Semantics

The inimitable Mrs. Fever commented on my last post:

“the contents” — I like this terminology; the penis being the contents of the package rather than being the package. It’s a subtle bit of semantic separation, but it carries weight.

Regular readers will know that quite a long time ago I stopped referring to the contents as a “cock” because the connotation that noun evokes is of action and intent and it seemed to be counter to what’s promised on the label of this site and in the spirit of our dynamic. I demoted the organ to “penis” because it was the most descriptive word and telegraphed no intent or overt purpose. I also stopped referring to it as “mine” since it’s not. I gave it to Belle and now it’s just attached to my body. More recently (though it may have been two years ago because lol time) I’ve tried to stop using the word “penis” and have gone with “the contents” for a few reasons.

One, as the Mrs. points out, semantically I’m trying to elevate the total package over what it contains. If, as I’ve said a million times, the Steelheart (or whichever device is standing in for it) is me (and it is), then I should walk that talk. When the Steelheart is off me, it’s a thing. A tool. When it’s on me, I am complete. It makes that part of my body whole in the same way my wedding ring finishes out its finger on my left hand. But I do, from time to time, need to refer to what’s inside the Steelheart since they are two parts of a whole and the new best word I can think of is “the contents.”

Two, in the same way the contents push on the steel, the natural urges I was born with put a strain on my state as a kept man. I like being kept and never want to not be this way, but hormones and deep reptile urges are powerful and I feel it’s important to use all the resources of the higher rabbit brain to maintain the careful equilibrium within me. Words, which are the exclusive domain of the higher brain, have power.

I mean, sure, ultimately this is a game of semantics. But I think it’s also finding ways to go from “having a locked cock” to “being kept.” There’s a spectrum there. One I’ve travelled. Part of my never-ending quest to move chastity from something I do to what I am. Never-ending in that being this way does go against a couple million years of evolutionary programming and, like a lot of devotions, needs to be practiced and looked after until it’s truly second nature.

Even that term — second nature — says it is not the first nature. And that’s what I ultimately want. To deepen and strengthen my commitment to what I feel is my conscious nature, perhaps. The nature of my higher brain — my mind — that is separate and distinct from my primal nature. The nature that is all urge and instinct-driven.

We are complicated beings. More than the sum of our programming. More than the impulses that all living things share. All our experiences and feelings are refracted by what goes on in our big brains. And what goes on in mine is reinforced by simple words. Using them and really accepting them to be true.

Our primal natures and our conscious natures are not always going to be in alignment. But we live up here in our consciousness. So…words matter.

One and a dozen

Neither Belle nor I can remember the last time I had a real, full, man’s orgasm. Like when she lets me fuck her and, as soon as I enter her, she whispers in my ear, “I want you to come in me.”

She thinks it was around Christmastime but I’m almost positive that’s not the case. We were in St. John over the holidays (RIP the Before Times) and I was mostly locked up and while I can’t recall specifically coming, I have a pretty good sense that I did not. And there’s no mention of doing so in my posts from that period.

In fact, as I recall, I hadn’t in a while by then and wondered if she’d make me come since vacation trips are not unusual times for such things based on her previous behavior. And, as I recall, I was almost always locked up during that trip. I think it’s been or is about to be or has recently passed the one year mark.

Note, when she lets me fuck her, I do ejaculate. I don’t have an orgasm. The difference? Significant. After I come, I feel like I came. I feel that build up and explosion of sensation and the fluid jets out of the penis and slams into her cervix. There’s a detonation of chemical release in my brain and the penis gets incredibly sensitive and I get sleepy and my balls tingle as they contract. I mean, come on guys. We know what orgasms feel like. And what I have isn’t that.

What happens is almost as soon as the penis hits her warm, wet and inviting snatch, I feel like an orgasm is imminent. If I can hold off more than a minute, it’s an achievement. And of course I want to hold out since the feeling of being inside her is the only pleasurable sensation I’m allowed or capable of feeling from the penis. But, honestly more importantly, she likes how it feels to get fucked and I want her to feel that as long as possible. “As long as possible” is always less than three minutes, though.

We’ve spend the better part of the last dozen years controlling my orgasm and she’s been strictly determining my ability to come for about half that so I’ve become an expert in the minutiae of the orgasmic order of operations. I know precisely where my point of no return is. I know precisely when I need to stop thrusting to keep myself from going over the falls. I know precisely how much additional sensation I can bear to avoid the autonomic inevitability of coming. While I’ve never surfed a wave on a board, I feel like staying perched on the edge like this, milking (as it were) as much pleasure as possible without getting too much from the act, is not unlike surfing. Surfing the inevitable and dropping off at just the last moment.

And then I squirt. Not as forceful as real orgasm, but definite and distinct shots. And while it doesn’t feel like coming, the penis begins to soften immediately after. Back in the day, I was able to make my mess and then keep fucking her for as long as she could take it. But not anymore. The penis is trained to bail out once it coughs up its load, no matter how much I wish I could keep going.

One year (and counting) is a milestone I craved when we first started down this path of denial and chastity. And that path, it turns out, began twelve years ago today, at least based on the date of my first blog post.

The funny thing is, “one year” just sneaked up on us. She never made a decision, as far as I know, that I wouldn’t have an orgasm in a year. And she hasn’t made the decision, as far as I know, that I’ll come again any time soon. If ever. She seems perfectly happy with the status quo as am I. I don’t miss orgasm and feel what I get is more than I deserve already. And I suppose it’s a measure of maturity in the dynamic that the metrics and obsession with when and how I come have kind of melted away. I suppose it’s the real definition of the ideal that I feel is central to our dynamic that my orgasm isn’t considered or expected or really any active part of our sex except in its absence. So, in that way, it seems like twelve years in, we’re doing this exactly right.

The one about the p-word in which I don’t use the p-word

Belle chose not to let the contents of the Steelheart out yesterday even though it was Father’s Day here in the United States and it’s kinda sorta how I became eligible to celebrate (or be celebrated) on that day. It’s fine, though, since she let me eat her out (culminating in one of those wiggly legs orgasms on her part and an assurance that I was “very good” at it — purr).

Based on my experience over the last several months, the contents get out and in her once every six weeks. Otherwise, it’s locked up. That means in May I didn’t get out at all and in June so far, I was only out for about 50 minutes. Not that it takes me 50 minutes by any stretch of the imagination (lolz). Actual hot and wet thrusting time is likely not even five minutes. The rest of that time is me servicing her and then post-coital snuggling.

Looking back, this is what I craved for so many years. To be like this without consideration or comment on her part. For being locked to be the default and being unlocked the rare exception. This is what “kept” really means. And now here we are.

Even though this was what I craved, it took a long time for me to get over needing her to recognize the state of the contents. I would ask if she could tell if the device was packed and the contents straining and sought some comment on her part. Because it takes a long time to let go of it being the center of attention.

