Schnoff and I are going to continue our game of blogging badminton…

He wrote recently about the conflict of not living up to the expectations of that person with whom one has placed control over one’s orgasm (and I like writing using words like “one” because it does makes one feel as though they’re speaking dialog from an episode of Downton Abby). In my first post in response to his first, I said…

I still touch it and fiddle with it absentmindedly and give it a squeeze if it’s hard and I’m liking that, but I will not “play with it.” Which means I’ll not be able to find myself in that spot Schnoff did. 

And even as I wrote it I thought it sounded a bit too confident. I should have said if I remain true to Belle’s wishes that I not play with the penis when it’s unlocked and I don’t have permission in that way I know from years of experience will bring me into spitting distance of orgasm, I’ll not be able to find myself in that spot Schnoff did. Lately, I have been really good about that. There’s some kind of mental block that’s been trained into me so that the idea of stroking myself, while appealing on one hand since I know how good it will feel, is really unappealing to me since I also know it would be very wrong. That’s not to say if I found myself locked in the bathroom with my ass in the air and the Pure Wand sticking out and punching my prostate that I wouldn’t also find my hand all over the penis if it were free, but that very specifically is one of those things I just mentioned. So I won’t do that unless she says very specifically that I can.

To illustrate. Belle left me unlocked this weekend from Friday night to this morning. She let me out on Friday not because she wanted anything to do with the penis but because she knew she might want it Saturday morning and she didn’t want to have to fiddle with the key or wait for me to attend to my cleanliness or anything like that when it was time. So, in effect, I was loaned the penis until she had a use for it. I was only holding onto it (figuratively) for her. So I didn’t do anything pleasurable with it until Saturday when she stroked it and let me put it in her. Similarly, the next morning we had sex again but this time there was no foreplay on her part. I was attending to her tits and fingering her pussy and the penis was rock hard between us but she totally ignored it. Neither of us touched it at all until she let me slide in because I’m not supposed to and she didn’t want to. There was a time when I might have maneuvered myself into position where her hand was adjacent in hopes that she’d play with it or even so that I could pleasure myself while pleasuring her, but the rule is now that the only pleasure I’m allowed from the penis is when it’s being used to fuck her. And I have been conditioned to obey that. I’m actually pretty proud of how good I’ve been, though I understand that she still doesn’t trust me.

I think there are some specific reasons for this recent success. One is Belle has given me very clear rules. No stroking. No getting yourself off without permission. Absolutely no orgasm. It’s hard to wiggle in that space. If I’m doing something that feels good with the penis, it’s probably against the rules. Two, I have come to realize that to really succeed I need to respect her, her rules, and our dynamic. All those things. Her authority over my body is not an island that is separate from me and my actions. I do not exist outside that construct.

I, of course, have willingly entered into this dynamic with Belle (just as I entered into our marriage which is a similar arrangement, I think). If I am to disrespect her wishes within the dynamic, I am disrespecting the dynamic. The thing I wanted and crave. The thing that provides me so much emotional pleasure. I can’t help wanting to stroke myself and even to come (in fact, I need to want to stroke myself and come) but to do so would mean I am not really invested in making the dynamic work. She has her role (which she is fulfilling quite well) and I have mine. If I can’t live up to her expectations, then why should I hope she’d do the same for me?

In a way, this mentality is the root of my assertion that the most secure chastity device lives between one’s own ears. Right now, I’m in the Jail Bird. It’s totally unsecure in that my PA has nothing through it. I could, theoretically, pull out and jack off or even go into my toolbox and use pliers to remove the security screw holding the cage on. She would have no way of knowing. But why in the world would I do that? To what end? And it’s the same willpower at a higher amperage that keeps me from breaking her rules involving free meat. The device is a deterrent but not the authority. That’s embodied in her.

So, the differences between successful device chastity and obedience chastity are non-existent…except for the device.

