Fuck it

This Dan Savage thing has been quite the adventure. And, funny thing is, it’s not really a thing. It’s just the prospect of a thing. Of maybe someday getting a call because some topic comes up Dan thinks I’d be helpful with.

Belle has been consistently supportive of the idea. Even after I reiterated to her that Dan has a huge listenership and I know for a fact people will recognize my voice, both people we know and don’t, and that some of these people will be work friends and could even be family. And, of course, that our kid might be listening. But she doesn’t seem to care. Either that or she thinks I’m totally blowing it out of proportion. But I think it’s the former mostly and I think that’s cool and it makes me very happy to see her confidence.

So I’ve really been thinking through the root of my issue with being on the show. The big one is the kid. I’ve decided to do what Dan recently advised someone who called in do, but with the reverse situation (she was going to defend her thesis which involved personal sexual details and her parents wanted to come to the defense). Basically, if it ever came to be, I’d preemptively warn the boy away from the show by telling him exactly what was going to happen. Not specifically (like, details) but that I’d be on it and talking about things he’d never be able to unhear. That if he wanted to maintain the firewall of parent/offspring non-disclosure of sexual details, he should just delete that one and move on. Then it would be up to him. I reject the argument that me being on the show would create some kind of stigma he’d carry through his life. Totally.

Once I got past that, I realized all the remaining angst was fear of embarrassment. And that kind of pissed me off. I hate secrets and hate hiding things. I far prefer living and talking and acting with freedom and unnecessary wariness. Of course, the right of others not to know is also very important to me, but as I said yesterday, talking about my life in a venue like Dan’s show is not the same as abruptly volunteering unnecessary and irrelevant personal details or even like having sex in a car or other public place (which, yeah, I’ve done). Getting over the hump of putting something personal like that out there is not inconsequential to me, but it’s surmountable.

Bottom line, I am not ashamed of who I am and how I live. And if anyone has a problem with it, fuck them.

In reality, the people listening to Dan who I know and would recognize me are probably not unlike me in that they’re generally sex-positive. Sure, there’s the prurient juiciness of getting a surreptitious look into someone’s sex life with whom you’re familiar, but I doubt anyone I really care about will judge me negatively or change how they deal with me. Maybe it’ll even spark a really interesting conversation. And for those who would think less of me…like I said, Fuck them.

So, that’s that. I DMed Dan back and told him I’d be happy to participate if he thought I could add some value.

A reader commented on my last post and posed the following questions I thought were worth answering:

  • Do you want to hang with Dan and be on a podcast?
    Fuck yes. I know he has his detractors, but I really like what I hear and read and think it’d be awesome to make his acquaintance. Not gonna lie. Sort of a fanboy.
  • Do you want to spread the word about male chastity?
    Sure. It’s a big part of why I blog. I think chastity and/or orgasm denial are practices that could help a lot of people in their relationships. They’re not just kinks. They’re useful disciplines that can be applied to help couples. I firmly believe that. I also think kinkiness in general, chastity and denial in particular, and even the subject of male submission carry too many cultural stigmas and need to be shown as not all that weird or unusual. If I’m called upon to stand up for men and couples like me and Belle, then I’ll do my best.
  • Do you want to become more known?
    Well, in as much as it helps with the previous thing, sure. But I’m not looking for fame and riches. Recognition for good work is always welcome, but if becoming better known leads more couples to successfully incorporate chastity or denial in their lives, then that’s great.
  • Do you want to become a relationship and sexuality counselor, a la Savage?
    Do we need more of those? (Also, he’s not a counselor, just and advice columnist.) I’m already doing a very specialized version of that here, to a certain extent. But ultimately, I have a day job and ample hobbies with which to fill my time.
  • What’s the need that’s causing an itch?
    Why do I blog? Why do I share my experience? Why do I take the time to answer questions (usually the same questions, over and over) about chastity I get here and via email and on Fet Life and on Twitter? I dunno. Because I do.

So, anyway. That’s where that is.

5 thoughts on “Fuck it

  1. First of all, while not shocked, I am proud of you for this post and decision. I do hope my mother won’t be assaulted in the grocery store as being the Mom of that boyfriend guy once you get famous, but she will say something witty and/or cutting so I guess that’s okay.

    One thing that has been missed that I want to bring up is Dan just asked you to be on his podcast but didn’t specifically say it was about chastity, correct? While that is a natural guess based on who you are, one of the best compliments I can give you is that it might actually NOT be about chastity and/or chastity devices.

    Think about it, you have opened so many eyes to open marriages, bisexuality, things in one’s ass, boyfriends on the side, gay rights, female sex organs, submission, domination, bunnies, raising kids in a kinky household, and, more importantly, pictures of your junk done in tasteful settings with some style versus all those other horrid shots all over the interwebs.

    ALL of these things have combined to make your blog what it is and to have given you this well deserved attention, not just one thing.

    So, I am glad you are willing to embrace it and, having the benefit of also knowing your muggle side, there is not a doubt in my mind that should anything happen to cause you, Belle, or even me (by my far removed association) to be recognized, you will handle it and emerge from it with a sharpness and style like no other. Possibly even with a book deal.

    So, fingers crossed he will ask you now.

    Finally, just a note on the last post and the comments there. While well intentioned, I think, do people really think you plot out future posts on a giant whiteboard in your kitchen?

    (P.S. – see, further proof I do read words you say)

    1. I had a thing in here about how it may not even be chastity he’d ask about but took it out because it messed with the post’s feng shui. Point taken.

  2. The grace and personal honesty you apply to the challenges of living your life to the fullest continue to be a beacon to me. Way to take this on.

    Once again, thank you!


  3. Hey mate, from New Zealand.

    I’ve enjoyed reading your well thought out words & feelings about chastity for a good while now…I am surprised to learn you are on fetlife, though!

    How come I haven’t found you on there?



  4. Good for you. Here’s something you may remember that happened to a somewhat famous person who was “outed” so to speak. Remember when a video surfaced of Rex Ryan (the former NY Jets coach and now Buffalo Bill football coach) where played the role of a cop and she was showing off her feet outside the front window of a car she was sitting in. It was a short homemade and mild foot fetish video and it made headlines. People got over it and it blew over very quickly. In the end, I think the majority of people are understanding and tolerant. As for the others, you’re right: Fuck ’em.

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