Of course, that’s to be expected. Boys and men have such easy access to it, its method of stimulation is so obvious, there’s so much embedded understanding of how it works in our culture, and there’s still a cultural assumption that it and what it does is the central point of sex. As men, we’re conditioned to equate our worthiness to its size and ability and stamina. So when she started keeping me locked, I wanted her to keep paying attention to it and acknowledge the sacrifice I was making. To keep it centered on the experience instead of her. I expected us to continue to pay it service even though it was unavailable, unseen, and basically unnecessary.

It’s one of those weird chastity and denial paradoxes. The practice of keeping a man like that is to demote the element that defines his maleness but its importance and prominence never goes away. It is always there. Even when it’s not.

And while I can’t deny that because it is always there, I think the point of being kept as I am — nearly all the time and without making any fuss about it because it’s just how things are — is to get to a point where I simply can’t think about it in its “natural” state and only think about it in its kept state. That takes time and runs counter to both nurture and nature. But it’s where I feel the most comfortable.

And in the same way being kept is to appreciate the journey, not the destination, getting to that space mentally is something I will always be working towards.

For example, I don’t get “hard” anymore. I get tight. I never want it out. To be out and without constraint feels wrong and exposed. I’d rather be seen by Belle or Frodo or whoever with a device between my legs than not. I feel more self-conscious of that exposure than I do sporting steel (or plastic). I try to avoid any unnecessary contact with it keeping all touching to the minimum required for its maintenance. I’ve even found that lately, when I’ve seen what I think of as incredibly sexy women out and about (usually walking or running around my neighborhood in spandex), my immediate and overpowering thought isn’t about penetration. It’s about what it would be like for them to sit on my face. To be used by her for her pleasure. And that’s always been the default for me when it comes to men, even before being kept by Belle.

To be kept as I am is to recognize the whole rest of my body is my primary sex organ, especially my mind. And that organ is for the use of my sex partners first and me only secondarily. The contents are not the point of the experience. And what they’re going through and feeling is not a topic worthy of mention during sex unless my partner wants to bring it up.

I think to get to this place I’m describing (which, as I said, is a journey and process I think I’ll be working on the rest of my life) is not just the point of being kept but the point of who I am as a sexual being. I’m very fortunate to have a partner who allows me to evolve in this way.

What I want. Really, really want.

I used to write here several times a week and that meant Belle would read this several times a week. But as I’ve found myself having said most everything I needed to say (several times over, it feels like), the frequency of my posting has dwindled. And Belle’s checking to see what I’ve written has, too. That’s just natural.

So it was a week or so ago when we were sitting in the snug (a wonderfully British word for the TV room off the side of your house) and she was on her phone and found herself here and read something that made her go, “Huh.”

And I was like, “Huh?” A dozen years of blogging and she found something that made her go “Huh!?”

The huh-inducing passage was this from a post expounding on the use of Joe, her strap-on dildo:

I also get off on being denied a me-centric sexual experience and release. Keeping the penis in the Steelheart while she’s fucked cross-eyed is a massive turn on for me (and that, in turn, is basically cuckolding’s next door neighbor). Feeling the penis strain while fucking a dildo in and out of her while she squirms in pleasure is absolute perfection.

“Guess I never knew that,” she said. And then my head exploded.

It’s just the central thesis of the whole blog that’s all. The core to my sexual identity. The very definition of who I am as a sexual being no big deal! I thought but said, “Really?”

Which is to say, the single most important aspect of successful D/s (and kink in general and for that matter life in general) is communication. And while I assumed this blog with its hundreds of thousands of words and lord knows how many posts would count as some pretty elite-level communication, it’s always possible that we’re being misinterpreted. Or perhaps not taken perfectly seriously. Or whatever.

Of course, it’s not Belle’s fault she never picked up what I was putting down. Even though I was putting it down as thick as the Exxon Valdez put oil down on sea birds. Here we are all these years later and whatever needed to click (or the exact right sequence of words to be typed out) clicked (or clacked).

So, to be as clear and pedantic about my thoughts on PIV-style sex with Belle as possible, here is my ranked order preference of the three available options:

  1. Joe the dildo in the harness
    Besides the reasons explained in the above quoted text, Joe is the preferred way to fuck Belle because it takes a great deal of stress off me. It can’t come too quickly. It will always perform. I can think only of pleasuring her without distraction. Without the possibility of feeling the guilt of poor performance or stamina.
  2. Joe the dildo in the harness then me
    There is nothing better than feeling her pussy after it’s been fucked by a tool more of the size she prefers. To feel it opened and stretched in ways I can’t. To be unable to feel the places it reached. It’s maybe the most intensely erotic experience I can imagine. This would be number one except for the fact that I like it so much and think it’s indulgent to allow me that much pleasure.
  3. The penis
    If she hasn’t come and is wanting the penis for pleasure, this is by far the least preferred option. Number three out of three but really like a hundred slots down from the top two.

It’s a complicated thing, to be sure. This morning I got Belle off with my fingers and stayed as I usually am, locked in the Steelheart. The urge to fuck her was intense. Deeply primal, the tube was biting hard when she came. But urges are not the same as what I want. I want to be denied. I want to feel the urge unfulfilled. It’s a form of psychological masochism. Allowing me to give in to the urge would ultimately make me feel guilty. Just because I desire a thing does not mean I should get it. I don’t deserve that. It’s not my place.

Bottom line is, I will always crave more than I get. And in the manual of the care and feeding of Thumper, there’s a part that says (or should say) one is better off, on balance, and can never lose by not giving me what I crave rather than letting me have it.

Ultimately, Belle decides. Always. If she wants to feel me inside her, I should be inside her. If she wants to feel me come in her, I should come in her. I will always do (or try to do) what she wants. But if she’s wondering what I want up high in my logical mind and not down deep in my lizard brain…well, here it is.

Active bisexual

I was jonesing to write a post and luckily enough a reader going by the handle 60and40boyfiend commented on a recent post

Thumper, this may be in the wrong place but I am curious if you still consider yourself an active bisexual since you ended your relationship with Drew? You don’t talk about him or men in general much now, so did that get it out of your system so to speak? I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do. Did you have regrets? Have you found other men?

Btw, how are Drew and Fro-to? I miss hearing about them.

I used to think like you do. That my urges regarding men were transitory and once they were “out of my system” I’d go back to whatever passes for normal. But that’s just wrong. A bisexual in a monogamous opposite-sex relationship is still bisexual. A bisexual in a monogamous same-sex relationship is still bisexual. We are not defined by who we’re fucking or being fucked by. Being bisexual isn’t about the physical arrangement of one’s life. It’s about how one’s brain is wired to their junk.

If you were in my imagination (or perhaps perused one of my Tumblrs), you’d see I’m still very much an “active” bisexual. That doesn’t mean I’m always and equally attracted to both genders (or, for that matter, that my taste in porn is an accurate reflection of my feelings — I’ve always been more drawn to gay porn than straight). My sexuality is a continuum that oscillates along the Kinsey scale from about a 2 to about a 4 with maybe some brief excursions into 1 and 5 from time to time. I can’t explain that. I don’t know why I feel like that. I’ve tried hard to identify the “triggers” that make me move in one direction or another (and started doing so back when what I wanted more than anything was to be a simple 0), but I’ve decided the factors are either random or so multilayered that I’m never going to figure them out. Also, that I don’t need to. I’m never going to stop oscillating and I’m never going to be gay or straight. Luckily, I’m in a long term committed relationship where that’s not a problem. Belle accepts me as I am and has allowed me the opportunity to express my desires (with some specific limitations).