Like I said the other day, I think penis constriction is a kink all by itself. Some people get off on the feeling and, like in me, it’s buried deep down and has always been there. Another kink is about control (being controlled or doing the controlling). One could do either or both and still be covered under the “chastity” rubric. There is no right way. Layer over that ancillary kinks like bondage, sadomasochism, and even aesthetic preferences and you get some combination of this game we play.

The only advantages I have over anyone else sharing these kinds of experiences is the length of time we’ve been doing it and the fact that I often make an effort to tease out my feelings and thoughts in writing. But I do think that unless one gets to the point that they realize “being good” is really about respecting the holy trinity of their partner, themselves, and their relationship, they will struggle. I know for a fact that Bear and Schnoff are on the right path because it’s the same path Belle and I are one. I can recognize it in his writing. All the familiar mileposts are there.

4 thoughts on “Volly

  1. > So, the differences between successful device chastity and obedience chastity are non-existent…except for the device.

    I can see how that would be true. At the same time, I have heard you say “I cannot be trusted with the unlocked penis”, and I have see very similar sentiments from others, for example in this thread: https://fetlife.com/groups/141/group_posts/5315893 . You also have a fair amount of people in that thread that say what you say in this post: It’s about honoring the dynamic, the device is an added kink.

    Is that a trajectory in how you feel? From “I can’t be trusted” to “of course I can be trusted, but I love being locked up anyway.”

    I wonder whether for some, they are expressing a hot fantasy. “I have no way of getting at my penis”, as a way to convince oneself that this is true.

    1. Being trusted with the penis is relatively new thing for me. I have been really good about following her rules *recently*. I have no track record of obedience and, as such, even after reading this post she told me last night when she’s gone for two weeks on business there’s just no way she’s leaving me free (“I know what you do with it when I’m not around.”). So, regarding trajectory, I feel as though I’m now in a place where I could be tested and I wouldn’t mind being tested. But, yeah, I still really kink over the device (and it seems as though Belle does, too). So I don’t see us turning into an obedience-based couple any time soon.

      Re: the hot fantasy of inescapability, it is for most guys a fantasy. You convince yourself you can’t get out because any guy actually can. You see it all over the net whenever a new trapped-ball device comes out. They’re trying to talk themselves into it. “It’s really secure!” No, it’s not. They can *all* be defeated unless some part of it goes though some part of you. But you want to feel as thought you’re totally trapped and have no control. That’s one of the key pieces of the chastity kink. Once you realize that even with a device you as the locked guy are in control of whether or not you slip out the back of the device in the shower, then a lot of the excitement leaks out. That’s why devices like Belle’s Steelheart are so hot. It actually is totally inescapable. I demonstrate no control when wearing it since there’s nothing I can do without the key (this hotness is somewhat enhanced by the fact that it’s also the least comfortable — I have no control over the penis or whether or not I suffer physically submitting to her). The stage I’m at now, though, means I’m just as happy wearing the Jail Bird or the Looker or whatever because I’m invested in honoring her authority and wishes. I wasn’t always, though. I had to figure that out for myself.

  2. That all makes complete sense to me. And I hear you on the honoring of the authority. That’s always been my kink, but actually living that is a journey. As is being mindful of what Bear gets out of it. Thinking of ways I can serve is an effort at times. I’m not always as snappy as I maybe should be with forms of service Bear asks for.
    I think this is a key difference between couples like you and Belle, and couples where the partner eventually loses interest: The focus on her needs and wants, her pleasures. I suggested this elsewhere, where the wife lost interest, and the response I got was: “She got something out of it. I didn’t wank and I was healthier, which she wanted.” Yeah no. That’s still about you, buddy. “She got something out of it. I became pathetically eager to please, in bed and out of it, including the household.” NOW we’re talking. 🙂

    1. Right! And that’s got a lot to do with her recent decision regarding permanence. She wants (selfishly, perhaps, but I’m totally OK with that) for me to stay in the frame of mind where I actively try to make everything about her. It’s a pretty simple calculation when you look at it like that (and the sub side of the relationship is willing).

      Re: Thinking of ways to serve is an effort. It is for me, too. But I think the thing we need to show them is we’re trying and want to do better.

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