at camp and Belle and I were alone, she offered me a night of whatever I wanted. All I had to do was tell her what that was.

Of course, I couldn’t. I couldn’t say what I wanted because, kinda like Santa Claus, once I said the truth the magic was gone. This is, obviously, very unfair to Belle. And counter-intuative. But it’s how I work. If I said, “do this and that,” then I would have a hard time accepting those things from her.

What I wanted was something like that one night we spent in a hotel last year. Major hot mostly because I didn’t really know what was happening at any given moment. It was all spontaneous on Belle’s part and it was fantastic. But, assuming she can’t pull a rabbit out of its funk every time, how are we to proceed? When the rare free night presents itself, how can we be sure to take whatever advantage Belle’s willing to let us have? Part of me thinks she should grok where I’m coming from since my kinks are well known to her now and we’ve had some practice at this stuff. Part of me also thinks we shouldn’t have to wait for special events to be able to indulge in a little quality time. But part of me also understands that none of this comes naturally to Belle.

Her idea was for me to write here what I wanted her to do. I can speak here more freely and more completely. I was supposed to do this a while back since this week is the last kid-free one we’ll have for a while, but I didn’t get around to it for whatever reason. Usually, when I know I have something to write for the blog, I’m anxious to write it, but this time I sat on it. And it, in turn, caused me to stop writing here almost altogether. I think my reticence is all tied up in the sub’s paradox of not wanting to be proscriptive but also needing to communicate their needs. I have needs, but relating them is hard. But let’s give it a shot.

In general terms, what I want it to lose control. To be tied up with my hands over my head and my feet to the footboard. To have the device taken off and the penis stroked until I can’t stand it anymore. And to be brought back to that place over and over. Until my high-level brain loses its ability to rationalize my desire not to orgasm and I truly need to come. Until I beg for it. And then, of course, I want her to not let me. To ice the penis into submission and lock it back up without ever letting me touch it.

Then I want to be hurt. Not too much, at first, but eventually quite a bit. I want angry red marks standing up from my skin. I want her to beat me and whip me and flog me and clamp my nipples and punch me in the nuts. We have a cane we’ve never used. I can imagine her gently hitting my ass and upper thighs with it before building ever so slowly to savage whipping that sends me falling deep into endorphin-fueled subspace. Where I stop pulling away and fearing each new fall of the cane and start to lean into them and crave them and feel the pain’s warm wave wash over me. I want her to build up a sweat from the effort of beating me. And I want to feel the sting of it every time I sit down for the next three days.

That’s what I want. And that’s what I can’t say. Because talking about the bubble makes it pop. Because this particular part of our relationship is a bit of theater. I need to buy the fiction that she hurts me because she values my suffering. Because she wants me to. I need to feel as though I’m giving her my pain in a reciprocal exchange. But I know she’s not a sadist. She doesn’t really like to hurt me. But she is a spouse willing to try to give me what I need. Unfortunately, it’s all so complicated.

6 thoughts on “The first rule of Fight Club

  1. i hope Belle is happy to give you what you want. i am especially keen on the out-of-cage experience that ends in ice with no orgasm. and the cane. Like you said in the letter, if cane work is started slowly at first, and she waits for you to beg for harder, it will be great. Please let us know if the welts last 3 days!

  2. This is exactly how I feel. My wife will create any Femdom scenario that I ask her to, and she has, but it takes away from the premise. I would much rather her take initiative on just one thing, one humiliation. But I guess we are lucky in that they are willing to do these things for us.

  3. It is complicatd. Most of the time I’m deciding what we’re going to do. What kind of play, where, how, everything. But sometimes I feel that my husband deserves something, so I want to give him what he wants. In order tot do so I have to ask him what he wants. But he’s having a hard time telling me as well as you. He doesn’t like to ask for something, and that’s how he’s feeling in that moment.
    So therefore I try not to ask to much about what he wants and just do what I want. Sometimes I will ask him, just to annoy him, because I am a Sadist 🙂

  4. Thumper, your post is awesome! I feel the same way and it is so nice to hear another man feel like I do. Most men just want a fast ejaculation and slam bam and be over with it. Like me, you want your mate to keep you on the edge but never let you go over that edge, regardless of how much you beg to cum. Forever in the horny zone, never getting that release. Endorphins buzzing all in your head until you are lost in another universe. There is nothing like it. To orgasm would be like having a death. A mate that can understand that and also bring in disciplines like flogging, caning, whipping, nipple torture, CBT, ball hitting, all the other disciplines and bondages, that is Heaven. To live on that edge all the time, without release, that my friend is Paradise, and to have a mate that will take you there and keep you there, priceless!

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