Regarding not talking about men here, that’s more a function of what this blog is about (Belle and I) than what I’m thinking or doing. My adventures with Drew and Frodo were never supposed to star here in any great detail. They’re both hanging around and both remain tantalizing possibilities that, based on the previous paragraph, you’ll understand I’m more interested in some days than others. And they’re both doing well. With Drew, you don’t need to take my word for it.

The thing that keeps me from engaging with them more than I might like to has nothing to do with how bisexual I feel on any given day. My issue currently is that a chronic injury has led me to slack off dramatically from my exercise routine which has in turn left me feeling very dissatisfied with my body and decidedly unsexy. I’m trying to turn things around, but I can’t separate how I feel about myself from how I feel about being with anyone (even Belle, if I’m honest). So that’s a whole ‘nuther layer that really only I can do anything about.

On a related topic, I recently said this on Twitter…

I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around that, but it feels true. Perhaps because I’m bisexual and round off to a Kinsey 4 (dead center) it’s easier for me to say it. Also, if there was a Kinsey scale for Dom-sub, I’d be pegged at the sub end (haha, see what I did there?). In general, I’m a person who lives in gray spaces between the poles, except in this one way. I have essentially no dominant tendencies.

I wonder sometimes if my predilection towards being a bottom (in the male homosexual sense of the word, not the “synonymous with sub” sense) is partially due to the fact that I have no access to the penis. For me, the penis has transmuted into this (usually) steel numb thing between my legs that pressurizes when I’m horny and whose absence leaves me feeling off-center and weird. I don’t like seeing the penis. I don’t like being free. I don’t want to use it for anything other than what Belle tells me to (and even then I do it more because she likes and wants it). The Steelheart in particular is more me than the thing within it. In some ways, I feel like the epicenter of my sexual focus has migrated backward a few inches and inward. I’m not a person who fucks, I’m a person who gets fucked. I’m not a person who takes sexual pleasure from others directly, I’m a person who allows others to take their pleasure from me. Being used in whatever way someone needs to use me to achieve maximum sexual pleasure is, TBH, the hottest thing I can possibly imagine.

You might read that “get fucked, not fuck” thing and think, geeze, you sound gay to me. But I’m not. I still love Belle. I still love pussy and tits and hips and women. So it’s a conundrum. And I do what Belle wants me to do with the penis because, like I said, I’m a fucking sub. If what makes her happy is to have me feel or do a certain thing, then that’s what I’ll do, to the best of my ability.

Living with bisexuality for fifty years has taught me not to get too hung up in my own underwear. All I want is to know myself better than I have before. To understand my motivations and predilections. To explore how my sexuality has been changing as age and circumstance have changed around it. But I won’t worry about it. I won’t freak out as things evolve and as I realize and recognize that evolution. I am what I am and try to live without regret for that not being what I wish it could or should be.

So I wrote all that before rereading your comment while proofreading the post…

Last thing. You said, “I am in a similar situation and have had my fun but now think it’s time to get rid of the guy so not sure what to do.” Ask yourself if you’re just over this one guy or if you’re over guys. You might feel that men don’t hold much allure for you right now. I get that, totally. Or it might be you’re just kind of over this certain dude. But whatever you think, don’t imagine for a second that it’s “out of your system” because it ain’t and never will be.

2016 metrics

Just about a year ago, I said…

I’m keeping track of when I’m locked up and in what purely for the statistical data. I’ve often said things about how often I think I’m wearing a device or how many times I come in a year, but I don’t really know. I lose track. So I’m using a little time tracking app on my phone to quantify these things. I hope to create a log that covers the whole year.

And I did. December and 2016 have both come to an end and so I have a year’s worth of metrics to look over.

Turns out, it was difficult for me to keep accurate track of the orgasms I had. I think the number is around sixteen. Of those, twelve happened in the first  half of the year and the other four happened in the second half. Most of those (all but a handful) were orgasms Belle let me have. The remainer were either accidents while inside her or blatent theft on my part. She was quite generous as 2016 started (far more generous than she had been in 2015, as I recall), but following my camping incident at the end of August, she put the hammer down. I came once more by accident inside her and then not at all until yesterday. I have no idea, of course, what 2017 will bring regarding how often I come, but if the recent past is any indication, it will be a fraction of 2016. I shall endeavor to keep better track this year and am thinking of also tracking hers. Because, you know. You can never have enough metrics. (And for those looking for an early read, she already leads 1-0 on that score.)

I’ve been asked several times what app I use to track which device Belle locks me in and for how long. There are a lot of time tracking apps on the App Store, presumably for those who bill by the hour. The one I use is called ATracker. I set up each device as a seperate task and turn them on or off as she lets me out or puts me back in. I had to pay to be able to unlock unlimited tasks, but it wasn’t much.

img_1607December was perhaps the strictest month of the year regarding time locked up, even with some air travel at the start of it. I was in the Halfshell 99% of the time. That equates to eight and a half hours of free penis time out of 744 total hours in the month. I was careful to take the device off just as I was leaving for the airport and packed it in my carry-on (in pieces spread out all over) and put it back on right after security. The majority of the remaining time was when the Halfshell was soaking in vinegar to get really clean. Whatever’s left was when Belle wanted to be fucked.

As I said already, I came once in December on the last day. I’m told the next time that happens will be a long time from now.

img_1609For the year, Belle had me locked up for a total of 6,799.5 hours. That’s the equivalent of 283.3 days or 77% of the time. The Steelheart, always Belle’s first choice, was on me for 54% of that time. Had the Halfshell not come along, it would have been more like 70%.

The Halfshell has been my near constant companion since it showed up and has been on me almost 1,300 hours, or about fifty-four days, accounting for 15% of the time I was locked up on the year. The Jail Bird came in a distant third ahead of the Looker 02 and the Holy Trainer, but they were pretty much all the same.

Breaking the year into thirds, it’s clear things got more serious as the months went by. I was free 30% of the time through April and 35% of the time through August. There were a few months where I was unlocked far more than I as locked. To be honest, by mid year I was feeling like the wheels were kind of coming off our chastity and denial dynamic. I was out too much and coming too frequently and it all culminated with me jacking off by myself more than once. Luckily, though, I was able to get my head on straight again by the end of summer, not coincidentally when Belle doubled-down on her control over me and started to lengthen my denial.

I’m going to keep tracking in 2017 mostly because I’ve become so used to doing it and to stop would seem weird. The data-loving nerd in me wishes I had this information going all the way back to the first day of being locked, but I don’t. Best I can do is keep it going. However, as always, this is simply me reporting what Belle decides to do and is not meant to be something that influences her choices. If anything, it can inform her decisions since she often loses track of some details (such as forgetting it had been three months since I last came), but I don’t lobby or cajole or do anything else other than what she wants.

And with that, I hope everyone who read to the bottom of this boring post has a happy and prosperous 2017!

Mailbag, “The end is nigh” edition

Still going!

Louis lamented…

We recently received our Looker 01 and have had no luck getting the urethral tube in. We’ve done soundings before and are surprised at this as we didn’t except the size to be a problem but apparently it is. Do you have any suggestions on insertion or sounding stretching or? 

Gosh, no. Did you order the default size? While I’ve played around with it, I’m not a sounding expert by any means. You could try lubricating the insert beforehand, but I’d only want to do that with fresh, presumably uncontaminated lube. I suppose it’s also possible the size of the cage is small enough to be squishing the urethra so as to make insertion an issue. That’s all I got. 

Mike mentioned…

Just found your blog, it’s fantastic. I’m just getting into chastity, and pleasingly my wife is happy to participate. I’ve tried a steel cage with a 2 inch hinged ring, found this very tight with pain, as if I had a UTI, which I’don’t think I did. I then tried a CB6000 with their optional large rings, 2 1/4 inch, but still found it tight at very bottom of the ring, but at times could pop a ball through accidentally if they rode up, so clearly haven’t got the size right yet! I have very large balls (smallish penis) so I think I need these large ring sizes. You said that you started with 2 inches and went down to 1.5 over time, how does that work/happen? How much time? With the oval cages, I think the wide part is on the sides? For me I think I would want the wide part to sit vertically to deal with the pressure I’m feeling at the bottom pushing on my urethra. I was wondering about getting a custom cage without the full circle, with a small gap in the cage at the base of the cage to deal with that. Mature Metals Jailbird is the custom one I’m looking at. I would be very interested in your thoughts. Thank you.

To me, it sounds like your problem is the CB-6000 ring design which it awful and torturous and should be banned by international agreement. If you were wearing a ring like that found on the Holy Trainer, you’d likely be able to tolerate a smaller size. 

Regarding going down in size, I did go smaller after a while. I can’t say for certain why that was but I suspect it was various bits adjusting in their placement internally or just getting used to being squeezed and/or a result of my scrotum getting stretched. Regardless, oval rings are more comfortable because the most sensitive stuff down there are the tubes on the side running down to your testicles and the surrounding parts. As I said, if you’re feeling it mostly underneath, I’d say it’s because the CB6K ring is terrible and sharp.

If you get an MM device, I’d suggest you get the double-width ring option. It makes the device more comfortable overall.

George gorged…

Just want to say thank you for the website and sharing your experiences. I have been in an HT2 for one week, my wife has been a willing participant and am excited to see where this journey leads. So just want to say I appreciate your posts and info your website has. It has been helpful to me.

Excellent! Another satisfied customer. Best of luck to your and your wife.

Kinkngso croaked…

Just ordered a chastity devise with a uretha tube. What should I know about wearing it, maintaining it, etc.

Read this and then this and then this and then this and then all of this. That ought to do it. 

Lea labored…

I am very interested in your lifestyle and your blog. I would like to read it from the very beginning but can’t find the way for that. I know there’s link to the very first record in about section but how to continue to next ones? Can you help me please and advise of the way how can I go from oldest to newest? 

Man, these are easy ones. Here you go.

Ben buoyed…

I currently wear a holy trainer and is going well so far. 

do you have any opinion about strap ons for this chastity device? what works well with, etc… 

thanks for all your help

Here’s a relevant post. With regards to harnesses, try and find one that has two straps underneath that can go on each side of your locked penis. You’re more likely to find those on sites that cater to gay men

An unidentified woman asked…

Greetings Thumper, I know you don’t write an advice column, but maybe you can help me understand the realities in my current situation. I am a 54 year old woman’s with “hard wired vanilla sensibilities.” I discovered your blog as I was learning about male chastity. I love your writing, your story, your blog, and your posts. If I could have dinner with you, Belle, Drew, Axel, Ferns, GeekDomme, and a few others whose names I can’t remember, how fun would that be? Anyway, my partner and I have been living together two years. Dave is 10 years older and is retired. He came out to me as kinky shortly after we started sleeping together. I have never had any kinks or fetishes and I was very unfamiliar with anything to do with what he was telling me about, so I sought as much information as I could, in order to be “GGG” and see where I fit in and what I might like. I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman, and have found that sex over 50 has been the best of my life. Fewer worries, more freedom. I know myself better, and what I like, and have the confidence to ask for it. My partner Dave is a master cunnilinguist. I have never been able to orgasm from PIV, so this is ideal for me, although I do enjoy a lot about cock. First, he told me he enjoyed erotic pain, so I started by experimenting with electro-sex with him, which included bondage and a little cock and ball torture, and I thought it was mutually satisfying. It was fun to see him squirm and his cock definitely liked it, which was what I enjoyed the most. I will admit that as these scenes continued and escalated as I tried to find more things to turn him on, they seemed to amount to a lot of work on my part, and at some point I think Dave assumed that I was play-acting for his sake, and that took him completely out of the head space and it was no longer enjoyable for him. I am not a domme, it just doesn’t interest me, so yes, I was doing it for him. Words or acts of humiliation are anathema to me, and I could never ever humiliate, or cuckhold or sissify him, even though I know he enjoys exactly that. When Dave brought up chastity, and I read books and blogs, including yours, and it seemed like a way to meet both our needs. I wanted Dave to get horny- hopefully for me after enough time. I wanted him to be able to get an erection- again hopefully with me (usually it takes Viagra for him to get it up with me, although he masturbates with no problem at all, so I thought chastity might help with that.) I have been feeling that he has been spending too much time with his fetishes and fantasies on the Internet and in his head, and I want him to focus on reality. Right now, he is obsessed with cock- he wants to get fucked, he wants to suck cock- and I am okay with that. I want him to be able to go outside our relationship to get what I can’t give him. I want him to have his Drew, or his Frodo, and then come home and fuck me when I want it. I don’t want him to spend time watching sissy training videos and masturbating. I feel like this is taking him in the wrong direction, so that’s why I put him in chastity. So now I am a little confused- he said he never should have told me about his latest fetishes because now I am trying to change him and get him to give that up. I told him that I don’t care what gets him off in his head when he’s masturbating or coming, but that I don’t want him wasting time on sissy training videos with fantasy porn stars. If he wants cock in his head, he should go out and get some IRL. So which is it, is putting him in chastity trying to change him, or am I trying to control his orgasms? I am sorry I am not as kinky as he is, because I want him to be happy. I have never been able to get him off- not with my mouth, my hands, my pussy. But I am not trying to make him less kinky, am I? He was single for almost 20 years before me and jerking off was his life when he wasn’t working. I am sure he has settled into patterns that he enjoys, so I know he is reacting to not being able to enjoy that any more. He tells me he can’t imagine living without me, and that he loves me, but perhaps we just aren’t sexually compatible? Because of his skill at servicing me orally I could be happy with just that forever. I have dildos and toys that he or I can use in lieu of an erection, but I still think some of his porn viewing and jerking off is an issue- hence the chastity. So just wanted to know if I am off base thinking chastity is appropriate in this situation? If you have suggestions where he should start IRL for his cock fix, let us know. Thanks for listening!

Dave needs to figure out if he wants to be with a caring woman invested in his happiness (which means he may not get the entire salad bar of his kinks satisfied) or if he’d rather be in a relationship with his hand and the computer for the rest of his active life. I can’t say if you’re compatible sexually, but it sounds like you’ve been more than GGG in trying to find a place where you’re both able to be happy. To me, Dave sounds like he can’t get over the fact that the real world isn’t his fantasy world. I get that. It’s a trap a lot of men fall into who have been jacking off to their kinks without acting them out with a real person. 

I will say chastity cannot change anyone who does not want to be changed. If it was your idea and isn’t a thing he kinks over, then it’s got no place in your relationship. However, you should not be expected to be everything he’s ever wanted in a sex partner. That’s not a kink thing, that’s a life thing. None of us is everything our partner will ever want or need. That said, you’re well within your rights to ask he stop spilling his seed looking at porn by himself and focus on you. In fact, that’s his responsibility, as far as I’m concerned. I have zero tolerance for that stuff. 

I hope you can find a way for you both to be satisfied. 

And that’s it! The end of the feedback mailbag. Whew. Got a question or a comment or whatever? Send it to me. I’ll get to it. Eventually…

Mailbag, the “There’s more where this shit came from” edition

We will continue to dig through the mailbag backlog, this time starting with the most recent.

Zel zipped…

First of all thanks for keeping the blog alive. In some weird way it feels that I know u and the rest of ur close friends. 

I was wondering if u could have tried the axel from drew or any steelwerks extreme. I think it’s time to replace my dickcage for something that can be used more permanent. But I’m between steelworxxs and steelwerks extreme. 

I’ve never tried it on. Chris at Steelwerks is, as I’ve said, an artist. His prices are high but, if anything, they’re low considering the amount of passion and craftsmanship he brings to his work. Steelworxx are far more affordable but also well made, though using very different techniques and materials. I don’t think you can go wrong with either. It’s all a matter of how much you’re willing to pay. Don’t forget Mature Metal. Also affordable and they offer excellent customer service.

AJ asked…

Do these male chastity devices completely rob you of tactile sensation? Im interested in something that will prevent me from being able to feel my penis rub the inside of my clothes. Ideally, it would also keep me from being able to become, um, engorged to any degree.

If you get a closed tube device like a Holy Trainer or the Steelheart from Steelworxx, no, you will definitely not feel your penis rubbing around inside your pants. However, if you wear them as much as I do, you’ll feel nothing but your penis inside your pants when you’re not locked up. Being enclosed and robbed of feeling makes the skin hyper-sensitive for a while right after getting out. 

They also don’t keep you from getting engorged. Your dick will still try and get hard, it just won’t go very far. It’s a common misperceptions that chastity devices keep you from getting hard-ons. They don’t. All they do is squish the fuck out of them (which can be, in itself, an intensely erotic sensation).

Chris crooned…

I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I’m hoping maybe I can get some advice. My wife and I have been practicing chastity and orgasm denial for a little over a year and we’re both enjoying it. My wife enjoys denying me orgasms and keeping me locked up, but she also likes my cock and getting fucked by it. The issue I’m having is that, after a few weeks or even months without being allowed an orgasm, I can’t go more than a few strokes without wanting to explode inside her. 
You might say “Well, what do you expect?”, but after reading some of your blog posts, it appears that you can go long enough to at least allow Belle an orgasm. I don’t know if she cums especially quickly during PIV or maybe there’s something I’m not seeing, but I just wanted to ask for any advice you have on holding back your orgasm so that you can give Belle hers. 

We’ve purchased a cock sleeve and my wife likes it, but sometimes just wants *me* inside her. Did you work up some “tolerance” over time? Numbing cream? Any advice you have would be great. Thanks!

Ah, yes.

No, you don’t develop a tolerance. If anything, the longer you go without coming, the less time you’ll last while fucking. The only way to last longer is to come which, of course, defeats the purpose of the excercise. 

Also, context matters. When Belle wants me to fuck her so she can get off, I find it incredibly difficult to last. I can’t sustain any kind of rythym and she can’t get off from me. Some of this is because the pressure of my having to hold off so she can come first is too great, but also she makes all these wonderful noises while getting off and that can make me come all by itself. If she’s already come and just letting me fuck, I can sometimes go for a long time (but also sometimes not). Then she asks, “Where was that when I needed it?” You’re right that I used to be able to do this for her, but then I also used to come more often. It’s nearly impossible for me now.

You can try numbing cream. I’ve written about it before (here and here and here at least). It works really well, but it takes time to take affect and you need to take precautions that it doesn’t get on her and numb her bits up, too. It’s not a good thing for us because Belle doesn’t like to wait around or use condoms. Hoestly, I think the sleeve is the best compromise. When she really wants to feel you in there, she should wait until she wants you to come and do it then. 

Jaime juxtaposed…

I’ve been reading your blog intermittently since forever, and I think my beloved has read the occasional post as well. It certainly has influenced our sex life, in good ways, which is a good thing. So, Thanks.

But now that I’ve figured out how to conveniently get here more regularly, I’ve noticed that you’re scarce. So this is a note hoping you are well. And if you’re not, sending you best wishes for the great “out there.” However tenuously connected, I’m sure you know there’s a wide net of folks who care about you.

Aww. Thanks. 

Rick rocked…

I don’t know if this has been discussed before with the CB6000s , but I produced a simple anti-pullout device out of a piece of fishing line, and in my opinion, it seems bullet proof to me. I created a 6″ length of line which has about a 3/4″ diameter loop in each end created by a single “overhand loop” (see wikipedia for an example). then I created a slip knot out of one end by feeding one loop through the other. Just before attaching the cage, place the slip knot around the penis and feed the other loop through the bottom slot on the side of the cage. Feed the loop up to the one of the pins and slip it on, then install the cage, trapping the loop — one end captured on the pin, the other around the penis behind the head. The length should be enough so the slip knot can grow to the inside diameter of the cage, but there should be very little extra length to play with, so you might have to make a few to get it right. When you try to pull out, the noose tightens around penis preventing pullout, but even if you do get out, it is almost impossible to get the noose back around the penis without removing the cage. The best thing about it, is that its not noticeable, and the worst thing about it is that you know it’s there and it would be a mistake to try to defeat it, because she’ll know.

Clever. I think the “if you do it she’ll have to know” kind of security set-ups are second best to the ones you can’t defeat at all, but since those require body modification, second best is pretty good for most. 

Mike marked…

Can u plz re explain sock method for cb6000 trying to understand and re read and re read

Even better, I’ll show you a video.

Allison allowed…

Hello! We have praise and questions. First, thank you ever so much for your awesome blog! It’s been a HUGE life-changer for us and is simply the most educational site for what we’re into (for example, we learned almost exclusively from your blog that we’d fallen victim to the “room-to-grow” fallacy (phallus-y? 🙂 ) so anyway, big love for Belle and Thumper. 

Question: We can’t find info on this anywhere else, so we are to ask you. Did Thumper get his Prince Albert before, or after starting chastity training? Our training is such that we are about ready to get a custom steel cage, but she has also decided she wants him to get pierced, and he will wear a cage whose design accommodates that. What we’re wondering/trying to decide, is if he’ll be doing any chastity training during the recovery from his piercing? Would the cage cause problems during healing? Would it be best to simply regard the new jewelry as chastity enough until it’s healed? Obviously he can’t have sex during the healing process, and I hear erections during this time can be total hell. Not that we’re trying to torture and inflict pain, and we certainly don’t want to cause any damage to our …uh….favorite toy.

I got pierced after we started locking the penis up and in large part because it would allow a more secure chastity experience, but I also really liked the look of a pierced cock and really got off on the idea of physically modifying the penis to make chastity more hardcore. Let’s say it was 80% about function and 10% about fashion and 10% kinky hot shit. I had no idea that it also made sex and masturbation so much more pleasurable.

No, I would not advise locking him up until after the piercing is fully healed. Any kind of tension on the piercing can be very painful during that process and even slow it down. Also, the inside of a chastity tube is exactly the last place one should be healing an open wound. If he gets poked in the peepee, enforced chastity should be off the table for 4-8 weeks, depending on how quickly it heals up. 

Rusty ruminated…

I have just recently been introduced to chastity and I love it. I have not yet defined why, exactly, this is but the sensation of being locked up and out of reach from my own hands is strangely intoxicating. It’s only been about a week of being “locked & denied” but I’d like to see if I can make it a full 30 days. At least to start. 

Over a decade and a half ago, I gave up masturbating for Lent but only made it 21 of the 40 days before exploding like a fire hose. I have a feeling that being under lock and key will extend that record considerably. 

Thanks for your blog and all the advice and insights you provide. As I save up for my first metal chastity device, have you any suggestions on how I can prevent my CB6000 from pinching and even cutting into the underside of my ball sack? There are times it fits just fine and others–frequently–when it becomes so tight that the pain is not only a distraction, but its slicing into my skin requires me to remove the CB and see to the cuts. 

I do enjoy chastity, and would like to keep going, but not at risk to my health. Thank-you in advance

My advice is buy a Holy Trainer. It’s SO MUCH better than the CB6K and for exactly the reasons you’re experiencing. It’s significantly simpler, in design and construction, and better in every way other than perhaps cost and customization. Then go back to saving for your steel. 

Well, that put a dent in it. Still so much to get through. Next time…

Mailbag, the “better late then never” edition

I am a terrible person. That’s how I feel every time I realize I have, yet again, totally ignored my Thumper email address which is where all form submissions from the feedback page go.

See, I am continually on the hunt for the perfect email client and, as yet, I have not found it (though I’ve been using Outlook for iOS for a while now and, surprisingly, like it). Each time I try a new one, I set up my main email accounts (work, work 2, personal, personal 2) “just to see how it goes” and never include the Thumper mail or other accounts until I settle in. Thing is, I often forget and those email addresses fill up with unanswered and unseen messages, most of which are crap but some of which are from real people who would like to know what I think about things.

Anyway, that’s my excuse. Let’s dig in to a large backlog…

A guy named Ray asked:

Is there a short chastity device that allows a man to pee standing, without making a mess? I’m not well endowed, but enjoy chastity!

Yep, an enclosed tube design like the Steelworxx Steelehart makes that a snap. It’s possible in devices like the Holy Trainer and CB6K, too, but a little fussier and more accident prone.

David wanted to know:

My partner and I are big fans of your blog and we decided to take your advice and make our first device the Holy Trainer v2. However since the arrival of the device, I have been unable to wear it for more than 12 hours, due to the fact that while it fits snugly when I’m flaccid, when I gain an erection I get a large bulge at the back of my device, my head pulls back from the end by about 2.5cm and the whole device shifts up my balls until it is squeezing them between the device and the base ring. This sensation becomes incredibly painful, especially when I’m so horny that my erection doesn’t go down. I have been told that there is meant to be a certain amount of erection coming out the back, but this seems really excessive. So much so, that when I am fully aroused in my device, all it takes is a little tug downwards on the device and my penis will come out of the device entirely.

I don’t know what the problem is, I was hoping that maybe you might have some insight into this.

Hmm. I’d be curious which size Trainer you got, the normal or the short. Also, how big are you when erect? Also also, how much scrotum do you have? In other words, are you high and tight or low and loose.

Yes, a certain amount of bulge at the back of the device is normal. I found that the bulge was more internal when I started wearing a device but, over time, my ballsack stretched to such an extent that it was outside as well as inside. This is normal, I’ve found. Also, yes, some discomfort during erections is to be expected. What’s insufferably painful for me might be moderately uncomfortable for another, so it’s hard to know if what you’re dealing with is too much. My rule of thumb is if things are blue and cold, it’s too tight. If they’re just flushed and squeezed, that’s more about personal threshold.

To me, your issues sound like they stem from the Trainer being designed for the high bits of the bell curve and your bits falling outside that range. I don’t know why your head would pull back like that. When I wore the CB6K, the tube was too long and if the penis was pulled back a little that’s where it’d be during erections, but it didn’t pull back because of erections. If you can so easily pull out while hard, it may be the case that the A-ring is too large.

Good old schnoff said:

I came across this on Fetlife:

Following a visit to the doctors after a few months of discomfort, it turns out I have two epididymal cysts and am in need of further scans as they’re rather large

Googling that condition shows that these cysts form when ” fluid builds up in a tube behind the testicles called the epididymis, which stores and transports sperm.” 

Have you heard of people having that kind of an issue? I’m guessing the most likely cause is a ring that’s just a bit too tight. Though for all I know any ring, no matter how well sized, when worn for months, could have this effect.

I’ve never heard of that, no, nor have I experienced it. The linked-to article says it’s an issue in a third of men, so it’s not technically a chastity issue, though I suppose not having regular orgasms and being confined in a device could exacerbate the condition. Also, good to hear it’s typically benign.

Ronjoe wondered:

As a fellow wearer of a Steelheart, I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been trying to push toward 24/7, but I’ve been having some irritation at “10 and 2” positions on the ring after about five days. I’ve got a short cage, keep well-groomed, and use petroleum jelly as my primary lube. Any suggestions?

Two things. First, knock it off with the petroleum jelly. It gets sticky which is the opposite of what you want it to do. Use silicone lube. Expensive but totally worth every farthing. Second, I find that I develop similar irritation in the exact same spots (where the top of the ballsack folds over the shaft of the penis) in the days following shaving. The newly emergent stubble rubs against itself and causes problems. This is exacerbated by continued shaving of the irritated area. I only shave every few weeks and live with the grown out hair, at least in that area. I shave once it gets to about a 1/4″ or so. I bet if you upgrade your lube and cut back on the hair discipline, your problems will go away.

Mike shared:

I am 30 straight, new to chastity first time being locked and locked myself in a HT V2 for the last 2 days I woke up today with the extreme urge to have my ass played with and i had leaked all over the place during the night and I am still leaking as i type this. I have never even thought of playing with my ass before. Is this something that I am going to have to get used to or does it go away?

Wow, two days? I mean, yes, as you become more frustrated you will find the idea of doing things with parts of you other than your penis becoming more erotic. You might find men to be sexually attractive or (and these two things are entirely different) you might suddenly develop an urge to play with your butt. There’s nothing straight or gay about enjoying ass play (the prostate gland knows no gender or sexuality). But two days? That seems pretty fast, though who knows. We’re all special little snowflakes.

Will it ever go away? In my experience, sexual desires, once recognized, never go away. However, I bet if you jacked off you’d find the notion far less attractive immediately afterward.

My wife/keyholder and I are still relatively new to chastity (less than 1 year). We have been using a CB6000S off and on since March with my current time locked now approaching 60 days, my longest such period yet. 

My wife would like to be able to wear my key as a pendant on a necklace, but the standard padlock keys are not exactly attractive as jewelry. Do you know of any site or outlet where we can find attractive locks and keys that will fit a CB6000?  

I’ve found that the prettier the key, the less secure the lock. For example, a heart-shaped lock has a fairly attractive key that could easily be worn as a pendant, but the lock itself is stupidly easy to open without the key. So, is she wiling to trust you? Can you trust yourself? If so, that’s the way to go.

Hank hunkered:

I’m looking for advice on devices. 

But first, I want to commend you on being a really great source of information on chastity. You are articulate, intelligent, but more than either of those, sane and sensible. These last two appear to be strangely (extra-) rare in the online chastity community, for some reason. The advice I’ve obtained from various sources is… strange. 

I’ve now gone through a normal progression of cheap metal devices. I have one that works… okay, but isn’t functional without significant amounts of rubber tubing covering problem areas of the device. It is also chrome plated, which means the clock is ticking on its lifetime. 

The rubber tubing, which makes the device wearable without inflicting those small cuts within hours, precludes overnight wear, as it causes the device to not slide or shift against me at all. Overnight wear becomes incredibly painful. All the skin just comes right along with, as opposed to sliding. 

I’m looking what so many others are looking for – a metal device I can wear for a week at a time (with free time for cleaning and fun). 

This is going to cost me. The money isn’t an issue, except that I’m frugal, which leads me to the question: 

Assuming I measure correctly; 

It’s obvious I can easily spend $500-$1000 on a device. Do these custom made devices actually work? Are they a long-term solution? Am I going to have the same problem with a cheaper device, where it arrives, I wear it for twenty minutes before finding 15 problems that immediately exclude it from any further use? I don’t care so much, when its 20-30$ that turns out to be a total write-off. Spending hundreds for similar results will change chastity from something my wife and I enjoy and need in our life… to a mistake we’d rather forget.

The custom device I wear most often, the Steelworxx Steelheart, would be on the low end (if not under) your range and is absolutely a long-term solution. I have worn it for upwards of a month at a time with little or no breaks (months at a time with only a day or so out for R&R). Mature Metal makes several devices that would be in the same price range as the Steelheart that are also very much “lifestyle” wear devices. 

Reader Rex rumbled:

I think I read you saying your steelheart is your most secure device? (you’d have to cut it off). So are you also able to pull out of it like your other ball trap devices. Thanks for the clarification. 

I’m in a home made harness that is quite secure. A PA would be fun someday, if my wife ever likes the idea

Without the PA fixing, the Steelheart wouldn’t be very secure at all. It’s my position that no trapped-ball device, absent a PA fixing, is 100% secure all by itself. Even anti-pull out additions only slow you down. I know full belts are considered more secure, but never having worn one, I don’t know. 

I love my PA. Haven’t regretted it for five seconds. If your wife doesn’t like the look, you could always leave the jewelry out when not using it in a device. With a small enough gauge piercing (say 8ga or so), it’d be hard to see.

OK, that’s enough for the moment. I have a ton more of these to get through still…

Why in the hell?

This post is written as a primer of sorts for those just discovering an interest in male chastity or for someone who’s just been introduced to the subject by their partner. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Please feel free to add your POV in the comments.

I suppose the vast majority of the uninitiated (ie, muggles) would have no idea why any man would want to subject himself to enforced male chastity (which I’ll call EMC for this post because that’s a lot of letters to keep typing out) or, conversely, why any woman would want to do it to her man. They might also wonder about all kinds of other kinks like D/s and masochism and bondage but I don’t think I’m qualified to try and suss out the motivations of those of us who are wired to enjoy those things. But, I think I can try and break chastity apart to help see the value of it in a relationship.

Of course, I’m a guy and I’m married to a woman who I’ve been with for more than 15 years and that’s the aperture through which I see chastity and can write most intimately about it. Additionally, I think chastity play comes in lots of variations and flavors and the way we do it and how it works for us isn’t necessarily the way that will work for everyone else. I’m not saying it is. But I am saying that my experience talking to others on the subject and reading other blogs, etc., has made me understand there is a broad similarity to our stories that suggests a common foundation for relationships like ours.

111004_getitVenn diagrams are those charts that have two or more overlapping circles that represent different things. Where the circles intersect show how these things, when combined, make a third thing. If I were smarter or more talented at such activities, I’m sure I could make one for EMC, but I’m not so I’ll hope you know the concept and just move on. In any event, EMC can combine several kinks and motivations together into one package: Dominance and submission (D/s), sadism and/or masochism (S/M), and bondage (put it all together — what’s that spell!? — BDSM). But, I don’t think the main practical, real-world benefit of EMC is necessarily kinky at all. And I don’t think it needs to be practiced that way or considered as kink.

At the very heart of EMC is the concept of orgasm control (OC because we’re making acronyms today). OC is what you get when you decide, as a man, to stop rubbing one out whenever you get a shadow of an urge to do so and let the energy and desire build until it can be put to a practical purpose. I think of OC as fundamentally an internal thing and not part of a D/s power exchange dynamic (in which case, it’d be orgasm denial, but I’ll get to that later).

Why would a guy want that? To what end? Aren’t orgasms wonderful and best enjoyed like peanuts at a ballgame — frequently and in plentiful numbers? I have so many thoughts about this, but I’ll try and boil it down. First off, yes, orgasms are wonderful. We are literally designed to crave them. In a way, we’ve been created through evolutionary forces to become addicted to the hit of chemicals that flood our brains when we have them because in many cases that means we’ve spread our seed and satisfied life’s mandate to multiply. And when we’re young (teenage years through the twenties and thirties, depending), men can’t get enough of them. I recall jacking off so often at one point my dick became raw from the friction, but I kept doing it anyway because OH MY GOD I had to. On top of the evolutionary forces at work, our culture conditions men to value their sexual release over most other things and to revel in our ability to do so. There is a lot of pressure, both physical and social, behind frequent orgasms to be sure.

But, as we grow older our ability to squirt as often as we once did usually declines. The reserve of sexual energy we carry around with us starts to ebb and the time between feeling the need to come stretches out. I think of this energy (and I can’t think of anything else to call it) as a natural resource with a purpose and function in the confines of our relationships. Jacking off is great, but most guys want to follow their biological imperative to procreate and put that stuff into a warm, wet, living hole. But, as it happens for people in long-term monogamous relationships, there are a great deal of factors that work against a rewarding sex life as time goes along (repetition, kids, jobs, health issues, etc.). We develop grooves in our patterns that become the opposite of sexy and motivating and that leads men to follow the path of least resistance (i.e., jacking off to porn).

Note that I am not making any kind of argument or judgment against porn. I actually quite like it and think enjoying it is perfectly natural and not something we should be ashamed of. I also tend to reject most claims of “porn addiction.” If a guy ends up spilling over porn too much, then he’s wasting this energy I mentioned that would otherwise be used in his relationship. It’s self-perpetuating in that wasting his energy though an interest in fantasy can lead to a lack of interest in the reality of his partner causing her to become resentful or angry or hurt (or all of those things) which in turn only reinforce his porn consumption habit (and is therefore labeled “addiction” far more often than it should, IMO). In any event, as that energy resource becomes more scarce and life and familiarity conspire against a fun, sexy relationship, using it up on porn reduces his interest in trying to recapture the spark between he and his partner.

Of course, relationships (typically) contain two people and he alone is not responsible for maintaining it. Usually, there’s plenty of blame (if you want to use that word) to go around. The reason I fixate on him and his orgasm is I think it can, through OC, be used to bring a sexual relationship back into shape.

So, long way to go, but here we are at the doorstep of what OC can mean in its simplest and most direct form. If a man chooses to only have orgasms when he’s with his partner, then he’ll quickly learn to think of her again as the source of his sexual pleasure. It’s not an automatic thing and she needs to be fully invested in the idea and prepared to take on the responsibility of playing her part, but when done correctly they can both find themselves back into a state not too dissimilar from when they were first together. He’ll naturally become more interested in what she’s thinking and feeling and invested in her happiness and she’ll see and appreciate that. It can help knock a lot of frost off and get the gears turning again.

In no way is this kinky. Zero level kink. I’ve found in my marriage that Belle sees it as a demonstration of my commitment to her and our relationship. That’d I’d give up my “right” to come as often and wherever I like and save it all for her. Sure, for us there are a lot of kinky things layered on top, but at its core, this is what EMC is about.

Some people who grok this concept think it’s some kind of magical palliative that will fix whatever ails a relationship. That’s not at all true. All relationships need a foundation of communication and trust to succeed. Orgasm control (or orgasm denial — getting there) or chastity are stacked on top of those elemental aspects which must be present. But, if the basic necessities of a reasonably healthy relationship are working, then I’ve found focusing one’s orgasms on one’s partner can draw the two more closely together than perhaps they’ve ever been.

All that said, this is a post on my blog and therefore it cannot end at the simple control of orgasm. Truth is, a lot of men (most, perhaps) who are into this idea are also into wanting to take it further. From self-control of orgasms to no control over them. That’s when it turns into orgasm denial (OD). The “denial” part can be scary and confusing, but what it really means is the man isn’t able to come when he wants or feels like it, even during or after having sex. Women are often socialized in our culture to think this idea is massively cruel and will feel guilt at not letting him orgasm each and every time the opportunity presents itself, but for those men wired a certain way, this only amps up the impact of OC and is something they actually crave. There’s no rule as to how long he should be denied orgasm. Some women let their men come once a week or once a month. Some longer. Far longer. Some never. But realize, few if any start out that way.

For us, it was pretty much that I’d come every other time we had sex. Then it got longer. Once a week or so. I found the longer I was made to wait, the longer I wanted to go. I started to crave the crave, so to speak. I would rather want to come and feel that desire build inside me than actually do it. And once Belle let go of any socialized guilt and became more confident in the control I happily transferred to her and, most importantly, learned that I was a better partner to her when I wasn’t coming, my denial became second nature. I now have no expectation of orgasm when we have sex. She usually makes me wait many weeks, even months. When I do get to, it’s because she wants to feel me do it inside her much more than she actually wants me to come. As crazy as this might sound to someone just starting out, we’re both much happier this way.

And yeah, technically, OD is kinky. It’s a form of D/s. Power exchange. I get off on not having control as I’m a natural submissive and Belle gets off on having that control over me, though she’s far from a Domme and would never describe herself that way. A lot of couples end up like this. Women who never fantasized about dominating their partner even once find a way to do it that works for them. They back into a dominating position as they see the benefits of investing the time and effort into it has on their partner and their relationship. Because of this, Tom Allen has described OD/EMC as a “gateway kink.” That’s entirely true, in my experience.

Beyond denial is the practice of enforced male chastity. That is, using a locked physical device to maintain control over not only a man’s orgasm but also his ability to access his body as he has his whole life and even his ability to achieve an erection. Not every couple gets to this stage. Some women are simply squicked out by the whole thing. Some men can’t handle the physical demands of being locked up, even for a little while. Some woman think he’s not truly being denied unless he’s also demonstrating sufficient willpower to keep his hands off himself unless she says it’s OK. All that is valid.

On the other hand, some men get off on the added layer of control the device represents. They get off on how they need to modify their lives to accommodate it and how it’s always with them and always, in every scenario and situation, reminding them of the control their partner has over them. It ticks the bondage box really well and can even be made to fill a need for masochism. Finally, I think penis restriction is, in itself, a distinct fetish that EMC uniquely satisfies. For whatever reason, there are a lot of men that get off on being locked up. More, it seems, all the time. The profusion of devices at pretty much any price point in recent years has either fuelled that interest or is a direct result of it. Probably a bit of both.

The desire for a device by either the man being locked up or the partner holding his key can also be practical. In our relationship, Belle doesn’t even allow me to play with myself. I want to abide by that rule and try very hard to do so when I’m not locked up (which isn’t that often), but it’s hard. She knows I won’t come without permission and thinks I’ll avoid self-stimulation most of the time, but if I’m locked up, she can know for a fact I’m following her rules. Chastity devices allow an additional layer of deterrence to be added to a couple’s dynamic and some of us (like me) need that.

In summary, the one thing I want to leave with someone newly exposed to the idea of EMC is that it should not be viewed as weird. There should be no shame felt for wanting it. Human sexuality is ridiculously and wonderfully complicated and manifests in many ways. I believe there to be millions of men interested in some aspect of what I’ve described here with a sizable chunk actually practicing it in some way with their partners (or alone). The more you get into the subject, the more you realize that “kinky” is a highly subjective term. Most people are interested in something they or someone else would think is kinky. The sooner you let go of any fear of exploring sex beyond the traditional way it’s portrayed in a lot of media, let go of concern of judgement, and realize we’re all sexual beings of some kind with needs and desires as unique as we are, the sooner you’ll find satisfaction and happiness. Sometimes, in ways you never, ever expected.